I can´t get over her

[GermanEnlightenment]

In the last days I felt a strange feeling coming over me. I don´t know if it´s awareness but I can now sit back, watch my thoughts and feelings and realize that they aren´t me. I still have lots of moments during the day where certain bad memories from my past and worries about the future may come up again and I although I indulge in them for a little while I realize quickly that they hold no real power over the present moment. It´s like "yeah, whatever. Whatever happened, happened. What the future looks like is unclear and not happening right now."
The now (if I am in the now anyway) is still not terribly interesting though, it´s more like a feeling of restlessness and boredom (judgement of the mind, I know).

The thought that comes up the most during the day - accompanied by feelings of inferiorty and shame - is that I still have no girlfriend. And I want to dig deeper into that because I just don´t get it. Do I need a girlfriend to impress society, my peers, my family or my friends? No, I don´t. So what is it that I really want? I honestly don´t know if I want a girlfriend. I think it´s more like I want to experience emotional and physical intimacy but since I´m feeling so detached from my own emotions I have no idea how to get there with another human being. When thinking about getting emotionally close to another person it´s like that notion alone is so foreign to me that I believe it will never happen to me. It´s like I´m not feeling entitled to receive love from another person. Even though I get it on some level that I am enough, my self-worth still seems non-existent. And it´s not that I beat myself up over silly litte things or act like a doormat arround other people, quite the contrary actually, but deep down I still feel defective. On the outside people think I´m this really carefree, upbeat guy but ultimate I feel this constant lack of my self-worth. And I am at a point now where I know that all these different self-help books, articles and whatnot will not do anything. I can only find the truth by myself but I´m just so tired of it all. Is this what my life will look like for the next 60 years or whatever? Why am I on this planet? Why can´t all this suffering just destroy my ego?

[Phil2]

The thought that comes up the most during the day - accompanied by feelings of inferiorty and shame - is that I still have no girlfriend. And I want to dig deeper into that because I just don´t get it. Do I need a girlfriend to impress society, my peers, my family or my friends? No, I don´t. So what is it that I really want? I honestly don´t know if I want a girlfriend.

Excellent.

The fact is that you DO NOT need a girlfriend. This need only comes from the pressure of social conformism, to imitate your friends, your parents etc ... and be 'recognized' as one of them, not to be 'rejected' ... to be 'accepted' as a 'normal' person ... and there is no freedom in this, just slavery of the opinions of others ...

But the fact is that you are already complete and you do not need anyone to complete you.

[GermanEnlightenment]

It´s interesting that such a simple truth takes so long to really resonant with me. Like you said, I think on the one hand we are conditioned to find someone to feel complete by our society, the media, sometimes our own friends and family but on the other hand we also adopt this false belief and give it more power the older we get. In my case I had the idea in my head since I was a teenager that one day a girl will come to save me from my dull existence. I gave this belief more and more power through listening to songs about the fulfillment of love, exposing myself to movies and tv-shows that cemented my beliefs and daydreaming constantly about receiving love from a girl.

The last couple of weeks were so important to me because it´s like I have to mourn the death of my old beliefs. Realizing that there will be no saviour that will make things right is simulataneously frightening and liberating to me. I often thought of myself as someone that makes up his own mind instead of following the crowd but it´s only now that I realize how that´s not actually true. A lot of my social conditioning was so deeply ingrained that I didn´t realize what I was doing a lot of the time. "Unearthing" all these false belief that I never challenged is really "enlightening" to me. Yesterday I read "The four agreements" (after saying I won´t read another self-help book ) by Don Miguel Ruiz and this book really helped me. It´s interesting how a lot of teachers point to the same truth but sometimes one approach is just slightly different and you just get what´s been said. With Tolle I sort of get what he´s saying but I feel like Ruiz is more relatable to me. The second agreement "take nothing personally" is actually the most liberating for me: “Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering”.

See ya when I write my next post that describes how dreadful my life is.

[Phil2]

It´s interesting that such a simple truth takes so long to really resonant with me. Like you said, I think on the one hand we are conditioned to find someone to feel complete by our society, the media, sometimes our own friends and family but on the other hand we also adopt this false belief and give it more power the older we get. In my case I had the idea in my head since I was a teenager that one day a girl will come to save me from my dull existence. I gave this belief more and more power through listening to songs about the fulfillment of love, exposing myself to movies and tv-shows that cemented my beliefs and daydreaming constantly about receiving love from a girl.

Right, our environment creates a huge pressure about 'finding the right partner' who will complete us and make us happy ... this is pure illusion, we need no 'partner' to be happy ...

The last couple of weeks were so important to me because it´s like I have to mourn the death of my old beliefs. Realizing that there will be no saviour that will make things right is simulataneously frightening and liberating to me.

Right, letting go of the old patterns is the hard job ... freedom has a price to pay ... and there will be much resistance ... ego is like Captain Hook, it won't leave you without wanting a fierce battle ...

Yesterday I read "The four agreements" (after saying I won´t read another self-help book ) by Don Miguel Ruiz and this book really helped me. It´s interesting how a lot of teachers point to the same truth but sometimes one approach is just slightly different and you just get what´s been said. With Tolle I sort of get what he´s saying but I feel like Ruiz is more relatable to me. The second agreement "take nothing personally" is actually the most liberating for me: “Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering”.

Yes, I discovered "The Four Agreements" some weeks ago too (thanks to this forum ) ... I agree that it completes quite well Tolle's teachings, and in some aspects is even more 'practical', the recommendations can be applied immediately and efficiently to our day-to-day life ...

See ya when I write my next post that describes how dreadful my life is.

You are welcome GE

[smiileyjen101]

That's interesting GE, I bought a copy of The Four Agreements for a friend yesterday, and a set of The Fifth Agreement cards / reminder thingys.

One of them that absolutely hit the nail on the head in the moment says

"I don't need to compete with anybody.
I don't need to compare myself with anybody.
I don't need to live up to an image of perfection.
I just need to be me.

I am perfect just the way I am."

As soon as we know this, the crap all melts when we stop holding onto it, holding crap to us and overlaying it on each other.

It will be fun to read how these 'agreements' manifest in your experiences. Will you notice when you're out of kilter? I'd suggest that at least one or more of the 'agreements' is being broken, in order to support the lies being told about self or others.

Another of the cards says:

"The way to measure the impeccability of my word is to ask "Am I happy, or am I suffering?
If I'm suffering then I'm not being impeccable with my word.

Truth ~ Honesty ~ Integrity
Happiness begins with impeccability of the word."

(and the word is 'love')

(and I still want you to actually change the title of this thread - my take - it's crap you're holding to you and overlaying on another and by its mere being here it's 'sticking'). Only you can do it, if you're willing

[GermanEnlightenment]

Yeah, what I love about these agreements is that they are simple yet effective. For someone like me who has like 1000 different mental concepts and theories in his head, it´s a great relief.

How do I change the threat title?

[smiileyjen101]

How do I change the threat title?

Hmm, good question I think, I'm testing here, - doing a reply & highlighting and typing over the Subject line, but as I'm not the OP it may not work....

(If that doesn't work .... scream... Help!! )

[slow ride]

Become you and some lucky girl will find you, everything will be perfect, you will have a greater number of more-devoted friends and more.

[ellen_]

Hi,

Eckhart Tolle makes the diffrence between romantic love and unconditional love. Unconditional love has no opposite, you love the person without claiming anything but just as they are, in every situation, no matter the relation. The love you have for this girl is romantic (egoic) because you make a list of things you want her to be and do not accept things as they are.

''Identification with your mind creates an opaque screen of concepts, labels, images, words, judgments, and definitions that blocks all true relationship.'' says Eckhart Tolle. Your romantic love is egoic love that identifies with your mind and therefore you are not just happy having her near you, spending time with her.......no, your ego needs to have her to itself ONLY and makes you suffer.

The worst news is that, romantic love is made up of polarities ( just as anything else that comes from the mind), which means that even if she said yes to dating you...The happiness of today is only the despair of tomorrow. Don't mean to disappoint you but Eckhart Tolle, even calls romantic love a ''dysfunction''.

From '' The Power of Now''

''The polarities are mutually interdependent. You cannot have one without the other. The positive already contains within itself the as yet unmanifested negative. Both are in fact different aspects of the same dysfunction. I am speaking here of what is commonly called romantic relationships - not of true love, which has no opposite because it arises from beyond the mind. Love as a continuous state is as yet very rare - as rare as conscious human beings. Brief and elusive glimpses of love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of mind.''

''If you stop investing it with "selfness," the mind loses its compulsive quality, which basically is the compulsion to judge, and so to resist what is, which creates conflict, drama, and new pain. In fact, the moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.''

Accept things as they are and learn what Eckhart Tolle calls ''true love'' that has no opposite, where you enjoy every second with the girl, make most of it, see life as a gift, enjoy.....get rid of the ''small mind'' and find the great spirit within you. There is so much more to life.

Greetings
Ellen

[Phil2]

Eckhart Tolle makes the difference between romantic love and unconditional love. Unconditional love has no opposite, you love the person without claiming anything but just as they are, in every situation, no matter the relation. The love you have for this girl is romantic (egoic) because you make a list of things you want her to be and do not accept things as they are.

Excellent posting Ellen. This kind of romantic/egoic love is but resistance to 'what is' ... and there is 'possessivity' in this, which means a division, separation, polarity ... there is a person I love (from whom I feel separate) and I want to possess this person for me alone ...

True love means that we start from non-separation, we are already ONE ... so there is nothing to 'possess' ...

[ellen_]

Exactly Phil.

And I also wanted to point out that it doesn't mean that you cant have a ''special connection'' with a certain person (cause we love everyone and are connected to everyone etc.). Here's Eckhart Tolle's explanation:

''Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the "love" of ego. However, the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.''

I apologize for merely quoting Eckhart Tolle's books most of the time...it's just that all answers are already in there and there is no better way to put it .

From experience I can only confirm that this is right. I got into depression because my thoughts have been torturing all my life (I can say hindsight) but the trigger that made everything ''collapse'' and which started the depression (twice actually) was romantic love ! Love turned into hate, yes...my whole life I longed for ''real love'' and every time I got into a relationship or felt ''love'', I was disappointed by the tricks people play on each other. The man I ''loved'' was already taken and so I didn't want to start anything at all before he sorted his stuff. But he wanted everything and everyone, us both, lies. My ego in turn reacted ''this is against your values, this is not acceptable, don't let him think you are one of these girls bla-bla-bla''. My love turned into hate. All of a sudden I saw him as the reason for my sufferings, blamed him and no good came from there.

Little did I know at the time that the ''real love'' I was longing for so much was unconditional love, I probably have had glimpses of before. So I wanted it but didn't know how to give nor obtain it.

I got into severe depressions because of my ego, almost died, and even after having gotten out of the nightmare, society would still make me believe that I am ''not normal'', that I have ''chronical disease'' ......for many many years I lived in constant fear of falling back into depression (after all I was told it's chronical and I am sick for life). That constant fear drained all life out of me, blocked all creativity, paralyzed me. This went on for almost ten years. I am telling you this because what ultimately saved me was true love, unconditional love...

I am twenty six now, and every day I thank god, the universe and all planets around it for having given me the chance of experiencing unconditional love. It is what ultimately ''healed'' me. As I quoted Eckhart Tolle earlier ''There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her.'' My man recently told me ''you could be living on the moon and I would still love you''. That sums it all up. Our spirits connected and it does not matter where we are in the world, what the ''official status'' of our relationship is, for how long we don't see each other. One could say that we mutually healed each other. From merely ''existing'' (living in past in future) we went on to ''living''. And no matter what I do in life, I will love him forever. What brought me to this state is that when is that with him, I was for the first time in my life able to be myself. Hindsight I understand that the right expression is, I was able ''to be me'' and let go of the self, the ego.

I hope that I was able to help you in some way by sharing my story.

All the best
Ellen

[GermanEnlightenment]

^^See, what I did here?

By the way, insightful comments guys.

[GermanEnlightenment]

The last two weeks were interesting. I read Don Miguel Ruiz´s "The fifth agreement" as well as "The mastery of love". The latter one had at least one great revelation to me on every page for the first 100 pages or so. I highly recommend it.

As I´ve said before I have two weeks off now and this girl and I only met up once due to our crazy study-schedule and general busyness. It was great, we talked for like five hours straight without a break. I think the reason why our conversation had such a nice flow to it was because I wasn´t filtering myself and didn´t have to think twice about what I was going to say. And I think she felt the same. A lot of personal topics that we talked about started with the phrase "I actually haven´t talked about this with anyone before but..." which is probably the most amazing you can say to another person. That shows that there´s a lot of trust and depth between us and we can just be ourselves arround each other because we know the other person accepts us just as we are. Afterwards I couldn´t believe what I told her and what she told me. Even after we both got home, we continued our conversation with each other by texting again and we had at least 15 or so exchanges.
Now, I feel this deep connection to her but it doesn´t feel like a romantic attachment to her anymore. Before, the thought of seeing her with another man would make me angry and jealous, now I just want her to be happy and find her own way in life. I somehow understood that I can´t force her to do anything with me and as clichee as it sounds I believe the universe knows what´s right for me.

That said, the ego (and my egoic attachment to her) sometimes returns in such an ugly and extreme form that I still fall into old thought patterns and conditioning. Those phases get shorter and shorter though even they now feel more "violent" and intense.

[GermanEnlightenment]

A couple of things that changed about my life since my long suffering-phase:

- I do everything more consciously. I eat more healhty, watch my sleeping patterns and stopped drinking alcohol altogether (wasn´t a drinker before but now I stopped completely)
- I immerse myself less in books, music and tv-shows. I realized that I have enough mind-created stories on my own so I don´t need this constant external stimulation anymore. When I f.e. read a book now, I enjoy the journey instead of getting to the end and only read a couple of chapters a day.
- My days seems to get longer and longer. Probably because I don´t waste so much time thinking about events that might happen or that have already happened.
- I can relate to people more easily because I don´t want to impose my opinions on them anymore and most of the time I´m not concerned about what they think about me. When I find myself analyzing every words that´s coming out of their mouth, I realize that it´s just my ego looking for negative stimulus.
- I can attend family dinners now without feeling immense stress. Whereas before I was feeling tense and "tired" when conflicts between family members would occur, I now experience them more as a minor annoyances. I typically remove myself from the situation though because I feel like there´s nothing to be gained from watching people fighting, accusing each other over petty little things that happened years ago.
- I find it more easy to be open with my friends and I just want to give them a good time when they spend time with me. If you are a giver and demand nothing from other people things take care of themselves because if you live your life with awareness it is likely that you will attract people that are also givers.
-I have learned to say "no". Before I was anxious how the other person would react so I would try to weasel my way out with a wishy-washy response. Now I´m giving people a clear "yes" or "no" and they respect me more for doing it.

[slow ride]

Great progress report!

...my days seems to get longer and longer.

I'd been having that sensatation lately also.
But, inexplicably, I'm not feeling the same way today.