Hardcore intense pain-body

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CheescakeFactory
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 9:37 pm

Hardcore intense pain-body

Post by CheescakeFactory » Sat Feb 09, 2019 10:20 pm

Hey guys,

this forum doesn't seem that active, but I'll give it a try.
I'm all into growing and being present and I have managed to improve my life a lot. That is wonderful.

But there is one topic that I'm still stuck with. Now for 15 years. I experienced that state the first time when I was 15 years old.

Certain situations that just happen in our life and in our world trigger me so fucking hard. Just one example: my boyfriend can not see me for 2-3 weeks because he has a lot going on. That's normal, it happens. I'd be fine with feeling a little sad here and there, missing him here and there. That's not 100% present, but I'd be fine with that.

But what actually happens is that I have to try to do activites all day to not go crazy. And if I can't fill my day 100% (for example in the evening I'll be alone just like right now) and I will feel SUCH intense PAIN in my mind and body. It drives me crazy. It makes me want to punsh me, cut me, do drugs, kill myself. I don't think anything conciously, I just feel. So I can't work with thoughts. So I try to work with this crazy feeling. I try to just feel it. To be present with it.
But then I'm present with such strong pain and it doesn't leave and it doesn't get weaker. Sometimes it gets stronger if I stay present with it. Sometimes it stays the same. I try to feel it. That's all I do. I try to locate it in my body and stuff like that.
But then, at one point, I feel like I can not possibly withstand that pain. Then I go back to distraction. Until I can't distract myself anymore because the pain gets too intense. Sometimes I will do shit like drugs, cut myself, punsh myself... sometimes I won't. I will not feel better until I can see my boyfriend again. I might be able to feel peace and presence every now and then even in times like that, but as soon as this pain comes back I get lost again.

And it's just a feeling, right? But it's SO FUCKING PAINFUL.

SputnikSweetheart
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Sep 05, 2014 3:04 pm

Re: Hardcore intense pain-body

Post by SputnikSweetheart » Sun Feb 10, 2019 3:11 am

Hi dear forum member,

I am very sorry you have to go through this. Sometimes pain bodies have an existence of their own, it's like they are separate entities living within you that lurk their ugly heads whenever there's some sort of trigger.

I have suffered from mental illness myself, so I fully empathize with you. It seems like you're doing the right things: visualizing where the pain is coming from, trying to just feel the pain and be preset with it, accept it for what it is right NOW. A big CONGRATS on that! You should be proud that you can be present with your feelings in the face of mental illness. This is a VERY hard thing to do. Write it maybe in your gratitude journal if you have one -- if not, make one :)

However it seems that being present with your feelings does not guarantee 100% that you won't act upon your urges. It seems like your pain body is making you do things that are very harmful to yourself: cutting yourself, doing drugs... I think given your situation, you should talk to a mental health practitioner in your area IN ADDITION to your mindfulness/meditation practices. He or she may be able to advise you on the proper therapy or medication to take. You should be able to talk to your doctor comfortably about the trade-offs of any medications that is prescribed to you. Do not in any way be ashamed to talk openly about your mental issues, just in the way you have described them to us here.

From the mindfulness/meditation side I think you are doing the right things. Perhaps sitting longer periods of time would be helpful. Deepening your focus and improving your discipline would I'm almost certain help you stop destructive urges you may feel.

Right now my pain body has taken quite along vacation, so KNOW there is hope! With the right therapy, medication, and mindfulness practice you may be able to deal with the pain body better. Try to find the right combination, don't give up hope and lastly, don't give up on your mindfulness practice. It is ultimately the right guide to help you deal with the problems you're facing...
“Such certainty is beautiful, but uncertainty is more beautiful still”

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Loffe
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2018 6:24 am

Re: Hardcore intense pain-body

Post by Loffe » Sun Feb 10, 2019 7:49 am

CheescakeFactory wrote:
Sat Feb 09, 2019 10:20 pm
...
But then I'm present with such strong pain and it doesn't leave and it doesn't get weaker. Sometimes it gets stronger if I stay present with it. Sometimes it stays the same. I try to feel it. That's all I do. I try to locate it in my body and stuff like that.
But then, at one point, I feel like I can not possibly withstand that pain. Then I go back to distraction. Until I can't distract myself anymore because the pain gets too intense. Sometimes I will do shit like drugs, cut myself, punsh myself... sometimes I won't. I will not feel better until I can see my boyfriend again. I might be able to feel peace and presence every now and then even in times like that, but as soon as this pain comes back I get lost again.
...
Hi CheescakeFactory.

My experience is that trying to be with pain without enough presence in myself was hard. It's like thin ice between observing/being with pain and being the pain. You might want to try not to feel feelings but feel body sensations. Go into the inner body and try to feel different parts of it, then feel part where is pain then feel other parts. You can also breathe and hold attention there and why not do some physical activity like walking. Point is not to give full attention to pain body but realize that it is not you and you have a choice to not feed it. After realization, you can go more into pain without become pain. That's what worked for me.

Good luck!
Loffe

PureLand
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2018 9:28 pm

Re: Hardcore intense pain-body

Post by PureLand » Sun Feb 10, 2019 5:56 pm

As SputnikSweetheart said a mental health practitioner's guidance can be helpful to you and as Loffe said you can go to the inner body or concentrate on your breath and then gradually put more attention to your pain body. With more practise you will be able to observe the pain body for longer periods of time without completely identifying with it.

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