Thanks dijmart you ve done a great job of describing exactly what I'm experiencing. I guess it will take a bit of time for my personality to blend and merge with awareness.
You (awareness) are the background to which the person you appear to be's personality can exist. An analogy- You are the screen, your personality, thoughts, feelings, etc are objects appearing upon that screen. Without the screen no personality could exist (although its not ultimately real). So, no merging will happen, ever. You are the witness to the personality. When your mind is relatively quiet you can notice this. However, to be clear, your personality is you ( awareness), but you are not your personality. In this way, they are "one" but not the same. As you never change, but your personality is ever changing.
Also, the ego has gotten a bad rap really, its a thought that just thinks it's real and is grabbing hold of what it can and the mind/intellect doesnt know any better to be able to over ride this thought, so it identifies with it. When you recognize within your mind (intellect) that you are awareness, not the person, the ego will settle down a bit after this Self knowledge assimilates. However, there is no merging, as the ego is a thought, an object on the screen, that you witness.
I'm heading off to take ayahuasca in two weeks have you have any experience with this kind of drug? I feel like I could do with some clarity on why I'm on this earth and have some close friends who have found it useful, healing and helpful aswell as fucking intense and scary.
No, I have not. Just know that whatever happens with taking this drug its in the arena of experience and will also just be witnessed by you awareness. Can it bring you to a point of recognition that you are what you are seeking? I don't know. Will it bring you a epiphany that will seal the deal for you? Again, I don't know, but I doubt it. Why do I doubt it? Because us humans are ignorant of our true nature do to a life time or many lifetimes of conditioning. As they say, ignorance is hard wired. It takes Self knowledge usually to get a clear understanding of the ontological order of things and then the actual recognition (Self realization) of you being the very thing you're seeking. Then you need to assimilate that knowledge.
My advice, don't do the drug, study Vedanta instead.
Shingworld.com is a great website for Westener's. You can read emails that are question and answer format, by Vedata teachers, that they list under a heading as Satsangs. Also, James Swartz and Ted Schmidt have youtube Satsang videos. I talk about them often, not because I have to, but because it works.
Take what you like and leave the rest.