I need you to tell me you like me

This is the place to post whatever questions you have related to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. The rest of us will do whatever we can to help you achieve a better understanding :)
citronella49
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I need you to tell me you like me

Post by citronella49 » Tue Dec 09, 2008 6:15 am

Im just so tired of my life. times like this I feel there is nothing I want that I can have.... but I always feel that way cause I am perpetually unhappy with my station in life...my parents have been listening to this crap from me for years, and when I read that "A New Earth" book it helped me see some things more clearly, but the momemnt I stop thinking about that stuff I revert back to my old distructive ways. I used to see a counselor , she helped keep me partially grounded... I miss her. I tried three different counselors here in Korea... they are about $100 an hour!!! one was ok, but not really, the other twowere terrible... I think I wasted about $700 on that... or maybe more... who knows. Im depressed, and I just wanna go home, but I dont know where home is. Is it my hometown? My parentrs house? My college town? Korea? some place else? my bf's home? I feel so lost. ...

, how can you nto want anything from someone? Am I a terrible person for thinking like that? I just wanna home, somewhere... a real home... i d ont even know what that is, but its a place I am happy to go to... our place in Korea is like a hotel room that is never cleaned... I hate it... unless I spend hours cleaning it, only for himto leave stuff all over and I cant ask him to pick it up or its another fight, thats my fault cause I shouldjust accept the fact that he wants to leave stuff everywher, so I leave stuff everyhwhere too now, and I hatemy "home'

Im just fed up with it all. I want change... but I want to control the change, I dont feel like I have controlled anything about my life since I was in my college town... and inthe last year or so there I was really losing control. I wanna be back in controll... I dont even know what that means... Im likea bipolar crazy person, tomorrow I will be fine, until 4PM and then I will gocrazy again for a few hours, and then back to normal, its a painful cycle and I hate it,,, but I love it... I cant do anything about it, but I can, I just dont want to cause I love being out of control and blaming my problems on everyone else... its not my fault Im messed up, its my bf's fault, so I should make his life miserable by any means possible and that will vindicate me... but there is no vidication, no matter how much I ruin things, I never have enough, I always want more pain and tears and drama... This is why I hate myself, cause I know what happiness is, and as soon as I see it I have to ruin it, because if I become happy then ... there will be nothing left, not drama, no hate, no wanting, no dissapointment... everything that was me and my life for the last 28 years will dissapear... I cant let that happen, I have to maintain this or I will dissapear, because all I am is a great big ball of hate, and resentment and depression and drama and everything bad about humans...

I want to ask you, is there anyway I can be happy and not miss wallowing in my own self pity? Maybe you have an answer, maybe not, but even if you do, that would be you solving my problems, and thats not the way its supposed to go down... I have to grow up, evolve, and do the right thing... Why am I so afraid to lose myself? I hate who I am... and I love hating who I am... its insane... Im insane.

Im sorry I went off like this... but Im messed up, and I have no one here to talk to, so (full disclosure) Im kinda using you...Good night, I wish I didnt have to go to work... I might go to yoga, but I dont want to... I dont know why I dont want to , but I just dont know what I want todo now, except stop existing... not an option though, cant do that to my mom... sigh... I always have someone else to blame for me not being able to do what I want... I wonder if I even know what I want and why I make the choices I make... Im a mess, sorry
I just want to understand

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by Sighclone » Tue Dec 09, 2008 7:50 am

c49 -

Ultimately you will find your answers inside. The members of this forum can only do so much to give "pointers." Here are a few more:

(1) Be sure you get enough food and sleep.
(2) Seek out group therapy - this might work better for you since you seem to appreciate your time here.
(3) Get a copy of "Gateways to Now" - it's an older Eckhart CD with some basic exercises in meditation.
(4) Forgive yourself for what you perceive as failed efforts.
(5) Read PON if you haven't.
(6) Keep a private personal journal.
(7) Allow your feelings to surface - be the space for them. At your age, there is immense potential for a beautiful life...respect that, and respect yourself.

"Do thyself no harm for we are all here." Acts 16:28

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by Glycine » Tue Dec 09, 2008 3:13 pm

If you move somewhere far away, for example to a different country, the symptoms will disappear for a while - probably 1-2 years - but they will come back.
You can either keep moving every 2-3 years, or, at some point, stop and face these issues. There must be some background desire that generates all these - for example (exaggeration): I want to be famous, rich, and "rule the world". Identify the problem and see it for what it really is: just a thought/wish.
I'm sure Eckhart's books will help you.

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by domokato » Tue Dec 09, 2008 9:37 pm

Dearest citronella,

Home is inside you. You are always home. Everything around you is also home. See your home. Enjoy your home. Love your home.

Be home.

You perceive your problems to be unsolvable, outside you, attacking you. They are not only not outside you, they are not inside you either. They don't exist. Problems are a creation of the mind. A fantasy world. There are no problems right now in this moment. You can rest in the present moment. Be still. This is home. This is peace.

The world loves you. God loves you. We love you. Don't resist the love, because it is everywhere. And don't seek the love, because you already have it. You are it.

Love,
~housecat

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Dec 09, 2008 11:52 pm

citronella49 wrote: I just want to understand
Citronella, take a couple of deep breaths and re-read your post at the top of this topic. Realize that this is the spinning mind in action. It's not you-it's your mind, and you are identifying with the endless thoughts that revolve within it.
"I'm a mess"
Maybe, but only to the degree that you identify with all the turmoil churning in thought. The path to freedom lies in the recognition of you essential nature, and that is not to be found in thought. Learn to sit (or walk-or clean house or whatever) in silence. Listen openly and with interest. Look with virgin eyes. Feel with the curiosity of an infant. Smell a familiar scent for the first time. It is in recognition of Being in this moment that the nature of a spinning mind becomes clear.

We've all been there - lost in the revolving door of mental justification for for crimes commited upon us, both real and imagined. But the real crime, is the one we commit upon ourselves; and that does the real harm. Sit awhile in silent presence, just to get a clear sense of what you are. Do this every day as the many opportunities present themselves. You are a field of awareness. You are a perceptive presence. All else is just content within that presence. To the degree that you identify with the content, your true nature becomes obscured. But salvation isn't likely to come by demanding obediance from the content. It comes from a return to clarity. The offending content then becomes less offensive and loses its ability to drag you into turmoil and depression.

The pointers of Tolle and others are of little use in and of themselves. It's the living embodiment of what those pointers represent that is transformative. Recognize your self in silence (your home). No words can create anything more familiar.

WW

citronella49
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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by citronella49 » Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:26 am

domokato wrote:Dearest citronella,

Home is inside you. You are always home. Everything around you is also home. See your home. Enjoy your home. Love your home.

Be home.

You perceive your problems to be unsolvable, outside you, attacking you. They are not only not outside you, they are not inside you either. They don't exist. Problems are a creation of the mind. A fantasy world. There are no problems right now in this moment. You can rest in the present moment. Be still. This is home. This is peace.

The world loves you. God loves you. We love you. Don't resist the love, because it is everywhere. And don't seek the love, because you already have it. You are it.

Love,
I wish I could feel the way you feel...
I just want to understand

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by Juno » Wed Dec 10, 2008 1:26 am

Citronella,

For me Adyashanti (spiritual teacher) was just the ticket. Believe me I use to be a pretty miserable person because I couldn't see until It, What we are was pointed at. Once I saw and you can too, Everything started to change immediately. What we are is atomic. Very potent, once seen it will blow your whole facade apart. It did me and continues to and I am forever grateful. Then and only then was true peace possible, true contentment, true happieness, true unconditional love. To me Adya is such a clear teacher in pointing one "home" where you already are, you just forgot, it's like having amnesia for 28 years, then all of a sudden you get your memory back. Check him out online. There are a lot of his writings and audio clips for free at his website. See if he doesen't peak your interest.

Monica
by thinking of something you create an entity and by thinking of nothing you create another. Let such erroneous thinking perish utterly, and then nothing will remain for you to go seeking!
Huang Po

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by domokato » Wed Dec 10, 2008 2:34 am

citronella49 wrote:I wish I could feel the way you feel...
The easiest way I have found to experience this is to silence your mind and stay in that state for a while. It is a blissful state. To silence the mind, just observe it. Don't judge it. Just watch it. You are the observer. If you were to judge, that would be your mind at work, not you. The little "thinking" voice in your head is not you. Observe your mind and it will stop. Why? Because in doing so you realize that you are not your mind, and so you stop giving your mind energy to run on for the time being.

Another way is to devote more conscious space to your senses and devote less to your mind. Listen to the sounds around you. Look around you. Feel your body. Listen to your breath. This will also bring you into presence.

This state of no-mind is "home". It's peace. With practice, you can bring it to everything you do, even thinking.
~housecat

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by innerpeace2u » Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:00 am

I just thought Id mention i really did enjoy listening to these invaluable responses. It was incredibly calming just reading the pointers and it seems to never lose its impact.

Citronella, I hope you find that place within. I have gone through life challenges as well.

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by nodoubt » Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:27 pm

citronella49 wrote:Im just so tired of my life.

Im a mess, sorry

You are totally identified with your thoughts.

This is fundamental -you can not think your way in to peacefulness.

Now your in Korea,in a time back in U.S. same you ,same mental concepts.

If needed seek professional help, of course we like you.

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by domokato » Wed Dec 10, 2008 8:27 pm

Yes, this is one of Eckhart's core teachings: you cannot think your way into peace. You can only think your way into problems and out of peace. Surrender is peace. Internal surrender - not external. There is no point in resisting something internally. It only wastes energy and creates negativity in you. Surrender to what is (internally, it is a feeling of "letting go", of release), then you can change what is (externally) with clarity of action, without ego, and without adding further suffering to yourself and the world.

Please do ask if you need more help understanding. That's what we're here for :)
~housecat

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by Plorel » Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:25 pm

I cannot contribute anything that has not been said. I also have never experienced a life situation that seems to come close to your`s.
But as innerpeace2u, I`d like to mention how much I enjoyed reading your responses. Some much heartfullness and wisdom, I didnt thought it was possible
on an Internet forum until now.
I really, really do hope those pointers do help you.

Just on a small note, when I feel miserable, worried or aggrieved I often remember Eckhart saying: When there is nothing in your past (or life situation) that can keep you from being present now, what power does it have over you?
That helps me getting into devotion and presense and lifts me up again.

Best wishes
stefan
Who am I without my story?

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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by heidi » Sat Dec 13, 2008 4:30 pm

I just quickly scanned all of these great responses, and am surprised nobody's pointed you to Byron Katie's work. If you look at your post, you'll notice that you seem to need and want a lot. Is that true? Who would you be without all those stories? I recommend that you take each statement you made in your post, and inspect a' la The Work. http://www.thework.com/thework.asp
In fact, one of her first works was" I Need Your Love - Is That True?"
Give it a whirl - and good luck. :)
Heidi
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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by Tara » Sat Dec 13, 2008 4:48 pm

I second Byron Katie!

I also have enjoyed this thread and webwanderer's:

" Maybe, but only to the degree that you identify with all the turmoil churning in thought. The path to freedom lies in the recognition of you essential nature, and that is not to be found in thought. Learn to sit (or walk-or clean house or whatever) in silence. Listen openly and with interest. Look with virgin eyes. Feel with the curiosity of an infant. Smell a familiar scent for the first time. It is in recognition of Being in this moment that the nature of a spinning mind becomes clear."

citronella49
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Re: I need you to tell me you like me

Post by citronella49 » Thu Dec 18, 2008 3:11 pm

I haven't been back all week, sorry, I wasn't ignoring... just afraid to look... I know there is truth here, and I know I need a fundamental change... its just not easy. But thank you all for the responses, I have too much to think about... sigh, and thinking is apparently not what I am supposed to be doing...
domokato wrote:you cannot think your way into peace.
then what purpose does thinking serve? Why do we even bother? I'm no jealous of my cats... I dont think they 'think' ... they just live... why arn't we like that? Didnt thinking evolve to be some sort of improvement .... to help us succeed where other species 'failed' ... or are we failing now? Because we think too much...
domokato wrote: Surrender is peace.
What you say here inspires and terrifies me... surrender sounds so peaceful and so naive... surrender is submission... submit to who? Can I trust them? Wont they take advantage of me? Dont I need to protect myself? Surrendering sounds too terrifying... I am not lucky enough to have it work... Of course I know there is no luck... thats just how I feel, you guys can surrender and everything will work out for you, if I surrender I will lose myself and people we take advantage of me, and I will get nothing... sigh... nothing but peace... which is supposed to be what I want... is wanting peace as bad as wanting all of the other things I want but cant get?
domokato wrote: Please do ask if you need more help understanding. That's what we're here for :)
Yeah, I hear you say that, and I know thats the purpose of this forum, but Im afraid of being branded "that perpetually negative person who takes our good words and ignores them" I dont want to be that person, but I just don't feel like I can surrender... so I feel like I have to fight it... fight peace... thats a strange concept... but thats what I do...

I had a really nice day today... and yet, when I came home I had such an overwhelming feeling of guilt, failure and general depression that I had to lay down for about 20 min before I could even feed my cats... then I forced myself to come here and read... think about positive things at least since I cant seem to stop thinking in general... I have about 50 other ideas for posts I wan to make, but I also have to wake up in 8 hours to go to work again, and I know the answers wouldn't be much different from those above... I dont have to change how I think... but I have to change something... I honestly don't know how to do it. But thank you for offering your assistance... I hope someday I can have the confidence to help someone else on a place like this.
I just want to understand

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