Maintaining healthy relationships and integrity with parents

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Maintaining healthy relationships and integrity with parents

Post by SockMonkey » Mon Aug 10, 2015 4:50 am

i apologize in advance for this very long post. But I am having trouble trying to stay true to myself and also trying to be a dutiful daughter. I have been struggling with this almost all my life. I am 27, a single child, and throughout my life I have been controlled and suppressed. My father less so, but my mother definitely did, while also being emotionally, physically, verbally abusive. Although they have been supportive about some life goals (more so academic), I have always felt unaccepted for who I am and I, of course, as a defense mechanism, retreated and preferred to live in a world of imagination where I could cope and empower myself. But I always felt like a black sheep among friends and cousins - I doubt they knew how bad I really had it because I would always cover up my pain.

I got my real breath of fresh air and freedom when I moved here to the US for college, and have been living and working here ever since. Needless to say, I had (and still slightly do) have emotional angst and insecurities (which is why I'm writing :p ) In 2013, I found Eckhart Tolle' and immersed myself in his and Adyashanti's teachings and it was very healing to me. I think I may have relapsed some but am making an effort to introspect and question my tendencies to unveal any potenetial egoic agenda.

Inspite of how well I have been doing in life so far, they have continued to be clingy and have the notion that I am not very competent or cannot be trusted to be competent. Two examples come to mind: Once, I mentioned to my mom that I learned how to make a recipe on potato fritters (a big childhood favorite) and she is momentarily happy but then spends better half of the conversation preaching about laying off fried food and to get a routinely health checkup along with the hardships of being in a woman's body (?) The second is when my cousin visited, and I mentioned to him maybe we should do a roadtrip to Miami and he seemed to like the idea.The next day, my mom asked him online how his stay with me was going out of politness and courtesy and he mentioned the roadtrip idea. To which she immediately called me and said not to (because she didnt think at the time I was a full-fledged drvier even though I was 24 and she has seen me get on the interstate). I, of course, said it was only an idea, but she shouldn't worry. Then she got my cousin to tell me how he wasn't feeling it. I have confronted my mom about this (as well as with similar incidents), and she usually just uses the fact that she is a chronic worrier as an excuse (like "It's not my fault I worry about you. I cant help it" ) and in some occassions, resolve to emotional blackmail "Don't do it / do it for my sake". They have a knack of seeing the danger/ disadvantage in everything so I have stopped opening up altogether.

This was a few years ago. Lately, I have been feeling just overwhelmed and suffocated. Inspite of having the Atlantic between us, they (especially my mom) always makes it a point to chat online every morning and they call every 3 weeks. There is nothign to talk about - atleast nothing I feel comfortable sharing with them - that I have been dating somebody for 4 years now and he is now my live-in boyfriend. My mom keeps dropping hints about how much she wants to visit (I saw them just last year when we made a trip to Central Europe) and to these hints, I just give cryptic responses because I know I don't want to turn my life upside-down trying to accomodate them here in the apartment (Needless to say they are old-fashioned and I would much rather visit them instead). When I say I need space, they say that I have had plenty since I dont live at home anymore.

A more recent example of my disdain is, they recently took a trip to Scandinavia - which I was talked into going but I used an excuse to get out off. It was a week long trip and they (my mom and dad) each wrote elaborate emails and messages every 2 days detailing their trip so far and I was good at replying back (even though I felt it was in excess). WHen I got caught up running errands, my dad sent me an email giving me another update on their progress and saying something along the lines of how it has been 2 days and I have not yet replied to his previous email - inspite of knowing the nature of my errands which concerned filling paperwork dealing with citizenship and legalities.

They recently returned home (its been 2 days or so), and I knew any moment that they would call. Just an hour or so, I received their call and the first thing my dad says is "We thought you would call over the weekend", to which all I said was "I was wanting you to rest and recover from your jetlag first." I felt hurt though that there were these (and always have been) these uncommunicated expectations of me. It really makes me come off as thankless, insensitive, and callous while they are just being normal. I feel suffocated despite living continents apart.

There is a lot about my life they dont know about and just when I feel like maybe I should give them a chance to mention it (like the fact that I have a boyfriend, or that he and I are planning a trip to Atlanta), they show me how clingy and set in their ways they are, which makes me completely reconsider and withdraw.

How do I maintain healthy relationships without compromising myself? I have tried to see the good behind their actions, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. They have not shown me they are in control of their emotions or realistic in their expectations. I sometimes feel like faking my death, changing my name, and moving to another place to live a new life. I know for sure that when I have kids, I want my kids to have little to no contact with my parents.

Is this unspiritual of me. Most of what I havebeen doing so far has been done out of intuition and it has served me well so far.

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Re: Maintaining healthy relationships and integrity with par

Post by dijmart » Mon Aug 10, 2015 5:51 pm

Sounds like you need some healthy boundaries with your parents. I wouldn't be answering every email immediately. Get caller ID so you don't have to answer every call also or delay calling them back by a few days. Maybe read up on codependent relationships.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

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