So much guilt

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So much guilt

Postby onetwothreex » Sun Jun 28, 2015 9:33 pm

Welle hello everyone!

I am so full with guilt and shame right now, i wish i would not be on this planet. I used to be abused as a child by my mother, either mentally and physical. this messed me up a lot when i was a kid, and was taken away from her when i was 8 together with my little brother who was 4.

I got to a new school. Which was actually new for me in all ways because my mother never brought me to school. so i missed school from my 5th till my 8th i think. and i was way behind other kids at school. educational and social. I became a troublesome kid, who bullied a lot and was very confused. i began pulling out my eye leashes and ate them. also started pulling hair from my head, and did not knew that was wrong. I had all those kinds of strange habits which now i know are ridiculous. I had almost no friends at school, and except from being a bully i was a very scared kid also, and always thought people would wanna hit me for no reason. I created this fantasy world, where i thought everyone and everything on this planet existed because of me, that everything was here to be a part of my life, as if i was the only REAL person alive and everything else was fake. I really dont know why i had these crazy thoughts and fantasies, but i did.

the older i got the more i began to see the real world, but the pain and confusion still were there. I bullied kids on high school, but also got bullied by other kids. When i became older i joined the military and went to afghanistan. i had a very rough tour and came back with ptsd, and got treated for that. On top of that my stepmother became sick 2 years ago (lung cancer). and i became a bit down. in the meanwhile i had a gf. and we lived together, we were engaged. But i was starting to become a mess inside my head, and made a mistake one night at a bar and kissed another girl. i felt EXTREMELY guilty, and eventually confessed it to my gf. she was very upset but decided she wanted to stay with me, and we still got married a couple of months later. the marriage was a bit of sweet and sour because my stepmother died a month before our marriage, and my father decided to not come due to some family issues. so i felt abandoned. The idea that both my biological parents still lived but neither of them came to my marriage due to (my mother who abused me) and my father who did not come due to his personal issues with other family members was very hurtful to me. For the 10000th time i felt left alone.

Ever since the thing with the other girl happened (kiss) and my stepmother(s) sickness combined with my messed up mental state due to my childhood i became severely depressed with serious suicidal thoughts. i was SO DEPRESSED at my own wedding i felt guilty towards everyone who came. Ever since this guilt / depression kicked in i feel guilty for all my sins i ever had. i feel like i am responsible for all my mistakes (and i am). but i dont know how to forgive myself. i know i am a changed person right now. i became very sensitive and caring, and have a lot of empathy towards others. I started thinking about all the wrongs i did. and one of them which controls my life right now is how i mistreated my dog. not like kicking and punching. but i used to pull the leash very hard until he gagged, one night he choked on a piece of bone and he kept trying to swallow it, so i kinda sorta choked him so the bone would not go any further, and it worked it got out. but somehow ever since i became fascinated with him gagging on food, and so some times i would sort of choke him until he gagged and then i let go, i found it funny..... but afterwards i always felt very guilty. Another time i was walking him, and i wondered if he could swim, so i sorta got him half in the water and he started peddling very hard, i started to laugh but did not let him go under water and took him out real quick. And then there is another thing, always when i was busy cooking in the kitchen he would come sid besides of me and beg for food. so i got tired from it and threw some grounded black pepper at him. and that made him sneeze and squeezed his eyes. this to i have done multiple times.
Also sometimes i would wait for a long time to take him out for a walk, and then he finally needed to pee really bad, and sometimes i sorta poked his belly, so it made him even more willign to pee.
Now when i thin kback about those things i feel like such a bad person. I cry EVERY day. and my wife does not know what is going on with me (because she doe snot know i bullied the dog so much).
I am so SORRY. i cry for my dog every day, i miss him so much. sure there are other things i did to bully him but right now am so ashamed. why would i do those things?

i love(d) the dog very much. but had these weird tendencies of bullying it sometimes..... am i sick?

the dog died last year due to his age (15)

but had already been with another family member since 2 years ago, due to allergic reactions from my wife. i wish i could just see the dog one more time and hug and cuddle him, and apologize. i cry everyday for him. i feel his pain, i know how scared he sometimes must have been, because i was like that exactly as a kid. 1 year ago i got 2 kittens and i love them to death. i would never hurt them. they are like my baby's. but that makes me so sad, because i wish i could have given that to the dog if he were here right now. dont mistake me i did a lot of nice things with the dog as well, gave him a lot of nice stuff. cuddled with him talked with him. layed together on the couch and all that kind of stuff. but i also mistreated him


It is almsot as if i have Always lived unconsciously. being driven by my ego. And the night i kissed another girl something changed inside of me. suddenly i understood the things i did were wrong. I really am a loving person. i give alot of people love, i listen to them make time for them.

since i became like this i put myself lowest on my list. i never buy myself stuff anymore, because i feel like i dont deserve it. And recenlty been having thought to divorce my wife because she does not deserve someone like me. i do not deserve to live on this planet anymore, i am a waste of space, just garbage is what i am.

and others would be better off if i was dead.
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Re: So much guilt

Postby Webwanderer » Sun Jun 28, 2015 11:39 pm

The solution to your concerns is going to come from a broader perspective on life. Broader in terms of your life, in terms of all human life. When you see yourself as an eternal timeless being, living life experience after life experience, in any one of many different possibilities, the context of the experience you (and everyone) has, will change in the direction of considering what can be learned from any life experience in a way of lasting value.

You are no less Loved than the greatest of saints. It's because saint or 'sinner' you came for the experience. In a thousand or million years it won't much matter the details of any given life adventure, but you will have evolved from your experiences, and still be seeking out new life possibilities to explore. From this greater vantage point, any historical acts that you were involved in, either as victim or perpetrator, will revert to the context of valuable experience for the purpose of expanding consciousness and being.

Forgive yourself, simply because it's the wise thing to do. Learn from you actions an become a better person for them. There is no greater gift to the world than to be better, more loving, more inclusive, and more appreciative than you were before. Denying yourself forgiveness simply compounds your past experience rather than giving yourself to the moment in a way that makes all life better. It's not what you did before that matters, either ten minutes ago, or ten years ago. It's what you do now that moves you forward. There is no question of worthiness or value in the eyes of your own true nature. It is only your focus on self-judgment that separates you from your own true quality of being.

The truth is that you are love incarnate awaiting a conscious and willing path to to express the natural joy that is your essence. Love and accept the you that didn't know, that you were programmed and conditioned through physical and emotional pain, through misinformation and entrainment, to explore an extremely challenging environment, to understand the contrast of a life in a certain environment without understanding and love.

Recognize your own awakening now to your own fundamental nature that it might come through and overwrite that old conditioning and regain your awaiting place in a greater understanding. It's yours. It always has been. It always will be. You just need to choose for it now and now and now. A way of life. The beauty of your own true nature awaits you. let go of your judgment. Love the value of experience - all experience. Embrace the greater perspective. It's the path to freedom and joy.

WW
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Re: So much guilt

Postby Manyana » Mon Jun 29, 2015 12:29 am

Hi onetwothreex,

This link might be useful: "With a lot of karma, is liberation possible?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwUW57z1l-E
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Re: So much guilt

Postby Enlightened2B » Mon Jun 29, 2015 2:57 am

Webwanderer wrote:The truth is that you are love incarnate awaiting a conscious and willing path to express the natural joy that is your essence. Love and accept the you that didn't know, that you were programmed and conditioned through physical and emotional pain, through misinformation and entrainment, to explore an extremely challenging environment, to understand the contrast of a life in a certain environment without understanding and love.


That's beautiful.
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Re: So much guilt

Postby onetwothreex » Mon Jun 29, 2015 7:59 am

Webwanderer wrote:The solution to your concerns is going to come from a broader perspective on life. Broader in terms of your life, in terms of all human life. When you see yourself as an eternal timeless being, living life experience after life experience, in any one of many different possibilities, the context of the experience you (and everyone) has, will change in the direction of considering what can be learned from any life experience in a way of lasting value.

You are no less Loved than the greatest of saints. It's because saint or 'sinner' you came for the experience. In a thousand or million years it won't much matter the details of any given life adventure, but you will have evolved from your experiences, and still be seeking out new life possibilities to explore. From this greater vantage point, any historical acts that you were involved in, either as victim or perpetrator, will revert to the context of valuable experience for the purpose of expanding consciousness and being.

Forgive yourself, simply because it's the wise thing to do. Learn from you actions an become a better person for them. There is no greater gift to the world than to be better, more loving, more inclusive, and more appreciative than you were before. Denying yourself forgiveness simply compounds your past experience rather than giving yourself to the moment in a way that makes all life better. It's not what you did before that matters, either ten minutes ago, or ten years ago. It's what you do now that moves you forward. There is no question of worthiness or value in the eyes of your own true nature. It is only your focus on self-judgment that separates you from your own true quality of being.

The truth is that you are love incarnate awaiting a conscious and willing path to to express the natural joy that is your essence. Love and accept the you that didn't know, that you were programmed and conditioned through physical and emotional pain, through misinformation and entrainment, to explore an extremely challenging environment, to understand the contrast of a life in a certain environment without understanding and love.

Recognize your own awakening now to your own fundamental nature that it might come through and overwrite that old conditioning and regain your awaiting place in a greater understanding. It's yours. It always has been. It always will be. You just need to choose for it now and now and now. A way of life. The beauty of your own true nature awaits you. let go of your judgment. Love the value of experience - all experience. Embrace the greater perspective. It's the path to freedom and joy.

WW



So if im understanding you right.

I should take this as a lesson and way of perspective for the future?

I have read the power of now several times, and a lot of the pain there is talked about comes from the outside. as in people do you harm and u feel guilty about it.
But what is the guilt is legitimate ?

I just cannot seem to shake these pictures out of my head. The way i bullied my dog, kissed another girl, bullied children in high school, lied to the people i love.

Dont get me wrong. because i finally have come to the point where i KNOW i did things wrong. but i guess i want to make things right that are in the past, which of course is impossible.

How do i get over the constant flashback of my misdeeds? of me bullying my dog while knowing at the time he was scared, bu me being driven by my ego.


The weirdest thing about all of this is that, when i did those things a lot of the times i felt sort of bad afterwards. But not so much as i feel now, years later.


Do you think that someone like me deserves forgiveness? am i worthy of that? Because i know i am such a loving person deep inside, i want to share my love with others. But is is almost impossible for me to share my love when all i can see is a bad person from the past. It literately comes to me as flashbacks.

Its almost as if i have reversed ptsd. by that i mean having trauma memory's from my own misdeeds. is that possible?
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Re: So much guilt

Postby Webwanderer » Mon Jun 29, 2015 3:21 pm

onetwothreex wrote:But what is the guilt is legitimate ?

Everyone has things they have done in their past that they can be haunted by. As to 'legitimate', all experience is legitimate. From the larger reality, the one where love is primary, there is no right or wrong. There is only the experience we get from the actions we take. And thoughts are actions in their own right. Consider also that there is no past. There is only now, current memories of past events, and imaginings of future possibilities. All are now experiences. The legitimacy is in the actual current experience. Yes guilt is legitimate. So too is the releasing of guilt. You get to choose the experiential path you take. There's no right or wrong, there is only choice and the experience of that choice.


I just cannot seem to shake these pictures out of my head. The way i bullied my dog, kissed another girl, bullied children in high school, lied to the people i love.

You don't need to shake them out. You need only to change the context in which you see them. Once that context is changed to something that serves you, you can then focus on things in life you prefer, things in life you prefer. One such context is seeing life in a larger, eternal perspective. The conditions in which you were born into is no accident. It was, and is, an opportunity for a very challenging life experience. Here you are, with the history you've had, with an opportunity to turn lead into gold. This is the very essence of life alchemy.

Some live in guilt, or slaves to their past, their whole lives. Others step up and excel in life, taking their past and allowing it to work for them. Again it's, just memories in any case. Be the great soul you are, the direct extension of Source energy, the courageous explorer of a challenging human experience and reinvent who you are in this life. It's just a choice.


The weirdest thing about all of this is that, when i did those things a lot of the times i felt sort of bad afterwards. But not so much as i feel now, years later.

Clarity has that effect. There is a natural expansion in consciousness and clarity over our lifetime. While it can be painful to see the truth, the effect of our actions, it's ultimately a good thing, even with the pain, to be able to glean the greater value in our actions. And there is always value awaiting the one willing to harvest it.


Do you think that someone like me deserves forgiveness? am i worthy of that? Because i know i am such a loving person deep inside, i want to share my love with others. But is is almost impossible for me to share my love when all i can see is a bad person from the past. It literately comes to me as flashbacks.

Anyone reading this can see the beautiful loving person that exists in you. Consider for a moment forgiveness. Source Being will not forgive you. Your own Soul Nature will not forgive you. The reason for this is that Source, nor your Soul Nature, has ever judged you. You are simply, and unconditionally loved. (By you in this context, I'm referring to your human identification) Screwing up is a natural part of the exploration of our human experience. Our limited perspective in a human identity is designed for trial and error. It is the contrast which influences us to choose for a better life experience. It is evolution in action and unfolding.

The only judgment is that which is made from the same misperception that acted in harmful ways to begin with. You are your only judge that matters. No greater consciousness holds you in condemnation. There is only love and appreciation for your willingness to risk and explore. That exploration is the nature of evolution and expansion of life itself. Appreciation is the rule, never judgment.

An important feature in the transformation of a life experience from guilt and pain, to love and joy, is the recognition that the judgment we hold is solely our own. Spiritual growth is marked by acting on this greater understanding and awareness and choosing to forgive ourselves for our ignorance and then committing to value our life lessons to make us better and happier beings. Again, it's just a recognition and a choice to move forward. It is a gift to life itself to overcome our past and live in love and joy.

Withholding such positive energy from the world for some false concern over worthiness is just some of the same misperception that created the acts of concern to begin with. There is nothing wrong with this either. It's just more grist for the mill of a life of experiential exploration.

Let your feelings guide you. They are life's messengers indicating the quality of our alignment with our true nature as eternal conscious beings. Again, it's not a matter of right or wrong, only the experiential feedback from the context we hold. Learn to appreciate it all. Emotional pain is telling us our perspective is askew with our greater beingness. That is all. There is no judgment. Self judgment will result in more emotional pain, not correct it. Love the lessons life offers and the pain of judgment will subside. That peace is a reflection of Self alignment.

WW
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Re: So much guilt

Postby onetwothreex » Mon Jun 29, 2015 3:43 pm

Webwanderer wrote:
onetwothreex wrote:But what is the guilt is legitimate ?

Everyone has things they have done in their past that they can be haunted by. As to 'legitimate', all experience is legitimate. From the larger reality, the one where love is primary, there is no right or wrong. There is only the experience we get from the actions we take. And thoughts are actions in their own right. Consider also that there is no past. There is only now, current memories of past events, and imaginings of future possibilities. All are now experiences. The legitimacy is in the actual current experience. Yes guilt is legitimate. So too is the releasing of guilt. You get to choose the experiential path you take. There's no right or wrong, there is only choice and the experience of that choice.


I just cannot seem to shake these pictures out of my head. The way i bullied my dog, kissed another girl, bullied children in high school, lied to the people i love.

You don't need to shake them out. You need only to change the context in which you see them. Once that context is changed to something that serves you, you can then focus on things in life you prefer, things in life you prefer. One such context is seeing life in a larger, eternal perspective. The conditions in which you were born into is no accident. It was, and is, an opportunity for a very challenging life experience. Here you are, with the history you've had, with an opportunity to turn lead into gold. This is the very essence of life alchemy.

Some live in guilt, or slaves to their past, their whole lives. Others step up and excel in life, taking their past and allowing it to work for them. Again it's, just memories in any case. Be the great soul you are, the direct extension of Source energy, the courageous explorer of a challenging human experience and reinvent who you are in this life. It's just a choice.


The weirdest thing about all of this is that, when i did those things a lot of the times i felt sort of bad afterwards. But not so much as i feel now, years later.

Clarity has that effect. There is a natural expansion in consciousness and clarity over our lifetime. While it can be painful to see the truth, the effect of our actions, it's ultimately a good thing, even with the pain, to be able to glean the greater value in our actions. And there is always value awaiting the one willing to harvest it.


Do you think that someone like me deserves forgiveness? am i worthy of that? Because i know i am such a loving person deep inside, i want to share my love with others. But is is almost impossible for me to share my love when all i can see is a bad person from the past. It literately comes to me as flashbacks.

Anyone reading this can see the beautiful loving person that exists in you. Consider for a moment forgiveness. Source Being will not forgive you. Your own Soul Nature will not forgive you. The reason for this is that Source, nor your Soul Nature, has ever judged you. You are simply, and unconditionally loved. (By you in this context, I'm referring to your human identification) Screwing up is a natural part of the exploration of our human experience. Our limited perspective in a human identity is designed for trial and error. It is the contrast which influences us to choose for a better life experience. It is evolution in action and unfolding.

The only judgment is that which is made from the same misperception that acted in harmful ways to begin with. You are your only judge that matters. No greater consciousness holds you in condemnation. There is only love and appreciation for your willingness to risk and explore. That exploration is the nature of evolution and expansion of life itself. Appreciation is the rule, never judgment.

An important feature in the transformation of a life experience from guilt and pain, to love and joy, is the recognition that the judgment we hold is solely our own. Spiritual growth is marked by acting on this greater understanding and awareness and choosing to forgive ourselves for our ignorance and then committing to value our life lessons to make us better and happier beings. Again, it's just a recognition and a choice to move forward. It is a gift to life itself to overcome our past and live in love and joy.

Withholding such positive energy from the world for some false concern over worthiness is just some of the same misperception that created the acts of concern to begin with. There is nothing wrong with this either. It's just more grist for the mill of a life of experiential exploration.

Let your feelings guide you. They are life's messengers indicating the quality of our alignment with our true nature as eternal conscious beings. Again, it's not a matter of right or wrong, only the experiential feedback from the context we hold. Learn to appreciate it all. Emotional pain is telling us our perspective is askew with our greater beingness. That is all. There is no judgment. Self judgment will result in more emotional pain, not correct it. Love the lessons life offers and the pain of judgment will subside. That peace is a reflection of Self alignment.

WW
Your post just really made me cry...

not being judged for what i did. feels so unreal.

i know 99% of the world would judge me for what i did. i just cannot describe how much your post means to me.

Due to my depression and self hating i have lost a lot of friends. and never have told anyone about this story, not even my psychiatrist.
Just wished there would be people like your near me.

the suffering really feels like i am alone.


Do you have any practical advice to implement you're reply's?

As in meditating on it, or anything like that? Because i try to 'shift' my thinking pattern into 'being', but my ego is still way to strong, and whenever i try to just 'be' my ego tells me i am wasting time and that all this stuff is just talk and a way to hide from my issues.
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Re: So much guilt

Postby Webwanderer » Mon Jun 29, 2015 9:03 pm

onetwothreex wrote:Do you have any practical advice to implement you're reply's?

As in meditating on it, or anything like that? Because i try to 'shift' my thinking pattern into 'being', but my ego is still way to strong,

Meditation is good, so long as it brings clarity of being. If it just devolves into a thought storms of rationalization and mind chatter, then it could just as well be counter productive. I suggest taking a few deep breaths and relax into openness and clarity. What does this mean? It means that our true beingness will naturally rise to the surface if we just stop squashing it out on our awareness.

The only reason more of us don't 'feel' who we truly are is that we are too busy 'thinking' about who we imagine we are. That thought constructed idea of self is the problem child that believes in guilt and unworthiness. It's just a created idea of self that we believe is the real us. It's not. Who we are cannot be defined in words that only create another idea to believe in. Those words can however, make a better idea of self than the one that says "I suck as a human being", so don't consider thought as worthless. Thoughts, chosen with wisdom and understanding of their potential and funtion, can be quite freeing from those conditioned thoughts that bring us chronic emotional pain.

Resting in openness and clarity with regularity and discipline, with a focus on 'feeling' your actual being, will bring a familiarity with that true natural being that you are and will gain in strength over time and become your default perspective on life. Remember however, that while a new course can be set in a day, it may take some time to sail out of the rough waters that we find ourselves. We have momentum in our thinking and will likely take some time to effectively shift to one we prefer. Perseverance is our best ally.

Don't look for immediate results. Don't look for any results. That just becomes a litmus test for failure and proves to the ego perspective that it doesn't work for you. Consider results to be irrelevant. Rather focus on feeling your way to your own beingness. You are. You exist. Enjoy it. In-Joy it. Feel it. That is enough. If you must have a thought, make it one of appreciation for the life you are. Don't say thanks, just feel appreciation for being. Appreciation is about as close a feeling to unconditional love that a human perspective can muster. Cultivate it whenever possible, about whatever you can. Birds, flowers, a refreshing breeze, a sunset, a kind word, an opportunity to offer a hand. Anything. Everything. Appreciate life. Be free of judgment - towards your self, or towards others.


the suffering really feels like i am alone.

Suffering does that by its very nature. It isolates us in a feeling-quagmire of misunderstood experience, self-judgment, and blind condemnation. It will last only until you choose to walk another path.

...my ego is still way to strong, and whenever i try to just 'be' my ego tells me i am wasting time and that all this stuff is just talk and a way to hide from my issues.

Never trust an ego. It's not real as a real person. It's only a belief structure of repeating thought patterns. Your sense of self is real, but not the descriptions of self you are entrained with. Self tends to adopt these descriptions as a concept, which will feel like an aspect of self until replaced with a more believable one. Concepts aren't bad in an of themselves, they are just working paradigms through which we experience life in this human adventure. Awakening allows us to choose one we prefer - one that brings us peace and joy. So choose. A better life awaits.

WW
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Re: So much guilt

Postby lmp » Mon Jun 29, 2015 10:42 pm

..."I really am a loving person. i give alot of people love, i listen to them make time for them. "

You know, love is like that, it has no set goal, it just makes time for someone, just to be together in goodness, it is a simple and innocent thing. Love does not look for perfection, to be perfect is an idea, an idea out of which one might gain the temporary pleasure of admiration and vanity among other things. Love is naturally occuring but man has always tried to bring it about through systematization, through ideas of certain behaviour, but love is not a result of those. Much worse, the result of ideas is really pain. Feelings like shame and guilt and wishes of forgiveness are still the partially avoiding what is or what was. Love is not a practice, it is there, intimate, sensitive, strong, meaningful, when we are not impatiently turning towards quick results. Love remains innocently with the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly and because it does it sees things wholly for what they are and it understands and learns instead of condemns and therefore there is compassion for others in troubles or in joy, much like you describe in your sentence above. It is not about perfect.

There has been a lot of pain in your life, perhaps now can be the time for love to get your focus. Why?, because it is only fair. Love will then use your pain in the meetings with others in a useful way. To me it is an idea that forgiveness of yourself or from somebody else shall set you free, this effort to forgive is essentially a trying to contradict that something was wrong. I believe rather that where there is a lot of pain there is also a small light and if we can pick it up, cuddle it, it will grow and in return it will take care of your pain for you. I was for a long time looking for love as something big and overwhelming and so thought I didn't have it or that there perhaps was no such thing actually. It wasn't until I acknowledged that the very quiet and gentle simple feeling of unselfish kindness inside that made no particular noise about itself was what I was looking for. I suggest you read that sentence of yours above a couple of times and really explore slowly what that feels like for you, that which you mean by what you said. Be interested in that, what that means.

----

..."Because i try to 'shift' my thinking pattern into 'being', but my ego is still way to strong, and whenever i try to just 'be' my ego tells me i am wasting time and that all this stuff is just talk and a way to hide from my issues."

The ego is hiding from the issues in the idea of forgiveness of the issues. An idea of forgiveness first looks lovely eh, and we can forgive many things, eventually we come upon something we cannot forgive and we have this dilemma that we should but can't, so the idea traps us and becomes a prison of our own making, something I believe I must do but cannot. It just adds to the pain instead of taking it away as it seemed to promise. It is not the way, is all I'm saying. In the same manner an idea that I must love everything, will surely fail. Forgiveness or love cannot be applied by will, they are not a method like we have methods in practical matters.

You asked, not me though, about a practice. I think you could, when you attempt to meditate or just be as you put it - if you could sometimes find an open spot to do it in. It could be near the ocean or a lake or a field or on a hill or somewhere with a view, if you dont have it then watching the sky will do. Just something that is big, vast, open, in great contrast to the inner contraction of 'the issues'. Even if it doesnt do anything directly for you, indirectly it will inspire a sense of big and free and whole in you. I think so anyway. If we expose ourselves to something it will have an effect. There are qualities in a very open environment that are definitely overlooked when we are battling with problems.
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Re: So much guilt

Postby onetwothreex » Wed Jul 01, 2015 3:44 pm

I tried venting about this today on another board. and someone told me i should give away my cats.

He or she said that me being abusive in the past towards my dog are serious red flags for other mental illnesses. and that i should not be around pets and or children from now on.


i never did anything to children??? neither will i ever do anything. i dont understand this. I love my cats to death and would never hurt em.

I know for a FACT that i am changed.

but these messages get me really confused and make me feel like a really horrible person. The fact he says i should not be around kids makes me feel like an child molester.

This only shows that death would be the solution to all this. People (including on this forum). would not have to put any effort into such a monster as me.


i really hope incarnation exists so i can be good person then.
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Re: So much guilt

Postby Webwanderer » Thu Jul 02, 2015 2:59 pm

Why would you listen to anyone who gives you advice that makes you feel bad? That is the litmus test for incorporating suggestions into your perspective. Do they uplift you? Are they expansive in a life experience sense? Do you feel better for having considered that advice? If not, disregard it and find something that brings quality to your feelings. That quality is the path to a happy life. There are plenty of people, with issues of their own, willing to tell you what they think. You have to be wise enough to distinguish those that see the essence of Love that you are from those seeing only through their own fears.

You are beginning to recognize your true nature is not what you learned early in your life. That's why your past is hurting to you. That pain is a good thing. It's a message that you are changing, that you know what you believed early on was not true. You see that now. But there is still work to be done. Understand, most all of us go through a time of blindness of who we are where we live mostly in a thought identity. In many ways human life is about restructuring our perspective from blindness to truth and clarity.

Go back and re-read the this thread. What feels right to you? Follow that feeling. Cultivate it. Love and appreciation brings insight because it opens the path, the alignment, with your greater nature. When feeling pain as you cite in your post simply says you are not in alignment with your actual true nature. Don't make too much of it. By the nature of the human experience it's an on again, off again, experience. Just take the time to remember who you are. And then another. And another. Those repeated connections, over time, will make a massive positive difference in your life. Make it a primary purpose in your life to seek out things that inspire you, that bring you joy, that make you 'feel' who you truly are. Learn to know your own truth.

And stop listening to those who offer their fear instead of their love. Avoid people, places, music, TV shows, news, movies, books and anything else that makes you feel bad. You are on a program of readjusting your life vibration. It only gets done by reconditioning your consciousness vibration through the type of experience you focus on. Be smart on what you ingest in your consciousness. Read and listen to NDE reports to get a sense of a greater perspective on life. I also recommend that you consider Abraham as a daily diet to help you focus on a perspective that serves you.

There is lots that you can do to recreate your perspective on life. It's critical to focus more on your joy and less on your pain. Where you focus is what you get as experience. How do you really want to be? Focus only on that.

WW
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Re: So much guilt

Postby onetwothreex » Fri Jul 03, 2015 12:05 pm

Well first of all WW thanks again for you input.


I really have been trying to take all your advice and do something with it. but there is something i really want and need to share here....

i do see a therapist, and i go to groups counseling. the group counseling is for 12 months. and i now have only 2 months left.

While your in groups counseling they don't do individual counseling because they could interfere with each other.

The fact is. i never talked about the dog subject yet in the group or individually. Because some people in the group have dogs to. And i think i am just to scared to anger them with my past mistake's.

There is some kind of trust in the group, and we have shared a lot of personal issues with each other. But this subject just goes a bit to far for me.

I am afraid people will see me as a animal abuser. which i really am not. But i know people could think i am.


Everytime i hear stuff about animal cruelty i feel so bad, i get so angry at people who do that. but at the same time i am hurting so much, because i used to be an a*** hole to my dog as well.


What i am about to write now is a serious trigger warning regarding the suicidal topic.

This morning i woke up and felt terrible. my head was pounding, and i could not stop thinking about the post from another board that i should not have any pets, or be around children.

That post has really struck me, and made me feel like an complete a*** hole. one who does not deserve to live.

So i walked to my dressing room, grabbed my Jiu-jitsu belt, and wrapped it around my neck. i sat down in front of my dressing room door. there was a mirror hanging right in front on me and i looked myself in the eyes. i knotted the belt around the door handle, and started putting pressure on the belt, choking myself.

Suddenly i thought about my wife and cats and bursted out in a huge crying spell. the ones you only see kids doing.

I love my wife and cats to much, that i could not finish the job.
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Re: So much guilt

Postby Webwanderer » Fri Jul 03, 2015 3:15 pm

Consider this possibility. You came to this life, from a much greater reality, to take on the challenges you are experiencing in this life. Gutsy, very gutsy. In that greater reality (and this) you are greatly loved and admired for your courage by those with the clarity to recognize the challenge. The problem of punching out early is that the goal you took on is left unfinished. Therefore you'll only have to do it all over again from the start. At least some version of it.

Now, while you are here and have set the stage for the real accomplishment, you are positioned for the clarity and growth you came for. Take on the challenge of forgiveness. Replace the self condemnation with the love that is your birthright. It doesn't matter in the least what anyone else thinks, only what you think. You can't control others. No one can control you except to the degree you let them - and that is your choice.

Is this how it works? Who can say for sure? There are however, a lot of non-physical reports out there that suggest that this is indeed the case. Whether you know it or not you are up to the task. Maybe not from an isolated ego perspective, but from the immense power of the alignment with your true essence, anything is possible. Many know this from experience. I do. It's just a matter of how you focus your attention. What do you increase in your life, and what do you move on from. While life has momentum and often does not change easily, it will change for those who make the choice and hold to their decision. New momentum gets created and new perspectives and experience unfold.

Death may not free you from your chosen task. Not in the long run. It's just as likely to create new issues of concern. The damage done to loved ones in such cases is no small matter. Consider life from a larger perspective and it will help create the alignment that will guide you in your challenges. You are not the evil person you labeled yourself as. You are the very Essence of divinity in physical form with the courage to take on an amazing life experience. It's no small matter. See the truth and that truth will make you free.

Recommended reading: Journey of Souls by Michael Newton.

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Re: So much guilt

Postby lmp » Fri Jul 03, 2015 5:04 pm

I understand you must vent and it is ok, you have shared honestly. For me personally my worst problems in life are 15 years behind me. I don't know if you will end your life and neither do you, you may feel strong fear or other feelings regarding this but I honnestly think that the tears that need to come out must first push you to the edge. Mixed into this hard test is the learning about what, or whom, that really matter to us. Our love for them appear in the despair. One day you might decide to tell your wife that your love for her saved you on this occasion, I think that such a day will be a very good day for her. In that sense you are carrying a future treasure for her, but you might not think about it like that now. The fact is we do not know what will happen. The fact is these things are happening.

You say it is a fact that you have changed, I would like to hear a bit more about what you have experienced about this change, there must be some experiences. Is it from reading Tolle or other things? I will share some of mine. Its interesting. For me there has been many changes (and many tears too). Pls feel free to tell.
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Re: So much guilt

Postby onetwothreex » Fri Jul 03, 2015 8:00 pm

Do you guys think i need to turn myself in?

Even tough it was years ago. and the dog died (naturally) more then a year ago.

This is considered animal abuse right?


Its just that, the consequences will be huge. first of all i would have to tell my wife about all this, i know for a fact she will divorce me if i told her about this. her whole family would be told i am a bad person.
I would lose my job i think (because if work for the government) as in i am in the military. no criminals are allowed there so...

Going to jail, or havinf too pay a fine would be less of a concern to me. atleast somehow i would have payed my debt then.|


how do you guys feel about this?

Confess and tell my wife, and turn myself in?

Or keep this a secret for the rest in my life.


Or am i being over dramatic right now?
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