
I am still under 20 yes. I can't help it though. I feel so desperate to understand the world but over and over again it's like I always just end up back in this place... There have been times where things seemed to be going okay but then it's like suddenly my entire reality just starts crashing all of a sudden.
I overthink things. I definitely overthink EVERYTHING.
Trying to find the point in the present moment when all I can really notice are observations of internal thoughts and external things.
Trying to find a code to live by in which I can base my decisions.
Trying to find a reason for doing something but suddenly it's like all of a sudden theres a conflict in beliefs.
Trying to understand free will and trying to understand determinism.
Trying to figure out whether maybe this is all just mumbo jumbo and I should live for the future again.
Trying to figure out how to not make my life some sort of means to an end.
Trying to figure out whether some ends justify the means.
Trying to figure out what it is that people want when all I can find is "happiness".
Trying to understand what the point is in happiness.
Trying to figure out what causes depression.
Trying to figure out what the point in life but all I can find are subjective answers... Happiness, helping others, living according to god...
Trying to understand what truth is but suddenly it's like I can't even trust my own observations because there are things beyond my ability to observe. Just as there are things beyond my ability to understand.
Trying to understand whether I'm really even depressed or whether this is just a story in my head that I'm making up again.
Trying to figure out what it is that I want.
Trying to answer the question why not and not being able to find an answer.
Trying to answer the question why and STILL not being able to find an answer.
Trying to understanding how to create permanent change but I can't figure it out.
Trying to understand whether this depression i'm feeling is just a a chemical inbalance in my brain.
Trying to figure out how to reach flow.
Trying to figure out how I should interact with people.
There is just so little I understand about this world and so little I even understand about the self...
There are very few people who I can speak to of these things because they just don't understand... The only one who somewhat understands and does his best to help me is my uncle. I became a born again christian yesterday but now I'm having even more inner conflict because I cannot observe right and wrong as anything but a label of the mind. I have these thoughts and my uncle tells me that it's the devil implanting these thoughts in my head. He tells me to read the bible and that it is the absolute truth but I just cannot comprehend these things... If I'm to live according to god then I'll receive eternal life. I don't even see the point in life now. How could I possibly see the point in life eternally? I would definitely much rather go to heaven than I would go to hell however so I live according to his will because I simply don't know any better... I do my best to believe in him and live according to his will but for some reason I still feel so empty and sad...
Meanwhile with all of this going on inside of me I have to keep up with the expectations of society and family. I have to get good grades, get a job, find a wife... etc.
It's like whenever the external things fall into place the internal falls out of place and then the externals fall away again right after.

Well... I guess I'm done ranting. Sorry to put this on you guys.