The annoying fear

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blueviceroy
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The annoying fear

Post by blueviceroy » Sun Oct 21, 2007 6:23 am

I have this pervasive fear that I want to discuss. It used to be very strong and at times I would even have irrational fear of the dark as if I were a small child (I'm 38 with chidren) but noe it's gotten less and just moments ago I had to do a meditation to calm the fear and regain controll of my thought processes, it was like a mutiny in my brain .

I had a distinct feeling that part of me was angry at another part of me and felt "I" was trying to kill it and why was "I" doing that to it, Very wierd very very. Anyway back to the fear , it's ao baseless and strange it's the same kind of fear I felt when I was a child , it's almost as if it's alive inside me and has been there my whole life at odds with the real me .

And now I'm here having an experience almost everyday of keeping this ego in check , does it ever get any easier ? Will I ever be free of the world and it's pollution inside me? i'm sure I will but when this thing happens It feels so real and powerful,
it tells me that which is true is false .
With focus I can control it but it seems like a real effort to sever this conection to what I can clearly see as a mental construct struggling to exist,
Any input would be greatly appreciated

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Webwanderer
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Re: The annoying fear

Post by Webwanderer » Sun Oct 21, 2007 3:39 pm

blueviceroy wrote:I had a distinct feeling that part of me was angry at another part of me and felt "I" was trying to kill it and why was "I" doing that to it,
What part of you is capable of fear? Especially this kind of existential fear? Is it not the ego/mind, that sense of being a separate individual, who wants to continue its existence, the part that worries about its future?
Will I ever be free of the world and it's pollution inside me?
What would happen if you gave in to your fear? Would you cease to exist? Would you be consumed by your imagination? Or would you exist more fully in this moment free from worries about some future possibilities?

Ego is all about fear. No stronger power fuels its structure. Rather than resisting the fear, watch it and see where it leads; not so much from efforts to resist it, but from a present curiosity as to how it functions. Watch the mind and any dialog that keeps the energy churning. There is no need to justify or resist it, just be open and let it flow through you. This is a misplaced survival instinct. There are no lions to eat you, but it probably feels similar.
does it ever get any easier ? Will I ever be free of the world and it's pollution inside me? i'm sure I will but when this thing happens It feels so real and powerful,
Recognition of Truth makes a lifetime of beliefs irrelavent. For some realization comes in a flash, for most it a steady dawning. One experiences a great deal of vacilation between ego identity and present clarity. Eventially there comes a tipping point where one lives more from presence than through ego/mind. This has been my experience.

Since I came upon Tolle (and others like him), I filled my day with frequent pointers to follow back to clear awareness. I also dedicate regular time to resting in silent clarity. It's effectiveness is self evident. The tipping point came when I no longer needed outside pointers. Just a simple recognition of presence is sufficient to break a story in progress. Many of the excellent teachers in our teachers column took years of just such dawning clarity to gain freedom from the ego/mind attachment.

Stay present, or return at every opportunity; and be gentile with yourself in this process of clearing. It will happen at a pace natural to your own makeup. Be diligent but don't force. There is nothing wrong with where you are.

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Re: The annoying fear

Post by kiki » Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:45 pm

I would like to echo Webwanderer's excellent response, and just add a few thoughts. Facing what is called "fear" carries its own fear: "I don't like uncertainty and I don't know what I'll find if I face my fear, and that is scary", is what ego/mind says. So instead of facing "fear" just watch what is here without labeling it in any way. Sit and fully feel whatever physical sensations are felt without any story associated with them. It is those mind based stories that attach the label "fear" to it and then recoils from the label.

But without the story all there is is some kind of energetic movement flowing within you that has some physical characteristics. By allowing that energetic charge to be there without mind attaching a story to it, that energy has a chance to discharge itself. That allowing puts some distance around it, giving it the space to do that without reactive interference. This is a compassionate approach to what's here, an acceptance that is natural to consciousness/awareness because acceptance is all that consciousness/awareness does - it accepts everything.

The effect of this is rather interesting: What is found is that what we call "fear" disappears, only to be replaced by a deeper sense of presence! I like to say it this way: Fear is a coward because when faced it runs away. When you see this for yourself you begin to lose fear of its presence (as well as fear of anticipating its presence) because it becomes the fuel of awakening.

So this isn't really about "keeping ego in check" (which is itself an egoic activity) as recognizing ego in action - in other words, spotting the strategies ego uses as they arise. With greater clarity of Being it becomes easier to spot the ego arising as it sticks its nose into everything so that you can relax back into Being rather than becoming lost again in mind and all of its reactive patterns. Trying to "control" what's happening is the source of "struggle" because that idea of control is a mind based goal created by ego. In short, this is not about control, but actually seeing what's happening - and when ego is seen simply relaxing back into Being.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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astaroth
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Re: The annoying fear

Post by astaroth » Sun Oct 21, 2007 10:06 pm

Wonderful answer, once again, kiki!
...you might remember me from such educational films as "Zen for couch-potatoes - The wisdom of never doing anything" or "Buddha from da hood - Was he a brother?"

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Re: The annoying fear

Post by blueviceroy » Mon Oct 22, 2007 3:33 am

Thank you for the responses . Letting things be has never been my strong suit and it has never been more apparent than now as I really want to let things be. It feels exactly like a predator is about to get me, the fear ,it's not rational in any way .
I focused on the fear to experience as it was and it didn't quite vanish but seemed to just lose it's impact on me .The constructs are thin and vaporous in essence, they don't really exist but are still present . To me they are difficult to pin down as they seem so paradoxical. That urge to control and fix is as much of a bother or more so than anything else,
I'll keep working (of course) patients is a lesson I've been learning for quite some time as well.

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Re: The annoying fear

Post by Suzanne » Fri Oct 26, 2007 12:25 am

Webwanderer wrote:Stay present, or return at every opportunity; and be gentile with yourself in this process of clearing. It will happen at a pace natural to your own makeup. Be diligent but don't force. There is nothing wrong with where you are.
Ok. That's amazing advice. Sounds like it's right out of Eckardt's teachings. Now, I'm hooked on this site. Beautiful moderating.

Also, I think you're very brave to be so honest with yourself and us readers. I think we all have to admit that we've stuck a toe in the pool and then gone back to our families and jobs and mad ways. Eckardt says that's as it should be. The initiation is probably usually gradual. I'm more ready for it now in this stage of my life than I was when I first tripped over the PON. It was obviously true and I let it simmer in my consciousness and start illuminating the lessons in my human outer world. All that evidence of suffering in my friends and family and co-workers sent me back for deeper absorption.

I think you'll feel safely across the river of ego for good when you have to suffer at the hands of someone else's miserable ego for an extended period of time: Whether it's a family member or boss or whoever. That will be the time when you see that your ego is far more frightening than a world that is not under your egoic control. At some point, you'll realize the delusion that ego can do you any good at all and you'll be done with it.

Just a newbie's opinion. My take on my own backpeddling. You're doing GREAT!

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Re: The annoying fear

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Oct 26, 2007 2:34 am

Thanks for your kind words Suzanne. I'm happy you're finding our forum helpful. It's a great place to work through conceptual entrapments, and find pointers to that clear awareness that offers freedom from the ego/mind. Our members contributions here are valuable; both for the insight they offer others, and for ones own awakening when those insights are offered from ones deepest understanding.

The same efforts to express truths and pointers clearly, help create the alignment with that essential being that we seek to realize. Pointers point to presence, and presence enhances clarity. Clarity engenders understanding, and understanding inspires more useful pointers. Each cycle brings a greater sense of peace and love for life; each cycle brings still greater clarity. It's a great system. :D

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Re: The annoying fear

Post by summer » Fri Oct 26, 2007 5:19 am

Ego is all about fear. No stronger power fuels its structure. Rather than resisting the fear, watch it and see where it leads; not so much from efforts to resist it, but from a present curiosity as to how it functions. Watch the mind and any dialog that keeps the energy churning. There is no need to justify or resist it, just be open and let it flow through you. This is a misplaced survival instinct. There are no lions to eat you, but it probably feels similar.
This sounds so true, Webwanderer,

Especially the part about egoic fears being a misplaced survival instinct.

Our instinct to live is a very healthy natural part of any living organism. None of us would still be here today, if that natural survival instinct wasn't doing a great job. We can trust that instinct, and live very well most of the time with no fears at all.

This little imagined ME in the head is what generates so many of our unecessary and painful fears. First it pretends to be real, and then uses our natural survival instinct to keep itself alive. No wonder we all feel a little crazy sometimes.

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Re: The annoying fear

Post by enlighten » Sat Dec 15, 2007 6:22 pm

:)

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Re: The annoying fear

Post by Kingdomcome » Mon Dec 17, 2007 1:25 am

blueviceroy wrote: With focus I can control it but it seems like a real effort to sever this conection to what I can clearly see as a mental construct struggling to exist,
Any input would be greatly appreciated
My own experience tells me that waht you try to control, controls you. But this has allready been voiced, I believe.

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