PLEASE HELP : I am scared of my new found awareness.

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PLEASE HELP : I am scared of my new found awareness.

Post by life_is_music » Fri Sep 21, 2018 11:29 pm


I hope I'm not asking for too much time on your hand, but I wish someone would guide me through this new feeling.

Back story :
I'm in my mid 20's and a few months ago I had hit rock bottom (by personal standards of success) and I was battling my substance addiction (weed), which I blamed for my weaker/loser self. I was constantly stuck in a mental loop of replaying my worst habits, my mistakes, and I grew anxious about the future after finding myself financially and mentally unstable.

In these past few months, I desperately researched meditation (I wasn't keen on attaining enlightenment). First I started with eastern yoga, practiced it a few times, but I discovered that there are dangers in doing yoga wrongly (something to do with energy awakening and wrongly redirecting it) and discarded it to avoid causing more damage. I had discovered Eckhart Tolle and his teachings REALLY made sense, about the voices in the head and not being able to live in present moment.

More recently, I had been actively reminding myself to focusing on breathing and present moment and being aware about my surroundings. Unfortunately due to some events, in the past few weeks, I had pushed myself into believing that I would kill myself if certain things didn't go right. But one evening after an emotional breakdown and losing all hope, I simply slept on the thought. Next day, I was simply watching cars moving on the street. The cars were moving VERY SMOOTHLY, and I REALIZED, like REALLY REALIZED this one thought - "This is it, life is here and it's happening right now" and something unlocked within me.

I suddenly SANK into this feeling of simply existing without literal sense of past or present. I REALIZED for the first time in my life, as if it wasn't completely obvious, that the concept of time is merely a reference point and all of the life is happening right now. And what 'unlocked' from this 'epiphany' was this extremely heightened awareness of everything that I look at, simply existing, going at the same pace as me. I've lost sense of time, I am not dysfunctional, on the contrary, I've never felt more conscious and focused in my life, so much at ease and peace with everything that simply IS.

I am in no way brainwashing myself to avoid my problems and things that didn't seem right, I am suddenly capable of simply being around people, I interact with them much easily, I am usually in a lighter mood and although life situation hasn't completely flipped, I realize that change will come through me and I am more motivated to bring those changes. I am not abandoning anything, I actually have more clarity on the problems.

Nothing has changed about me except the fact that I feel more powerful of my actions, but this heightened sense of awareness and the present moment is making me uneasy. One might say it does feel a little dreamy and unreal, but that doesn't concern me, what scares me is this - if my brain/mind/senses were always capable of this awareness, how have I NEVER felt this way EVER in my life? I don't remembering having this streamlined smooth river-like awareness on present moment at all times, Now I feel life was always around me but I simply never paid attention.

Ironically, as I think about the awareness itself, I cannot stop thinking what if I've messed up my neurological whatever because sometimes I feel strain on my eyes from simply being so aware, but mentally/emotionally/physically I am joyful and inspired, still the same guy, but I walk/drive/shower/sit with this heightened widened perception of things that makes me question my very own senses.

Can someone tell me this is OKAY? Am I enlightened or I am close to going nuts? JUST TO CHECK, I did smoke weed again after 'becoming aware', and for first time in my life IT HAD NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER. I feel high all the time, but without losing any sensory control. I don't feel the need to do drugs/smoke anymore.

Please guide me, I would really appreciate some insight into this change which seems more permanent than I'd like to it be for now. Everything is okay but this is VERY NEW to me. I swear on my life, I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

Thank you.

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Re: PLEASE HELP : I am scared of my new found awareness.

Post by Sighclone » Sat Sep 22, 2018 3:32 am

Welcome lim!

First: If you feel suicidal, please close this post and contact a professional immediately.

That said, I notice that you are articulate and literate, suggesting a good education, and a good mind. That is a mixed blessing because, as with ET, a good mind can be a trap (the ego is a "false self based on an unconscious identification with the mind") (probably a slight paraphrase from about page 30 in PON.). The experience of awakening is really, ultimately non-mental. It just happens...could be washing the dishes, doing a yoga pose, or contemplating the Present Moment...or anything else, including watching the traffic. Pure Awareness, Unity Consciousness, Self-Realization, Brahman, the Enlightenment Experience is becoming more common than even ten years ago. It sounds to me like your experience was very authentic. And that you will need a period of integration because it was also disorienting (also very common.) I made the same kind of rather desperate appeal to this forum over ten years ago after a very similar event.

So, given my opinion of your event, RELAX. It was real, it was a life-defining moment that you will never forget, the "aftershocks" of which will never leave you. The following happens to most people: 1) the mind finally wraps itself around what happened as much as it can and accepts it, 2) your identity as "...whatever your name is...." will have to change to include this vast experience of Flow, and the absence of your need to thrash around as an independent agent in that Flow. 3) You will be able to recognize your personality as "your name" hasn't really changed much - be happy with that: recognizing Self does not mean discarding old versions of "little me." It only means that now you know that the egoic identity as the solitary defended, contracted self is arbitrary and ultimately artificial. 4) After a bit, old fixations and non-productive habits may resurface as one of a variety of stresses. Awakening means that formerly unconscious neuroses are now exposed to Presence. For me, it was envy, sneaking in the back door one day as I was looking at a fancy house...I had to stop my bike and just sit with it..."Wow...this is/was really a big part of 'little me.'" It was ultimately a good moment, in that I could forgive myself for it and go forward. Oh yes, it came back a few more times, also...until it didn't.

Are you "enlightened?" Can't answer that. Did you have a breakthrough of some kind? That seems to be the case. I would remind you that:
"There are, strictly speaking, no enlightened people, there is only enlightened activity".(Shunryu Suzuki.)

Keep us posted, and thanks for joining. But please stop using colored fonts. This forum has some "rules" here:

I am interpreting Rule 7 to include colored fonts.

A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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