
I suffer with Pure O which is a form of ocd where one has constant obsessive thoughts rather than compulsions like excessive hand washing etc. I read the Power of now and having been practicing presence. Sometimes I can stay aware for hours or even days and just let obsessive thoughts go which feels amazing.
But then sometimes I get completely defeated by horrendous negative thoughts loops and its as if I forgot the whole practice. This can also last for hours or days.
They obviously hit me when I'm not conscious enough but they hit me like a freight train. Its like I have a fear of getting stuck in the loop and when I fear it, it happens. Its like a knee jerk resistance when I don't even feel like I'm trying to resist. Then I try to step out which sometimes works depending on the momentum of the negative thoughts and physiological tension. Its like I get sucked into a vortex and can't get out. Its extremely stressful, scary, and irritating.
I have a huge pain body from a bad childhood and tried to escape my mind for 17 years through substance abuse. Luckily I'm clean now and never looking back. Anyway I think that years of trying to push thoughts and anxiety away created a very strong habit that's ingrained in my head so its like a knee jerk reaction to resist even if I'm trying not to. I'll put my attention back into my body and I'll feel enormous tension everywhere. So then I try just watch it but the tension just stays and doesn't dissolve. I guess I must be looking at it with resistance during these times. This leads to thoughts that its not going to go away which leads to more tension and thoughts. Other times when I'm very present I can watch it and it does dissolve.
Other than when happens though I'm able to stay present to a good degree and this stuff is easily dismissed. But other times I get stuck in it completely.
Thanks guys