ADDICTION

This is the place to post whatever questions you have related to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. The rest of us will do whatever we can to help you achieve a better understanding :)
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imski
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ADDICTION

Post by imski » Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:03 pm

I come to this site often for help, advise and sanctity in the posts people write (it really has helped me though some difficult times and help me keep my head when all around 'feels' at a loss) I have had a rollercoaster ride since reading PON and ANE (fighting with my ego was a tough battle in the early months) but 'NOW' feel i'm a really good place.......Mostly i feel at ease and peaceful, remaining in the now and not allowing my thoughts to dictate my day, its almost second nature, occasionally slipping back into my head (usually when i am pre-menstral).

I am finding it really hard with my partner.......we both used to take recreational drugs at the weekend and i have cut down, infact my use is almost non extent as i can see how much it affects my state of mind and my ability to remain in the present the following day. The problem is my partner......he is still doing it (coke) and is finding it almost impossible to stop doing it at the weekends. He associates it with having 'fun' or an accompaniment to a drink......i can literally see how much he is in the grips of it and how much he tries to fit his ego to not do it.....but he is failing, massively and as much as i try to help him fight it.....its becoming a loosing battle and i don't know what to do.

I know he wants to stop or at least cut down, but he just doesn't know how to. He (or his ego) is extremely good at telling himself this or that story - he only does it at the weekend so its not that bad - he's had a bad week at work so deserves it - its a (another) special occasion so its ok - there is always some reason to justify it which fuels him to continue doing it. I feel like its starting to destroy our relationship as now he is starting to lie to me about when he has done it. He says he knows he shouldn't be doing it, he even feels anxious about doing it because he knows its wrong, but yet he still does it - its as it nothing will stop him.....

I love him and want to help him get through this - he has so many great qualities and is a good person and i know this has more to do with him emotionally than physically - but i just don't know what more i can do or say to help him.

He says as a child he always felt like he never had what he wanted, so now as an adult, he has this addictive personality which when he wants something, he'll just get it regardless of the consequences (he is the same with spending money). We both know the root of the problem, which i thought might help us untangle his emotions and help deal with current situation..... but it hasn't.....

I feel at a total loss and am trying to not let my ego return playing the 'victim' card. I want to help him, but i'm not sure what more i can do.....

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Webwanderer
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Re: ADDICTION

Post by Webwanderer » Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:12 pm

Hi imski, welcome to our forum. There are a few of our members that have a more clinical backround than I and hopefully they will contribute some useful insight.

My own sense is to help him experience what you have. That is the richness and beauty of clear presence. It's this same preference for clarity that pushed marijuana out of my life and that of my wife. No one had to tell us it was in the way of a more qualitative way of being. It just became slowly obvious. I never really quit, I just lost interest in light of a more preferable experience of being.

I suggest that during the week when he is not so caught in the habits of the weekend, you find opportunities to share in presence-awareness practices. Now this assumes he has an interest in Tolle's teachings.

Listen to, or watch some Tolle recordings, or Adyashanti's True Meditation, or any or the excellent teachers of awakening that appeal to you. Sit together in silence for a while and experience thought free clarity of being. When you sense he and you have had a particularly clear and present moment, and without pressing, point out that the beautiful clarity you have just experienced is why drugs are no longer appealing, as they block out this sense of being. Remember it's just a pointer, he must recognize it for himself. This is an offering of you own realization, and not a manipulation to press him to change. Egos tend to resist pressure and can be counter productive. If done in love and acceptance pointers are easier to digest.

Then maybe on the weekends early you might share a ten minute youtube with him just to start the day. Again there are tons of shorts available by any number of teachers. Review them in advance so you have one you like. Scott Kiloby has a lot of excellent short and longer vids that breakout clarity in a perceptable way. Mooji, Leanard Jacobson, Catherine Ingram, all are good. Once you find out who he likes focus on these. The path to freedom lies within him as it does all of us. When it's clear by virtue of direct experience that clarity is preferable to drug induced sensation, the desire for escape through drugs will begin to drop away. Again, other than a gentle suggestion, this must be recognized directly to have the power to transform.

WW

Juno
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Re: ADDICTION

Post by Juno » Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:58 pm

WW metioned Kiloby. Kiloby.com has a good site when it comes to addicts.
by thinking of something you create an entity and by thinking of nothing you create another. Let such erroneous thinking perish utterly, and then nothing will remain for you to go seeking!
Huang Po

imski
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Location: Leeds

Re: ADDICTION

Post by imski » Sat Feb 28, 2009 12:09 pm

Thankyou both so much for your help......

It seems that we have made some progress....I realised from your post WW that i was starting to apply too much pressure making it worse. Last night i almost sat back and thought, let it be - and it seems we have turned a bit of a corner......

I love this site so much and all the wonderful people and posts on it....

xx

imski
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Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:54 pm
Location: Leeds

Re: ADDICTION

Post by imski » Thu Mar 05, 2009 8:39 pm

I am really struggling again......I thought we had made some progress last week, but it seems he is up to his usual tricks of hiding it from me. I don't know what to do. It makes me feel sick with frustration and constant ego-state thoughts of thinking what am i going to do. This isn't the life i want. I don't even like being around him or near him when he's done coke. I try to point him in the direction of the now rather than trying to escape it all the time, but nothing seems to work - he is totally uninterested in appreciating all that is......

When i do just 'go with the flow' and try to accept the situation, i find myself thinking, why should i, this isn't what i want, when is he going to stop - is he ever going to stop - is this my life.....

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domokato
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Re: ADDICTION

Post by domokato » Fri Mar 06, 2009 4:12 am

Don't struggle. Don't fight. Just be with him.
~housecat

randomguy
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Re: ADDICTION

Post by randomguy » Fri Mar 06, 2009 4:16 pm

I try to point him in the direction of the now rather than trying to escape it all the time, but nothing seems to work - he is totally uninterested in appreciating all that is......
Does that work, will it ever work? Has anyone else been able to change your mind like that? Is it possible that he sees "appreciating all that is" as your new coke, and you are the one that has changed? Is there a "He should..." belief that underlies your expectations of him? Is this belief true? Have you attached your emotions to this belief? How would you feel without such expectations? Can you appreciate his tricks and dishonesty as what he does and part of all that is? Isn't he also a teacher? Doesn't he at the very least teach you how drugs are negative in your life?

Changing him seems hopeless. Attaching your peace to his future change is insane. What else is really in control beyond questioning your own mind?

Check out his page http://everypathis.org/ where someone posted some sections of Byron Katie's "The Truth Behind Addiction."
Check this one out: 04 The Truth Behind Addiction CD 2.1
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho

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