Could someone explain this "love" pattern to me?

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Could someone explain this "love" pattern to me?

Postby Loggoyl » Sun Feb 08, 2015 8:31 pm

Good evening !

My mind and my ego have been following some kind of pattern I have trouble understanding. It had had two stages: One before being conscious and the one after. Now only stage II subsists after a bit of awakening.


1) I find some person which I "fall in love with", e.g. I notice that I want to be with a person and interpret it as love.
2) I do everything to be with that person in a needy way, also investing a lot, more about that later on.
3) It never has been reciprocated and does not work.
4) I'm hearth broken and I feel bad, and there comes a very strong pattern of I don't wanna live anymore although I know on a deep level I wanna live on and be happy this pattern arrises a lot of pain inside me.

The next pattern: After reading eckhart tolle I realized my ego just wanted some egoistic possession of other people to build a sense of identity based of them. Well after this the pattern looks more like that :

1) I find someone i'm heavily attracted to, like the old being in love, which I just randomly realize, which would be fine, if not :

2) I go crazy about it. My consciousness is lowered and I go in some form of conquest mode, where I can't be myself...Meaning my consciousness is even more badly altered? I'm not a life I'm acting through something else. I don't enjoy the moment, it's a constant pressure and struggle to be with that person...well because my mind/ego ( I don't wanna say I ) likes her a lot. I do things I wouldn't do while feeling good. It's like some form of prison or pain body acting out. I have no idea.

3) When It fails I try not to resist it by not resisting to it but It fails because the pain is deep and well the same pattern of... If I cannot have what I WANT there is no point in living! I don't wanna live anymore !


I really suffer a lot from this pattern and wanna get rid of it. Speaking of it helped a bit but I wanna bring awareness into it to never fall in it again, any signpost to the dark room would be appreciated. I'm sure I'm aware enough to bring light to it.

Thanks you :)
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Re: Could someone explain this "love" pattern to me?

Postby tomtom1 » Mon Feb 09, 2015 8:15 pm

One before being conscious and the one after. Now only stage II subsists after a bit of awakening.


Must have been weird living and not being concious? :D :lol: sorry I couldn't resist that :wink:

In all seriousness I used to have the same problem. Eventually I worked out what was going on. It all stemmed from this thought/belief that I NEEDED someone to complete me. That I was somehow inferior if I couldn't get a girlfriend. That's where it all came from. So if anyone showed me any interest or I liked someone then I would go really keen and over the top. Ie behaving in a desperate way. Of course this actually puts people off A LOT!

What helped me was:

1. Examine the belief that I needed someone to love me to be complete. This was very very very persistent in me. I kept thinking I had dealt with it but it kept coming back in a different way.
2. Understanding that there is someone for everyone. It's not about you being not good enough. If it doesn't work with someone then it's not meant to be.
3. Understand that when you believe you need someone, you project a sense of desperation. You also try to behave in ways which are not really you to please them. So even if you do manage to 'persuade' this person to date you then chances are it won't work as it started on false pretences. When you do meet the right person you want them to fall in love with You not some persona you are trying to project to impress them.
4. Have faith that every failure is just paving the way for exactly what you need to evolve.

No.1 is most important.

When I started to get a grip on these things and no longer cared, I actually got a girlfriend! And amazingly it was someone I had known and been great friends with for ages!
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Re: Could someone explain this "love" pattern to me?

Postby epiphany55 » Tue Feb 10, 2015 1:38 am

I often hear people say that they found a partner when they "stopped looking". Now, I don't know why this would be the case as it seems the opposite would be true. But I am one of those people who stopped looking and, lo and behold, found a partner. My girlfriend had also stopped looking. We found each other by not looking for each other. The universe works in mysterious ways! So I can't help but give that advice - call off the search.

I agree with tomtom. You are a whole person. You don't need anyone to complete you. I always cringe when people talk about their partner as their "other half" or "better half" and song lyrics like "I need you" and "I'm lost without you". Dependency is the ugly side of love, because it can create paranoia, tension and anxiety over losing them, which happens a lot.
Thought is the object, not the essence, of consciousness.
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Re: Could someone explain this "love" pattern to me?

Postby Loggoyl » Mon Feb 23, 2015 2:16 pm

Thank you very much for your feedback guys.

Well I was unaware I was consciousness. Recently after meditating it hit me deeply, I actually can "feel" it, like it's not possible to describe, but the signpost I am consciousness itself should somehow be relatable :P (By the way, insight meditations are the shit).

I will work on emotional release and diminishing my pain body and will for sure after some work overcome the egoistic needs.
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Re: Could someone explain this "love" pattern to me?

Postby DavidB » Tue Feb 24, 2015 12:20 am

I can relate to this story Loggoyl. I had the same problem many years ago.

I gave up trying in the end, I accepted that it was ok to be single, and that was when I met my current partner, and we have been together now for 15 years. So there does seem to be some truth to it, that when you stop looking, that's when you meet someone. But I think this has much more to with acceptance.

Eckhart mentions in one of his talks, that being human is almost like being only one half human, as a male and a female are only each one half of the equation. So there exists in each human, an innate longing to be whole, to be in some relationship that will fulfill that feeling of incompleteness. And to some extent, a relationship can fill this need, however, relationships always bring with them pain bodies. A pain body can sabotage even a strong relationship if there is not also in that relationship, some maturity and presence.

What you feel is this inherent feeling of incompleteness. What you need to realize though, is that this inherent feeling is not personal, it is part of the human organism. Simply become conscious of that feeling, know that it is there but not personal, and allow it to be without criticism or judgment.

There is also inherent in human beings, a feeling of loneliness. This loneliness comes from the feeling of separation from the rest of humanity and the universe. We feel alone in our bodies, nobody experiences our perspective but us. But we are not really alone, we all experience this and are all the same in this regard.

So what you feel is this inherent nature of incompleteness and loneliness. Simply know that these things are motivating you to be dysfunctional at the moment, causing an irrational sense of desperation. And also know, that even in a relationship, even a long term relationship, these feelings can remain. After 15 years in a relationship, I still feel this incompleteness and loneliness sometimes, but not often. I simply become aware that it is there, know what it is, accept it, and be at peace.

So what you really need is to be at peace with these feelings, and then when someone does come along, you will be much more readily available, without that sense of desperation, and therefore much more attractive.
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: Could someone explain this "love" pattern to me?

Postby Laza11 » Fri Feb 27, 2015 3:44 pm

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Re: Could someone explain this "love" pattern to me?

Postby Enlightened2B » Sat Feb 28, 2015 8:52 pm

Although, I could be very wrong, looks a lot like a spam alert ^^^

Guess you gotta promote your business anyway you can :)
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