What am I experiencing?

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What am I experiencing?

Postby Zazen » Wed Mar 29, 2017 8:58 pm

Here's what usually happens:
I take a practice, and practice it for a long period of time(being present, all is one etc)
Then after a while I decide to just let it go, because I either cannot maintain it enough or whatever.
When I let go, life feels SO intensely close and I just do whatever I want. Just the full acceptance of the moment. But- I also think a lot! It's just no barrier, I follow my first impulse, I eat bad food, I don't suppress anything.
The practice has a purpose. Letting go does not.

I understand the non-dual principles very well and I've had "intellectual awakenings", when I've felt the world to be a dream. Then I practiced all being one, it was very calm, but I couldn't maintain it in times of sickness for instance(although there were many days where I could maintain it almost fully). The mind always took over eventually.
So then I switched to full acceptance of whatever is.
Through practice I suffer. Through acceptance I do not suffer. However, in acceptance, I think a lot and I am very hyperactive.
In acceptance I understand the mechanism of suffering: trying to get rid of it = suffering, on every subtle level.
This acceptance happened today, and it has happened in the past, but I eventually forgot it.
Oh, the concept of personal self is still there from what I can tell. I am closer to life, but non duality was always intellectual for me, now that the intellect dropped for a bit I fully live in duality.

Anyone can explain what this is? How can I accept and still be in duality? Why do I think so much?
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