Recovering from a Breakup / Confused with next steps.

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Recovering from a Breakup / Confused with next steps.

Postby Exist25 » Mon Aug 22, 2016 9:47 pm

Hello everyone,

This is my first post and I am glad to begin my journey under Tolle's teaching and as a part of this community. I am currently reading "The Power of Now" and am just beginning to delve into this realm of this concept so please bear with me. This post may be a little lengthy but I would like to explain the situation sufficiently. I do have a question in regards to Tolle's teachings after my backstory.

20 days ago, my ex and I decided to put an end to our 3 year relationship (she is female-25 and I am male-27). Although the breakup was amicable, I have not talked to her since the breakup in order to try and focus on myself and to heal. The reason we decided to part ways is because we did not see eye-to-eye financially. We both still live at home and are currently teaching part time (with the goal of becoming full time). We are also still paying off our student loans (mine is under $10k and I have relentlessly been paying it off while hers is ~40K and she just pays the monthly payments). Anyway this is where the arguments all stemmed from. I would also like to add that she is an only child who is used to getting everything she wants (mainly from her parents). She had the choice to have her loan paid off or have a brand new $40k car; she chose the car). While I was trying to be realistic about money and saving, she would always complain that her life was boring and that she wanted to go on trips/music festivals etc. She was very stressed out and would in turn buy makeup and clothing when she already had a lot of both. This is not to say she wasn't nice to me/wouldn't do things for me; she would, but everything was very materialistic. My parents began voicing their worry to me because they knew I didn't handle financial stress well. Throughout the relationship when my ex and I talked about marriage/children, I began finding it hard to see a future with her. As I mentioned before, she was very used to getting her way, so I would have very little say in most matters and began worrying how our future would look. Sometimes when I did things for her, she would eventually express that it was not good enough or that she wanted something else. Another red flag that comes to mind is when she told me that when we are living together, her loan would become mine. I understand that people help their SOs with their debts, but they way she said it was very entitled, like I had no other choice.

It all began to fall apart when I told her my feelings/concerns towards her constant need to spend money and have things that she didn't have. I told her that I eventually want to move out and start my life, rather than spend all this money on materialistic things that are only temporary. She became very upset/angry with me. She told me that she barely knew who I was anymore. I also mentioned to her about my parents' views, as she was sensing they were becoming distant with her (not something I agreed with but it was happening nonetheless). The next day we talked and she said she can't do this anymore. I agreed and said it is definitely for the best if we don't see eye-to-eye financially. She went on saying that if I can't accept that she likes buying herself things (something she learned from her father who buys everything brand new and doesn't use half of it), then we won't work. She went so far as saying "In the future I shouldn't be judged if I want to spend $1000 on a purse." I understand treating yourself, but in her current financial situation she wasn't very responsible with her money, and also wanted me to spend a lot on her. So that was that, we had our last hug and went about on our own paths.

If you have made it this far I thank you; I will FINALLY move on to my question :P . I have been doing a lot of self healing and reading up on self development. A couple days ago I came across Tolle's book "The Power of Now" and decided to give it a read. The first several chapters were very eye-opening. I was thinking to myself "This is AMAZING." I have begun feeling much better about my recent breakup because I am beginning to feel my presence (at least attempting to) and living in the NOW rather than letting my mind wander with the usual breakup thoughts and clutter.

Once I finished reading Chapter Eight: Enlightened Relationships, I became very conflicted. Almost as if my progress had immediately been lost. I can definitely relate to the concept of the love/hate relationship and the fact that I did become needy of my Ex and her validation. What has confused me is Tolle's mention of being the conscious one in the relationship even if your partner is always unconscious (as was very much so for my Ex). Is he saying that you should stay in a dysfunctional relationship and make it a spiritual practice even if the signs to part ways are there? Was I judging myself/her too much? Or was the incompatibility/ red flags too much? A quote from the book states, "So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the 'madness' in you and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for salvation." It seems as though Tolle is suggesting that you work though things and be that conscious being in the relationship even if the relationship is not working.

So here is where I am very confused. After these past 20 days of no contact trying to move on, and these past couple days of living in the now, I am wondering if I keep going on the path that I am on (no contact/live in the now) or try to get my Ex back and use these teachings to mend our relationship. I have mentioned the situation leading to the breakup because I wanted to paint a picture in order to help people answer this question. Would going back be a recipe for disaster/ a waste of time? I also understand that breaking no contact may also result in harming myself as I do not know if she has moved on or is with another person at this point.

Thank you so much for reading and I look forward to your responses.
Exist25
 
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Re: Recovering from a Breakup / Confused with next steps.

Postby Webwanderer » Tue Aug 23, 2016 12:37 am

Welcome to the forum Exist25. May I suggest that the most important relationship to cultivate and seek enlightenment with is the one with your own inner Self - alignment. The more at peace you are, and more familiar you are with your own natural being, the clearer your path is likely to be.

As to your ex girlfriend, you can't fix her. You can't take Tolle's, or anyone's, teachings and get another to buy in just because you saw the value in them. All paths to greater clarity are personal. Pointers, such as in Tolle's books, are quite useful, but it's a personal recognition that brings life changing insight.

My experience with relationships where the significant other has little concern for financial balance has always been problematic. Joint bank accounts under these conditions don't work very well and are always a point of contention. There are possible solutions, but often it's best to pass on the relationship in favor of peace of mind. One solution is find it in yourself to be less sensitive to a partners spending habits and find a way to be okay with the way things are. This never worked for me, however.

Another option is to have separate bank accounts and separate incomes. Normal household bills - rent, food, electricity, etc., and anything that both agree on - is split evenly. Personal income remains the possession of the one who earned it. Personal bills are the responsibility of the one who created the bill. This has worked quite well for me. Of course life is not always simple and a degree of flexibility is required. As a base concept however, it saves a lot of heartache.

If a potential partner cannot agree to this before lives are significantly joined, you may want to consider the wisdom of going forward with the relationship. It's sure to be a point of contention. There are no doubt potential partners out there who hold similar perspectives, and it's well worth the patience to await ones arrival.

What has confused me is Tolle's mention of being the conscious one in the relationship even if your partner is always unconscious (as was very much so for my Ex). Is he saying that you should stay in a dysfunctional relationship and make it a spiritual practice even if the signs to part ways are there?

I don't think he was saying to stay in a relationship at all. First, it's not for him to say, and I'm sure he would agree. I think he's saying: don't get sucked into unconsciousness, even if your partner is. If you are indeed conscious, you will feel the best path to take whether it's to stay or to go. Follow the path that feels the best. And don't beat yourself up for your decision however it comes out. Every moment offers another opportunity to choose a new path or to stay the course.

Exploring how a potential choice feels is almost certainly going to be the best course. And don't confuse emotions with feelings. Emotion is one type of feeling, but one that is often based in personal belief systems that may be out of step with a broader reality. Feel your way to solutions in the quietude of meditation, or clear present awareness. And make a conscious choice to enjoy the process. Enjoyment is a far better path to clarity than is frustration, anger, and fear.

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