Self hatred after messing up something sacred to me

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alchemizt
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Self hatred after messing up something sacred to me

Post by alchemizt » Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:25 pm

I experienced this heart awakening a few years ago and my level of consciousness and life force sky rocketed. A year after that I experienced such a deep crash, I shutdown and felt like I'd lost huge parts of my soul. I went into a state of hopelessness which I couldn't hide, I stopped trying to hide it and went into a kind of vegetative state. The people I care about around me saw this, I have the most tremendous guilt and shame about this. I shoulda put more effort in even if it was impossible to hide the downfall, I shoulda done more. I feel like I violated my spiritual path and have become an evil, bad person. For months my mind was going crazy telling me that I created so much bad karma that I'm destined to be reborn in hell after I die in this life and that this life gonna degenerate into a hellish one. Things have been kinda degenerating. I feel pretty doomed and my self esteem is so low that its like reversed into self hatred. I see Eckhart Tolle talks about these kinds of tragedies as catalysts for awakening, does this apply even to these self created tragedies? Feels like I messed up on a spiritual level, like its the worst thing anyone can do violating the spiritual path like that.

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kiki
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Re: Self hatred after messing up something sacred to me

Post by kiki » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:06 pm

I see Eckhart Tolle talks about these kinds of tragedies as catalysts for awakening, does this apply even to these self created tragedies?
It certainly does. What's past is past, and no amount of self-flagellation and guilt can change what happened. Repeatedly beating yourself up for something in the past only keeps the momentum of guilt going, and that prevents you from actually living in the only moment where life CAN be lived, the present moment. This moment is pristine, and wide open to possibilities, but dwelling on past regret obscures the purity of this moment.

Become fully present to this moment, the only moment that matters, the only one that actually exists. By fulling embodying this moment the stories of the past along with their accompanying regret are deprived of the oxygen to keep them alive. That "oxygen" is your attention. Divert attention into the here and now where life is, where existence is, where You are. Not the you of your imagination, but the You of existence itself, your true essence.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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Webwanderer
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Re: Self hatred after messing up something sacred to me

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Aug 14, 2018 7:37 pm

alchemizt wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:25 pm
I have the most tremendous guilt and shame about this. I shoulda put more effort in even if it was impossible to hide the downfall, I shoulda done more. I feel like I violated my spiritual path and have become an evil, bad person. For months my mind was going crazy telling me that I created so much bad karma that I'm destined to be reborn in hell after I die in this life and that this life gonna degenerate into a hellish one.
Life is not meant to be lived in 'shoulda'. Or for that matter in coulda or woulda. The only life you will ever live is the one in this now moment - even if that is in a now moment of imagination of past memories or future possibilities. The imagining is still a now experience albeit a divergence from our immediate surroundings. Lost in thought is still now, simply because it cannot be otherwise. Now is all there is. Who you were is only relevant to the degree you focus on past experience, and therefore continue to recreate it rather than who you now choose to be that is more in your best interest.

You cannot experience the beautiful, loving, person that you are, that is your essence, while you live in focus of past events that you judge so harshly. You condemn yourself for a past you dislike and only serve to continue the construct in the present that created the experience you want to be free of. Rather than condemnation, see it as a gift in the knowledge of how painful experience can develop and choose another way.

Understand about hell. There is no hell save for our own creation. It's a condition of mind, not a place you can be condemned to. If you want to avoid such a state of mind, choose a new way of thinking. Start with forgiveness. As there is no one of consequence condemning you for the past you fear, the only forgiveness of any consequence is that you offer yourself. At this moment 'go forth and sin no more'. It's as simple as that. Remember, 'at this moment'. That's all there is. So no matter what happens, what you do out of your current conditioning, this moment is always the beginning of a new way of life - if you choose it.

If you don't, you will only be the victim of your own choices. There is no judgment, eternal or otherwise, that does not originate in your own mind.

Consider, in the context of forever, what happens in this life or any other is but a microcosm of a far greater reality that is our home. We've all made decisions in our life that we regret making. Actions we regret taking. But it's less important what we did than what we do now. Because now is where the rubber meets the road. And as every now moment quickly fades into a memory, it offers an eternal opportunity to move forward, to grow, to evolve. Life experience flows through us. Yes, we point the arrow of attention and context in ways that significantly effects the experience we have, but it is a consideration of that very experience that offers up opportunities to make changes in the ways we perceive things and thus interact with them.

Give yourself a break. You're worth it. We all are. Stop looking back with self-harming condemnation. Rather integrate what you've learned from the past and make it a foundation of strength. We all have to do the same in our own ways if we're to find the alignment and love that is inherent in us all. We are not simply human beings. We are extensions of something far greater that is our whole self. You are part of this whole, and it will always be with you unconditionally. Think about it. Dwell upon it. Like the prodigal son, it awaits your return. However long it takes. It's just a choice.

WW

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Re: Self hatred after messing up something sacred to me

Post by NuanceOfSuchness » Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:50 pm

Hi. That seems like quite a fall. The angst you convey brings to mind Buddhist terms known as nama and rupa meaning name and form or concept and object. Preoccupation with mind structures (nama) and form (rupa) or body in this case could very well define the trajectory of karmic energy after the current physical form has ceased existing but I wouldn't get too hung up about that. To put it another way, the action you speak of has happened and now only exists in the realms of your organic matter as reverberating energy. Unless you come to terms with this, it will continue in its current state for however long. How does your thinking mind contribute to its proliferation?

When mind and feeling collide as formless energies it creates a kind of swirling vortex a little like the thermodynamic effects of a tornado. Sometimes it can be helpful to separate mind and feeling by noticing: "there's mind structures... there's feelings" and place your attention squarely in the space between them. Whilst in that space become intensely curious about how mind and feeling try to form their dialogues. This takes energy away from the cycle of mind and feeling. It's important to know that there is nothing to do here, just observe. If it feels like there's 'doing' then mind has returned.

This is an excellent 25 minute talk on what Eckhart terms the 'pain body' that you may find helpful. Try to forgive the odd sounding synth in the background. The up-loader felt the need to add dramatics perhaps because the words weren't interesting, I don't know!

https://youtu.be/_7H6G8g40Vo

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