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not sure what to do

Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 6:35 am
by ixtlander
I try to listen to ekhart tolle almost every day. it's not an effort to do so, i enjoy listening to him and i can hear the ring of truth in what he says.
I caught in something and I am not sure what to do, if anything. since the age of 13 i've been watching pornography online, and it's escalated to spending money on
cam girls and prostitutes to belittle and humiliate me.
I don't know if it's my pain body that seeks this or another entity, I've heard ekhart speak of addictions as
entities in themselves. maybe all accumulations of energy can gain awareness if not self awareness. I don't know if that's it or my brain is so deeply embeded with the neural pathways the addictions created it is capable of producing so much dopamine at the thought of things involving my addiction that it just completely takes over me eventually and i end up spending money, too much money, and then i suffer. but i don't suffer enough. it;s like i dont care that im falling down this hole. ive lost all my friends because of it and my family has started to distance themselves a bit too. whats wrong with me? do i not want to be free enough to be free? is there much left of me or is this shell i reside in owned by my addiction now?
I had a plan to have the money i earn at work to be direct deposited into an account not under my control that would instead be under my mother's control, she's write my rent checks and i'd order groceries online and she'd do the checkout etc.. i confessed to watching porn on her work computer the other day and now she's canceled the bank account before even one check hit it and basically disowned me as her son.
i'm just not sure. or im unwilling? i dont know

if there's no one who has something to say to this that is alright. but i am trying.

Re: not sure what to do

Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:29 pm
by steve Davidson
Just a few thoughts and suggestions for you, but by no means am I a authority on this issue. Re-read parts of Tolles books or watch videos where he is talking about addictions, I am pretty sure he covers this in his material.

Do not be too hard on yourself, you have a addiction, a problem, but it is not you. It can be changed, stopped, ended. It does not have to continue. Yes, at this point, like any other addiction or habit, it seems hard to end, there is a physical, chemical association going on but with awareness it can be changed, stopped, ended.

Addiction is common and nothing to be that ashamed about, humans are caught up in this, you are not alone. Whether it is sex, food, gambling, shopping, drugs, alcohol, etc, the list is endless, humans can become addicted to about almost everything. But what was started, can be ended, it is not final nor eternal. There is not one addiction that is final, there is always a way out, if one wants it.

Awareness is key in my opinion, and you are somewhat aware of what is going on, even though you feel you cannot stop it. Bring more awareness to what you are doing, what you are feeling, what you are experiencing as it is happening. Watch it closely just as a cat watches a mouse hole. Learn everything you can about this addiction, see it in action, see it in process, just be aware of it.

Also, seek help for this if you cannot overcome this on your own. Join and participate a 12 step group or go to a therapist for help. You can definitely beat this and get your life back on track, in a healthier more positive way. And you will feel better about yourself and have better relationships.

Re: not sure what to do

Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2017 11:16 am
by DavidB
Addiction is the mistaken belief that pain and suffering can be relived by the same thing that causes pain and suffering. There is no such thing as addiction as such, but rather a compulsive, desperate desire to end pain and suffering through some form of escapism. A desperate and compulsive need to escape from ourselves, even just for a little while.

We cannot escape from ourselves of course, which is why addiction can become so destructive.

Re: not sure what to do

Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 5:22 pm
by ixtlander
thank you both very much for your replies.

Re: not sure what to do

Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 8:27 pm
by steve Davidson
Any update on your situation, anything else that has happened since you first wrote this? I hope you are finding some help or relief from this, for addiction can be painful.

Re: not sure what to do

Posted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 6:47 pm
by ixtlander
Hey Steve. Thank you. I have started seeing a counselor and have had some improvement. I no longer spend money on my compulsion however I do seem to still get trapped into looking at women on a screen. I tend to watch a lot of people playing videogames on youtube and twitch, and it seems at some point i find myself looking at pornography instead. and I know when it's happening but it has so much momentum.
When it starts to arise I try to observe its energy within my attention and that has worked on occasion, however not always and that may have more to do with my wanting or not wanting enough to change. I want to be open to anything people here have to say about this.

Re: not sure what to do

Posted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 1:48 am
by steve Davidson
Thanks for the update. Glad to hear you are making some progress, seeing a counselor and cutting back spending money on this addiction. Hopefully you can reconcile and become closer to your family again, since you are seeking help and trying to end this costly addiction, both financially and with your family/friends.

Yes, old habits die hard and seem to have a momentum of their own. Best to avoid places that will stimulate your old ways. Just like a alcoholic is best to avoid bars and places that serve alcohol, you might seriously want to think about staying away from youtube or places that trigger your old behavior, at least for awhile, until you get a firmer control over this.

I dont have any specifics to offer, maybe someone else can, but so happy to hear that you observing what is happening when it is happening and seem to be aware of what is going on, that is a great start. Keep up the good work and stay vigilant and attentive and you will beat this.

Re: not sure what to do

Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:14 pm
by ixtlander
Thank you Steve.