I can´t get over her

[smiileyjen101]

I find it more easy to be open with my friends and I just want to give them a good time when they spend time with me. If you are a giver and demand nothing from other people things take care of themselves because if you live your life with awareness it is likely that you will attract people that are also givers.

-I have learned to say "no". Before I was anxious how the other person would react so I would try to weasel my way out with a wishy-washy response. Now I´m giving people a clear "yes" or "no" and they respect me more for doing it.

I'm so glad to see the second para here follow the first.

It's not a 'given' that by being loving you will 'likely attract people that are also givers' - everyone is dreaming their own dream and if they feel 'need' need will arise. Therefore loving yourself, and choosing authentically for your self (as you would have read in The Mastery of Love) as you have mentioned in the second para, is equally important. Love for self and others can be a tricky balance.

I'd also add here - look again at the notion that you 'just want to give them a good time'.... like love, you don't give or receive a 'good time' - acceptance, enjoyment and/or enthusiasm flow freely through you, not 'from you' or 'to you, or to others' it's just getting out of your own formerly resistant to what is ways, and letting the joy and love flow - through you in you as you yes, but it's not about 'you', per se.

I too read the Mastery of Love this weekend, I like the analogy he uses of how beautiful and 'easy' a dog loves and how we love a dog - unconditionally accepting whatever arises. Then we can see family squabbles as folks chewing on and protecting, or fighting over, a bone

[GermanEnlightenment]

Yeah, regarding the "giving people a good time", that might be just poor wording from my side. It´s hard to describe but to me it feels like I want to expand that energy which is me and reach others with it, if that makes sense. I think the ego or the mind comes in to judge how the other person responds to me and if I can detect any awareness inside them. But yeah it´s a learning process. I´m not free-giving to everybody but it´s like I have more compassion for people now who behave "negatively". I know it´s their ego or pain-body doing its work.

Right now I just find a lot of things amusing to watch f.e. how people argue with each other or how they exaggerate every little thing. Stuff like that. I can´t help but see the absurdity of life and how we really try our hardest to make our experience here miserable for ourselves and others.

In general I feel very content with life now although my ego sometimes strikes back in full force when I least expect it. It´s really intense and it´s like I see all the mistakes from my past in front of my mind´s eye, extraprolated by 100. Then I feel bursts of anger and frustration, sometimes I shed a couple of tears. Those phases get shorter and shorter but more engery-sucking every time. It feels like an inner war. In this time I´m also completely identified with my thoughts and feelings and doubt everything that I have ever learned about awareness. But instantly when these phases end, it´s like they never happened. Very strange.

[ellen_]

Right now I just find a lot of things amusing to watch f.e. how people argue with each other or how they exaggerate every little thing. Stuff like that. I can´t help but see the absurdity of life and how we really try our hardest to make our experience here miserable for ourselves and others.

That was very weird for me. Prior to discovering Eckhart Tolle I thought I was insane when I realized I am able to distance myself from this '' people arguing'' etc (whether I was part of the argument or not) and see it as what it is: ''absurdity''. So I would be able to observe that but then my ego would go ''Hang on, where are you? This is not normal''. I am happy my ego doesnt have the upper hand anymore.

It feels like an inner war.

That's how I felt for years. I described it as ''inner conflict'' in my first post here. When I discovered Eckhart Tolle two weeks ago, everything fell into place and I finally could make sense of what I was going through. The war will end in peace don't worry. You're on the right path!

In this time I´m also completely identified with my thoughts and feelings and doubt everything that I have ever learned about awareness. But instantly when these phases end, it´s like they never happened. Very strange.

Maybe because you're back in the now? In any case: those moments of identification with thought will disappear as you become more and more aware

Best of luck with everything
Ellen

[GermanEnlightenment]

I have now reached a sticking point in my journey and I feel stuck. The last mounths forced me to be extremely honest with myself and this in turn revealed some ugly truths about my past behaviour and my way of acting now. What nobody knows is that I´m still a virgin. Since my teenage years I wasn´t able to get a girlfriend so I constructed eloborate stories about me meeting girls in my mind and told them to my family, friends and other people that wanted to know about my dating life. The stories that I created became such a part of my identity that I almost believed that they really happened to me. My teenage years were constantly plagued with social isolation and bullying and I couldn´t keep a conversation with anyone to save my life, so I thought I have to make myself more interesting or otherwise people would leave me.

The thing is that I feel extremely ashamed to still be a virigin. Even writing this stuff out on the forum makes me paranoid because I fear that anyone who knows me will read it and find out what kind of liar I am. Like a lot of old thought patterns that were going round and round in my head my casual response to someone asking me about my weekend was that I met my friends and some girls. But from now on I want to stop lying about it and actually have a dating-life. Right now, I feel this constant restlessness inside me when I´m at home to go out and meet girls but in the end I don´t approach when I´m in town. I also fear that my sexual inexperience would ruin what I have with a girl and I think that being honest about it would diminish my chances with her. Today I actually considered paying a hooker to just finally settle the matter but I couldn´t bring myself to do it.

I think where this girl comes in that I was writing about it, is that she basically is my first girlfriend even though we are not in a romantic relationship with each other. Me spending time with her led to all this revealation about myself and my dating "life". We are now very close with each other and can talk about anything. Although I knew she was more sexually experienced than I am, it still came as a shock to me when she told me about her one night stands-stories. Of course women have to keep a lot of their quick affairs secret because of how they are judged by other men and women but hearing the "gory" details of those nights actually made me feel sick to the heart for two days. That´s good though because that´s basically just my ego feeling insecure about my lack of experience and the fact that some random guy could just sweep her off her feet for one night while I "worked" on her for months, not getting any sex. But doesn´t this just show that my "love" for her was always just an egoic attachment of seeing the oppurtunity in her to have sex? It wasn´t genuine or "meant to be" like my mind said.

I think I simply have trouble admitting that I suck when it comes to dating. With every other area of my life I just plan, organize and carry out a plan and then stuff works out. But human beings are so unpredictable and you can´t get into a social situation and know what happens beforehand. I think in general I find it hard to show my sexual interest in a woman. This probably stems from the belief that I´m not desirable and unworthy of their attention.

[Phil2]

I thought I have to make myself more interesting or otherwise people would leave me.

Yes, this need for other's recognition, this fear to be rejected by others ... this is a prison, no freedom there ... learn to stand alone, psychologically totally alone ...

The thing is that I feel extremely ashamed to still be a virigin.

Pressure to imitation, social conformism ... here again need to be recognized, fear of rejection ...

I think in general I find it hard to show my sexual interest in a woman. This probably stems from the belief that I´m not desirable and unworthy of their attention.

So forget about dating and do what you like of your own ... why try to attract others ? let others come when they come, and go when they go ... let life flow as it flows naturally ... you don't need anyone to be what you are already ... forget this endless and useless quest for a 'partner' ... learn to walk alone ... and enjoy the present moment as it is ...

[ellen_]

Dear GermanEnlightenment,

You have not reached a ''sticking point'' in your journey. It is your mind that might still be trying to tell you you are stuck, because it does not understand what is going on (it has been exposed to the consciousness). But the opposite is true: you are not stuck, you are finally getting out of being stuck all your life, you are awakening. And it is very beautiful to read you because your awakening shines through every line you write.

That ability you have to clearly and fully understand what has been happening to you in the past and how to get rid of it (the painbody, the lies, the fears) IS awakening......

You are in a state where you are fully conscious of how ridiculous it is to try and live up to societies expectations but still think you need to do it in order to be part of society (you are still looking for ways to enhance your dating life as though it was your duty in order to be accepted by society).

Remember this: having had your first sexual experience at a certain age, dating, marriage and so on are norms of society (just as there are another billion, moreover differing from one culture,nation, country to another).

But YOU, as an awakened being, are free of that now, liberated (or are soon gonna be).

Your painbody lies in the dating life....but it could be just as well any other area where society has put invisible ''boundaries'' that make you appear ''not normal'' when you do not have this or that at a certain age (first sexual experience with 14-20 / marriage with around 30/ children from 30-45 years old and so on, depending on society of course).

Does that not seem ridiculous to you? And then of course it goes ''Ho hoooo, Oh my god, you are over 20 and still a virgin, that is not normal". What else can you expect from our ''little minds''. A person in the egoic state of mind, and those are most of us, will do anything to annihilate what is different. They will lead you to believe YOU have a problem, YOU are not normal, YOU are a failure.

GermanEnlightenment, believe me, you are not. My first time was a disaster and certainly not with the right person but I too felt like I'd be an outcast if I didn't do it. Sadly, many of us have a similar story. To be honest, that first time when I was eighteen , I am not even sure it was my first time. I am still horrified even when thinking of it. I prefer never to.....but Id like to share my story with you so that you realize just how ''insane'' those norms are. I was in love with someone but because of the pressure I would get, Id feel like I have to have my first time to fit in. I was desperate about life and found it hard to believe the first sex could ever be with someone I love and meaningful (how can it when you force it?). Well, I then would get drunk at parties and remember myself waking up next to men without knowing what had happened at all. I was so ashamed I never dared to ask. This happened twice and probably nothing happened because I fell asleep or wouldve felt it if something did happen.....the truth is, I dont really know. But how insane was this: I guess I preferred THAT to ''being a virgin''. That way it felt as though I had my first time even though I had no idea what I have had because I was sh**drunk and didnt remember. But everything was better than ''not being the norm''.

Can you feel the deepness of the insanity here? By the time I was eighteen, I wasn't even sure whether my first time was my first time. And it was anything else but glorious either. The sexual act is no pleasurable thing if the want does not come from deep within, from your being, from that place underneath the million labels and confinements. It can be to a certain extent, when you lose yourself for a couple moments (just as you get glimpses of awakening in your sleeping ego possessed state of life from time to time), but most "ego possessed " people cant lose themselves in sex just as they cant in life, they cant just be........let it be......let themselves go.....experience those many orgasms in a row. Anything is possible but it comes with how deeply you are connected to your being, how peaceful you are, how awakened you are.

What I am trying to say is that if you force your first time it will maybe be ''real'' because it happened and it will be no more ''lies you invent'' to fit in but it will be NO better. It will not be the pleasurable, enlightened sex you can enjoy. It will be the bland one you have to ''undergo'' to be the norm or it will be with the wrong person and your awareness will be asking you ''why am I doing this'' etc. I am sure you understand............You can only feel true pleasure doing the right thing at the right moment. Whether you decide to let things flow and have the woman of your dreams come to you in the right moment or whether you decide to sleep with someone more experienced just for the teaching and pleasure, do it fully, meaning: dont let your ego torture you with its little ''rights'' or ''wrongs'' , the only thing you should listen to is your intuition, your heart. Consciousness is going to give you the answer, all you have to do is let life live through you.

the fact that some random guy could just sweep her off her feet for one night while I "worked" on her for months, not getting any sex.

If you reconsidered this statement of yours in the light of what I just wrote and would remove labels such as ''getting sex'' or ''working it'' by ''LIFE'', meaning: if you would SEE IT ALL AS A WHOLE instead of labeling, you would realize that what you have with this girl is infinitely greater than anything anyone could ever put a label on. The label sex is : ''genital contact, especially the insertion of the penis into the vagina followed by orgasm'', as defined by dictionary.com. This is what western society expects us to do before the age of twenty (even earlier) or else we are seen as ''not normal''. This as well as a million other things ,our society expects us to do or be, keeps us in confinement, on ALL levels.

YOU are given the unique precious chance to finally get out of that confinement, find true love, pure joy, liberation ......the chance to awaken. I am so happy for you. Enjoy it and always remember: only good can come from it. Our lives purpose is to awaken and in that state....everything is possible.

Much love
Ellen

[GermanEnlightenment]

Much love back to you, Ellen. Thanks for sharing personal story with me.

I think I made a lot of progress on my spiritual journey in the last couple of weeks. I found this website which offers a lot of great articles about enlightenment, law of attraction and how the mind works: http://www.calmdownmind.com/
I always find it interesting that you can read a certain pointer in a slightly different form and suddenly it just makes sense to you. And the way this guy is writing these articles really "clicks" with me.

I´m now able to watch my mind for the most time and see how it functions. Sometimes I find it almost comical how it always follows the same path: One negative thought leads to a downward-spiral of misery and depression that can last for hours. I now find myself feeling at peace for most of the time but the "return of the ego"-moments still feel really violent and toxic. I had a rough night recently where the ego´s pull was so strong that I actually prayed to no not wake up again the next morning if the pain was still so unbearable. Well, the next day I was a boundle of positive energy, going about my daily business like nothing happened. Life is strange, man.
In general I feel like my days are unbelievably long now. I don´t waste hours being lost in thoughts, media or doing unnecessary tasks that I felt I needed to do to be worthy of somebody´s approval.

What I didn´t know before though is that there are actually neural pathways in your brain that need some time to get used to a joyful state of being by getting rid of old, negative thought patterns that were constantly reinforced before. Very interesting. I now realize how fruitless it was to cling to my conditional, mechanical mind to find a solution to my life´s problems because in the end it´s just a machine that can only work with the insights that it already has instead of accepting new "material" from my awareness to figure things out with wisdom and patience.

What I also experience now is that it´s so much more fun to have social interactions with others if you don´t need to constantly validate your ego. I now understand how silly it was to depend on the approval of others and constantly wear different social mask that you think(!) will satisfy other people instead of expressing your natural self. Today I had a great chat with two of my classmates where I could sense that we were still wearing our masks in the beginning but we eventually dropped them for a long, authentic conversation about our hobbies. Just amazing.

What this girl and I have with each other is really fascinating. We didn´t talk that much in the last weeks and believe that was due to my necessary phase of isolation were I released some supressed emotions/energy from my past and also because I had to honestly ask myself what I really want from her now. With my egoic wants and needs out of the picture now, how and why do I interact with her? In the past I talked to her, made her laugh, tried to be depthful and took her different places because I thought the end result would be her being my girlfriend and having sex. But now, I just want her to live a happy life and find her own true calling.
Although we were never in a romantic relationship I could experience a lot of different emotions and feelings through our connection that would be problematic if we actually were together or if I would be together with some other girl.
F.e. I would become jealous if she would talk to or laugh with some guy. Can this be healthy behaviour? No, and if we were together I probably would´ve been in a constant state of paranoia whenever she would go out alone. I identified this feeling of inferiorty and jealousy in me and now I´m suprised by how little I react to her weekend-stories in which she talks about meeting some guy. That´s because I don´t feel like I have to own her and I no longer feel bad for being sexually inexperienced. I had to release a lot of old emotions of frustration and resentment to get there but now I just feel free from it.
Deep down I know I´m doing the right thing because I don´t want to have a relationship in which both partners are together out of dependency or power-games or the constant ups and downs through creating drama. This whole year has been a great exercise for me to learn that I have to discover the love in me first before I can share it with other people. What´s funny is that when viewed through the eyes of the ego this whole year sucked completely because nothing in my romantic life worked out. What a difference it makes to be aware and watch life unfold by trusting in your source. The exact same things can happen to you but how you experience them could vary so drastically it´s unbelievable. Every problematic situation that you encounter is another to chance to ask yourself if you are truly aligned with your inner state or if you have fallen into the trap of the ego again. I now trust that life will take me on the "right" path and I feel the more I let go of my mind and its momentum the easier everything falls into place. Your post, Ellen, is actually a good example of that. This week I felt the urge to write in here to describe my progress but I never took the time to do it. But now your response made me finally sit down and do it. It just came at the right time.

[GermanEnlightenment]

I also look at relationships in a totally different light now. I guess now it´s quite obvious but today everything fell into place and I came to the deep understanding that I actually never loved this girl. I wanted to own her and believed that she would be my only chance to have sex. There was nothing romantic about my egoic attachment to her in the last couple of months. All this time I displayed a lot of needy and toxic behaviour:

- I would feel threatened if she talked to other people, not just other guys but other girls. I was so desperate for her attention and felt insecure when she took it away from me.
- My whole day was ruined if she didn´t show up in class. Which means I depended on an external "source" for my good or bad mood.
- I felt relieved when she talked about her weekend and mentioned staying inside instead of going out, having fun
- when she talked about wanting to see the world, I wasn´t really sharing her enthuasism because I was afraid of her leaving me
- when I offered her my friendship I was still having the uterior motive to have sex with her. I thought sooner or later it would happen.
- I met her friends and family because I thought she would realize how perfectly I fit into her world
- I listened to about 500 hundred songs about love, commitment and soulmates but it was all an illusion. In my mind things between us would be perfect, an ideal that could never be matched by reality.


All in all my past behaviour makes it perfectly clear why I could feel totally comfortable in her presence but the underlying emotion of every encounter we had was still fear and neediness. This "love" from my side was nothing but bound to certain conditions or circumstances. And I think now I´m going through a certain phase where I feel a bit indifferent about her. I mean sure, I still care for her as a human being but now that I´ve seen through my ego´s whole charade that masquered as love I´m a bit at loss in regards to how I feel about her. We didn´t have a lot of contact in the last couple of weeks and now we are basically having two months off in which we don´t have to see each other if we don´t want to. I still want to catch up with her during the summer vacation but I think the best thing I can do now is meeting other people, getting new life-experiences and seeing where the journey takes me. And then we can catch up again after not seeing each other for two months. I think that way everything will sort itself out by itself, the way life always does. Now that I understand the way my ego operates I think I will be able to lead a much more healthy and concious relationship with another girl.

[smiileyjen101]

What a gift of experience this has been for you GE.

Right back at the beginning of this thread ...

Phil2 said:
There can be no true love if it originates from such a 'need' ... let things come and go ... freely ...

You just needed to experience it to know it.

[Phil2]

I came to the deep understanding that I actually never loved this girl. I wanted to own her and believed that she would be my only chance to have sex. There was nothing romantic about my egoic attachment to her in the last couple of months.

Good you came to see this truth on yourself ...

Reminds me a joke (sorry for sexist accents )


"A man gives affection to get sex, while a woman gives sex to get affection" ...

As J. Krishnamurti used to say: "Sex is mutual exploitation" ...

[GermanEnlightenment]

There´s this one thought pattern in me that still comes up from time to time and it is accomponied by heavy feelings including an ache in my chest. I don´t know why it has such a hold on me but it´s about the story this girl told me where she went home with some guy in a club after knowing him for an hour. I don´t know why I get so hung up on it but it makes me feel sick whenever I think about it. Now, I´m quite conscious of the fact that a lot of men have a madonna-whore complex and they believe that "she´s to pure and nice and she would never to do that" but I actually never considered myself one of those guys. I don´t care if women go home with a different guy every night if that´s how they chose to lead their love-life and their behaviour is not coming from a place of low self-esteem but they do it because it´s fun, they know what they want or some other reason.
No, I think it still pains me because I put her on a pedestal and I actually was one of those guys that thought that she was sexually inexperienced and "she would never do that". So I guess that makes me a hypocrite, right? There´s this nasty side of my ego that calls her a slut even though in general I´m completely non-judgmental towards women who do that. I guess the difference is that I wanted to own her and the ego doesn´t like sharing with others. And I had to experience it by myself what I means to be in love with someone who already had their fair share of sex partners because having a certain opinion about something in your head is often a very different thing than experiencing your beliefs being tested in real-life where the ego and the pain-body is involved.

The good thing about this story coming up again and again is that I inquire more in-depth why I feel such inferiority and lack inside me whenever I think about it. Is it so hard for me to accept that she just did it because it was fun and seemed like the right thing at the time? Why do these nagging feelings show up again and again even though I already allowed them fully to surface until they subsided? What is the lesson here?

[GermanEnlightenment]

Wait a minute...I think I got it.
I think it still comes down to the fact that I´m sexually inexperienced and that I somehow feel like I screwed up with her. There were a lot of moments when I was alone with her and I couldn´t make a move to save my life. Not because I was afraid but because I had no clue how to even start making out with her. It was like sitting in front of a mysterious machine and you have absolutely no idea how to operate it. And because of that I also feel jealous of the guy that had sex with her, he knew what he was doing. Well, at least enough to get physical.
I think that´s what it all comes down to. I somehow feel like I wasted my teenage-years with playing video games and hating the world instead of getting real life-experiences with girls. And now whenever I meet a new girl I already feel inferior because of my lack of experience when it comes to sex. Well, I guess the best thing would be to find a girl that´s equally inexperienced as I am and be open about my "situation".

[Phil2]

Well, I guess the best thing would be to find a girl that´s equally inexperienced as I am and be open about my "situation".

Not a bad idea ... why not let love guide you ... instead of projecting a 'sexual/physical relationship' ... why not first 'connect' with a girl at the emotional level ... then the physical issue will no more be a problem ... it will happen naturally ... love first then do what you want ...

[GermanEnlightenment]

My path to consciousness forces me to unearth more and more limiting beliefs which - when put under the microscope of awareness - feel like a cleansing ritual for my soul. This weekend f.e. I found out that I´m actually afraid of being attractive to girls. I think the fear behind that is the fear of rejection that maybe stems from my teenage-years. Trying to look good for others actually opens up the possibility of them rejecting you for your looks only and makes you look dumb for putting in the effort. Dressing well also draws attention to yourself which I didn´t want as a teenager because everyone made fun of me in class anyway. Luckily, I was never bullied in a physical way but I felt like an outcast because of my aloof and day-dreaming nature while everyone else seemed loud and obnoxious. Now I understand that my own uncomfortableness with looking good and showing sexual interest in girls made them feel uncomfortable as well. If I can´t stand the idea of me being desirable and attractive how could they? The funny thing is that I never thought of myself as being unattractive and I also received a lot of positive feedback from people over the years regarding my looks but I still developed the attitude to not draw attention to myself. The paradox of course is that if I´m comfortable with my looks others will sense that immediately and it´s much more attractive to girls as well. Funny how the mind thinks a defense-mechanism like this (Hiding from others so that they won´t judge you) doesn´t really accomplish anything and makes you even more reclusive and detached from everybody.

Lately it seems like I have to revisit a lot of old wounds from my past but because I have already seen a lot of synchronicities and reveleations happening on my journey I simply trust my life-stream now to give me the right experiences at the right time. One example is that the school that I went to as a teenager was an all boys-school and I didn´t get along with my peers so I developed a lot of resentment and hatred for guys my age. Well, now that I´m going to the gym a lot I actually meet a lot of these guys my age and a lot of them are actually pretty cool. Approaching them with an open mind instead of already anticipating rejection from them is key. If you feel fear instead people sense that and will either feel uncomfortable in your presence while trying to comfort you or they will try to dominate you.
I think what´s great about this whole journey is how your external reality always mirrors what´s going on inside you. If something on the outside - people and situations - don´t feel "right", it´s time to check if one is aligned with the stream of life or lost in mind-identification. When things simply fall into place then there´s a higher intelligence at work and a feeling of inner peace overcomes me.

[GermanEnlightenment]

At the moment I feel like I´m in a transitional period. I have six weeks off now until the second year of my training starts and I have really no idea what to do with my free time. I mostly lied in bed for the past two days, listening through my whole record collection and reading the occasional post about awareness, living in the now etc. on my laptop. I feel constantly tired and every activity feels like a chore. There´s an urge in me to be more service-oriented towards others but as soon as I´ve to interact with people I feel like retreating back into my fortress of solitude.
It´s almost like being depressed (which I have been a couple of times before) but it still feels somewhat different. I have no intention to reconnect with my friends or meet this girl that I was writing about. I thought about going to the gym more often and get a part-time job but I just can´t bring myself to get out of the house. Especially in the last week it seems like I´ve realized the deep ordinariness of life and I´m no longer looking for the next "kick". This girl could send my text right now and we could meet up - we would have a lot of fun - but if not I don´t care whatsoever. A couple of months ago I would be incredibly excited to meet her but now I´m not sure what that should accomplish in the long run.
I think this blase attitude stems from the fact that I´m no longer sure what I want from people. I noticed this in my interactions with others too. Before "waking up" I wanted other people to appreciate me, to validate me, to accept me but now that I realized that what I am can´t be "touched" by neither the acceptance nor the rejection of others it feels like I´m a bit at loss of how an aware social interaction should look like. Well, I guess sooner or later inspiration will hit me and I will reconnect with the world but right now I need my alone time.

It´s weird though. I have always been an hardcore introvert, spending most of my free time reading books, watching and discussing movies online or searching the net for information about things that interest me. But now it´s like I´m still enjoying these things but I want to do more with people. I don´t know what exactly but there´s a stronger pull towards being social and going out than before.
During the last couple of weeks I also had to release some supressed emotional energy that was pent up inside me since who knows when. There was a lot of anger, sexual energy and boredom to be released and I feel a lot more "lighter" on the inside now than before. Right now though I mostly feel "blah" about everything. It´s not really boredom or restlessness but it´s like feeling that my old external reality is dissolving thereby making space for something new. It´s this intuition that I have.