Please help me...

This is the place to post whatever questions you have related to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. The rest of us will do whatever we can to help you achieve a better understanding :)
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kmlittleton
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Please help me...

Post by kmlittleton » Fri Feb 13, 2009 8:31 am

Ok so if you read my last post, you know that I've been suffering from depression and anxiety... I was hospitalized and was given A New Earth to read in the behavioral health ward and it made me feel like there was hope.

It's been a month since I left the psych ward, and my anxious/depressive feelings are coming back. I just can't seem to allow myself to surrender to the Now... I keep thinking "well, NOW I feel anxious and depressed..."

The whole thing about eternal conciousness in scaring me... I'm trapped in my mind, analyzing every little thing in life and I wish I could stop, but it's so hard. Sometimes I feel like if I just put myself out of my misery I would have no more problems and I wouldn't even know I was gone...

Knowing that ET suffered from suicidal depression and found peace gives me hope that I can too... I just don't know how and it's so hard! I want so badly to just accept my life and be able to enjoy it and be at PEACE! I feel like I'm trapped in my mind/ego and can't find a way out! I don't know what to do... I'm so desperate! Can anyone help me?

The one thing I'm looking for is someone who's been in my position and recovered... I feel like nobody understands and can't relate. What can I do? How do I surrender to the now when I keep obsessing over death!? (I don't want to die, but sometimes I feel like it's the only way to solve my problems...) I've never attempted suicide and I don't plan to... I'm just worried that I'll get to the point where I won't be able to cope anymore... I want to be awakened!!

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DWBH1953
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Re: Please help me...

Post by DWBH1953 » Fri Feb 13, 2009 8:46 am

kmlittleton wrote:Ok so if you read my last post, you know that I've been suffering from depression and anxiety... I was hospitalized and was given A New Earth to read in the behavioral health ward and it made me feel like there was hope.

It's been a month since I left the psych ward, and my anxious/depressive feelings are coming back. I just can't seem to allow myself to surrender to the Now... I keep thinking "well, NOW I feel anxious and depressed..."

The whole thing about eternal conciousness in scaring me... I'm trapped in my mind, analyzing every little thing in life and I wish I could stop, but it's so hard. Sometimes I feel like if I just put myself out of my misery I would have no more problems and I wouldn't even know I was gone...

Knowing that ET suffered from suicidal depression and found peace gives me hope that I can too... I just don't know how and it's so hard! I want so badly to just accept my life and be able to enjoy it and be at PEACE! I feel like I'm trapped in my mind/ego and can't find a way out! I don't know what to do... I'm so desperate! Can anyone help me?

The one thing I'm looking for is someone who's been in my position and recovered... I feel like nobody understands and can't relate. What can I do? How do I surrender to the now when I keep obsessing over death!? (I don't want to die, but sometimes I feel like it's the only way to solve my problems...) I've never attempted suicide and I don't plan to... I'm just worried that I'll get to the point where I won't be able to cope anymore... I want to be awakened!!
Are you still taking the meds they gave you when you were released?
They should be helping you if your taking them.
You first need to get a handle on your present state NOW.
Even if I had a magic wand and hit you with it now and you awoke that is not going to help you with what is going on now.
I feel uncomfortable in suggesting anything unless I know you have called your doctor and spoke about whats going on NOW.
Please do that for me, I know I would feel better knowing you made that call.
You are not alone with this.
Make the call
Bless you
Randji
Do not meditate-be!
Do not think that you are-be!
Do not think about being-you are!
Sri Ramana

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eagle2phoenix
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Re: Please help me...

Post by eagle2phoenix » Fri Feb 13, 2009 9:29 am

Agree with Randji that you need to continue taking your meds til you are well on a mental level. I have been having bouts of depression for 5 years now. Talk with your doctor first before trying to awaken yourself. You will need to find out what causes you to be in depression.

Recently I got a book called The Zen Path through Depression which has helped a bit to accept and be friendly with the depression instead of fighting it. If it comes, let it come. Experience it to the fullest, really look at it. And then let it go. Don't blame yourself for what is going on inside of you.

Hang in there, the Light is with you.

Love & light
Life is fascinating. Nature is beautiful. Live life with nature.

piercej
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Re: Please help me...

Post by piercej » Fri Feb 13, 2009 10:38 am

hello.

because you asked for input from those who have had similar experiences, maybe my experience will be of some help. first off, thank you for the opportunity to hear you. whatever help it seems the words here may cause, it is only the potential already within you that is helping.

i will try to address your message as clearly and directly as possible.

before i begin, it may be helpful to respond to one of your last comments..."The one thing I'm looking for is someone who's been in my position and recovered..." Well, fortunately for my situation, I have been in this situation and fortunately i have recovered. Please remember that the details of "a story" are only real as a thought, and ultimately have no power over the truth of what we are, and therefor have no power over our happiness now. "My details" include being what I considered beyond suicidal. I wished for death always, and felt envious of those who had the luxury of commiting suicide. I could not because I have a daughter. The details are lengthy and dramatic like everyone else's but are not much good to you here, so I will just summarize by saying that believe me, I was in the worst kind of imagined hell. I understand.

I have been lucky enough to have completely recovered primarily through Eckharts pointers. I honestly live in complete and total happiness every day. I have lost everything and have very little now, and wouldn't have it any other way. By some undescribable miracle, inner peace has come to stay, and I cannot possibly imagine a scenario that would cause it to leave. It is of no credit to me, only to the reality of the power of truth. It is there for anyone at any moment. It is far more real than your next breath of air.

Ok, with that said... you said, "my anxious/depressive feelings are coming back. I just can't seem to allow myself to surrender to the Now... I keep thinking "well, NOW I feel anxious and depressed..."
- "i keep thinking". this is a source of your feelings. your thoughts are a cause, your feelings and emotions are your body's biological effect to that cause. You are not those thoughts. Those thoughts are a tool of your biology to ensure survival through survival of the ego. they are also heavily influenced by a lifetime of exposure to a completely insane culture. Negative thoughts are not reality, they only exist in a life we give them. We determine thought, and its validity, or it does the same to us as we both have experienced. :) I cannot stress this point enough. I'm trying as hard as I know how to point to this truth, to explain the benefit of disidentifying with thought...
If you do not meditate daily, I suggest you do, and I humbly suggest you practice NOT thinking. No thought. It is not a comptetition or a goal, it is simply an exercise of observance. When thought begins, as soon as you recognize it, allow its appearance to amuse you and then choose to let go of it, and return to the absence of thought. You are not your thoughts. You are not your body. You are not any lable. You are simply an interconnected energy who currently happens to be witnessing the illusion of life from a specific point of view. We are all the same conciousness just playing out "life" from various different camera angles through various different lenses of our choosing.

You mentioned, "The whole thing about eternal conciousness in scaring me... I'm trapped in my mind, analyzing every little thing in life and I wish I could stop, but it's so hard. Sometimes I feel like if I just put myself out of my misery I would have no more problems and I wouldn't even know I was gone..."
- I would be willing to venture that eternal conciousness is not scaring you, but the thought of existing eternally in misery and uncertainty does. We cannot fathom eternal conciousness... its one of those issues we have to accept as, "I don't know", and be okay with. Letting go of the need to control everything, understand everything, grasp everything, is indescribably liberating. "We don't know" is probably the truest statement ever uttered by humankind. If we attach fear with the unknown, we sentence ourselves to suffering. Let go of the need to understand everything.
Putting yourself out of your misery is validation for being a victim. Your ego wants so desperately to be special, unique, and valued, that it will choose misery if it has to. It will choose pain if it is rewarded with attention. Your ego is not what you are. The ego is the cause of our suffering, and yet we cling to it. Realizing this truth and letting go is our purpose.
I also felt "trapped in my mind" until I realized that while my body as this form appears limited, the reality is that conciousness is not. My interpretation of spaciousness liberated me from any further feelings of being trapped. This realization was helped immensely when I learned how science can prove the interconnectedness of form in all things. I cannot describe this liberation further, I apologize, but it would be like trying to describe the sensation of warmth to an iceburg... you just cease to exist in one form and transfer to another capable of enjoying warmth.

Yes, there is a way out of your suffering obviously because so many have done it before us under circumstances immensely more difficult. That is a simple description but it serves as a good starting point. No one can help you, they can only point, but it wont matter if you are not willing to confront your very sense of identity from the day you were born with courage and persistence. Your ego is causing your suffering. It is a white hot rock and until you let it go by exposing it to the light of the present moment where it cannot exist, this discontent will continue. Whether you believe everyone or no one, the truth is the truth. If I only know one thing true, it is that truth exists, and it's within our reach.

I will end by saying that I fail at keeping my ego in check on a daily, if not hourly basis. My ego sometimes influences what I even write here and why. Believe me I am faaaar from perfect. You will fail at times too. It is a truth, so be ready for it with an acceptance, not an invitation for old habits.

I don't know you in the conventional sense, but I know what it is like to be human, and so I feel I do know you, and so I definitely believe in you and guess what... everyone else here does to, so dont screw it up LOL bye for now ;)

I wish you the best of luck, hope, and an endless sense of humor along the way. Keep us updated. :)

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Webwanderer
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Re: Please help me...

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Feb 13, 2009 3:55 pm

kmlittleton, have you heard the old saw about: "when your up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember that your purpose in being there is to drain the swamp"? To recognize a mind spinning out of control one needs some context that is greater than the mind. You have it, it's called presence-awareness. It's who/what you really are; and it's just temporarily overshadowed with all the intense energies of self-judgment about how you see yourself and the world at large. It needs to be seen that this vision of "me" is just a ball of thoughts - identified with. Recognize the truth (and this can only be seen from stillness), and genuine clarity of being returns. But you must honestly look, and be willing to accept the truth as it is. Conclusions about truth will only serve to limit them. Any attempts of analysis, while useful as pointers, will ultimately fail. Recognition is not an intellectual quality.

If you have a fixation about death, it may be worthwhile to take an honest closer look. Understand, life and death are not opposites. Closer would be birth and death. Life goes on. But in my investigations, it appears that life in this world is not a random act. It has purpose and value. Look into the vast body of information now available on Near Death Experiences. Kenneth Ring, Michael Newton, Mellon-Thomas Benedict, Nanci Danison to name just a few. The point in doing this research is not to offer a way out of physical life, but to gain some perspective about being here, and thereby benefit in the experience.

Depression is a result of being caught up in, and living through, a destructive, judgmental perception about our value as a being and the unfairness of life. But there is a natural order to things. It's just that while your face is in the mud of destructive thinking it's difficult to see the beauty that can grow out of it. Studying the bigger picture brings perspective to our pain and circumstance. Once living that perspective, we can recognize the harmful mental habits that keep us locked in self-punishing stories. And once we recognize that it is not life that pushes our face in the mud through some personal vendetta, but own judgments and misperceptions, we can look with clear vision and begin to enjoy the garden. As always be gentile with yourself. It is only the ego/mind that creates unnecessary harshness and condemnation. And be patient - and steadfast. Demand for results on an arbitrary timescale is only more fuel for the ego/mind to prove itself a failure. The truth will set you free.

WW

kmlittleton
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Re: Please help me...

Post by kmlittleton » Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:08 pm

DWBH1953 wrote: Are you still taking the meds they gave you when you were released?
They should be helping you if your taking them.
You first need to get a handle on your present state NOW.
Even if I had a magic wand and hit you with it now and you awoke that is not going to help you with what is going on now.
I feel uncomfortable in suggesting anything unless I know you have called your doctor and spoke about whats going on NOW.
Please do that for me, I know I would feel better knowing you made that call.
You are not alone with this.
Make the call
Bless you
Randji
Yes, I'm taking 150mg of Zoloft during the day, and 1mg Lunesta, .5mg Risperdone, and 50mg of Seroquel at night. I have a doctor I see once every 2 weeks and a therapist I see once a week (I also do biofeedback once a week) so I have a lot of help. It's just that I know that meds aren't going to fix my problem... I need stability in the ever-changing world and I feel like ET's teachings could really help me if I knew how to just surrender. I need to learn to accept the things I cannot change and just to stop thinking... it's easier said than done. When I try to concentrate on something else during an anxiety attack, my mind keeps wandering back to "this is so hard... I can't cope..." etc.

I just keep thinking "what's the point of of anything?"... when you're depressed, nothing seems fulfilling and nothing brings you happiness so it's difficult to concentrate of things that don't actually make you happy. But the I keep analyzing every little thing I come across and it's so overwhelming and I just can't accept it! It's so hard... Like Eckhart says, "You can't cope with the future" and I know that... it's just so hard for me to channel into the Now and stop my compulsive thinking. I don't want life to be hard anymore.

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DWBH1953
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Re: Please help me...

Post by DWBH1953 » Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:29 pm

kmlittleton wrote:
DWBH1953 wrote: Are you still taking the meds they gave you when you were released?
They should be helping you if your taking them.
You first need to get a handle on your present state NOW.
Even if I had a magic wand and hit you with it now and you awoke that is not going to help you with what is going on now.
I feel uncomfortable in suggesting anything unless I know you have called your doctor and spoke about whats going on NOW.
Please do that for me, I know I would feel better knowing you made that call.
You are not alone with this.
Make the call
Bless you
Randji
Yes, I'm taking 150mg of Zoloft during the day, and 1mg Lunesta, .5mg Risperdone, and 50mg of Seroquel at night. I have a doctor I see once every 2 weeks and a therapist I see once a week (I also do biofeedback once a week) so I have a lot of help. It's just that I know that meds aren't going to fix my problem... I need stability in the ever-changing world and I feel like ET's teachings could really help me if I knew how to just surrender. I need to learn to accept the things I cannot change and just to stop thinking... it's easier said than done. When I try to concentrate on something else during an anxiety attack, my mind keeps wandering back to "this is so hard... I can't cope..." etc.

I just keep thinking "what's the point of of anything?"... when you're depressed, nothing seems fulfilling and nothing brings you happiness so it's difficult to concentrate of things that don't actually make you happy. But the I keep analyzing every little thing I come across and it's so overwhelming and I just can't accept it! It's so hard... Like Eckhart says, "You can't cope with the future" and I know that... it's just so hard for me to channel into the Now and stop my compulsive thinking. I don't want life to be hard anymore.
Oh My I am not a doctor but that a lots of meds. Zolloft as a SSRI has lots of bad side effects have you tried Lexapro? Lunesta also can do strange things do you sleep well using it or wake up in a few hours? Your very doses are very heavy if you switch doctors they will probably give you differnt meds than these. One thing if Zoloft is not working and your still depressed they switch because this is so common with this type of drug and it makes no sense to keep taking it if your not getting good results. You can switch with no problem what you cannot do is just stop but I have known people that switch from Zoloft to another SRRI and are doing great. SSRIs vaaries much from person to person you need to use one that is hitting the correct neuro transmitters if not then all you end up with is bad side effects. The good news is there are many differnt ones out there so if Zolofy is not working tell your doctor you want to switch .With all those meds and the kind they are you will not be able to focus well and be calm. I do not have a url or name but there is a great support board for folks with medical issues on the net supported by WebMD . So please talk to your doctor soon because a correct SRRI can really do wonders for you.
Peace
Randji
Do not meditate-be!
Do not think that you are-be!
Do not think about being-you are!
Sri Ramana

doug
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Re: Please help me...

Post by doug » Sat Feb 14, 2009 2:13 am

listen to Randji here...

piercej
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Re: Please help me...

Post by piercej » Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:32 pm

does anyone have a reference to what Eckhart says about taking prescription drugs for mood disorders or mental illnesses and for how long? thanks...

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eagle2phoenix
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Re: Please help me...

Post by eagle2phoenix » Sat Feb 14, 2009 4:21 pm

kmlittleton wrote:
Yes, I'm taking 150mg of Zoloft during the day, and 1mg Lunesta, .5mg Risperdone, and 50mg of Seroquel at night. I have a doctor I see once every 2 weeks and a therapist I see once a week (I also do biofeedback once a week) so I have a lot of help. It's just that I know that meds aren't going to fix my problem... I need stability in the ever-changing world and I feel like ET's teachings could really help me if I knew how to just surrender. I need to learn to accept the things I cannot change and just to stop thinking... it's easier said than done. When I try to concentrate on something else during an anxiety attack, my mind keeps wandering back to "this is so hard... I can't cope..." etc.

I just keep thinking "what's the point of of anything?"... when you're depressed, nothing seems fulfilling and nothing brings you happiness so it's difficult to concentrate of things that don't actually make you happy. But the I keep analyzing every little thing I come across and it's so overwhelming and I just can't accept it! It's so hard... Like Eckhart says, "You can't cope with the future" and I know that... it's just so hard for me to channel into the Now and stop my compulsive thinking. I don't want life to be hard anymore.
Hi kmlittleton.
Firstly, I just attended my monthly Mental Health Association Depression Support Group meeting this evening and one of the resource who was a psychiatric nurse in the UK told us that combination of medication is discouraged because one drug may act against the effect of another. At one time, I was taking 4 meds - Efexor 262.5mg (anti depressant - SNRI), Epilim 1g (mood stabilizer), Stilnox (sleeping tablet) and Frisium (for anxiety). It took a toll. My mental self slowed down due to the high doses. Pls check with your doctor and pharmacist on your drugs.

In my initial 1st year with depression in 2005 age 41, I suffered 3 bouts including hospitalization in the 3rd episode. I went thru very similar experience as you now. During my 3rd bout, I found PON and it helped me cope for a while. I did not have any bouts for about a year. And then due to work related issues and negative energy at workplace, I got into depression again and have had 5-6 bouts since. The good news is that the length of time to recover from each bout shortened from 8 weeks to 6 weeks to 5 weeks to 2 weeks.

All thru the period, I found peace with PON and ANE along with books by Osho along with walks in the park, drawing, meditating and yoga. Today I am still depressive moods but it's OK. I am friends with my depression, and I take the opportunity to go for walks, fish and do gardening. I have good support from my husband, my family and my support group. Like 7worlds in his thread, I don't have much thoughts about many things now compared to before. I have less questions about life and depression. I enjoy driving in traffic jams, walking in the rain, looking at trees, walking on streams.

One important thing a spiritual teacher told me was to let go my delusions about seeing the Buddha and Jesus and wanting to be a healer, and focus on sitting down quietly.

There are no simple solution to depression but let time heal, and get into a support group. It helps to be with people who are/were sufferers because, as we talked today, it is normal to have some sort of mental illness. Famous people who have suffered include Abraham Lincoln, Churchill, great artists like Leonardo da Vinci, Michealangelo, van Gogh, Beethoven, Einstein, actors like Harrison Ford, Drew Barrymore, Gwenyth Palthrow, Hugh Laurie and many more, writers like Dickens, TS Elliot, Tolstoy, Keats. In fact, we concluded today that we are more normal than the normal people! :D
Life is fascinating. Nature is beautiful. Live life with nature.

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