I'm certainly not a nutritionist, but I can't help thinking that maybe you have a nutritional deficiency? This has happened to me before and when I changed my diet, I felt 100% better. It's worth investigating, trust me. You'll be surprised just how vital it is to have adequate nutrition and how it can affect mental well being.
As for depression, I've had severe depression in the past so I know what that is like. I came to realize that depression isn't always necessarily a negative thing. We oscillate over time and sometimes we dip down too low for whatever reason. I accept these lower periods as the body telling me to slow down and take it easy for a while. It can make life difficult as it isn't always convenient to be depressed. But so long as I'm depressed I might as well accept it and allow it to run it's course. At the bottom of depression I can nearly always detect a certain level of sadness. This sadness is usually associated with disappointment or unfulfilled expectations.
The sadness itself is actually quite beautiful though, I often see sadness as the opposite of joy, yet still beautiful in its own right.
Depression can be nutritional as I mentioned already, but it can also be triggered through disappointment in the world and the universe not fulfilling expectations.
I hope this is helpful and I do trust that you will recover and once again experience the joy that comes from living consciously.
The nutritional deficiency may very well be a problem. I can say without a doubt that my family eats out to much. When they don't eat out they bring some type of fast food which is also bad. Regardless of that I do generally drink about a half a gallon to a gallon of water a day.
They just recently stopped going out for food this week. However, even with normal food I have a tendency to throw it up. I'm going to the doctors today to find out whether this can have some sort of physical basis and it isn't just a side effect of the depression/medication.
alex wrote:Who knows why depression comes a knocking and who knows when it will pack it's bags and leave? All you know is that it's here and I would trust that it's here for a reason.
I like Jeff Foster's take on it - depressed / 'deep rest'.
It can be a calling to slow right down. To sink into this exhaustion and embrace being at the 'end of your tether'.
You are here and it's ok to be a little broken.
If anything at least I know that if I manage to get out of this one I will have grown a bit more.
My suggestion is that the first thing to do is stop writing lists detailing your perceived debilitating symptoms. I read this and was stunned at the obviousness of where you are focusing your attention. It's unlikely that you will overcome depression while living in the itemization of the issues that trouble you. If you want a better life focus on the things that make it better.
-Loss of joy in daily activities. Look actively for any small thing that helps you feel better. Find just one - a tasty meal for example - appreciate it (genuinely, not lip service), then find another, and another, and another. Fill you day with little incidences of appreciation. Appreciation feels good. Do more of it - then some more.
- Feelings of dread when waking up. Recognize that every day is ripe with possibilities. They don't have to be huge, although there is no reason to exclude anything. Just possibilities to find some fun and enjoyment. It is possible, isn't it? Acknowledge it. And then be ready to enjoy any little thing that comes your way. There's no litmus test of success or failure in this. Just opportunity that comes with each new day.
Now take every item on this self destructive list and reword it in a way that works for your life inprovement (as I did with the first two) instead of the pain identification that you have written. Write it in this forum. Take steps to recreate you own life experience. You will get nothing from this forum besides pointers and encouragement. Some of it quite useful if you employ it. But is is up to you to act. Start now. I look forward to what you can do to change list in your favor.
- Loss of joy in daily activities - I talked to a friend today when I first got to school for about 10 minutes. I enjoyed talking to her. A few days ago I went to the park and I witnessed a group of 10-15 kids playing together. I layed down in the grass and I just sat down in between trees. I also visited another friend a few days ago for about two hours. I enjoyed there company.
- Feelings of dread when waking up - I know that I didn't always used to be this way. I remember a time in my life in which waking up led to feelings of excitement and joy. I wake up in a warm bed and a warm blanket in a beautiful house.
Low confidence in my ability to complete tasks - I've completed many tasks before. I worked for a summer full time which was my first job. I've read at least a hundred books. I completed my SAT's with an average score. I completed my high school exit exam. I succeeded in building a website. I succeeded in building a decent sized youtube channel when I was 12 or 13. I succeeded in building an email list of about 1000 people. I taught myself how to play guitar. I taught myself audio engineering even if I'm still not that good at it. I taught myself how to write music notation. I taught myself music theory. I taught myself how to hear music in numbers. I was learning how to play basketball at a point. I was able to learn a 1hour setlist and play it with people that I have never met before without only 30 minutes of rehearsal beforehand. I learned basic photoshop and taught myself personal finance...
- Wanting to sleep to much - I'm at my school right now writing this post and I don't want to sleep. Maybe when I'm at home laying on my bed I want to sleep because it's so comfortable.
- Social Isolation - I'm not isolated. I've got my entire family. My mother, stepfather , father, stepmother, sisters, grandparents, and a wonderful. I have 2 friends who I talked to over the weekend and another friend who I happen to text a bit to much at times.
Low confidence in my ability to make friends and talk to people - Maybe right now I feel unconfident but when I went back to school I was able to talk to people just fine. I approached groups filled with people I had never met before and made a great impression. I was outgoing and perhaps a bit to loud... I talked to my friend this morning just fine. I talked to my other friend on the weekend just fine.
Lack of meaning - I'll get back to this... Not gonna have enough time right now
Lack of control - I'll also get back to this... this ones tough and will also take more time.
Feelings of guilt - I do feel guilty for being depressed even though my family is doing their best to help me. The other day I felt bad thinking that I was such a liability to my family but my mother reassured me that her and my father will always love me and will never look at me that way.
Feelings of inadequacy - I could use some help with this one. I believe that it has to do with the fact that I'm a male and I'm not very good at sports... I also believe it has something to do with the fact that I'm overly critical of myself due to my tendency to be a perfectionist. I'm also usually comparing myself to people who are the best in their field or people who are "better" than me at a task.
Inability to focus - Its been about 40 minutes since I just started writing this post and I seem to be focusing quite well. I had a test today in which I focused on it for about 20 minutes. When I talked to my friend earlier this morning I also focused on that person for about 10 minutes.
Loss of motivation - I'm motivated to write this post so it certainly can't all be gone. Rather I can say that their is a loss of motivation to write music, go to school, and talk to people. The music part is most likely due to the fact that I'm really hard on myself and I am constantly failing which leads to feelings of learned helplessness. It also doesn't help that I've lost all faith in my ability to produce music. The talking to people thing may just be because I'm not happy with the state of a lot of my friendships right now. The going to school may be because there aren't any classes that I'm taking right now that I find to be interesting.
Loss of an understanding of reality - I'll get back to this one because it's harder to explain...
I'll work on the list more later on. Thanks webwanderer I already feel just a little bit better after doing all of that.
I'll get back to you Jen.
I'm very happy to hear from you. Sorry it's just that I'm running out of time. There are quite a few falsehoods in the previous list. There are also assumptions that I noticed aren't completely true...
Thanks everyone for helping me so much.