Leave the situation - ET

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starting
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Leave the situation - ET

Post by starting » Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:35 pm

Hello :)

“When you complain, you make yourself a victim – Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it – All else is madness”

I am trying to apply this quote from ET in my life and a new situation happened and I am trying to see this as a test…maybe to check if I am doing it right? :D

The fact is, I cannot accept the situation, because I do not agree with the person and behavior because it hurt me so much…and Iam not able to change it…so what I am trying to do is to “leave the situation” and in this case it means to end contact with a friend (and also a distant relative).

This person is always trying to contact me again and I am trying to avoid contact. I am doing this politely but at the same time I do not feel good doing this…sometimes I think I should forgive and forget…but I do not feel good with this person close to me anymore.

Could you please clarify what this “leave the situation” mean in this case?

Thanks!
“Your life is in transition from a caterpillar to a butterfly. Something may be saying: `Where is my leaf?’ Don't fear. Trust. All is well. How auspicious that Grace has picked you up like this. Hold this gratitude inside your heart” ~ Mooji

dijmart
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Re: Leave the situation - ET

Post by dijmart » Wed Oct 01, 2014 8:59 pm

I've been in your shoes before, it was with a relative and years of repeated bad behavior. I left the situation first and found it too challenging in the guilt department. Then, I found that changing the situation was the best choice for me, meaning I made boundries and stuck to them. This allowed limited contact, but not, no contact. If you can't leave or accept, then change it would be best I think. It's hard to drop a family member without having guilt or remorse, or it was for me.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

Phil2
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Re: Leave the situation - ET

Post by Phil2 » Thu Oct 02, 2014 8:05 am

starting wrote:
The fact is, I cannot accept the situation, because I do not agree with the person and behavior because it hurt me so much…and Iam not able to change it…so what I am trying to do is to “leave the situation” and in this case it means to end contact with a friend (and also a distant relative).
Have you clearly identified what exactly hurts you in the behaviour of this person ? ... and then expressed it clearly and firmly, in a factual non-emotional way, to this person ? ... this is called 'communication' ...

My take is that trying to escape from a painful situation is a missed opportunity to learn and understand something on ourselves ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

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starting
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Re: Leave the situation - ET

Post by starting » Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:50 pm

dijmart wrote:If you can't leave or accept, then change it would be best I think. .
Hi dijmart,
I think limit contact will be the solution...maybe...I believe she will understand one day...
Phil2 wrote:Have you clearly identified what exactly hurts you in the behaviour of this person ? ... and then expressed it clearly and firmly, in a factual non-emotional way, to this person ? ... this is called 'communication' ...

My take is that trying to escape from a painful situation is a missed opportunity to learn and understand something on ourselves ...
Hi Phil
Yes I know what hurt me. When it happened, actually I was a little bit shocked and just observed with no actions. I was not able to react, I just listened, observed and said internally ok. When I got home, I thought ...why I was not able to talk about it? And I also thought about talking to this person about it later.
But then, I know, for me, now...it will not work anymore. Is more than just about what happened...I do not want contact. It does not make me feel good to be in contact with this person. It is about what I think is correct or wrong. Her actions are wrong according to what I "think" is wrong.
I do not want contact with someone with these kind of behavior. I do not want to judge, she can act the way she wants, but not with me. I do not have to agree with this kind of behavior, because it is not what I feel right.

What I am trying to understand is that what I am doing here?
Am I judging? Is this wrong? When you do not want a kind of behavior towards you, when you do not want to clarify things...you just do not want contact anymore. Is this wrong?

Because at the same time I am convinced I do not want this contact, I also have this unpleasant feeling.

thank you
“Your life is in transition from a caterpillar to a butterfly. Something may be saying: `Where is my leaf?’ Don't fear. Trust. All is well. How auspicious that Grace has picked you up like this. Hold this gratitude inside your heart” ~ Mooji

dijmart
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Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:35 pm

Re: Leave the situation - ET

Post by dijmart » Thu Oct 02, 2014 7:20 pm

starting wrote: Is this wrong?

Because at the same time I am convinced I do not want this contact, I also have this unpleasant feeling.
I don't think it's right or wrong, it's your life and you have to live with your decisions not anyone else. If the right decision for you is no contact, then so be it and vice versa. The unpleasant feeling may be that you're not sure that you want to go no contact and perhaps you shouldn't make any decision about it right now and let some time pass first. I think when we're hurt we think we have to make a decision right then and there to avoid the person hurting us in the future, but that's your mind trying to solve the problem now, so you don't have to think about it anymore. In truth, you don't have to make the decision "right now". Just my 2 cents.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

Phil2
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Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Leave the situation - ET

Post by Phil2 » Fri Oct 03, 2014 9:07 am

starting wrote: What I am trying to understand is that what I am doing here?
Am I judging? Is this wrong? When you do not want a kind of behavior towards you, when you do not want to clarify things...you just do not want contact anymore. Is this wrong?

Because at the same time I am convinced I do not want this contact, I also have this unpleasant feeling.
Nothing wrong, just in many cases we are 'forced' to frequently meet people we don't want (family members, boss, colleagues etc.), in this case when meeting those people cannot be 'avoided' it is preferable to clarify things and relationships ... on a factual basis rather than on an emotional basis ... which might not always be easy ... sometimes writing rather than face-to-face encounter might be easier ...

There is no reason to accept an unsatisfactory relationship without clarification.
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

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