ego / reality

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astaroth
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ego / reality

Post by astaroth » Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:55 am

Hi everyone!

I've been reading few in the last time on this forum. I don't know... but "me" thinks he needs help. Some things have happened to me and have changed things a bit.

I finally see the stories for what they are. They are only thoughts, which have made me to an actor of myself all my life. It is really a sad protagonist to play, I tell you.

Sometimes I step away from my story and see this suffering, silly thing I believed to be the last point of which I am. Then there is a sudden sense of compassion to this imagined actor named "astaroth". But then there is the thought: Why give love to something which isn't real?

But when I see the reality of now, there is nothing at all any more. No actor, nothing to play, no problem to be solved, nothing to find or gain anymore. But then I have to take part in this world. My connection to this world seems to be this silly protagonist. I had an experience when I really was really outside the stories, outside everything. It was on a party, during my holidays in France this new year's eve. I saw people talking, but it had nothing to do with me anymore at all. It was all just something which seemed to be in a complete different world than I am at the moment. I couldn't take part in this things any more. I was silent all the evening, just looking in a strange way at people.
After some time I recognized that I was feeling more seperate to all these things than I had ever before. There was no love, no oneness, nothing like this. It was all a a movie of protagonists playing themselves. There was just this absolute clear seeing, a lot bigger fulness in seeing than the egoic little cage through which I had seen before. There was also this loved silence. There was the warm feeling some people call "peace" :wink: . But anyhow I was extremely seperated from anything at all. What brought me back into dreams was this thought: "Why isn't there any love, any oneness?"

What came after that was just another part of the sad protagonist. Shame, depression... It wasn't this hard, but I somehow knew I had come so close to the so-desired freeness of world of form. Now, I still see the stories for what they are. But I can't do anything at all in the now. If I use the "I" again, it is still "astaroth", the silly protagonist, which is doing. Because what I really am has never done anything at all. I see this now, because there is either the story-mode or the now. But isn't the now both, the stories and the silence? I don't know what to do with the stories, with the imagined "I" and I don't know how to act in this world without using "astaroth"? Which then is acting automatically, full of fear and then suddenly remembers of his own reality... Until the next time he opens his mouth.

Goddam... I'm going crazy. You know what the most silly thing is??? While I step away from it all, I'm asking myself why I'm just writing all this. Because it is all a dream. But I still don't know how to be me without being "me". I hope, some of you understand what I try to say

thanx, thanx, thanx

astaroth

edit:
I think, there's still a belief in some kind of "I", there's still a perspective from inside, not from the whole. How to get over this frontier of "I"??? As kiki once posted, "everywhere the ego looks, it only sees itself".
There are these moments of clarity. But it doesn't feel like the "real shit".

thanx again
Last edited by astaroth on Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
...you might remember me from such educational films as "Zen for couch-potatoes - The wisdom of never doing anything" or "Buddha from da hood - Was he a brother?"

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Re: ego / reality

Post by kiki » Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:50 am

I see this now, because there is either the story-mode or the now. But isn't the now both, the stories and the silence?
The now is everything, but the silence shows you that the stories are transitory and fictional while the silence is not. The silence is the field in which the stories get played out, but when they are seen not to be real they lose their impact on how life is viewed and experienced. So play your part as astaroth while knowing that he isn't real. He only serves a function in the world of form, just as the performer serves a function in playing a part in a play. Without the character in the play there would be nothing playing out and no one for the other characters to interact with. The difference now is that you will no longer get caught up in believing you are real as that character as you once did while playing out your role in this world of form. In other words, "astaroth" is consciously experienced as unreal even as he plays his part.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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astaroth
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Re: ego / reality

Post by astaroth » Thu Jan 10, 2008 2:08 am

But where is the love? It is only a game, maybe. I start having a sense for "the unrealness of the game". But it is still a perspective of no joy, only some kind of peace in the background. One of my strongest reasons to search for enlightenment was that I wanted to be something good. Someone with an open heart, also for himself.
This strange new perspective of lifen has given me lots of lighter air, but it is still cold. You know, I hate the cold. I want to be what I really am, without all these sad stories. I am some kind of free, it feels good, but still I (!!!) am free. There's still this final frontier of seperateness I try to see. Why is it still "me", such a vague "me"? How to get beyond it? Everytime "I" try to get over this wall, it is, of couse, "me" which tries.
Where is the love? I just want to be able to love all things there are...


asta
...you might remember me from such educational films as "Zen for couch-potatoes - The wisdom of never doing anything" or "Buddha from da hood - Was he a brother?"

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Re: ego / reality

Post by Webwanderer » Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:48 am

astaroth,

If there are expectations of love and joy, what is it that has them? And what is it that feels the disappointing pain of judgment that they appear not to be present? Though the water may be stilled, it's depth may take some getting used to. Be patient. Recognize the habitual nature of ego that makes judments on our expectations.

Ego/mind can be amazingly subtle. Just when you think you're seeing things clearly you find your still looking through filters of expectations and preference. We think we should be having soaring experiences of cosmic consciousness and enlightenment, yet we continue to feel depression and emptyness. But remember what Lao Tsu said (at least I think it was him), "before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water; after enlightenment - chop wood, carry water". The events of our lives may change very little with awakening. But our experience of those events changes in a way similar to being in on the secret way through a maze while everyone else hardly even know they are lost.

Be willing to accept the truth no matter what it is. Efforts to seek truth, while initially useful, are ultimately distractions as well. Expectations will only take you away, back into mental concepts of what should be. The Truth IS! It is what is! To live truth is "I am that I am", whatever that may be. Awakening is more a matter of accepting truth than seeking it. Truth cannot be found, because it is not lost. It is what is, as it is, in this moment. Recognize the beauty in that/this and feel a sense of gratitude of just simple being. The flowers bloom and the birds continue to sing regardless of the concerns of man. Look around, enjoy.

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Re: ego / reality

Post by weopposedeception » Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:37 am

The "you" can't be known or defined. It's like an eyeball trying to see itself.

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astaroth
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Re: ego / reality

Post by astaroth » Thu Jan 10, 2008 2:04 pm

The spiritual way is really a strange way to go - because it is no way.

I find myself many times sitting and asking myself "okay, what can be done now to connect to the now?" and then I recognize that this question is an egoic illusion on te one hand and - on the other hand - already is asked now.

I just somtimes don't know what to do with the stories. I can feel quite peacful in a state of inner silent emptiness but this state goes away as soon as another story, after a few seconds, tries to suck "my" consciousness into it again.
Just, as soon as it is recognized, leaving it behind (in the midst of a thought) sometimes feels like a subtle fighting against the stories. But when I listen to a thought, remembering it's illusionary nature, try to see it, in some way I give it an interest, maybe even some belief, it doesn't deserve - because it's not real.

Well... I also feel that things only begin and that time will clear up everything. Spirituality seems to be a very individual thing to deal with (well, lets say, it deals with you) and also a thing which makes everything upside down. You can't kick in the doors of heaven.
...you might remember me from such educational films as "Zen for couch-potatoes - The wisdom of never doing anything" or "Buddha from da hood - Was he a brother?"

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