What can I do with my own self deprecating shadow

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What can I do with my own self deprecating shadow

Post by jtightlips21 » Sun Jan 07, 2018 5:33 am

I would best describe this as the misanthropic tendencies that sees people having no inherent dignity unless they conform to arbitrary rules. Frankly I hate the tendency in myself and have up until a few weeks ago never acknowledged it within. However, I notice that I hate when people display those characteristics against me, themselves or other people. However, I notice in myself that I am easily offended by criticism, arbitrary restrictions, or judgmental viewpoints. I remember watching a video by Noah Elkrief where he spoke about being bothered by bullies is due to something within that believes or takes seriously what someone has said. So I can see how it can be all too easy to blame the person who wronged you for putting some self deprecating idea in your head, and act like they are a psychological tyrant. But the more I look, I see that there is something within, which I would say is similar to the superego or the collective ego that gets its ideas of right and wrong from the external environment. Then I notice myself getting agitated with those traits in others, which years back would refer to these people as sheeple. But I still see myself getting irritated with people who get all their morals from some external entity, such as people who quote their scriptures, or as I used to refer to them as "Bible Thumpers".

So I know that this is all in my own head that allows self deprecating thoughts. However, I feel bothered about why they are there in the first place. I have notices these thoughts since I was 19 years old and in my first year of secondary education. I had noticed within that I was becoming more and more easily offended by negative comments I had seen on the internet, and when teachers were overly critical. I think it was when I was 21 that I started becoming very proud and self righteous as a way to defend myself from this self deprecation. However, I still feel bugged about why I have a sense of self deprecation to begin with. It seems utterly pointless. I sometimes feel that this is just part of the mature adult consciousness that recognizes the world does not revolve around me. But the alternative of self deprecation seems just as egocentric as pride. I find for myself that I have a tendency to look highly upon my morals as being so humanitarian and dignifying, while looking down on those who display degrading morals. But I feel like I am doing the same degrading behavior only under a humanitarian facade. But I really don't understand why I have self deprecating thoughts, and I dont know what to do with them. On one hand I hate the self deprecating side due to its degrading nature. But I cannot help but wonder if I really need to hate it, which in the proud mode does not want to hear anything that challenges this high view of myself.

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Re: What can I do with my own self deprecating shadow

Post by turiya » Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:01 am

jtightlips21 wrote:What can I do with my own self deprecating shadow
Don't do anything. Just watch it.

See what happens to it when you are just the one watching it arise and play in you.
jtightlips21 wrote:I still feel bugged about why I have a sense of self deprecation to begin with.
Maybe it's just an idea of yourself that is bugged about another idea you have of yourself?

And you are neither the one idea nor the other. You are just the Awareness of them.... Watch them come, appear to stay, then go.
“We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather are we Reality itself illusorily conceived.” - Wei Wu Wei

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Re: What can I do with my own self deprecating shadow

Post by Onceler » Tue Jan 09, 2018 2:00 am

I appreciate your honesty and clear articulation of something I think we all deal with. I like the Noah Elkreif quote, but a good quote won’t change ones life, necessarily. I don’t have any answers and just wanted to acknowledge your honesty and to say that I also struggle with this.

I will say that I typically accept this as part of my character rather than fight it and try not to act on this bias as much as possible. But then I’m a middle aged man who has maybe made this accommodation?
Be present, be pleasant.

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