My parents........

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Rymdblomma
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My parents........

Post by Rymdblomma » Tue May 19, 2009 4:15 pm

Hello!

Im reading Power of Now and feel greatly enthusiastic of the new discoveries about life.

However there is this one thing I need to sort out, if im on the right track or not.. Concering this acceptance-thing.

Ive had a traumatic relationship to my parents. I finaly decided to stop spending time with them, to cut the cord (Im 28 years old :lol: ) and start living my life more independently, wich have been such a relief, and Ive grown much from this. The thing is that my mum has a very active painbody, and she keeps blaming, taunting, being a martyr/victim and craving attention, constanty talking about her job/her self and all of those things she does activates MY painbody.. (I tried before to make my mum work with me, using our problems as a way to grow togheter, supporting eachother, but that did't work for her.)

My birhday is comming up in a couple of days and she wrote to me asking if they could visit with a few presents. I said no, and that was when I realized that the "problem" is that I/my inner child/ego, things that Iam responsible for her pain that I might activate by turning them down.

So... I was thinking that if I could get over my sense of responsibility for my mums pain, then the last resistence would disappear.
It's just that I dont want to hang out with them, cous there's notning in it for me, we dont have much in comon. Its like my ego have melted into my mums painbody, feeling her pain. This can not be the same as being empathic.


What do you think???
Love/Karolina

And one wonderful thing that happened: when I read about "washing away" neagative energy in a relationship i started thinking about my mum, and automaticly i could feel how a load of heavy, dark energy just flushed away. Our contact was healing it self right then and there. A few days later i had my period, but without the terrible cramps ive had for years!

johny
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Re: My parents........

Post by johny » Wed May 20, 2009 5:23 am

I have had traumatic relationship with my parents too. And I am too staying alone. But I am visiting my family now. What I think about your
situation is that forgive your mother for being identified with her painbody, and forgive yourself for feeling responsible for it in some way.
Just let things be and rejoice in them.
Surrendered laziness is my birth right --Johny
If your post/response was more than 5 lines I probably have not/will not read it. Drop me a PM if you want me to.

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Sighclone
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Re: My parents........

Post by Sighclone » Wed May 20, 2009 7:03 am

Welcome Rymdblomma. Eckhart says there are three things we can do with difficult challenges: 1) accept them, 2) change them or 3) remove yourself from them. That is not rocket science, of course. It sounds like you have done #3 because the first two would not work. I would say that you should sit down with yourself and write down exactly what kind of relationship you want with your mother now. Then sit down with her, possibly with a counselor present, and tell her exactly what is Ok with you. It might include things like "no more than ten minutes per week." Clarify that you will not be her crying towel for problems at work. -- Or whatever you can tolerate. Not bringing presents is a good thing -- she is trying to start up the old dysfunctional relationship and buy her way back into your good graces. Insist on your independence, and enforce that it is not for sale.

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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Rymdblomma
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Re: My parents........

Post by Rymdblomma » Wed May 20, 2009 12:58 pm

Thank you Johny and Andy for your replies!

Johny: Yes.. Yesterday i felt for a couple of seconds a deep love to her, because of how much pain she carries.

Andy: Thanks! Why I did decide to cut them off was because when i made it clear how i wanted her to treat me, she turned it against me with more pain, locking her self up in a mechanical way of being to please me, therse a lot of collective women-pain there. I dont want her to please me of course, and told her so but cant seem to reach her. She cant be the mother i need her to be but i accepted that when i cut the cord.

Yep! Youre so right on spot. No presents.. :) She's been trying since i can remember to tie me to her by making herself indispensable in different ways.


Love
/Karolina

Peaceman
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Re: My parents........

Post by Peaceman » Wed May 20, 2009 9:43 pm

Karolina, I am sure a lot of mums and daughters on this site can empathise with you! When my children were little I seriously wanted to join a kibbutz after reading Bruno Bettelheim "The Children of the Dream" (shows how old I am?!) . Most families are the worse possible places for children. I totally agree with your decision to severe ties, albeit for a short time. It is sometimes the only way to make the pain-body person realise. But she is not going to change any time soon believe me. A lifetime of building her defences and her "ego" will not be pulled down easily. I have found when dealing with close relations like this ,is to gently point out , as conversations get underway, how YOU are seeing things. It prevents you from being swamped by her pain-body. (Not so much "YOU" as where her pain is appearing.) Also one has to be aware not all people are drawn to spirituality or things like that and no matter how much we may want them to "see" they just dont want to know. In this case you then have to protect the space around you, which as you have found out, is very hard, if you are not a very adept practitioner! So your severance, to my mind, was the correct thing to do until you become stronger....or is it weaker??!! more able to accept others pain-body without being affected by them.

Tony-S-Ma
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Re: My parents........

Post by Tony-S-Ma » Thu May 21, 2009 1:40 am

This may be out of place. In traditional Chinese Culture, honor one's parents is the highest virtue one may acquire. Perhaps, born in Western Culture, learning such virtue is not part of the lesson in Life. One of my personal regrets in this life is that I did not understand honoring my parents until they passed away. I have the greatest respect for those who have the virtue of honoring their parents. The co-worker who I mentioned in Awareness of Chinese Tea has this virtue drilled into him. He always treats elders of his family with honor and respect.

Ten commandments were designed to awake people up to Awareness in Moses' time; however, the essence of it may still apply today.

Peaceman
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Re: My parents........

Post by Peaceman » Thu May 21, 2009 8:02 am

Yes Tony it is definitely a cultural thing. China and India have a totally different culture regarding parents, I think it is understanding the culture that matters. Some families are very detached from each other and this makes it easier n some ways for the children, whereas others express their pain -body and draw the children in, this is what she is talking about.

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Rymdblomma
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Re: My parents........

Post by Rymdblomma » Thu May 21, 2009 11:21 am

Peaceman: thank you for your support. Yes, you are definitely right (in my opinion) about families being the worst place for a child. Ive seen "Supernanny" and the families she visits.. i dont know if the damage is wors before she got there.. or after.. Haha, yes im verry awear of that she is not going to change, maby i should give her The Power of Now ;) She too has done a tremendous work with herself, and really trying, but on a base of pain you can only get so far.. Yes, being as clear as possible puts out the worst fire.

Tony-S-Ma: thank you for your post. Yes I know that, it's a beutiful thing, as long as it's deserved, thats what respekt is about for me. I feel like i respekt my mum with being straigt and honest with her, showing her what that can look like. I know that she looks up to me, and the greatest gift i can give her is to be true to my self and not let anyone make me belive that im not worth the best, especially not one or both of my parents. Im sure the higher essense of my mum gives me all the love for doing this, but her fysical self isnt connected with that essens because of the painbody sadly. Allso there is no way i can do everything "right" and please her needs: they are neverending.. As being a child, a victime of sexual abuse i am glad i can even call her my mum. So ive come a long way with forgiveness even if im not quite there yet, but want to and will be.

But its interesting this, honoring your parents. I think you should do that, not blindly, but when your reddy, and if i come to a point in life were i can do that not only intellectually, as now, but with all my heart, it would be a generous and brave victory, to overcome bad history. Its just down to finding MY way to get there. And boy have i found comfort in Tolle!! :D :D ~§~ Through Tolle's teachings i can se how beatuiful my mum is, how much effort she has made to do what she tough was the "rigth" thing. In one perspective, that's allways enough.

Love
/Karolina

Mesquared
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Re: My parents........

Post by Mesquared » Thu May 21, 2009 6:33 pm

Hi, Karolina!

Since awakening with A New Earth last year, I seemed to push and pull with my mother's painbody and ego. My father was looking for peace. My evolution was easier for him. In fact, he seemed quite excited when I cautiously talked about some of my inspiration.

However, it's been different with my mother. I would resist her pain so much. I would get angry. It took me a year to really understand Eckhart's question: "Can you be the space for this?" I also try to be compassionate with her. If being in my parents' environment as a kid caused/shaped me, then what made it so difficult *for them?* Oh, the pain they must have experienced.....it was also a different time. I doubt they had much access to consciousness-raising resources or something or someone to unlock their awareness on all things in Nature. The resources they did have were hidden under layers of form.

I empathize with your concerns. I also take deep breaths to center myself when her painbody is in full force. I do think her energy is changing though, and *I* have awakened to the little ways her Spirit shines through, as it always has.

I hope this helps, at least in some small way.

M2

P.S. Tony-S-Ma: I never considered the commandment of Honor Your Parents in a conscious way. Could Moses have meant, "Yes, your parents have caused you pain, you may be more conscious of God now, but still...honor them?" Hmmmm.....

Tony-S-Ma
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Re: My parents........

Post by Tony-S-Ma » Thu May 21, 2009 6:59 pm

P.S. Tony-S-Ma: I never considered the commandment of Honor Your Parents in a conscious way. Could Moses have meant, "Yes, your parents have caused you pain, you may be more conscious of God now, but still...honor them?" Hmmmm.....
I am a Chinese born in China. I rebelled against many Chinese traditions. Amongst my peers, I was the worst as far as honoring and respecting elders in the family were concerned during my younger years. Please understand, Chinese Culture is very family oriented. Such culture tradition survives through honoring and respecting elders in the family. In certain sense, honoring and respecting elders teaches unconditional love. On the other side of the formula, elders of the family are expected to behave more honorably and be good examples for the youths.

OnthePath
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Re: My parents........

Post by OnthePath » Thu May 21, 2009 11:25 pm

I, too, come from a culture where we honor our parents no matter how they are. I have had my share of problems with my mother but it's my mother. There is nothing I can do but accept her the way she is.

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Blackberry
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Re: My parents........

Post by Blackberry » Fri May 22, 2009 11:36 pm

I feel for you! I know how you feel too. I feel really guilty for protecting myself from my Mum but It's something I have to do. I look at it this way; My Mums not welcome around me or my own family until I see the back of my pain body for good. And I am trying!

My Mums like my Kryptonite and I have to feel super for my own children!!

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Rymdblomma
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Re: My parents........

Post by Rymdblomma » Thu May 28, 2009 9:18 am

Blackberry: that's a very good advice <3 Thank you!

/Karolina

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Marcel Franke
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Re: My parents........

Post by Marcel Franke » Thu May 28, 2009 11:30 am

A lot of parents are the best teachers.
They show which way not to go.
---ooOoo---

Tony-S-Ma
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Re: My parents........

Post by Tony-S-Ma » Thu May 28, 2009 3:32 pm

Marcel Franke wrote:A lot of parents are the best teachers.
They show which way not to go.
Yes, I really become a my parent-not. They were very happily married. I am happily divorced and alone. They earned their livings with their thinking functions. I fill my tummy with my labor. They had beliefs. I have faith. They learned laws and philosophy in universities. I learned Mathematics. They use what they learned in universities to make living. I do not. ...

In some twisted way, I am much happier than I perceive they were. Had I have the chance, I would teach them faith. Other parent-not's are just individual choices.

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