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Self or Nothingness, a choice

Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2018 9:30 pm
by fallingIntoNow
Suffering or choosing "Nothingness". That is the theme of this post, and I thank you for indulging me and reading it.

I am coming off the tail of a flare-up of my pain-body. This is where I feel "out of control" and unable to reel back from my thoughts, which create a nightmarish reality. These episodes can sustain for days and weeks. Fortunately, I was able to curb its destructive tendency by focusing hard and steady on the presence of this moment; I went to a quiet park at night and sat there, trying to taste the stillness.

In these moments I tried sensing my body, where the sticky, acidic emotions reside. I wanted to feel them, from a place of objectivity. I wanted to realize that they were not me. I wanted to rise above.

This brings me to the crux of this post. Choosing suffering or nothingness. For when I bring my attention more fully to the presence of this moment, I feel like I am leaving myself behind. But there are parts of this self that I love and cherish. My compassion, my curiosity, my creativity. I feel like by going into the nothingness of this moment, I am abandoning these traits that make me "me". I am afraid of being "nothing".

Now I imagine one of you may say that it is a choice between suffering and peace but can there be redeeming qualities in the suffering? Can there be loss or grief in the peace?

Thank you

Re: Self or Nothingness, a choice

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:48 pm
by rachMiel
Choosing suffering or nothingness.

Neither sounds like much fun! Although nothingness, if done up right a la Buddhist emptiness can be massively freeing.

Are you sure you need to pick one or the other?