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Relationship brings out of me a incredibly strong pain body

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 11:27 pm
by Zazen
So I'm 22 and I'm in my first relationship with a much older woman for about 8 months. When I met her, I was meeting a lot of woman and I felt a very strong energetic pull towards her, and she did towards me. In fact, half of our first meeting was spent in a present silence and it felt good. For the first few months it was 100% good, until the pain body started arising. Then the painbody started hating her.
The mental pain of being split in 2,a part of me which hates her and a part of me which likes her, is strong and painful.
I tried to end this relationship 4 times so far, but I couldn't take the final leap. I talked her into having this relationship opened, but a part of me realises that this won't change my pain.
A very small highlight of one of her imperfections and the pain body is triggered. She does nothing wrong and I get extremely mad. It gets triggered very easily nowadays and it's persistent in length of time. If I stay with her 24 hours, it's impossible not to come up.
Being present while having one one of those angry breakdowns is like fighting a bear with a toy stick, it doesn't seem to change much.
Half the time I even believe in what the pain body says, because it seems so real, her imperfections ARE her imperfections. But when I return to peace, it all seems so insignificant.

So my question is: should I stay or should I leave the relationship?
Can I heal myself in due time? I've never experienced directly such a heavy pain body, it's completely overwhelming.
Or do you think that shifting to another relationship while taking the time in between to cool the painbody could help me? I've been wounded for the last months, maybe a few moments of peace are needed. The more I am staying, the more painful it becomes. I don't want to go in the extreme of the "self thought warrior" and get so wounded I never enter a relationship in my life.