infidelity

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infidelity

Postby bobdylanfan » Wed May 13, 2015 12:01 pm

Hey everyone I wondered what your view is on infidelity. I recently had sex and spent time with a girl that is in a six year relationship , I got totally swept up in her beauty and charm and was telling her I loved her after a few days. Looking back I can see that sex and attraction feels exactly like real love but isn't necessary the same. Anyway we both went back to our own countries and she wanted me to show my desire to be in a relationship with her where she would then leave her bf whereas I was only willing to express my love if she was single and available. So a kind of check mate situation .

Her father and brother died when she was young and also when she was a teenager her male friends got girlfriends and stopped hanging around with her so I think this contributes to her wanted to feel loved, wanted and desired by men. We re both in non dual teaching for a few years and both experiencing a lot of self love and global love and aware that presence is the only real love . Her bf is not part of the community and she has not told him about us.

My biggest fear Is that if we did ever get together would she just cheat on me will someone new and whether I could love with that possibility lingering . Is it ok to cheat, do people just make mistakes ? Does it make them a bad person ? It seems like it's normally done to some short of lack or void in their normally from ingrained physcological issues.

Id love to know what you guys think ?

Love xxxx
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Re: infidelity

Postby DavidB » Tue Jun 02, 2015 3:33 am

Hi bdf,

A healthy loving relationship requires trust. Infidelity can be a breach of that trust, unless of course there was a mutually open sexual relationship, which most are not. I suspect that her six year relationship was not one of these, at least not for her partner anyway.

I suspect that someone who is willing to cheat in her current relationship, will be willing to cheat in further relationships. In order to cheat, you need to be willing to lie and be deceitful, not ideal characteristics in a future loving relationship based upon trust.

bobdylanfan wrote:Is it ok to cheat, do people just make mistakes ? Does it make them a bad person ?


It is ok to cheat, if you are willing to be a liar, be deceitful, and not have a loving long term relationship based on trust. It doesn't make you a bad person, it simply makes you unconscious. Unconsciousness will always lead to pain and suffering, which unfortunately is prone to affect those around you and especially those close to you, the ones you profess to love.
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: infidelity

Postby DanielAshby » Thu Sep 24, 2015 7:28 am

As long as her boyfriend is behind the scene you can think whatever you want, its completely normal. There is hardly any chance that she would blow up her 6 year old relation immediately after one night stand. The point is what will happen after he finds out. My sister who happens to be a divorce lawyer has observed repeatedly that infidelity is the violation of trust that may break any strong relationship.
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Re: infidelity

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:40 am

My biggest fear Is that if we did ever get together would she just cheat on me will someone new and whether I could love with that possibility lingering . Is it ok to cheat, do people just make mistakes ? Does it make them a bad person ? It seems like it's normally done to some short of lack or void in their normally from ingrained physcological issues


It's there now, the act that you both chose to place little value on the fact that she had a commitment elsewhere.

It doesn't make you bad people. It just is.

Only you know the quality & parameters of any future relationship, knowing your version of events - you felt overwhelming desire and you both gave into it. It would appear that trust in a relationship is not the highest priority for either of you. (again doesn't make anyone a 'bad person', just is.)

Any honest relationship that you create between you then would take that into account.

All that is important is are you okay with that? Or are you saying you'd like fidelity & trust to be high in importance in the relationship? Neither of you have acted as if it is, so it might be a little difficult to 'start over' pretending.

There is also the possibility that she wants out of her current relationship, but doesn't want to 'be alone', and is using you as the soft place to fall.
(jeez I'm such a cynic these days, sorry :oops: )

The breach of trust is not so much even about the sex, it's that one doesn't care (even in an opportunistic moment of passion) enough to be honest with the other, and by that I don't mean telling all after the event, which is really just dumping on the other in order to alleviate/transfer the discomfort of guilt being experienced.

It's that honesty is the highest form of love.

Experiences don't just happen, we allow them by our thoughts, feelings, actions. You two only need to take responsibility for that between yourself. She has to take the responsibility between her and her bf & so do you between you and him.

If there was a relationship with trust as a priority in that relationship (with the trust bit) it's already over, broken, gone.

Any new relationships hers, his, yours has to acknowledge that & be renegotiated or be lived as a lie.

In answer to your first question re your 'fear' - it's not just her that's shown that they are capable and willing to 'cheat', and might in the future. You might like to consider more deeply your levels of awareness, capacity and willingness, and if you can now understand that in others better than you might have previously.

(it always amazes/amuses me when folks fear or are shocked that others will be/act like them - stemming from a colleague who was 'cheating' with a married man, brazenly, with pride and no regard or respect for his wife; only to be absolutely shocked & gutted when he also 'cheated' on her with another equally likeable colleague, while still 'cheating' on his wife. For the life of me I could not understand that she didn't think it would be 'normal' practice when she had so normalised it. His wife at least was honest with herself that it was a part of their relationship, hence why they stayed married and the affairs came and went.)
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