Is it worth telling someone that something they did upset you?

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Amygdaland
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Is it worth telling someone that something they did upset you?

Post by Amygdaland » Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:08 am

This may be kind of vague, but every time I find myself in this position of being "offended" or "hurt" by something a friend, partner, or family member said or did, my first reaction would be to make it known in some way.
However, I have second thoughts and doubts in my mind, as I convince myself that it's pointless - only the ego is hurt; my "true self" cannot be hurt by others' words or actions. I am aware that the words or action itself did not directly cause me to become upset, it only triggered a part of my painbody that already existed. There is a subconscious personal fear that arises due to my thoughts and assumptions I made in reaction to the event, and that is why I feel upset.

All of that being said, I still recognize myself to be an imperfect human, and I am still unconscious to a certain degree. My question is: should we communicate to the other person that we're upset? If so, what would be the point of doing so?
When I consider telling them, I notice that I'm looking for some kind of rectification (in the form of an apology) or reassurance that they did not do or say whatever they did deliberately to cause me suffering. This leads me to counter that with thoughts such as "nobody is responsible for making you feel better". Ultimately, they don't owe me anything to make it right, and acting as if they do would be putting the control over my inner state onto others.
What are your thoughts?

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kiki
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Re: Is it worth telling someone that something they did upset you?

Post by kiki » Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:42 am

Keep in mind that the other person is most likely acting in an unconscious way or acting from their own pain body. Letting them know you are hurt/offended can begin a cycle of defensiveness between the two of you. Here's a chance for you to let things drop, and instead of repressing your reaction of feeling offended just see it as your own pain body looking to keep itself alive and kicking. Give it space to be present if it arises and watch it. That will give it a chance to expend its energy and free up more space in you. Think of this as "grist for the mill" in your own awakening.


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smiileyjen101
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Re: Is it worth telling someone that something they did upset you?

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sun Mar 10, 2019 6:29 am

Maybe it's worth honouring that you are experiencing upset in the moment - regardless of, and consciously free of, any expectations on any other.

Whether this is ego reacting, or a recognition of your own triggers, or an unkind exchange of energy from one intending to hurt, honesty with your self and with others, is the highest form of love.

So the response might be light-expressed 'ouch, ego death', or 'ouch, pain trigger', or 'ouch, what was that about?' (confusion)
It's neither denying your particular experience of a thing, nor energising it into a 'truth of all things'.

Merely touching where it physically hurt and saying 'ouch', or the name of the body part where it was felt. Sometimes it may only be ego, but sometimes it can be heart or mind as we transfer energy between us.

Ego would try to twist this as a means to an end, a passive aggressive covert way to 'impress' your pov on them, but if it can be purely done it can be helpful for honest and respectful relating - sharing of a moment.

Dr Elisabeth Kubler Ross discussed 'natural emotions' the pure energy before we twist it into something else (e.g. natural anger lasts just 15 seconds, long enough to process a thing and say 'no thank you', anything longer than that we are twisting it into revenge, rage, retribution or victim hood; jealousy is the energy that allows us to notice something we would like or like to be that we don't have yet - it's an inspiration - wanting to deny others that which they have is not. It's a twisted version of lack with negative intention, rather than positive inspiration etc.) love is the energy of recognition of oneness.

Dr John Gottman speaks of 'something happened' and holding space for the potentials of what that 'something' was for each of the participants.

The Dalai Lama holds that, just because someone wants to give you something - a gift, or a comment or an insult, doesn't mean you have to accept it, you can let it pass right by, or leave it with them in respect that they were its creator, and you have chosen not to take it into you.

No choice is wrong, it just brings a different experience.
So sometimes it will be 'worth' ... whatever it's worth to you - whether it is worthy of you, is a choice in the moment.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

Louis More
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Re: Is it worth telling someone that something they did upset you?

Post by Louis More » Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:00 pm

Amygdaland wrote:
Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:08 am
This may be kind of vague, but every time I find myself in this position of being "offended" or "hurt" by something a friend, partner, or family member said or did, my first reaction would be to make it known in some way.
However, I have second thoughts and doubts in my mind, as I convince myself that it's pointless - only the ego is hurt; my "true self" cannot be hurt by others' words or actions. I am aware that the words or action itself did not directly cause me to become upset, it only triggered a part of my painbody that already existed. There is a subconscious personal fear that arises due to my thoughts and assumptions I made in reaction to the event, and that is why I feel upset.

All of that being said, I still recognize myself to be an imperfect human, and I am still unconscious to a certain degree. My question is: should we communicate to the other person that we're upset? If so, what would be the point of doing so?
When I consider telling them, I notice that I'm looking for some kind of rectification (in the form of an apology) or reassurance that they did not do or say whatever they did deliberately to cause me suffering.
Hello, all the answers are great, even yours. Be present when these events are happening and you won't be drive by your painbody, if the feeling is too strong take a time breathing and resting in awareness.

The only thing I'd like to add is, if the person who is treating you badly doesn't know that, how could it will get better? We know that the ego is the one been hurt, but we have to communicate, doing this will make the relationships with partner, coworkers, family works better. If we talk with presence the conversation will bring awareness to the situation and to the person.

Thanks

Guy Struggles
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Re: Is it worth telling someone that something they did upset you?

Post by Guy Struggles » Tue Aug 13, 2019 1:23 pm

IMO I pretty much think that if someone has upset me, firstly I must consider that I've had or am having an ego reaction and not taken time to have perhaps a more presence or 'space based' response, which may well mean saying nothing at all. Of course trying to ignore something that has wildly upset you must be dealt with surely in some way even if punching or screaming into some pillows to allow the body/form to disperse that energy. Also, if someone has in fact done wrong by you it is very likely that they have done unto you from their far from conscious being so there would be little to no point in trying to 'reason' with them IYKWIM. Hopefully you (we) rise to a better place via spirituality (in my case almost exclusively per ET's teachings) and in almost an instant or better *instantaneously* realise that here we have a person who is in fact unconscious and therefore can easily offend in any manner of ways. 'They are out there' and I say that fully admitting I was once one of them! So to 'tell someone' they've upset you... well... maybe, but maybe not. Every chance it will be a pointless exercise that could draw you back into unconsciousness yourself. Otoh, I'd be happy to hear from anyone with more XP than I. I'm only into my 5th year of spirituality. Life is so much better now, thank god. Alas I am pretty damn good at being NOW. Hallelujah. I'm alive, by the miracle of knowing 'now' I'm alive.

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