How can I find peace?

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How can I find peace?

Postby missingmymama » Thu Dec 18, 2014 8:16 am

My most beloved 56 year old mother passed away from lung cancer 10 months ago, she never smoked. I read of "surrendering to the present moment" and accepting life and death as they are. I don't know how to achieve any sense of peace from my mother being dead. I realize that everyone dies at some point, but some died too young and my mother suffered so much at the end of her life, I dont understand how it is possible to come to term with that or to accept it. I am in so much pain and the present moment is where i have nobody, but myself. My mother is my only family, and NOW is just a miserable existence. I miss her so much.
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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby Webwanderer » Thu Dec 18, 2014 3:28 pm

Your mother is free now. No pain, no suffering, just radiant joyful life eternal. She lives in the realm of whence she came - the greater reality - where one day you will be reunited. While you may not see her, you may 'feel' her if you can get quiet enough and feel more of your love for her rather than the pain for yourself. I know you appreciate the time you had with her and the love you felt. Return to that feeling of appreciation. Return to that feeling of love. Would she not want that for you? Would she want you to remain in such pain? What would she tell you?

I suggest you begin a study of near death experiences. IANDS and NDERF are two excellent resources to make a study. Understanding that your mother is not gone, but has returned home; and also acknowledging that this human life is only a temporary and limited adventure is immensely helpful in regaining your sense of peace and your path back to appreciation for life. You will be together again. (You're not really apart now except for your belief in separation and pain.) Her love is alive. Give her the gift of re-engaging in a life of love and joy. You know she would want that for you.

WW
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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby end » Thu Dec 18, 2014 8:03 pm

Webwanderer wrote:Your mother is free now. No pain, no suffering, just radiant joyful life eternal. She lives in the realm of whence she came - the greater reality - where one day you will be reunited. While you may not see her, you may 'feel' her if you can get quiet enough and feel more of your love for her rather than the pain for yourself. I know you appreciate the time you had with her and the love you felt. Return to that feeling of appreciation. Return to that feeling of love. Would she not want that for you? Would she want you to remain in such pain? What would she tell you?

I suggest you begin a study of near death experiences. IANDS and NDERF are two excellent resources to make a study. Understanding that your mother is not gone, but has returned home; and also acknowledging that this human life is only a temporary and limited adventure is immensely helpful in regaining your sense of peace and your path back to appreciation for life. You will be together again. (You're not really apart now except for your belief in separation and pain.) Her love is alive. Give her the gift of re-engaging in a life of love and joy. You know she would want that for you.

WW

Thank you WW! This is not my topic, but I am in similar situation and never heard words like these before, thank you!
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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby KathleenBrugger » Thu Dec 18, 2014 8:47 pm

My husband's beloved mother passed away when she was 83 and my husband was 58, so quite a bit older than you. And he grieved deeply for over a year. Many cultures have a ceremony marking the one-year anniversary of a death, in recognition that the healing process takes time.

Understanding suffering is very difficult. Why does anyone have to suffer? Just recently I have read about the word the Buddha used in his 4 Noble Truths that is usually translated as "suffering" (dukkha). The author said the word is better translated as "unsatisfactoriness." We want life to go according to a script that, to us, would be a good life. We want to live long, happy, fulfilling, wealthy, (insert your ideas here) lives and when that doesn't happen we see the results as unsatisfactory. So we suffer. Peace is only achievable, imo, in the place of acceptance, and that means allowing reality to be the way it is and the way it is not. And acceptance, unfortunately, can be a very hard thing to achieve.

WW gave a beautiful way of perceiving what has happened to your mother. I wrote a book 20 years ago called The Game of God that offers a way of looking at why suffering exists. We just updated the book and there's a thread on this forum where you can read about it: viewtopic.php?f=27&t=13022
I'm not trying to sell you a book, you should be able to grasp the basic points from the forum thread.

I think reaching out to others is a good step. Are there support groups in your area for people who have lost a loved one? I just googled "grief meet up" and a lot of groups came up.
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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby smiileyjen101 » Thu Dec 18, 2014 11:58 pm

I don't know how to achieve any sense of peace from my mother being dead. I realize that everyone dies at some point, but some died too young and my mother suffered so much at the end of her life, I dont understand how it is possible to come to term with that or to accept it


No one is suggesting that you rejoice in it mmm - or maybe you don't achieve peace ''from her being dead' but in spite of her being dead. It is what it is, for so long as you resist and argue with it, you will feel the agitation of resistance.

The pain you are feeling is not from the fact of a loved one (actually) passing, but from all your thoughts around that creating a sense of it not being 'right' and feeling angry from wanting to argue with it, disappointed from it not being what you expected, or being what you didn't expect because our mind tells us a story that makes us feel safe and coddled - but it's not real - it's not the truth. The truth is life happens, death happens and our suffering is in resisting that.

- such as.... "some died too young" - how young is too young? Is there some rule of measure for this wherein the universe says "no, sorry folks, this one's too young - they can't die" ... or is it a perception, a perspective to 'argue' with what is?

and "my mother suffered so much at the end of her life" I am sorry to hear that, lung cancer is a terrible disease on the body. The pain around this - because as Webby said she is not suffering now - is again a notion of the illusion that 'my mum' 'shouldn't suffer' ... heck, that no one 'should suffer' physically from disease. But, is this real? As in physical disease is a reality in a physical body, so is it real, is it honest to tell ourself that someone should not suffer from it?

I don't see how it is really possible to demand something like that, it's certainly out of my pay scale - so 1) she is not suffering now, 2) you cannot change the reality that she physically suffered ---- and 3) it is your thinking about it that is creating your suffering now.

Can you change that - your suffering - only to a degree. The pain of loss will well up. When it does it is only when we accept it - rather than push it away or make false claims like the ones above, that we can reconcile - come to terms with, sit with in peace not beating ourselves or the world or the image of our loved one up for not being what we would have it/them be

- peace with what truly is.

Your mother's love doesn't die it is written into the fabric of eternity. The nuts and bolts of our 'expectations' ... this should.... this should not.... they come and go, they are not based in eternal truth.

It's kind of when we realise that we are not actually CEO of the universe and all that occurs in it, that we ironically find strength in the truth, and courage in the acceptance, and see the wonder and beauty in how it really is, rather than arguing with it.

Identify the 'should' and 'should not' ideas, and you'll find the culprits of your sense of suffering.

And don't then 'expect' it all to be fine and rosy, it won't be. These things will bubble up to the surface many many times and for many many years - it's more that we become familiar with them - oh, it's you (this disappointment or this expectation arising) again.

These expectations and beliefs that we didn't even realise we had will surface as things touch us and remind us - eg: it's the holidays - I 'shouldn't' have to spend them without my loved one - they 'should be here' ...

Your mother's life was as long or as short as it was, filled with precious moments and experiences - as is yours.
We choose what we put into those moments not by directing 'what is' but by responding in gratitude and generosity to 'what is' - rather than arguing or fighting that what is, should not be, and what is not, should be - of course we are going to feel weak, overwhelmed, impotent and scared.

I wonder how your Mom journeyed when her Mom died, and her Mom before her, and her's etc etc etc.

It's helpful for me to understand that love - is the equilibrium of gratitude and generosity - when we are in harmony, at peace, it is when we are in balance between and with gratitude and generosity - I'm sure you can think of your mum with gratitude and with generosity, and remember when she was that with you.

Mom's are precious, every life is - gratitude says thank you for being, and generosity says, I will not create suffering in your name, I realise that all my suffering is in my perceiving of my loss, because my love was so great.


Elisabeth Kubler Ross books On Death & Dying and On Grief & Grieving, and all the others, are wonderful to explain the grief journey - we fear more that which we do not understand.

Namaste
Last edited by smiileyjen101 on Fri Dec 19, 2014 12:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby Webwanderer » Fri Dec 19, 2014 12:16 am

Thank you WW! This is not my topic, but I am in similar situation and never heard words like these before, thank you![/quote]

They ring true because you feel them to be so. It's your own inner connection that you feel. Trust it. :D

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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby missingmymama » Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:19 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:

I wonder how your Mom journeyed when her Mom died, and her Mom before her, and her's etc etc etc.





Thank you for your post, it is very thoughtful..but thats just it, my mother's mother is still alive so it is extra sad. I also know I wont have any children of my own, so I feel all alone. I know I have to accept it, my mother wouldn't want me to suffer more pain from her death. I guess i have always been overly attached to my mother, and now that the form is gone, there is this huge gaping hole and all i can do is cry and panic every day because of the emptiness.
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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby missingmymama » Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:21 am

Webwanderer wrote:Your mother is free now. No pain, no suffering, just radiant joyful life eternal. She lives in the realm of whence she came - the greater reality - where one day you will be reunited. While you may not see her, you may 'feel' her if you can get quiet enough and feel more of your love for her rather than the pain for yourself. I know you appreciate the time you had with her and the love you felt. Return to that feeling of appreciation. Return to that feeling of love. Would she not want that for you? Would she want you to remain in such pain? What would she tell you?

I suggest you begin a study of near death experiences. IANDS and NDERF are two excellent resources to make a study. Understanding that your mother is not gone, but has returned home; and also acknowledging that this human life is only a temporary and limited adventure is immensely helpful in regaining your sense of peace and your path back to appreciation for life. You will be together again. (You're not really apart now except for your belief in separation and pain.) Her love is alive. Give her the gift of re-engaging in a life of love and joy. You know she would want that for you.

WW


Thats really beautiful. I truly wish and hope she still exists, even though I do not know what the essence looks like..she truly deserves peace and happiness..I just can't help but feel self pity and pain for myself because I needed her for so much still...
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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:07 am

I guess i have always been overly attached to my mother, and now that the form is gone, there is this huge gaping hole and all i can do is cry and panic every day because of the emptiness.

In honesty, (and with more compassion than my words will probably convey - honesty is the highest form of love) - that's not true either. That's not all that you 'can' do or all that you are doing - you reached out here and you are relating with us.

Therefore, you are not 'alone', you are just hurting, understandably in sorrow and trying to sort out the mess of emotions and thoughts that are arising.

but thats just it, my mother's mother is still alive so it is extra sad.

Don't tell grandma that that's sad :wink: sorry, I understand what you mean, but again it is a falsity that people cling to in ignorance or in avoidance of the reality that the longevity of a life has no 'order' in generational lineage - without your grandma living there would have been no mama, without mama, no you - but in death there is no such practical or theoretical truth to the notion that there is any generational 'order' to be adhered to.
So the notions that someone died 'too young' or shouldn't have gone before another, it's just not true.

What it does tell me though, is that you have not had the experience of watching your mother adapt to the grief of losing her mother, we learn far more from our parents than we realise. So you have no role model or example to understand if your emotions and thoughts are 'okay', I can only tell you whatever it is in this moment - is 'okay' if that's tears and sadness, or remembering something joyful and smiling or laughing, or reminiscing gently, or raging in anger at the universe, it's all 'okay' - just don't hold any of it to you as if they are more than passing thoughts and emotions.

To be fully generous and grateful for the tears that fall from our eyes in acknowledgement of our sorrow - that is okay, to be fully generous and grateful for the moments of peace or reflection, that is okay, to notice arising anger - which in its purety is just saying 'no thank you' to elements of your experience, that too is okay.

If honesty is the highest form of love, and love lights up our lives, shining love on such thoughts and statements through honesty one could ask of thoughts that are creating anything other than gratitude & generosity or peace in a moment, those ones that are sticking around and making us define our selves or our life - when sorrow turns into us defining that our entire existence can hold nothing but sorrow, reminiscing too often into the past with no appreciation of the present and no peeking into the future knowing that we will not always feel as we do in this moment, or anger that is held and fuelled into rage, resentment, revenge, retribution looking for someone or something to punish for this experience in pain.

I also noticed, just quickly that you felt that you needed to clarify that your mama didn't smoke - was the inference being that she didn't 'deserve' the experience of lung cancer --- the stats on lung cancer are guides only, but I can appreciate that you feel the need to explain so that others do not 'blame' or judge her in her life and death.

Your mama essence is not and cannot be harmed or tainted by anyone else's judgement of her. For you to worry about that would only cause you unnecessary angst.

For any thinking that is causing us angst... you can ask and answer honestly to your self -
is this true? (universally - not just in opinion)
is this kind? (to you and others)
is this helpful? (does it serve you and others)

If the answer is not yes, yes, yes - let it go, it does not serve you.

As you realise there are some things you can change, and there are some things you cannot change. Being honest about the difference is also an act of love.

I mentioned Elisabeth Kubler Ross earlier, she said when these emotions arise treat them like a visitor knocking on your door, open the door - oh, it's you (or you again), let them in only long enough to let them express them self and tell you what it is there are there to share with you, don't set a place at your table for them, don't hold onto them to make them stay, listen in love - in honesty - in gratitude & in generosity - and when you have heard what it is they are telling you, then show them to the door again.

So you might cry when sadness knocks at your door, when your tears are exhausted (for this time) let the sorrow go. You might feel helpless or alone in a moment, when that moment which is really a sigh - moment of noticing missing your mama, as the sigh fades and passes let the associated thoughts go.

Breathe out and let the new breath come in.

One could, and some do, make a lifetime decision to define them self by such events and limit their own life by doing so. I can't be happy, my mama died, I can't be a friend to anyone, my mama died and I'm all alone, I can't see the beauty in the sun rise or the stars in the night sky or in the warmth of a breeze against my skin, or in doing a kindness for another, or for myself I can only feel self pity and pain ... my mama died.

No choice is wrong, it just brings a different experience.

Defining oneself by their experiences is different to acknowledging an emotion or thought arising in this moment - in this moment I'm feeling / noticing / thinking ... , in the next moment there may be a different experience occurring. Our lives are the sum total of all of those moments, breathing in and breathing out, not just one long continuous breath all the same defining our life behind us or in front of us, we only live in awareness in this moment.

I just can't help but feel self pity and pain for myself because I needed her for so much still...

Is this true?
Is this kind?
Is this helpful?

What is that feeling of self pity and pain trying to tell you?

I also know I wont have any children of my own, so I feel all alone.

You can choose to feel all alone and attribute those reasons to doing so, you don't have to though, not having children of your own does not necessarily create the feeling of being all alone - that's an interpretation of it.

You're relating with us, and I'm sure relating with others.
You can only feel 'all alone' if you are holding yourself apart from others and from life itself, in belief that you are 'all alone' because your mama has died.
Is this true?
Is this kind?
Is this helpful?

I don't know what sort of a mama your mama was, you said she wouldn't want you to suffer from her death, you can either honour her, or choose not to.

The experience either way will not be hers, it will be yours.

I do send loving thoughts - I can be a bit of a 'tough mama' at times when it comes to being honest to self and others, but I do not mean it unkindly or insensitively. I wish you to find that peace within you, even amid the turmoil of emotions and thoughts swirling around you.

What would your mama say to you?
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Re: How can I find peace?

Postby Phil2 » Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:51 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:
I also know I wont have any children of my own, so I feel all alone.

You can choose to feel all alone and attribute those reasons to doing so, you don't have to though, not having children of your own does not necessarily create the feeling of being all alone - that's an interpretation of it.



Yes Jen, correct, we live in a society that conditions us to believe that we 'possess' children ... but this is mainly an illusion, children do not belong to their parents ... they belong to themselves ... and parents undue 'possessivity' often (not to say 'always') leads to many disorders and conflicts between parents and children (Clouded would not deny this ...)

This reminds me of a well-known religious personality here in Belgium (now deceased at the age of 100 years) called 'Soeur Emmanuelle' (Sister Emmanuelle) who is often compared to Mother Teresa, she dedicated her whole life to the trash collectors in Cairo, Egypt, and decided to live among them.

When she was asked if she did not regret not having children, she said (from memory) "Why would I regret that, I have had 50.000 children in my life" ...

When you dedicate yourself to others and care for them, they all become your 'children' ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
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