Learning to enjoy life

[Intel]

Hi guys,

So last week I was invited to a christmas party held for my workplace. I'm not a party person, but encouraged by friends I went along. It started at 7pm so I went along at 7:30. Virtually no one was around. A few male friends piled in so I decided to chat to them until the rest of the work force clocked out. Around 8:!5 the place was starting to get packed. The dj was spinning cool hip hop tracks whilst a few brave individuals got on the dance floor first and started grooving.

I headed over to the bar for a drink. I NEVER drink, but wanted a glass just so I looked busy. I asked a friend what a lightweight such as myself should get, he suggest courvosier(I think thats how its spelt) with pepsi. It had an interesting taste. I would have preferred the pepsi on its own, but at least I managed to sip on that glass for two hours straight. Another perk was that I could point to my drink as an excuse not to dance(which grew tired quickly).

I had fun speaking to the guys and taking pictures. But I wasn't able to muster the courage to get up and dance. To be honest, no desire arose within me to dance-that is until friends insisted I get up. They tugged at my wrist and sent disapproving looks and gestures my way. A female aquaintence who grew tired of my complacency finally reared me off my seat. I kept hold of my drink, but I was almost violently wretching her off me. I realised it would have looked very childish and so succumbed to the wishes off my peers and danced. I always assumed I had good rythm, but the dance floor proved me wrong. I didn't know what to do at all. I couldn't even two-step. Some people looked silly with their uncoordinated moves, but they were having a laugh. Whenever the one that roused me onto the dance floor left to dance with another person, it left me feeling awkward and a little disoriented. When the songs finished I scurried back to my seat and spoke to whoever was next to me.

It was a cool sight. Whenever two people got into intense moves, they started flashing white lights so it appeared as if they were moving in slow motion. You see these things in music videos, but its awesome viewing it in real life. One female colleague was grinding indiscriminately against any male that ventured her way. Even the manager. Wouldn't suprise me if she got a raise . Another young lady was robed in a panther dress. She had a fat juicy bum that jiggled everytime she walked, and those meaty tits were practically falling out of her dress. If I had some fries and a coke that ass would be good to go! Don't worry, nobody notices if you perve(not that i'm a pervert or nothing )

My question is, how do I learn to have fun and enjoy life? I just can't do it. I tried to at the party, but it proved difficult. In the past I have suffered from a lot of anxiety and self loathing. That was only last year. I have grown a bit since then, I would never have been able to attend a party thats for sure. But now i'm moving into the world and trying to interact with others on a social level, i'm lost. On monday I was greeted with "here comes the boring one". Boring! I never thought I would hear those words. I love to try out new things, but sometimes my nerves prevent me from accomplishing certain tasks. I want to learn how to let loose and just be wild sometimes. Its so foreign to me. I'm overly concerned of what others will think of me. Perhaps they'll think i'm an idiot, or not being myself etc. It still makes my heart race a little if more than 2 people are looking at me at once if i'm not speaking to them. I know some may reply "Why do you care if others percieve you as boring"? But these are my peers and I just want to deepen our relationship and have fun with them. Whether its considered egoic or not, everybody wants to enjoy their live, and I just want to find a way of doing the same.

There is another party coming up this weekend. Hopefully I can do things different. Your comments are well appreciated.

[domokato]

Presence is primary. Through presence you will discover yourself and be comfortable with yourself and maybe even comfortable enough to express yourself through dance. Enjoyment is a choice. It is like presence. You don't find a way to enjoy life, you just choose to enjoy it. It is your mind that says "you cannot enjoy life until this or that happens." But really, you can enjoy life right now. It doesn't even matter what you're doing. You can even enjoy pain (BDSM, anyone?).

Others perceive you as boring. Who cares? You are what you choose to be. If you believe you are boring because others think so, then you will be boring. Don't fight it. Let them believe what they want. Just focus on presence and change will happen naturally.

[Webwanderer]

How much of the time between this moment and the next party is going to be influanced with anxiety over how things will go when you get there? Domokato is right in his suggestion that presence is primary, but not the presence then - your presence now. Make the most of this moment, and this one, and this one. Live it with gratitude and engage it as if it was the only moment you will ever have. It is. Your anxiety of what others will think is a gift. What great stuff to challenge and play with. It's not like they are going to eat you. (well you can hope ) Let the spirit in you play with the spirit in them.

A primary purpose in life is to have experiences. Give that Essential Being that is you something different than the fear and reticense of the last party. Play with people. Think less, be more. Be a jokester, be a helper, be a dancer. If you find yourself holding back, laugh at it and take some chances. What have you got to lose but that label of the "boring one". At worst you will have some new experiences to ponder. On the other hand you might have some fun.

Either way congratulaitons, it's progress on a great adventure.

WW

[Intel]

Thanks for your replys. I agree WW, life isn't just about meditating and focusing your mind, its also about having fun experiences. Thats what I want. Domokato I don't know what it means to choose to enjoy life. From your perspective it may seem a little silly, but I really don't know how to have fun. I enjoy myself at times of course. But I have few memories I can point to and chuckle about. To be honest I was enjoying myself having a drink and watching other people on the dance floor. Like I mentioned earlier, I didn't have much of a desire to dance anyway, but this may have been inertia. I'm not going to think about the next party, I'll just let what happens come when its ready. There is one final problem. When I did get on the on the dance floor for one song I made a shocking revelation that has caused my ego to cower in the shadows...I have no rythm!

[Plorel]

Hi Intel

I guess its of no use to try to figure out what it would look like to have fun or what one must do to enjoy life.
The result would just be another role, the role of the happy person, who is enjoying life.
But thats not true enjoyment because its attached to a behaviour pattern, which needs confirmation by others, etc...

True joy and fun arises if you have trust in the guidance of life. That means living impulsively, because then acting arises from a deeper level than tought.
As result joy comes along as a byproduct so to say, because it just feels right.
There are just two problems. First you have to sense the impulse. Here comes presence in so you don't overlook it being lost in thought.
And second you have to follow it. Thats the point I am struggling with because often there is old conditioning that keeps me from doing what feels right.

"What will the people think; What does that look like; Wouldnt it be stupid; I can't do that, maybe I (my ego) get hurt etc..."

But everytime you detect such dotrince for what it really is, namely just thought, it will get weaker and eventually you have the choice to do what feels good.
So if it feels right (if there is the impulse) to dance, just do it without thinking about bad rythm. And if it feels right not to dance, dont do it, no matter what people think.

That at least seems to work for me
have fun at your next party!

[Sighclone]

Intel -

You are who you are today. You say:

To be honest I was enjoying myself having a drink and watching other people on the dance floor.

That's who you are. You do not have to dance to have fun. You are going to the party to have fun. What is fun for you is what it is...sitting and drinking. Tell the truth: "I don't like to dance - I need to practice a little alone until I can learn to do it." That is the real truth. If someone grabs your arm and pulls you, say "no" as firmly as necessary to be effective. Own your shyness, because today it is real. You might look someone in the eye and ask: "Is fun for you embarrasing me?" Don't discount your hesitation as "egoic" - just accept it. It is not necessary to do anything you do not want to do at the party. If you go with the full knowldege that you are not going to do anything you don't want to do, regardless of what anyone else wants "you to do," you will be fine. Practice a quality "no," if necessary.

Re dancing: learn alone, with a trusted friend or take a class. You can learn to sense rhythm - don't make some instant generalization about your skill in the tense environment of a company party. Lots of people can't do differential equations or read Arabic. Are they somehow "less" for that? No.

Now go to that second party and have "your kind" of fun.

Namaste, Andy

[grant]

or you could drink quite alot of alcohol which is what most people do.
wanting to be something you are not, (life of the party) what does that mean anyway!or just wanting to "be something" especially at this time of year is difficult with families and peer pressure to interact with.
i gave up drinking along time ago. i learnt to have "fun" without drinking. actually i learnt to be content without many things. mostly material things! thats the difference, be content with life, even when/if your not enjoying it. observe all things.
learning to enjoy life isn't all about fun though. if it was we'd all be practising.haha
just watching what go's on in your head, anxiousness/worry about the next situation is something to do whilst you get on with the reality of life. you can choose to get into a conversation with it or not.
does it matter what you do at the party? in the big picture? thats up to you. don't decide now. just be in the now. can you stop what goes on in your head? not inportant! just don't believe it all.

[randomguy]

I'm overly concerned of what others will think of me. Perhaps they'll think i'm an idiot, or not being myself etc. It still makes my heart race a little if more than 2 people are looking at me at once if i'm not speaking to them.

Maybe start with addressing that. If you care (react to other's perception) less, you will be able to hold present awareness more, and have more positive life energy, which is where creativity comes from (which is never boring in my opinion).

As someone who has worked with shyness (an ego protection mechanism), I began shifting my behavior by considering social interaction as a skill that I was determined to acquire, like painting a house. Advice along the lines of just stop caring what others think and be yourself may work well for some, but to me, it was akin to saying "Just go climb mount Everest, what's the problem?"

Below are some things (sort of detached behaviors) that helped me to feel more natural about interacting with people, making people feel more at ease with me, enjoying conversations and abandoning a worthless ego mechanism that protects nothing but illusions and pain (i.e. shyness)

1. When meeting people for the first time; smile, make eye contact, lean forward, and fill yourself with positive life energy. (Occupy your mind with doing that, and you will forget about what someone may think of you)

2. Listen, be interested, as a lot of questions.

3. Realize that ego attacks require no ego reaction. This can be very powerful. You could be surrounded by people commenting that you are boring and lame and you will sustain no injury unless you allow the identification with your ego to occur. The trick is to maintain your positive energy (what Tolle has described in the face of strong ego behavior as turning up your life force as if twisting up a dial). View whomever is around as fellow aware beings who are innocently erring by temporarily indulging their ego identity (i.e. use forgiveness). The two main category of replies that seem to work well for me, are (both with a smile); the neutral, light, slightly sarcastic response ("Thanks a lot, that's very helpful, very constructive") and the neutral, obvious, categorization or question ("That was harsh." or "Why would you say that?")


Anyway, a list from the world-of-forms self help, I admit. But it was good advice for me to receive nonetheless.

[Wings]

Intel, what I hear and feel from some of what you say appears to be a bit and sometimes allot of tightness. Tightness, in as much, that I sense allot of credence to thought is being given more than I, for one, care to give it any longer. Why, because thought loves to dwell, bore holes and indiscriminately shatter, discourage and do just about anything it can to make me/you realize it must be at center stage “ALL/MOST” of the time ……..guuuurrhh.

Dwelling, too, to much to dedicated thought, are mind designs, structured especially for you to be held in its grip for as long as credence to it speaks loud enough to foreshadow that which may have come from presence.

I’m far from being a purest in consciousness, and thus have my own style, my own way of dealing with life, as most of us do. Personally, for years I love to dance and have also taken lessons for floor expression for many, many years. Beyond all this, I too find I enjoy a Martini, before a night of dancing. Why, because I’ve convinced myself that that bit of looseness a good Martini gives me, some how allows me to get out and burn a hole on the dance floor with flair……..

By the time the evening is over and the sweat has poured the liquid spirits out from my pours, I’m as straight as an arrow, life is good and I’m ready to get home and tuck-in after a vigorous fun night of doing. The upside to all this, is I’m sitting here, like the rest of us expressing our own take on life, and another nice thing about it is, life is all around us while we’re doing this, and the invitation for more of it has always been there....

[domokato]

Domokato I don't know what it means to choose to enjoy life. From your perspective it may seem a little silly, but I really don't know how to have fun. I enjoy myself at times of course. But I have few memories I can point to and chuckle about. To be honest I was enjoying myself having a drink and watching other people on the dance floor. Like I mentioned earlier, I didn't have much of a desire to dance anyway, but this may have been inertia.

What you enjoy right now is having a drink and watching others. That's fine, but you can enjoy anything you want. Do you remember what it was like to be a child? You enjoyed pretty much everything. Escalators, hiding behind racks of clothing, jumping on furniture. Why? Because it was new and because you weren't bound by social obligations yet, so you did what you wanted to and enjoyed it. Eventually, this childlike enjoyment of things is lost because we become disillusioned with the world by buying into adult mindsets and ways of life. "Seeing" with the eyes of a child is one way to enjoy things again. Dancing like a moron is what comes to mind. Besides, if you've just enjoying yourself being silly and stupid, people will enjoy being with you . Or maybe you don't want to do that. Whatever. You're complete as you are.

[Wings]

Not quite certain who it was who said something like, “When you go out to dance, pretend and have fun as if no-one was watching.” Not sure if I quoted this correctly and was it Tolle or someone else who said this?

[MeMeMine]

"Live like it's Heaven on Earth, Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching."

That would be the famous quote from the worldly sage - George Bush Jr... my hero...