Marriage/Divorce

This is the place to post whatever questions you have related to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. The rest of us will do whatever we can to help you achieve a better understanding :)
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SamiT
Posts: 65
Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2018 9:11 pm

Marriage/Divorce

Post by SamiT » Mon Jan 27, 2020 9:52 am

Oh gosh. I don’t know what to do.

I am still fairly new to Eckhart’s work and other spiritual teachings. I have a very anxious mind following a near death experience a few years ago so I suffer greatly everyday with anxiety/fear.....I’ve had/having more therapy and have tried anxiety medications.

I am also in a 12 step fellowship. Not a good catch am I?

My husband and I have only been married for well nearly 5 years now and we are not getting along at all. He can be quite angry at times, quite selfish...for example (and as childish as it sounds) we share a car, I work in another town whilst he works in our home town so I need the car for work. The screenwash light came on the dashboard the other day and he asked me if I had filled it up, I hadn’t and he threatened to take the car off me.

I have an 11 year old daughter too.

I feel indebted to him as when I nearly died he was the one who saved my life and I know it must be hard living with someone who has severe anxiety, even though I have been there for him through lots of things in life.

I think my self esteem is very low. I am struggling with lots of fear/anxiety on a daily basis. Am I reliant upon him to make me feel okay? I’m not sure.

Will I ever be okay on my own?

randomguy
Posts: 967
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 1:00 am

Re: Marriage/Divorce

Post by randomguy » Tue Jan 28, 2020 8:13 pm

Hi SamiT,

You're not alone with experiencing anxiety, it seems to be way up these days across the global population. Reading and listening to Tolle really helped with my anxiety levels mostly by encouraging to explore what it's like to not place such a high value on thoughts. It doesn't seem all mental though does it. It's very much a physically pervasive experience.

I hear you on the marriage dynamics. Some of us deal with more conflict in marriage than others. Looking at improving communication has been one of the best areas of focus for our marriage. It can give the most immediate bang for the buck so to speak. The book I recommend is "Non-Violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. In it is a 4 step system system encouraging very objective expression and allowing the other person to feel heard.

1. observation - matter of fact (non-interpretive) description that triggered your feeling
2. what you feel
3. what you need
4. request

e.g. It sounds like you are upset that the wiper fluid is empty. You're feeling angry that the wiper fluid is empty. You need the wiper fluid to be full. It sounds like you want me to take initiative on the car maintenance.... What I'm going to do is add to my calendar 'car maintenance'
e.g. When I hear you suggest that I don't use the car I feel scared and angry. I need to be able to work. I'd like to keep using the car so I can work and earn money.

I viewed a great talk with Rosenberg about the correlation of "to be" language and violent crimes. Cultures with more "you are", "they are", "he is" language have higher physical violence. For example "you are" this or that. Eliminating that language goes a long way. If you are thinking he "is" angry, childish, or selfish that can come across in the communication and perpetuate conflict.

Best
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho

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