I feel like I'm dying and I don't know what to do

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I feel like I'm dying and I don't know what to do

Postby whateveriam » Tue Mar 29, 2016 2:32 am

I'll try to keep this one short...

For the past week and a half or so, I've been experiencing an unbearable, constant agony. It seems every problem I've ever had has been laid in my cross-hair and I can't look away. For a long time, I've been into this spiritual stuff and nothing's really changed about me - if anything, my life has gotten worse - but now I feel like I'm doomed. I've never been this close to feeling suicidal in my life.

The biggest problem I think I have is I'm no longer sure what to do with my life. My depression has sucked away all the joy of what I loved doing. I've always had a strong sense of what I loved doing since childhood which was regularly channeled through art, and I've spent the last few years educating myself to be better in this field, but now I have no clue if I'll ever truly love it or if I'll even get the chance to pursue it for real. I had to go to the doctor today because I scared my parents to death, telling them I was official suicidal, and I was.

It's not as bad right now, but there's a constant pressure on my body, a constant agony that just won't go away. I've been depressed for a long time but it's never been this bad.

Is this a movement in consciousness? Is my ego preparing to die?
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Re: I feel like I'm dying and I don't know what to do

Postby DavidB » Wed Mar 30, 2016 8:09 am

The biggest problem I think I have is I'm no longer sure what to do with my life.


I've always had a strong sense of what I loved doing since childhood which was regularly channeled through art


Is this a movement in consciousness? Is my ego preparing to die?


One of the things we realize when we become consciously aware of our true nature, is that we are none of the things we identify with. If you find that art is no longer enjoyable, then that's ok, simply realize that the art was not the source of your joy anyway, but instead mistakenly perceived as the source of your joy. Joy, is who we are at a deeper level. Joy is a natural expression of the love of living. Joy is therefore not dependent upon circumstances, it is a natural out flowing of our true nature when it is in alignment with existence, alignment with what is.

If you are not sure what to do with your life, then that is a great opening for consciousness to emerge. Surrender to not knowing. Allow life to emerge on it's own. Allow life to take you on a journey. A journey of self discovery. The depression you feel, and consequently the suicidal thoughts, is probably being manifested through resistance to change. Investigate where you might be encountering resistance. Whatever causes pain and suffering will almost always be unconscious. Be attentive. Listen to what you need, rather than what you want. Be willing to adapt and change. Allow life to flow into you.

Human life is like a wave. We ebb and flow. Sometimes we feel enthusiastic about our existence, and sometimes we don't. Always remember though, that the joy of being, is the joy of living. We are deep down, that joy. Let the winter time pass and in due course, the sun will shine again, and the joy will return, only this time it will come form a depth or maturity and awareness . :)
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: I feel like I'm dying and I don't know what to do

Postby Webwanderer » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:54 pm

The thing about depression, or any emotionally painful state, is that the more we resist the stronger it seems to get. It's a curious thing that if we take the approach that we are not the feelings themselves, but are just having an experience that we ourselves have created, we can get a little space in which to breath and maybe make some new choices about how we want to be.

All our experience is of our own making. Not so much the specific conditions, although we likely contributed a great deal to them, but our perception of those conditions and the meaning we apply to them. Understand, the meanings we apply to conditions at hand significantly influences the experience we have of those conditions - and of life in general. Once we take responsibility for our every experience (through how we have chosen to perceive life's events and conditions), we can make new choices if we don't like how things feel to us. And our feelings are at the heart of all experience.

From a human standpoint we tend to see things in terms of right and wrong, even if we don't always clearly label them as such. The more we see wrong in and with our lives, the more resistant we become to those perceive wrongs, and the more painful our life experience is. But from the standpoint of the greater reality, and of our true nature, there is no wrong. There is only the effects of how we judge the conditions of our human life exploration.

To the degree we apply discordant judgments, we tend to feel the disharmony of those judgments. Hold and repeat them long enough, especially internally, and they can drive us down into some very low emotional states - even depression.

I suggest you find a way to feel better than depression. Yes I know, it's much easier said than done. And jumping up to joy and happiness is likely too far a stretch from depression. You might want to start with getting a little angry. Wouldn't you rather be pissed off than depressed? And pissed off is likely more attainable than cloud 9 at the moment. Not that you want to stay angry, but it's a step up and in the right direction from depression. Maybe this little article of mine will piss you off. If so rejoice. Your life just got better than depression.

From there you can take another step, maybe up to frustration and then maybe on up to hopefulness. Keep walking it up by changing the meaning of the things that concern you. You get to decide what things mean. Discount the worst aspects of things and accentuate the best of them. It's those very decisions toward the negative, intentionally or by habit, that have brought you to this experiential state. Again, there is nothing wrong with where you are, it's just a place that feels lousy - and you don't have to stay there.

It's opting for new, intentional, choices that will move you somewhere you prefer. It's by constant vigilance of the kind of meaning you believe and apply to your life that that determines the quality of your experience. This could take a little time to re-track, so don't be quick to judge - which after all is much of the problem. Be deliberate in your meanings in a way that will bring change.

There is nothing here that can't be undone - unless you believe it can't - and it's beliefs such as that that have caused this issue. Again, the first step is to be okay with depression. It's just one type of experience, one that once recognized as just a misguided self creation, can be let go of and a new course set. It's really just a choice (your choice) to apply more favorable meanings, followed by the action of adopting those new meanings as your truth.

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Re: I feel like I'm dying and I don't know what to do

Postby Sighclone » Fri Apr 01, 2016 5:44 am

Hello whateveriam.

Eckhart parsed the sentence: "I can't live with myself anymore." And then he wondered (I paraphrase): "Hey, there must be two of us..."myself" and the One who can't live with "myself." Maybe only one of them is real. Suffering is real, but the sufferer is false. Guess what...the "little me egoic self" can go away, and you will be just fine.

Specifically: get medical attention that may well include for a while, perhaps a mild psychoactive medication that is somewhat different than you are using now. Start an exercise program, and consider taking a bit more vitamin D. Learn or re-learn some simple meditation technique. Consider that the "real" you is completely independent of the egoic identity that believes he/she will be miserable forever. Put your life plans on hold for 60 days...spend time in the immediate present moment - go back to the "present moment" - the exact precise right-now moment and just Be There. Even if only for a couple of seconds. A few times a day. I believe you will find it quite safe...(here is a secret: it's where you really live.) Get a copy of the audio CD "Stillness Speaks," by Eckhart Tolle.

And hang around here ... there are kind and wise members....and we all care.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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Re: I feel like I'm dying and I don't know what to do

Postby whateveriam » Fri Apr 01, 2016 7:14 am

Thank you guys for your help. I really appreciate it.

I had an experience with an Eckhart Tolle book back when I was 16-17 or something and it resonated with me ever since. If I knew back then what I was going to experience now, I never would've signed up, but that's pretty much bygone. I've recently been watching Adyashanti videos and he seems to make much more sense out of what Eckhart was saying, which I always felt mostly confused with, and now here I am, experiencing what I can only figure is ego death. Oh, how I hoped for it to happen not too long ago. Got my wish :? Any attempt I make to "go back" or try to find egoic restructuring (creativeness, friends, encouragement, etc.) just isn't doing it anymore. It only works temporarily. It's never too long until I'm right back.

Last night, though, I had a very interesting experience. For the first time this week, instead of fighting or running away, I just sat with my body and meditated. It wasn't a mental or inquisitive process - I just meditated and experienced the first legit relief I've had in a while. Lots of problems I took seriously, ones I wasn't even thinking of, lost weight. This has given me access to a lot of inner knowledge I never had before.

Of course, that's not to say this isn't absolute hell. I want to think negatively non-stop, feel guilt, remorse, regret, all the most horrible shit I can possibly think of. I want to constantly look for gratification and stave off the pain, even though I know it'll come back. I see what to let go of, such as seeking joy through my passions (which are no longer fun), and feel terror. "What the hell am I going to do if I let go of this?" is what runs through my head. Telling you what bothers me almost has no point because it's literally everything all at once. This is a very, very difficult time for me.

One of the things we realize when we become consciously aware of our true nature, is that we are none of the things we identify with. If you find that art is no longer enjoyable, then that's ok, simply realize that the art was not the source of your joy anyway, but instead mistakenly perceived as the source of your joy. Joy, is who we are at a deeper level. Joy is a natural expression of the love of living. Joy is therefore not dependent upon circumstances, it is a natural out flowing of our true nature when it is in alignment with existence, alignment with what is..


This is both interesting and terrifying. Not a place I want to go into.

It's opting for new, intentional, choices that will move you somewhere you prefer. It's by constant vigilance of the kind of meaning you believe and apply to your life that that determines the quality of your experience.


If only I knew how to go about this, or if I knew what it meant. My life situation, considering the grand scheme of things, is pretty gracious, but it honestly sucks. I'm still at home, never worked, no car, out of college with a few certs and I no longer see my school friends. This is extremely hard to get out of without trying to go back to college and pursue an actual degree. I feel like people in their late teens have achieved way more than me and I'm still on training wheels.

And hang around here ... there are kind and wise members....and we all care.


Thanks. I used this forum back in 2009 and kind of dropped out on it. I remember you and several others, this is just a new account.
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Re: I feel like I'm dying and I don't know what to do

Postby Sighclone » Fri Apr 01, 2016 6:01 pm

what -

Re-read A New Earth, and start with Chapter 9, "Your Inner Purpose." (He also talks about your Outer Purpose, too.)

As I read the last post, I'm struck by how many of society's (and probably your parents') ideas of success have created blame and shame in you. Read Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection" also, on this.
Shame is a sneaky and powerful force - it's one we cop to unconsciously and then it surfaces to start negative thought-streams. And it's one of the "I'm not OK" messages we seem to pick up in life, starting pretty early. "Buddha's Brain" (Hansen and Mendius) talks about them. They are deep and convincing, and I am certainly not immune. One showed up today, it felt quite familiar, and rather than dissing it off, I explored it. Here is an egoic response that actually worked to de-energize it significantly: "OK - here you are again...you stinky little feeling...where did you come from and why should I buy in to you? Did I fortify some jealous or vicious look from a cousin when I was four? And make it into a belief and march along? And now you show up? So, like you represent what unassailable standard that nobody actually reaches? Some kind of BS that comes from a boss who has no conception or belief in positive strokes. Are you the withering glare from some NYC society babe, turned into a suggestion of inadequacy that you want me to accept? Show me your silly-ass origin, and remind me again why I should accept that false discount."

But you have to let it sit there and own and feel it for a bit to start that kind of dialogue. It's real, it's false and it's very familiar.

The fact that you have not "achieved" what you think you should have is actually an important message. It says two things: 1) the standard of performance you have accepted as bestowing value is suspect, and 2) rethinking your entire life-trajectory is worthwhile. You might do well to take a vocational aptitude test. At worst, it would add a professional perspective on "what to do next." Also useful is "the work" by Byron Katie -- a cognitive way of de-energizing false beliefs. It is in "Loving What Is," page 15. Very powerful. It is like pressing the Reset button for Life (in your case.) Start a journal, also...yes that's a thinking tool, but also useful for clarifying what is surfacing. For you, the entry belief to "the work" might be: "I am a miserable failure and will be forever."

Last night, though, I had a very interesting experience. For the first time this week, instead of fighting or running away, I just sat with my body and meditated. It wasn't a mental or inquisitive process - I just meditated and experienced the first legit relief I've had in a while. Lots of problems I took seriously, ones I wasn't even thinking of, lost weight. This has given me access to a lot of inner knowledge I never had before.


Yup, that is how it works. Powerful recursive thought-patterns can be seen for what they are: "self-referential internal narrative" which is always just an option, never an imperative. You can choose to prefer some other activity. Moreover, when that stuff arises and you allow it some "space," you separate from it just a bit, and it sizzles in the crucible of Presence, and it loses power over you.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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