I can´t get over her

This is the place to post whatever questions you have related to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. The rest of us will do whatever we can to help you achieve a better understanding :)
Post Reply
GermanEnlightenment
Posts: 96
Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:59 am

I can´t get over her

Post by GermanEnlightenment » Sun May 18, 2014 12:05 pm

Hi guys,

I decided to write in here because I simply have no idea of what to do next.
Last autumn I started my training as a translator and things were going incredibly well until I fell in love with a girl of my class roughly three months ago. Before I developed a crush on her we already spent some time together between classes and we had a lot of fun during some of the more boring classes. But I never took an romantic interest in her until recently.
Well, after I decided to finally move things forward we went on a date together and I could already tell that it hadn´t gone well when she avoided me the next time we saw each other in class. Because she´s an extremely sensitive person I decided that I don´t want to make her feel uncomfortable so I took the initiative one time after school, telling her that she mustn´t be afraid to speak her mind. She basically told me the old "I just see you as a friend"-routine and I quickly put her at ease, telling her that it is really no problem and we therefore shouldn´t avoid each other for the next two years. She was really relieved to hear that and the next time we saw each other it was like nothing happened between us(apparently).

Then the holidays came and I had about three weeks to recover from my heartbreak. I learned a lot about myself during that time as I was going through endless states of despair and sadness where I thought that suicide would be my only option. But life simply goes on, does it? And it doesn´t matter if you feel good or bad because in the end these are just feelings that you experience. They can´t kill you even though you sometimes may wish they could.
But this intense suffering actually taught me a lot of lessons. I had lots of mini-enlightenment moments and it´s safe to say that I´m a much more confident, wiser and "present" person now than I was before. Looking so deeply into the abyss of hopelessness somehow makes real-life look very easy to navigate and deal with.

What I´m currently struggling with though is that I have to see her every day and that won´t change for the next two years. We have to attend the same classes and still talk a lot with each other. I can´t help but feel that there is still hope in me that we will be together some day. She is someone that would never turn a person down in a cruel way as she is very conflict-avoidant and peaceful. She´s also very easy-going, spontenous, harmonious, sensual and funny.
The interesting thing is that I now talk to her like I would with every other girl so there is funny banter, flirting and more physical contact. I think when I initially fell in love with her I was too afraid to screw things up so I fell into the nice guy-trap, acting like omeone that never disagrees, caters to her needs while being inauthentic and is afraid to move things forward in the physical sense.
It´s just that I don´t know if I´m really fond of her as a friend or if I´m behaving this way because I think we might have another shot someday. I somehow want to move forward and meet other girls but how can I get over her if we constantly see each other and create new moments where we laugh about something or talk about our dreams and plans for the future? It´s like a drug addiciton: I get a great high when I´m with her but on the weekends I miss her like hell and need a fix.
At least I´m not neglecting my other life-responsibilities like doing sports, studying and working on myself. It´s just that I´m really tired of this constant cycle of highs and lows as far as my feelings are concerned. One minute I feel angry and depressed about the current situation but meet me an hour later and I´m full of hope, thinking that this unrequited love-situation is a great learning oppurtunity for me. In the last couple of weeks I read endlessly about limerance, self-worth and the psychological causes for unrequited love. Still, it feels like I don´t know who I am anymore, I can´t find my center.
Usually I´m a very rational and calm person (INTJ-Personality on MBTI) but this girl (or my egoic attachment to her) really threw me off-balance. She has been such an enriching person to my life (being a sprititual teacher to me :) ) that I just can´t stop hanging out with her even though it seems to do more harm to me in the end. But shouldn´t I be able to "endure" these interactions, to just accept them for what they are? Wouldn´t distantancing myself from her mean that I never had any interest in her as a person besides getting intimate with her?
"Happiness / Something in my own place / I'm standing naked / Smiling, I feel no disgrace / With who I am/ I´m a lucky man...with fire in my hands"
(The Verve - Lucky Man)

postwins
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed May 14, 2014 6:03 pm

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by postwins » Sun May 18, 2014 1:48 pm

Howdy. I will offer my opinion on your troubles.

There is nothing that you can do on the level of the ego to solve this problem, except perhaps to distance yourself from her and wait. If you take the bone away, there is nothing left for the ego to gnaw on. Certainly I have experienced unrequited love, and I have experienced drug addiction (a comparison that you used.) Between the two I would take unrequited love - at least it has a bittersweet quality to it, whereas feening for alcohol is just bitter. Ultimately there is only one problem though, and one solution.

The most important thing is to back away from the ego. Use this pain as an opportunity to strengthen consciousness and dissolve the ego. When you think of her, I am sure that there are definite physical feelings that come with those thoughts. A sense of longing in the body, of incompleteness, a craving for the warmth of her proximity. Close your eyes and experience this feeling as deeply as you possibly can. If a thought arises in your mind, hold that in your awareness as well but do not judge or label it. At first this will be extremely uncomfortable, like cauterizing a wound. The ego will come up with a dozen reasons to flee from the experience. "This is stupid." "You're making it worse!" The urge to hide will come in some form or another. Watch that urge but don't be the urge.

If your experience is the same as mine, then after a few minutes or perhaps longer the intensity of the feeling will fade. The pain-body has weakened some and consciousness has grown stronger. Go about your business. When you think of her again, stop what you are doing if possible and repeat this meditation. After a few times, the pain-body will obviously be less intense. Do not change the meditation, though it will take a shorter and shorter time for the pain to fade. Then at some point, when that longing feeling arises, all you will need to do is "glance" at it from the place of consciousness and it will flutter away.

Good luck, blessed be.

- Jason
One problem, one solution.

Phil2
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Sun May 18, 2014 2:57 pm

I would say why not enjoy this love you give ? Why do you want to 'catch' her ? to secure an 'official' physical relationship ? ... love is the important 'factor' ... the fact is that you are already complete in yourself, you need nobody to complete you, you are already perfect as you are ... do not listen to those voices in your head telling you "I am unhappy, I am no good, I have problems etc." ... unhappiness is a thought ... throw this thought away ... and be happy as you are ... here and now ...

There can be no true love if it originates from such a 'need' ... let things come and go ... freely ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

GermanEnlightenment
Posts: 96
Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:59 am

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by GermanEnlightenment » Sun May 18, 2014 4:53 pm

Thank you both for responding! :D

What´s causing me the most pain at the moment are these "What if?"-thoughts that tell me that things could have turned out differently with this girl had I just acted in the right way in the first place. I also can´t help but fantasise about being in a relationship with her and doing couple-"things" like cooking together, going out, lying in bed, listening to music, hanging out with each other etc.

I´m still quite young (23) but I never had a functioning, long-term relationship with a girl before and in this case I was so sure that she felt the same way about me as I did about her. It´s like I feel cheated by life in some way even though I don´t blame her at all for what happened since we were just friends for half a year until I suddenly developed a romantic interest in her. If I put myself in her shoes she must felt a lot of pressure when she realized I was interested in her even though she wasn´t.
"Happiness / Something in my own place / I'm standing naked / Smiling, I feel no disgrace / With who I am/ I´m a lucky man...with fire in my hands"
(The Verve - Lucky Man)

Phil2
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Sun May 18, 2014 5:21 pm

GermanEnlightenment wrote: It´s like I feel cheated by life in some way ...
This is precisely the kind of thought that must be discarded ... of course you cannot avoid the appearance of this "voice" but at least you can see it for what it is and not give it your 'consent' ... just you don't 'feed' this idea with your belief ... and this thought will lose its strength and dissolve itself ...

As Mooji said "a thought without belief is nothing ... a thought WITH belief can start a war" ...

It is quite simple: Do NOT believe your thoughts ...

(especially when they contain such negativity or an identity like "I am this ... I am that")

Don't let thought create your unhappiness ...

:-)
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

tomtom1
Posts: 77
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2013 11:05 am

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by tomtom1 » Mon May 19, 2014 12:33 am

I'm going to pipe in with the opposite of most others!

I actually think it can be quite harmful to spend a lot of time with somebody with whom you have unrequited love for. Now before I get blasted for this I know that it can be used as a means of becoming more 'conscious', but then so can holding your hand in a fire and burning yourself. In fact any suffering can be used for this purpose and perhaps only exists for this purpose but then why put yourself through it?

The reason I think its bad to spend lots of time with someone in this way is because it does not allow time for your mind to accept the 'death' of your expectations over what you wanted to happen with her. Time is the only healer. Its like quitting smoking but having a pack of ciggs with you at all times which you light every so often and smell.

My advice: get some mental and physical space from this girl (I know your in the same class so the physical space may be a bit hard) and move on. Once you are happy that you have moved on then you can start to spend more time together and become genuine friends rather than 2 people with unmatched expectations!

User avatar
Clouded
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Clouded » Mon May 19, 2014 1:46 am

I've been there and I can offer you some advice based on my own experience. I think it would be best to try to distance yourself away from her if your emotions are still strong when you are in her company. There is only so much ''acceptance'' a person can take and the more time you'll spend with her and enjoy being with her while you feel that way, the greater your hope for her to change her mind and want to be exclusive to you will be, and the more disappointed you'll be when your expectations will not conform to the reality of the situation. Also, if you are not doing it already, when you are not with her, try to stop fantasising about your lives together because this too keeps the hope alive and if you are like I was, try to stop figuring out ways of how to get her to ''belong'' to you and be head over heels for you. She made her decision, she just wants to be friends, you can't force anyone against their will to want to be in a romantic relationship with you, and you are still in love with the idea of being with her probably because you think that she will make your life better if she was yours and as a result, you will be happier and you do not want to let go of this belief (because who doesn't want to be happy?), hence the suffering. You may think that you suffer because of her not feeling the same way about you and you may be disappointed at her for not responding to you the way you want her to and think that it is unfair that she can't see what a great guy you are and doesn't know what she's missing and that you are perfect for each other, but in reality, it's just this belief of her being the ultimate source of your happiness that may be bothering you. The feeling of infatuation and desire is a difficult one to not identify with and let go because it just feels so good, it feels like you are in heaven and you just don't want it to end and you do everything you can to keep this hope alive even if there's suffering attached to it; you'd rather continue dreaming than face reality and move on. However highly you may think of this girl, know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, you never know who you will meet; you might think that she's perfect now and you might have your eyes only set on her, but let's see how your opinion will change in a couple of years. Just give it time.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

tomtom1
Posts: 77
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2013 11:05 am

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by tomtom1 » Mon May 19, 2014 9:13 am

Clouded wrote:I've been there and I can offer you some advice based on my own experience. I think it would be best to try to distance yourself away from her if your emotions are still strong when you are in her company. There is only so much ''acceptance'' a person can take and the more time you'll spend with her and enjoy being with her while you feel that way, the greater your hope for her to change her mind and want to be exclusive to you will be, and the more disappointed you'll be when your expectations will not conform to the reality of the situation. Also, if you are not doing it already, when you are not with her, try to stop fantasising about your lives together because this too keeps the hope alive and if you are like I was, try to stop figuring out ways of how to get her to ''belong'' to you and be head over heels for you. She made her decision, she just wants to be friends, you can't force anyone against their will to want to be in a romantic relationship with you, and you are still in love with the idea of being with her probably because you think that she will make your life better if she was yours and as a result, you will be happier and you do not want to let go of this belief (because who doesn't want to be happy?), hence the suffering. You may think that you suffer because of her not feeling the same way about you and you may be disappointed at her for not responding to you the way you want her to and think that it is unfair that she can't see what a great guy you are and doesn't know what she's missing and that you are perfect for each other, but in reality, it's just this belief of her being the ultimate source of your happiness that may be bothering you. The feeling of infatuation and desire is a difficult one to not identify with and let go because it just feels so good, it feels like you are in heaven and you just don't want it to end and you do everything you can to keep this hope alive even if there's suffering attached to it; you'd rather continue dreaming than face reality and move on. However highly you may think of this girl, know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, you never know who you will meet; you might think that she's perfect now and you might have your eyes only set on her, but let's see how your opinion will change in a couple of years. Just give it time.
This really has hit the nail on the head!!

Phil2
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Mon May 19, 2014 9:17 am

Clouded wrote: know that there are plenty of fish in the sea ...
Maybe but even fishes are getting rarer in seas nowadays ;-)

So maybe better understand that you don't need fish at all ... and when a fish is in your dish, well enjoy the fish !

:-)

You can enjoy life without creating all kinds of 'expectations' about what things 'should be' ... but ARE NOT ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

Phil2
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Mon May 19, 2014 9:22 am

Clouded wrote: Just give it time.
Time ?

Time (what J.Krishnamurti called "psychological time") is the distance between 'what is' (now) and what 'should be' (future, expectation) ... and time is suffering ...

So why create expectations at all ? and not be happy here and now ? Why create 'time' ?

...

Did you read "The Power of Now" from a certain Eckhart Tolle ?

??
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

User avatar
Clouded
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Clouded » Mon May 19, 2014 10:01 am

Time ?

Time (what J.Krishnamurti called "psychological time") is the distance between 'what is' (now) and what 'should be' (future, expectation) ... and time is suffering ...

So why create expectations at all ? and not be happy here and now ? Why create 'time' ?

...

Did you read "The Power of Now" from a certain Eckhart Tolle ?

??
Yeah, in fact I read both of his books, he is the one who introduced me to presence, before discovering him, I believed that spirituality was mystical nonsense. As far as I know, you can't just dis-identify with a strong belief and the feelings that come along with it in a blink of an eye unless you're some kind of guru with experience being in the NOW. Don't forget that some of us are average, less spiritually evolved folk, enslaved by our own minds and it's not easy to detach ourselves from our beliefs even if we may recognize our own BS, I'm just offering advice from a more egoic perspective because I think it will help OP more from where he is in his spiritual path. In my experience, your feelings will stay with you until you occupy your mind with something else and make new memories, store new information in the brain until the thoughts that created the previous feelings that caused you suffering are no longer considered important. I just know that it took me a while to get over my crush. Even when I assumed that I was completely over him; he'd still pop up in my dreams and I would wake up feeling extremely sad that it wasn't real and missing him and longing to be with him. Now I spent so much time away from him and I'll surely never see him again that he doesn't mean anything to me, he's just a memory and only exists in my mind. Also, what I meant by give it time is; give yourself time to get over your feelings not give yourself time to find the person of your dreams; he doesn't have to rely on anyone but himself. Unrequited love and heartbreak is a really shitty feeling, it's very difficult for an average person to stop caring about what might have been.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

Phil2
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Mon May 19, 2014 10:23 am

Clouded wrote:I'm just offering advice from a more egoic perspective because I think it will help OP more from where he is in his spiritual path.
Personally I don't think that an escape from 'what is' leads to any good ... why not face the 'challenges' life offers to us ? When we face those challenges, we progress in our self knowledge, while trying to escape those challenges increases our fears and lack of self confidence ... and generates more suffering ...

I said to the OP: why not enjoy the fact of loving a beautiful person ? Just that ... why want to 'possess' this person physically ?

This has been called "Platonic Love" ...
In short, with genuine platonic love, the beautiful or lovely other person inspires the mind and the soul and directs one's attention to spiritual things. Socrates, in Plato's "Symposium", explained two types of love or Eros—Vulgar Eros or earthly love and Divine Eros or divine love. Vulgar Eros is nothing but mere material attraction towards a beautiful body for physical pleasure and reproduction. Divine Eros begins the journey from physical attraction i.e. attraction towards beautiful form or body but transcends gradually to love for Supreme Beauty. This concept of Divine Eros is later transformed into the term Platonic love.
:-)
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

User avatar
Clouded
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Clouded » Mon May 19, 2014 10:52 am

Average person OP can always pretend to be ok with just a platonic relationship despite his strong feelings for her. Wait until she dates someone else and we'll see if trying to transcend his feelings did OP more harm than good. Jealousy is a more poisonous form of suffering than desire if you ask me. It's ok to admit that you don't want to be just friends with someone and that you want something more from them. You don't have to become enlightened right away, it takes practice and when you're young and haven't experienced enough and are full of hormones, it just makes it more of a challenge to stop listening to the ego. That's just my opinion; I get more peace by forgetting about him.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

Phil2
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Mon May 19, 2014 11:01 am

Clouded wrote: it just makes it more of a challenge to stop listening to the ego.
Yes it's a challenge ... nobody said that life won't challenge your ego ... be sure it will ...

:-)
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

Phil2
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Mon May 19, 2014 11:49 am

Clouded wrote: You don't have to become enlightened right away, it takes practice and when you're young and haven't experienced enough and are full of hormones, it just makes it more of a challenge to stop listening to the ego. That's just my opinion; I get more peace by forgetting about him.
So what you say is "Your prison is not very comfortable, I will give you a TV-set to distract you ('time') ... and maybe some more spacious prison in some other location" ...

What I say is :

"Get out of your prison, you can do it because you hold the keys of it" ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

Post Reply