I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

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I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby Clouded » Wed Oct 07, 2015 4:25 pm

I went back to school and the beginning went surprisingly well. I studied without high expectations about my grades (and without spending all-nighters like I used to before because all I wanted was to pass) and ended up getting grades above 90s which shocked me because I was used to failing. I gained a lot of confidence in myself and almost never doubted my answers to questions, my train of thought would just go very smoothly. Everything went well until I had a test that my dad helped me study for (he was always my tutor in math/chemistry/physics), and I had no problem understanding at home a week before that test, without putting much thought in answering because the answers would just magically pop in my head and everything made sense at the time. My dad told me that I would be the best in my class and this put a lot of pressure on me because I didn't want to aim for being the best, I just wanted to get a passing mark but he was so convinced that I would do very well in that test that it irritated me. A day before my test, I was very nervous because I was afraid to forget everything, fail that test and be a disappointment to my dad. I started having thoughts such as ''he has wasted his time with me, I am going to fail miserably anyways because I am stupid'', ''I will get the lowest grade in class because I am the dumbest student in my class'', etc. The day of the test, my mind went completely blank and nothing made sense to me, I couldn't concentrate, it's like there was a blockage in my mind and my mind just gave up. After 10 minutes of staring at my test, I left the classroom to cry in the hallways and the teacher came to see me and I am going to have to retake that test. After that day, nothing makes sense to me anymore, I believe that I am going to fail all of classes, I am always doubting my answers and I can't memorize anything, It's like I am back to being brain dead again and I have convinced myself that I am stupid.

I know it's all a game of beliefs but I just can't let go of that belief about myself. My grades will suffer again and I hope I won't drop out of school again.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby dijmart » Wed Oct 07, 2015 6:34 pm

Yes, the fear has power because you believe in it and believe what the thoughts are saying. It will stay and try to make you miserable for as long as you let it and believe in it. When you believe one fearful thought, then more seem to come, as though they are being drawn to you like a magnet. Put a stop to it by not believing what the little voice is saying, you already know it's not true. You said yourself you've been getting good grades. One test or one class is not the end all be all of your life.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby dijmart » Wed Oct 07, 2015 6:47 pm

Also, it helps me sometimes if I do believe a fearful thought to ask myself, "what's the worst thing that can happen here?". If I jump right to that and sit with it for a minute I can most times see through the fear and realize it's all worry about the future and I don't know what's going to happen in the future, so it's really speculation and I'm wasting my time.
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Re: I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby Manyana » Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:30 pm

Reading your post it seems like the problem came when you involved your dad. Maybe it will make a difference when he is not involved.
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Re: I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby smiileyjen101 » Fri Oct 09, 2015 6:23 am

Hi Clouded, congrats on your progress - you recognise a belief infiltrating & colouring your world and having an impact...natural consequence of the belief itself - well done you! :)

Return to the Four Agreements --- speak with integrity - even to your self - 'avoid using the word to speak against yourself - use the power of your word(s) in the direction of truth & love.
2) when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won't be the victim of needless suffering
3) Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.
4) Your best is going to change from moment to moment ... under any circumstances simply do your best and you wil avoid self-judgment, self abuse, and regret.

All the best :)
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby Clouded » Sat Oct 24, 2015 3:15 am

Hello again everyone, thanks for answering. I decided to ask for a student tutor (so I won't have to rely on my dad anymore) and got one. I ended up getting 99% on the exam retake and I didn't feel happy or proud of myself, I was just relieved that I didn't fail and I felt some dread because I knew that I have plenty of other exams to go (meaning more anxiety to experience.) I have to take sedatives before my exams because otherwise I can't sleep (and I am also taking antidepressants daily), my thoughts consists of mostly worrying about miserably failing my future exams (which seems unreasonable right now) and sabotaging my chances at graduating again. Despite my grades, I still feel inept and my expectations are still very low and I feel numb when I get my grades, it feels like those grades don't belong to me. Also, after knowing about my grades, one of my friends told a group of people that I was very smart and I felt irritated and I interrupted her by telling the group ''no, not really, it's not that I'm smart, I just work very hard for my grades''. I took it more as a threat than a compliment, it's like she was telling a lie about myself, a lie that I couldn't accept. It's like she's implying that you need to have good grades in order to be smart. So if I fail does that make me not good enough? Was I an idiot when I had trouble at school?

Anyways, I struggle a lot with letting go of those thoughts. My self-esteem hasn't improved much. I don't wan't to feel inept but I don't want to feel like I am above others either, I want to be modest and keep doing my best and complete something for once.

I feel like bad things will happen if I stop worrying about my grades. How can I not care about something that I find to be extremely important in my life? Those worries about my grades are there to remind me that passing is important and I am so terrified and so sure of failing that I study hardcore just to feel safe. I do anything I can to minimize my chances of failing but it is making me sick.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby Clouded » Sat Oct 24, 2015 4:04 am

Yes, I know that I am entirely responsible for my own suffering (I created my suffering and only I have the power to destroy it) but I don't want to let go of those thoughts because I believe that they are helpful to me.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby dijmart » Sat Oct 24, 2015 4:21 am

The negative "story" has become an ingrained habit in your mind. Dropping it would do you wonders, but if that can't happen, maybe try to tell yourself some more positive thoughts that you can believe. It'll still be a story, but not as destructive as the present one. You are seemingly doing better which is great really. Problem solving is part of life and you are taking action where at one point you were not, so that's improvement.

To clarify, we all haves stories, it's just do you "believe" your story? It's the belief that can cause the suffering, not the story it self. Over the years I seem to have believed and then not believed my story over and over again. I'm currently in a "I don't believe in it" phase. Amazingly I still function in the world and at work just fine, although "I" am also somehow removed from it, in that I'm not suffering. Still work to do here though or grace call it what you like.

The focus of your attention seems highly focused on the dense thought patterns and emotions. Pull back your attention, it's almost like an energetic pulling back of sorts. Ive done it either from top to bottom or what seems to be better is from front to back, then holding it there. This will loosen the "fixed" perspective and give some space between "you" as consciousness and the forms (thought, emotions, body). Keep repeating this until you can sink into it at will.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: I believe that I have turned stupid and will fail

Postby Manyana » Sat Oct 24, 2015 10:59 am

It seems like you believe there is some kind of safety in being that way. That pattern becomes fixed through repetition, so stepping out of that repetitive pattern and taking a breather as often as you can, will start to loosen that pattern and make it more comfortable. And learning that being just a little bit different from what you are is still safe.

I thought this may be useful for you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zC-5_O67TiE
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