Insecurity in romantic relationships

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Insecurity in romantic relationships

Postby 51sth » Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:37 pm

When the relationship type is different than romantic relationship I tend to have no problems about my security. At work I am pretty sure about myself and with my friends, but when it comes to romantic relationships I become insecure. If the other is more insecure or same as me, we tend to stay together, but if this differs much, someone is leaving. Usually me. This insecurity came last evening when my penpal, a girl whom I have been romantically involved about 9 months without even seeing her, didn't answer my earlier txt messages within two days. I started to feel that she doesn't care, but the reasons were different than I thought. I would love to stay loving, but I become needy and blind. This probably comes from my childhood from time when love needed to be earned. How can I solve the issue?
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Re: Insecurity in romantic relationships

Postby lmp » Sun Nov 23, 2014 6:16 pm

Your problem is (most likely, I should add) contained in the idea that she cares for you. Suffering is the playing around and the modification of the idea. The way she cares for you is the actuality, but your idea is a to an extent mixed with a bit of a fantasy or interpretation.

In one way it is simple to see the actual, but since we have a lot of imagination it's hard to tell what is what, so we suffer by imagining these things. What if she doesn't like me...and so we burden the other with proving or clarifying it.
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Re: Insecurity in romantic relationships

Postby Clouded » Sun Nov 23, 2014 6:51 pm

Maybe your problem is also connected to the expectations of a romantic relationship. You don't really expect too much of people who you have platonic relationships with and I don't think you would mind too much if a friend took longer than 2 days to reply to a text, you might just assume that they had other things to do or simply forgot to answer you and that didn't damage your friendship cause it's just a text. If she doesn't reply to you in the time frame that you feel comfortable with, then you might conclude that there's something wrong with you and that she doesn't like you anymore and is sending you "signals" to stop contacting her? If you have romantic feelings for someone, a recurring fear must be to lose that person's interest in you because it is an attack to the ego, I think. The mind can make up intense stories when the object of our desire is involved. I think you need a dose of self confidence if you are insecure.
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Re: Insecurity in romantic relationships

Postby Enlightened2B » Sun Nov 23, 2014 7:35 pm

I think Clouded nailed it. I've been the same way in the past. Very needy, and jealous in previous relationships because it satisfied the insecurities of my ego perspective.

Even if you are completely secure in your position in the relationship and the relationship is sailing smoothly, what happens when your partner decides out of the blue to cheat? Just because you are secure and not needy, is it still going to bother you on some level that your partner cheated on you? Chances are, yes, it will on some level. Why should that be though? If both of you are free to be as you please, then how could either of you possibly limit each other in who you or her/him want to date or not date? That's why monogamy is such a huge challenge. It's the play of unconditional love within the limited parameters of a monogamous relationship.

In my opinion, any needing and wanting in a relationship is a result of ego. It's not necessarily bad of course and can a romantic relationship exist without needing/wanting at all? I don't know. Maybe. But, I think many people make excuses for needing/wanting in their own monogamous relationships, not realizing that often, that needing/wanting is just the ego at play.

Instead, can you simply allow your partner to be as she is and let her be her own unique expression, while you do the same? You have to consider.....what is the worst possible scenario here? Let's hypothetically say that she wants nothing at all to do with you anymore and she completely doesn't care in the least about you and that's why she isn't responding. Are you still going to exist? Or will you disappear?

Explore the feelings/emotions that the relationship brings for you. Notice how you are reacting, instead of what she is doing. Relationships of all kinds are mirrors for us to see ourselves and expand and grow as a result of our own experience. Use relationships for their intended purpose as per conversations with God. Use relationships for the purpose of reflection....reflection of you in seeing how you are.....in relation to any and everything else on all levels of experiential exploration. Relationships are supposed to be a complement to what you already are. However, society has turned them into 'be all, end all'.

You are already whole and complete. You don't need the validation of your online partner to validate your nature as Unconditional Love/Being.
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Re: Insecurity in romantic relationships

Postby 51sth » Sun Nov 23, 2014 8:05 pm

Yes, thank you all. It has been a good reminder to read these things, but I can't see nothing which I don't agree with.

In the moment I have tried to focus my mind in the present moment and it helps, but the thoughts just keep coming after awhile and I can't seem to help it what those thoughts make me do. I would love to know how do I do this in the moment. I know I am unconditional love, but the experience of it seems conditional. I was also thinking that unconditional love should also point from me to me. So if I just can't handle something I can still love myself because that is unconditional love. And after the conflict I have felt "normal" and I have been able to come back loving and say and do things that I really am.

I'm not going to disappear if she doesn't belong in my life. And yes, I am interpreting her noncommunication in a way that she doesn't like me and I believe I know intellectually how to think but I seem not to get to that way of thinking in the middle of crisis. I also know that dying is not a bad thing, but still I fear it. Knowing isn't wisdom.. I believe wisdom comes through experience. How can I experience this one? Silly question :P
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Re: Insecurity in romantic relationships

Postby Enlightened2B » Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:54 pm

51sth wrote:Yes, thank you all. It has been a good reminder to read these things, but I can't see nothing which I don't agree with.

In the moment I have tried to focus my mind in the present moment and it helps, but the thoughts just keep coming after awhile and I can't seem to help it what those thoughts make me do. I would love to know how do I do this in the moment. I know I am unconditional love, but the experience of it seems conditional. I was also thinking that unconditional love should also point from me to me. So if I just can't handle something I can still love myself because that is unconditional love. And after the conflict I have felt "normal" and I have been able to come back loving and say and do things that I really am.

I'm not going to disappear if she doesn't belong in my life. And yes, I am interpreting her noncommunication in a way that she doesn't like me and I believe I know intellectually how to think but I seem not to get to that way of thinking in the middle of crisis. I also know that dying is not a bad thing, but still I fear it. Knowing isn't wisdom.. I believe wisdom comes through experience. How can I experience this one? Silly question :P


Why do you fear death? Do you fear the experience of disappearing at the time of death? Or do you fear the dying process? Two vastly different things. Find out which one you are referring to.

Aside from that.......Allow, allow, allow. :D

Embrace it all. Embrace those feelings of insecurity. Allow them to be there lovingly. You've noticed the insecurity which is a start, but you're resisting it. It's obvious because I've done the exact same thing as you in the past with relationships, so I know the boat you're in. It's part of our conditioning. I realize I'm needy, and insecure, but how do I not be needy and insecure....is what you are essentially asking.

Stop resisting those thoughts and feelings and simply embrace them as part of your experience. I know it's redundant, but that's the only approach. It's not about not feeling a certain way or thinking certain thoughts. It's about the awakening that you are not merely limited to any of those things individually. Allow all that comes to be exactly as it is. When you really do this, and I mean really, you can start to notice how you are not actually limited to this ego perspective that is insecure, but you are existence itself. You are Being. You are Unconditional Love. Not just saying it, but actually experiencing it. The happiness and the fear are all part of you. The sickness and in health are all part of you. It's truly enlightening to acknowledge this. You are Reality, the Present Moment, Being itself. You are also the ego perspective when your mind conceptually puts limits on Being and that's perfectly ok also! You can do no wrong!

When you see that the insecurities you are enduring are merely stemming from a limited perspective, you can really start to approach romantic relationships differently. Realizing that it doesn't matter what the other is doing or thinking or saying. You are merely Love for that person in relation to you. And if it doesn't work out......there are gazillions of other girls out there.

Meditation/self inquiry are great tools....meditation especially. This has been my personal experience. Perhaps, others can provide you with theirs.

Understand that all is good from the greater perspective of Love 51st, even the limited feelings of insecurity and anxiety you are enduring. Hang in there :D
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Re: Insecurity in romantic relationships

Postby 51sth » Tue Nov 25, 2014 6:12 pm

Enlightened2B wrote:
51sth wrote:Yes, thank you all. It has been a good reminder to read these things, but I can't see nothing which I don't agree with.

In the moment I have tried to focus my mind in the present moment and it helps, but the thoughts just keep coming after awhile and I can't seem to help it what those thoughts make me do. I would love to know how do I do this in the moment. I know I am unconditional love, but the experience of it seems conditional. I was also thinking that unconditional love should also point from me to me. So if I just can't handle something I can still love myself because that is unconditional love. And after the conflict I have felt "normal" and I have been able to come back loving and say and do things that I really am.

I'm not going to disappear if she doesn't belong in my life. And yes, I am interpreting her noncommunication in a way that she doesn't like me and I believe I know intellectually how to think but I seem not to get to that way of thinking in the middle of crisis. I also know that dying is not a bad thing, but still I fear it. Knowing isn't wisdom.. I believe wisdom comes through experience. How can I experience this one? Silly question :P


Why do you fear death? Do you fear the experience of disappearing at the time of death? Or do you fear the dying process? Two vastly different things. Find out which one you are referring to.

Aside from that.......Allow, allow, allow. :D

Embrace it all. Embrace those feelings of insecurity. Allow them to be there lovingly. You've noticed the insecurity which is a start, but you're resisting it. It's obvious because I've done the exact same thing as you in the past with relationships, so I know the boat you're in. It's part of our conditioning. I realize I'm needy, and insecure, but how do I not be needy and insecure....is what you are essentially asking.

Stop resisting those thoughts and feelings and simply embrace them as part of your experience. I know it's redundant, but that's the only approach. It's not about not feeling a certain way or thinking certain thoughts. It's about the awakening that you are not merely limited to any of those things individually. Allow all that comes to be exactly as it is. When you really do this, and I mean really, you can start to notice how you are not actually limited to this ego perspective that is insecure, but you are existence itself. You are Being. You are Unconditional Love. Not just saying it, but actually experiencing it. The happiness and the fear are all part of you. The sickness and in health are all part of you. It's truly enlightening to acknowledge this. You are Reality, the Present Moment, Being itself. You are also the ego perspective when your mind conceptually puts limits on Being and that's perfectly ok also! You can do no wrong!

When you see that the insecurities you are enduring are merely stemming from a limited perspective, you can really start to approach romantic relationships differently. Realizing that it doesn't matter what the other is doing or thinking or saying. You are merely Love for that person in relation to you. And if it doesn't work out......there are gazillions of other girls out there.

Meditation/self inquiry are great tools....meditation especially. This has been my personal experience. Perhaps, others can provide you with theirs.

Understand that all is good from the greater perspective of Love 51st, even the limited feelings of insecurity and anxiety you are enduring. Hang in there :D


Well infact I don't fear death, because now I don't. Even painful death seems not to frighten me because I see pain as just as it is. I've experienced pain without suffering and it just is what it is. I just didn't think of a better example :P. I see life truly is eternal, but to the point..

Your post was amazing! Thank you so much it reminded me of me :). Gotta love you for it! I am love, but I haven't been loving towards myself. The perspective that my helplessness is just a small part of what I am was relief.

I went home today and it has been now couple of days that I have been totally cut out of the things that this one girl is thinking. I realized that I am not loving myself when I don't say the things I want because I believed that I need to be something else. It caused anger inside of me and the anger frightened me because I thought that it would come out unwisely. I am not perfect in a way what I think I should be, I am much more! So I let the anger come out of me and told everything that was bothering me and that I believe that things can be solved. I felt really good. She dumped me. And I felt even better :) (no sarcasm here). I am so relieved to understand that I should be just the way I am and breakup isn't wrong, it is a learning process about myself, it gives me so much. It is interesting to notice that this is second break up within a year that I feel good immediately after. I now know that I love all those stupid little fuckheads ;), but I just can't stand em ;D. It is also pretty clear to me that people behave differently and I think I know much better now what kind of partner would be good to me and me to her. Anyways I have decided to be alone at least for awhile, because I love my being now the way it is and want to rejoice it. Everything comes when it comes and I shouldn't resist it. I don't know what is coming and that is life at its best :).

I love my impatience for the first time in my life, because it did so much good to me :).
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Re: Insecurity in romantic relationships

Postby Enlightened2B » Tue Nov 25, 2014 10:28 pm

51sth wrote:
Well infact I don't fear death, because now I don't. Even painful death seems not to frighten me because I see pain as just as it is. I've experienced pain without suffering and it just is what it is. I just didn't think of a better example :P. I see life truly is eternal, but to the point..

Your post was amazing! Thank you so much it reminded me of me :). Gotta love you for it! I am love, but I haven't been loving towards myself. The perspective that my helplessness is just a small part of what I am was relief.

I went home today and it has been now couple of days that I have been totally cut out of the things that this one girl is thinking. I realized that I am not loving myself when I don't say the things I want because I believed that I need to be something else. It caused anger inside of me and the anger frightened me because I thought that it would come out unwisely. I am not perfect in a way what I think I should be, I am much more! So I let the anger come out of me and told everything that was bothering me and that I believe that things can be solved. I felt really good. She dumped me. And I felt even better :) (no sarcasm here). I am so relieved to understand that I should be just the way I am and breakup isn't wrong, it is a learning process about myself, it gives me so much. It is interesting to notice that this is second break up within a year that I feel good immediately after. I now know that I love all those stupid little fuckheads ;), but I just can't stand em ;D. It is also pretty clear to me that people behave differently and I think I know much better now what kind of partner would be good to me and me to her. Anyways I have decided to be alone at least for awhile, because I love my being now the way it is and want to rejoice it. Everything comes when it comes and I shouldn't resist it. I don't know what is coming and that is life at its best :).

I love my impatience for the first time in my life, because it did so much good to me :).


That part above in bold is as (as Jen would say) yum, yum, yum. So, wonderful to read that because it's a very similar realization that I've had myself recently.

Honesty is the highest form of Love. When you're open and honest about your experience like you are right here above in your post, you can't second guess anything. We can only second guess ourselves when we limit ourselves into a conceptual idea we believe we have to be in order to attain love from someone else which is called neediness. That's why neediness is so unnecessary in relationships.

I'm so glad to read your post and it sounds like something really clicked for you. Awesome.
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