This is the latest version of an essay that I posted earlier.
The Time We Still Spend in the Mind
I was blessed to have a Now where I felt truly present. I have had more, they come quicker.
But as beautiful as those moments are, I at least must still deal with the daily reality of the time I spend in my Mind. I have to spend time there to function in the World of My Reality, slips are frequent. Truth be told, I'm pretty sure I'm spending more time in my mind than I’m aware of. What has my Flashlight yet to reveal? Ego, you are the cutest little dust bunny and I find it almost impossible not to play with you. I really just want to take care of you, keep you safe and feed you. But ohhhh how you multiply and take up precious space when I do!
Cutesy analogies aside, I have to ask myself, am I "Mind shaming"? Something that is helping me is Surrendering to My Reality; my mind is my Mind is imperfect. But by diligently being The Watcher of my Mind, I not only observer my Mind, I improve my Mind! Just Watch and change is inevitable. If you just Watch, your Consciousness will eventually, inevitably find its way to negativity all on its own; you need do nothing but let it happen. And then, transformation begins as you finally realize that you CAN turn off the incessant mind that WILL NOT STOP EVER.... Until you let it happen with Conscious recognition of what it is.
As the Ego and Painbody slowly starve, interesting things happen as you begin to approach others without Judgment. Suddenly it is less about need, rather: "How do I Consciously choose to interact and present Myself to this Person. And from a practical standpoint, you start to have a LOT more cycles to actually do good, clear, productive work! Now suddenly, the time that you do spend in your Mind takes on a whole new meaning. It’s not such a bad place at all with proper housekeeping and maintenance! I must go into my Mind to forge my New Mind into an organism born from Consciousness. You must handle the pieces and parts to really observe them (some reassembly required). But let me warn you, some of those pieces and parts are dirty, nasty, bad! Early on, handling them will cause you pain as you peel back the lies and deceptions. Yet thus, day by day improvements in Mind are My Reality. And while I struggle with the knowledge that I am not at all who I thought I was, I am comforted by the Knowing that I am infinitely more! I am the Buddha, a few milli-seconds at time.......
However, daily life resumes where I could really use an exterminator for that pest Ms. Painbody. But of course, there is none; must track down the hidden food source. Flashlight getting brighter. Just Watch and let it happen. I wish no harm on any form of consciousness which is why I say "that bitch needs to DIE"! Oh my, was that a Judgment? See what happened; the Watcher stepped in and said, "Those are some strong words. Are you judging?" And my answer is no. I'm playing with words the way the mind does. I'm making a thing out of the Painbody as a mental exercise used to compose these words, when, in reality, it is no more real than the fanciful Ms. Painbody or the ridiculous Ego dust bunny. You can't judge something that is not real.
I am amazed at the steady and rapid progress of my Mind. Annoyance, bat it aside with hardly a Thought. Judgement, catch it quickly with your Attention before you feed it; do that enough, and you won’t even think it. Traffic jam, chores, just another opportunity to be Present. Emotion, now THAT you need to pay attention to. What is the source? Did you choose it, or did it choose you? Just Watch it long enough, and you will know.
As your mind heals, your ability to sustain presence increases. Then you realize quite suddenly that there is no more negativity being built up and there is an upwards trajectory without limit as the Painbody, and the Ego, and the Past die more and more with each passing day. I honestly wept tears of joy when it finally sunk in and I KNEW that I could be free of my mind and its pain. In that moment, I was free, and there was only joy of being. That is Past, and I Now find myself somewhere on a continuum of Consciousness, sometimes very high, sometimes near unconsciousness. But that state can never be again, at least for long. And all of this is OK because I KNOW where it is heading if I just continue to watch. Nothing more, just watch.
And I just gotta say it "Damn, it is GOOD to be alive" even while knowing in my Mind good has an opposite. But that is just a projected Future. Which I had not Thought about...... right up until I wrote these words...... Man, this stuff is messing with my Mind, and I kind of like it!
And so, that is the state of my Mind. It is imperfect and that is. Should I Choose to make further changes to my Mind, I can only do that NOW. And yet, in the most delightfully serendipitous way, I don't really have a choice any more. I can no more stop Watching than I can Breathing, and all I need do is let it happen.