Eliminating Want from a person of interest/lover/partner

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Marie1992
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Eliminating Want from a person of interest/lover/partner

Post by Marie1992 » Mon May 01, 2017 1:32 am

Eckhart speaks about how in true love there is no wanting... When he says that I understand that but have yet to rid myself of the wanting. I am currently involved with someone on a "lover/friend" basis. In the beginning things were going very well but I noticed I (ego) wanted him to commit to me after only knowing him a couple weeks, which I knew was absurd and I didn't want to make anyone feel rushed to do such a thing so I was honest and broke things off with him, he understood but a few days later I changed my mind and told him I would like to still be in contact with him, he agreed but the vibe between us was totally different he was sort of cold and seemed annoyed understandably.

So we went back and forth talking and not talking, our connection just didn't seem mutual anymore I wasn't sure if he even liked me as much anymore..fast forward to now we are back at a place where we seem to be on the same page yet there still at times seems to be a not a purpose but a sort of coldness and distance from him and there has been no talk of commitment or a title, I guess those things that the ego wants lol.

Which brings me to my dilemma I really enjoy this person as a whole yet as a woman I have thoughts on where is this going and the such but I would like to keep enjoying him and keep letting things flow but I also don't want to what is called "play myself" I would like to continue and if it goes somewhere serious, fine if it doesn't, fine but there are times the like for him is so strong in my chest and stomach its almost overwhelming during those times I try to become present and aware. Meeting this person and the emotional pain that i've felt because of the situation was actually the thing that pushed me to awakening and finding out about Eckhart and his teachings.

To sum it all up how can I be in a place where I can be present in this, is it of ego to want to be in a committed relationship with someone? If a person really wants to be in a relationship they would be right? Those thoughts make me want to distance myself and bail, I can admit and take if someone feelings for me aren't the same but then there are times I want to continue to enjoy this person and allow him to be himself and not runaway because he has not made me his "girlfriend" yet.

This seems so immature yet I'm not sure what to do. I really just want to get out of this place of want for anything from him and trust that being present will lead me to the best decisions.. Can you like someone in an intimate way minus wanting anything from them? Thank you. :)

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eputkonen
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Re: Eliminating Want from a person of interest/lover/partner

Post by eputkonen » Mon May 01, 2017 5:06 pm

Wanting...needing in this way...is attachment. Here is an image I created a while ago:

Image

In this way Love and Attachment are two very different things. You ask, "can you like someone in an intimate way minus wanting anything from them?" I answer, most definitely.

My wife and I have been together for over 10 years now. I want nothing from her other than she is happy. So, if she came to me tomorrow and said she met someone else and to be happy she wanted to be with that other person, I would accept that and wish her well without hesitation. If that is what she needed to be happy, then I wish her well. I want her to be happy...and if that is continuing to stay with me, then I will enjoy it while it lasts. I say while it lasts, because I know it will end one day. If we don't break up, at some point one or both of us will die. Nothing is forever. So while our relationship lasts, I simply enjoy what is happening.

I do not try to cage her or claim ownership (she is mine). Someone might ask...why are you married then? She wanted it and it sounded like fun to me. But I have no illusion that a marriage contract is binding in some way. It is only a piece of paper. I do enjoy wearing the ring...but I don't seek commitment or security from it. If she changes her mind...she is free to. No hard feelings. I love her unconditionally. If I sought security and tried to manipulate her, then that is not true love...that would be attachment (with fear, anxiety, worries, etc. from the ego...and it never feels secure).

Not wanting anything from the other is important, but each person's "wants" need to be in line to some degree. My wife and I have things we would like out of life and mostly it is all compatible and in the same direction...we are both spiritual, like to travel, not concerned with possessions, like warm weather (looking to move in a couple years)/dislike the cold, etc. I have had several prior relationships that things did not work out because we were not well enough aligned. We were heading in different directions. I didn't expect them to change...I just simply decided to look for a more compatible partner in life. My wife and I are similar enough so that we are not trying to go in different directions in life...but different enough to make things interesting.

The only commitment I made was not to our relationship...but to her happiness and accepting her as she is.

Just my experience and understanding...may it help you in some way.
Namaste,

~ Eric Putkonen
@EngagedNondual on Twitter
Blog at http://www.EngagedNonduality.com - Insights into Nondualism and Living Awake & Engaged

sardinelover
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Re: Eliminating Want from a person of interest/lover/partner

Post by sardinelover » Tue May 02, 2017 2:54 am

Don't beat yourself up with the spirituality stick just because you like someone.

If you find them attractive, then what could be more natural than being attracted to them and wanting them?

What is most important for you is to be aware of the wanting both as a bundle of thoughts in your head and as bundle of emotions in your body. Watch the thoughts, feel the emotions. Then see what happens.
Relax your face

painBody
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Re: Eliminating Want from a person of interest/lover/partner

Post by painBody » Tue May 02, 2017 11:40 am

^ sardinelover - Well said ! +1

P.S. I love your signature quote. Is it yours ?

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