Stuggling

This is the place to post whatever questions you have related to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. The rest of us will do whatever we can to help you achieve a better understanding :)
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IhaveNoName
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Stuggling

Post by IhaveNoName » Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:44 pm

Im not sure where to turn. I find myself having a lot of trouble with dealing with everything going on. Im gonna lay out my entire situation and maybe you all could help me with it. I am recovering from an addiction in which I have about 4months clean in a recovery group. I have a federal legal situation that I have to deal with in which I can do some prison time for. (this is from things I addiction and to feed my addiction.) Im waiting on them know the charges. Im going to school (community college) though I pretty much stopped going to almost all of my classes because I just dont wanna be here though I did find something I would like to do .(culinary school) I struggle with myself on a daily basis on why I let myself to continue to suffer. I fear letting go, I fear what others will think of me and do think of me, I fear asking for help from either my therapist, or other recovery memebers because I dont want people to see me as "messed up" as I trully am. My ability to socialize has been lost in my 5 years of addiction and now im just filled with tons of anxiety and fear. Even when I try to meditate on the rare occations if I can ever get myself to do it usually at night in a dark room I find myself at times comming up with crazy images in my mind scaring me(like night terrors almost) note: im 20. I am so alone. As I always have been. Im so fake around everyone im never me. Im always trying to either impress or accomidate everyone and get approval from everyone. I have no self worth. This has been going on since as long as I can remember. Now I find myself grasping to anything whether its food, tv, internet, etc so I dont have to deal with any of this. Im doing exactly what I used my addiction for. To push everything under the rug. I read the power of now, I have had many many glimpses of what is, what we are, and everything as a whole. Its beautiful but I havent accepted it out of fear. I have always been afriad of everything. My biggest fear though is more irrational then the rest of thoughs. Its talking to my father whether or not hes angry or not but around him I cant me be. But then again around anyone I cant be me. I cant just be. I find myself now in the past few days asking whats the point of "recovery" if im not happy. If i go back to my addiction i wont feel any of this but if i go back im just sweeping it under the rug again and its all just an illusion. It wont solve anything. Its like a mirage in the desert. So I find myself now asking what is wrong with me? Is anything wrong with me? No its just that i keep seeing myself as a me and as alone. I just want to be comfortable with me. Feel safe with me. I have felt this for brief moments but i cant sustain it and in moments of fear its no where to be found. Now i have to deal with all of these things plus my familiy is gonna find out i didnt go to school and if i did i failed pretty much everything, i have to deal with my emotions whcih i dont know how to deal with, i have my legal situation where there is a realistic change i go to prison. The sad thing is that non of this is anythign i want. My life 99.99% as never been about me and about what i want. Its been about pleasing others or rejecting others way of doing things and in that i do something neither of us want and just end up doing something crazy. Why do i have to keep fighting. Why cant i just be. I dont want peole controlling my life any more i never was able to handle and still cant. I cant be a caged bird. I have to taste the forbidden fruit to know its bad. I have to suffer for myself and that i have and continue to do. Everyone around me feels they have all of my answers and i dont know how to deal with it. My judgement may be screwed up at times but thats up for discussion. I dont regret any thing i have done in my life "good nore bad" i have expirenced thigns i could have never gotten any other way. i have always been aware even in great turmoil. i again though find myself wanting to escape dealing with this. Its crazy sometimes i think prison would be a nice way to not deal with this and at times almost hope i go but thats not really looking at what prison is but thats kinda how i think. I just suffer and suffer and im so aware that it all stems from me but i fear what is outside me to change whats inside me. how nuts is that.
ty for listening to me ramble on. Any insights would be great. also if u have AIM pm me it cause id like to talk to someone if u feel u could give me some good advice

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blueviceroy
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Re: Stuggling

Post by blueviceroy » Thu Nov 15, 2007 8:43 pm

I struggled to . I'm a long time user. Recovery isn't easy or quick . the old numbness appears very seductive when we must feel everything .


It doesn't go away . the desire will be with you in one form or another for the rest of your existence, All we can do is allow our desire to be retrained to desire right things rather than selfish things , Right actions bring right thoughts , not the other way around.

If you want to be free to be who you really are , stop doing what you want and do what must be done , You must act the way you wish to become to make it realized.


It will be the only thing in your life you will ever have to work for , all other things in the world are simple tasks that anyone can achieve, learning to accept what and who we are and making it work the way it was meant to be used is not easy unless you are COMPLETELY honest , follow a REAL program of recovery ( 12 step) it clears the obstructions that block our clarity and blind us to opur true nature

Or you can just give in to selfish desire and avoid pain and perish a miserable ,defeated wasted life, that never knew who it was or how wonderful and profound the truth of our existence trully is
http://members.shaw.ca/yofrizb

weichen
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Re: Stuggling

Post by weichen » Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:12 pm

Hi, IhaveNoName,

Drug addiction and imprisonment is one the greatest blessing in disguise a human being can have, and you are going to become one of the greatest individual in human history because of this blessing. Tim Allen, one of the most famous movie star, was imprisoned for two years due to drug http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Allen

IhaveNoName
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Re: Stuggling

Post by IhaveNoName » Fri Nov 16, 2007 4:11 pm

Its not drug addiction that i deal with but a differnt addiction. I really thought about going back in the past 2 days or so because of all the pain im feeling and it just seemed so right to cover it all up. Ur replies really helped me i cant take the "easy" way out of pain because its trully filled with much more pain. Though i feel so alone during this time. I feel others around me are getting in the way of my happiness though i know its not true. Only I can get in the way of my happiness. I do feel though i need to get everything out on the table with my parents concerning my school situation and what id like to do with my life but i dread those emotional talks and arugments with them more then anything else i have ever expirenced and i freeze up in those situations. Where do i turn to in great turmoil? I guess the key here would be to see i always no matter what will always have myself and if i could turn to me i would be a stronger person. I have so little confidence though and my idea of who i am is so screwed up. Even how i think in general is so backwards and so set up to make myself suffer and fail. Im scared i always have been and just am afraid to trully ask for help outside of online. I see a therapist and go to a 12 step group but i just fear people seeing the "dark side" of me. I also dont know how to communicate what im feeling so well without ramblinb or saying thigns that make no sense. Im a prisoner within myself and i had enough or atleast i think i have.

weichen
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Re: Stuggling

Post by weichen » Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:47 pm

I see a therapist and go to a 12 step group but i just fear people seeing the "dark side" of me
When people see the dark side of you, some of them would not open up to you, and you will experience the rejection; some of them would open to you because of this knowledge, and you experience the compassion and encouragement. Then, in retrospect, suddenly you burst into laughers, "is that all? why I was so afraid?"

Bill Clinton knew this experience, "what if every citizen in this country knows my affair with white house intern?", once what he feared did happen (everyone on earth knows all the details of his affair :lol: ), the fear is gone, and laughter came. "Is that all?" Reality is always much much kinder than your thought.

Tolle life was filled with episodes of suicidal thoughts. I bet he was afraid that other people would know his dark secret (the fact that he was seriously depressed for years and was suicidal). What he did not realize at that time is that "suicidal thoughts" is the death of ego, not the death of his real SELF. That suicidal thought (self worthlessness), a skeleton in his closet, turned out to be a blessing that propelled him to be the world's best spiritual teacher. The ego needs to die, so that the spirit can shine through, a new life can begin.

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Webwanderer
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Re: Stuggling

Post by Webwanderer » Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:50 am

I agree with weichen on this. The suffering you experience from bottling up your pain, rather than sharing it in an appropriate venue, is worse than exposing it and finding out who your friends really are. You can't live on concern over how other people may judge you. The 12 step program is set up for just that purpose. Everyone there is in the same boat, and offers a trusting atmosphere of release and acceptance. Take advantage of your opportunities for opening up to clear these troubles that plague you.

Your post shows you already know your way out, at least on an intellectual level. Take the plunge and get some direct experience of the value of sharing the mistakes you've made and allow yourself some forgiveness.

shappy
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Re: Stuggling

Post by shappy » Sat Nov 17, 2007 2:30 am

First of all, I think that it takes great courage for you to talk about your situation. Even though you're revealing your "dark side" to a bunch of strangers on an on-line forum, more importantly, you're revealing it to yourself. Just the act of thinking about it and writing it out helps. And self-honesty is an incredibly powerful tool at your disposal.

In fact, self-honesty can be your ticket out of this mess. The thing is, we all have our dark sides and we all "play" with dark thoughts and emotions. It's part of our human/spiritual evolution. I think the important thing is to just say... "yup, my situation sucks... this is who I am right now". Accept that this is your current situation. This is what you have to deal with right now... that's just how it is. If you struggle with this notion of your current reality, you'll keep struggling. Having said that, there is nothing wrong with struggling... actually, it's when we learn a lot of things about the world. This is a necessary time. But maybe you've had enough. And if you haven't, you haven't. And if you have, then things will progress. Either way, try to realize that this will pass.

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heidi
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Re: Stuggling

Post by heidi » Sat Nov 17, 2007 2:39 am

Shappy, those are wise words. Here we are, we might as well enjoy it. :)
Heidi
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astaroth
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Re: Stugglinghttp://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth.info/postin

Post by astaroth » Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:36 pm

Hi IhaveNoName!

I can tell you a few things.
What brought me here, maybe like most of us, was - how Tolle described it - the wish "not to live with myself any more".

I have spent a long time of constant suffering. I had my own addictions. Alcohol, drugs, food... I created stories about "myself", stories of self-judgment and shame for myself and more stories in which I tried to explain why I am like that.
I have my own dark side and it is very strong. I never really managed to forgive myself. My mind has always been an accuser which tortured me day and night. It was not always negative thinking, but this thinking about myself all the time made me thinking about blowing all this thinking out of my head. But I couldn't even scream. Somehow I know that even crying is something born out of love.
I never had any love.
All this love-stuff... I always hated it, hated romanticism, hated every kind of feeling... Only thinking. And in this thinking there was no place for anyone else than for myself. I have never been in love. No person ever meant anything for me, only when it was a "cool" person which made me think "yeah, this person likes me. I must be worth something. I hope others will see me with this person" I was so selfish, I lied about myself, told people stories... But mostly I was afraid of other people, so I prefered loneliness. I was afraid when they come near me they could see what piece of shit I am, see all the fear, all the shame. I hated everything about me and when there was something I liked about me I somehow managed to think about it so much that I again hated me for only thinking about me, never about others... But then I heard about spirituality and suddenly there was hope.

Let me only tell you one thing: Stay on this forum! Read Eckhart Tolle's books! It is the only truth that can never be damaged, the only way out of suffering.

I've had feelings of peace, freedom of thinking I never belied to be possible for me. I was a prisoner of my own, like you. Sometimes there is still all this thinking but I don't take it so serious any more because I neither resist it, nor believe it to be real, to be me. And so there was peace even while thinking negative thoughts. You will learn about your true nature on this forum, and this true nature is holy and untouched. It doesn't know no suffering, no negativity. Read through this forum, there are people here who have worded it a lot better... Find it out for yourself. It is all a dream. A dream of your own.

I wrote all this because I feel that even though I am able to see a lot more clearly this entity I believed to be myself, this entity that has been so ashamed of itself... I have to forgive it anyway. I have born it. And it may be not beautiful. I was this entity and I must be so true to myself: I am still this entity, even though I don't take it so serious, so real as I've done before... This "me" must be forgiven. I was stuck in a dream and taking this dream so absolutely real (as almost everyone out there does) I did things which were not beautiful. But it was a dream. As someone wrote it here on this forum: "If you awake from a dream, do you still feel guilt about what you have done inside this dream?" Maybe... At least, I do. But this must be over someday.

The ways of the universe are not so easy to be understood. Do you believe in fate? Tolle wrote in "A new earth" that the molecules of our body once used to be parts of a sun - which is a physical reality. The human mind can't understand why things are one way or another. Why my life was like that. It is just impossible. I thought sometimes: "Why have I got in contact with the truth? Me???"
I was so ugly, so unbearable, so impossible to live with... Now I see it as a blessing. It is much more likely to awake from a nightmare than from a dream which is also uncomfortable but possible to stand.

But I still don't feel any love. I, as well, must forgive "myself", this little me. I feel a subtle peace in most situations but no love towards others. I remember the saying "only who loves himself is able to love others." How can I love myself? A question I could never answer. Today I know, It was all a dream. Your me, as ugly as it is, brought you in contact with the truth. Thank it for that fact and see that it was fear which created all the dark things. See deep inside and you will see that fear is the root of all the ugly self-judgment, all the ugly behaviour, all the shame... See it for yourself. See, it was only a dream. See, it was only fear. Finally, I'd like to quote Seancho:

"If you stop believing in fear, is it still scary?"

blessings,
astaroth
...you might remember me from such educational films as "Zen for couch-potatoes - The wisdom of never doing anything" or "Buddha from da hood - Was he a brother?"

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Re: Stuggling

Post by Webwanderer » Mon Nov 19, 2007 1:37 am

Wonderful heartfelt post astaroth, I enjoyed it thoroughly. It's apparent you are making good use of the pointers you've seen. I have no doubt your sharing will be an inspiration to anyone who reads it. :D

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Re: Stuggling

Post by OnlyNow » Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:54 pm

Yes, stay with the forum, stay with the books, get some et audio and or video, fair bit can be found for free on the net if money is tight. Immerse yourself in it

remember, its only 'the now', this moment that that you have to deal with and you can escape your thoughts, your mind, the conditioned 'little me' by using et's portals.

it works.

Now you have found et and here no one can take that away from you.

Its just a matter of time until you realise you don't need time.

allthebest
When the Pupil is ready the Master appears

weopposedeception
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Re: Stuggling

Post by weopposedeception » Sun Dec 02, 2007 7:15 am

At this point in your recovery it would be wise to concentrate on your 12 step program, go to a meeting everyday, get a sponsor, lots of phone numbers (and use them), etc. Myself, I started concentrating on Tolle after a few years of program, I think it was a natural progression to learn more spiritually, but first I had to get my life stable enough for that to happen.

jgh
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Re: Stuggling

Post by jgh » Wed Dec 05, 2007 4:05 pm

You´re in the road to change, although you still don't see it. When I was in my 20's I had my own chemichal addictions. Many times I just wanted to die and was near to really die with my irresponsability. What happened? Just time went by, and things changed. Did I do anything to change things? I don't know. I guess I just managed to stay alive while living through all the damn thing. Then years after I read a frase of Winston Churchill which I hoped I would have read in those times. So I'm reading it for you now. It said:
When you're going through hell, keep going

The frase has a lot to do with The Power of Now, the way I see it. Sometimes you just have to wait until things get better. They usually do.

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