Hey guys, I just thought I could update you a little bit on my journey. A lot of stuff happened in my life that I´d like to share.
Yes, I went paragliding with a good friend of mine primarily for the reason of why not?
The day before it happened my mind had all these delusions of how mind-blowing it would be to jump out of an airplane, not knowing if I am going to survive or not. Well, in the end it turned out to be a pretty ordinary experience. But I can see it being an addicitve activity since it´s pretty hard to be occupied with thinking when you are free falling and tumbling through the air.
Now after three weeks time I have almost no recollection of the actual event but I have it on video for people to enjoy and laugh at.
I don´t know if this acivity changed anything in me, maybe I got more courageous and bold in my daily-life? I´m not sure. I would recommend doing it even though I didn´t get a huge adrenaline-rush out of it but that´s completely subjective I guess. It always takes me a while to integrate such "extraordinary" events in my life, so maybe one day I´ll wake up being totally shocked that I actually did that. But who knows.
WOMEN & RELATING TO PEOPLE
Well, obviously this girl that I fell in love with can still teach me a lesson or two since we ended up sitting beside each other again this new semester. As fate wanted it, there were no other seats left. A month ago - when my training started again - I was actually frightened that the whole year would be the same as the last one with me not getting over her, pointlessly lusting after her and daydreaming about a relationship with her. It all came back on a day when I showed extremely needy and submissive behaviour towards her which resulted in me being just so bored and annoyed with myself for doing that again that I thought to myself "If tommorow will be the same as today, I´m just going to kill myself". Looking back on it now it seems like a very extreme reaction but I just had no capacity for suffering anymore and I just wanted to finally have some peace. On that day I came home and I felt like all those thoughts and emotions that I ever had about her were coming back to torture me and rip me apart but I just let them all play out and afterwards I fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke up again I felt like a storm had passed and I said to myself: "Never again." And that was the end of that.
It also became clear to me that my desperate wish to have a girlfriend was not motivated by joy and sharing love with another human being but to prove something. Yes, I wanted to prove to this girl that although she rejected me I was still able to get a girlfriend which would be superior to her (whatever that means). It was a purely egoic motivation and it´s no wonder that the universe didn´t align with me to help me fulfill that pathetic desire. It took me a lot of honesty to really figure that one out. It eventually came to me when I pictured myself with my new girlfriend and all I could see was me showing her off to other people so that I get their approval and recognition. It´s a good thing that I wasn´t able to get a new girlfriend as I would´ve started a relationship for all the wrong reasons.
I also brought a lot of clarity to my approval-seeking tendencies and I don´t know why or how but these patterns now simply resolved over time. It´s only now that I realize that how exhausting and pointless it is to hope for other people´s approval constantly, modelling yourself after the wishes of other instead of just being yourself. Being yourself actually seems like the hardest thing to do but what´s great about it is that the people that will be left on your side will be the ones that appreciate your authentic self instead of your submissive, approval-seeking self.
I actually have to laugh now when I think about all those times when I did things only so that people would like me more. I mean it´s sooo exhausting and - in the end - counterproductive that it just baffles me how I could ever be so confused to think that this is the right way to live.
I feel very at easy when I talk to women now primarily because I know that they can´t fulfill me. Enjoying life together is fun, for sure, but if I´m dependent on another person to act a certain way for me to feel good I´m once again participating in the insanity-dance of the ego. Right now I´m still single but I feel like I´m getting there. It´s like each week I learn something new about how my ego operates and I think to myself: "Wow, good thing I learned to let go of this pattern before entering a relationship." I guess eventually this learning-process will end and I will be able to have a relationship that´s free of all my past-baggage and ego-expectations. I´m not to hard on myself since a year I was a social recluse and "successfully" interacting with people in general was not even an option. I learned a lot in the last year.
I think I already wrote about this but I really urge everyone to check these websites out: yourbrainonporn.com and nofap.org.
I once tried to stop masturbating during the sommer months but I eventually relapsed. But now I´m willing to go all the way up to 90 days. I`m on day 14 now and I feel really good. If you believe in this method or not my subjective experience of it is that it really brings a lot of those benefits that these websites describe.
I think porn-addiciton and unhealthy masturbation-habits are generally dangerous because these are subjects that no one talks about. And I have to be honest, when I first started masturbating to porn when I was 12 years old (now 23) I though nothing of it but as the years went by I felt more and more depressed and distant from myself after masturbating to porn. I thought the sadness afterwards simply occured because I was on such a high from masturbating that when I came back to my "natural"-state I was only experiencing the emotional jetlag. But now I see how porn really kills every motivation to go out and meet women because if can watch the most crazy sexual escapades, not get rejected by a real woman and finish off anyway, why bother taking the initiative to meet real girls? I could go into more detail but I think it´s clear what the problem here is.
I´m no longer convinced that the training that I´m doing right now is the right thing for me. Last year I studied my ass off to get the best grades in class but was it actually fulfilling? No. I think of all these stressful hours that I put into learning things that are of no interest to me just to feel five seconds of relief and happiness for getting a good grade. Is this really how I want to live my life? There must be a job out there that is more aligned with myself. Maybe it´s also time to leave my small town, there´s nothing here for me and I feel like I can sense this inner pull to go someplace else.