Staying present when people are destroying your life

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Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Buds » Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:53 pm

Lately I have been feeling very confused and have a real sense of dread.

My older brother got married last year to someone who was in cahoots with her family to use my brother's money to start a business and then steal from him.
Well, he caught on and once he asked to see the books, his wife moved out and back home to her mother. Well, long story short...he is being given the run around....trying to get his money back.

I feel horrible for him yes but more because I have no idea how to stop these feelings of anger and feelings of wanting to get revenge. How in the name of God do you stay present when someone is destroying your life? I know it is not "my" life but I am very close to my family so if they are hurting, so am I.

I feel as if I dont have a clue about enlightenment. I thought I did but obviously I am way off. I try and try to focus and try to get back to that spacious place that Eckhart talks about but within minutes I am on the phone with my other brother yelling, bitching and complaining about this family and what they are doing to my brother.

Please help. I feel trapped in anger.
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby student2u » Wed Nov 04, 2009 6:06 pm

Hi Buds,

This is what I see:

Whatever has happened or is happening with your brother is his life situation, which does not matter absolutely. On the other hand, you brother may even learn something about life from that experience…………

You feel horrible for your brother because you see your brother as a victim in that experience. While the truth is there is no victim in the real sense. Things sometimes happen for some reason that may not be understood by the conditioned human mind while there is always something good in something seemingly bad, vice versa. It’s hard to say now what’s good out of your brother’s this experience…. Maybe in a later “now” the goodness of this unfortunate experience may be revealed……..

Don’t try to stop feeling horrible………accept what is still happening with your brother’s life situation……feeling whatever you are feeling……while being aware that feeling horrible does not change anything that has happened and that nothing that has happened or is happening matters absolutely as the essence of one’s life is not dependent on any given life situation….the essence of life is all the same in everyone, including your brother‘s wife and her family………...the real Life is eternally perfect………and “this (life situation) too shall pass”……………

…….revenge can only make you feel more horrible………you do know that……just need to remember it……….

There is no one who can destroy another’s life unless he or she allows other individuals to do so……this is a simple truth………….

……no need to get stuck on the term “enlightenment”…..you can still be the space while your other brother complaining about that family and repeating the story……just be aware that whatever happens does not matter absolutely…….hold the awareness that this too shall pass………just listen…..no analysis……no additional thinking on the complaining…….no judgment either way………

….... be okay with no longer taking sides either way…….your brother may not understand your “calmness” like this for now, but you know you are helping your family immensely this way……..as this is the way to real peace……eventually…..

May peace be with you and your family!
The Truth is revealed when the mind is completely out of the way...
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby karmarider » Wed Nov 04, 2009 8:25 pm

Buds,

You are free to take whatever compassionate actions you need to take to protect yourself or your family.

These circumstances are an excellent opportunity to learn to release. There are many methods to helps us: The Sedona method, EFT, the release-method on my site.

You can also send out a "metta-zap", that is feelings of loving-kindness, to the people who think want to bring harm to your family. This sounds like a strange thing to do, but it is simply the recognition that everyone does absolutely the best they can, given their conditioning. It does not mean you cannot take appropriate actions to protect yourself.
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby eputkonen » Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:52 pm

Buds wrote:Please help. I feel trapped in anger.


No, you are trapped in identification and the related life stories...anger is just a by-product.

Buds wrote:How in the name of God do you stay present when someone is destroying your life?


First of all...it is not YOUR life - thus any hurting you feel is not your own...it is totally a fiction in your head.
Second of all, be with what is as it is for as long as it is. Cease trying to stop the feelings of anger and revenge. Accept what is as it is for as long as it is. If you feel anger...fine feel anger. If you feel the desire for revenge...fine, feel that. Being present means being with whatever is right now.

If you really wanted to "get back to that spacious place that Eckhart talks about" - you would have it...it is not difficult. But what you really want...more than that spaciousness...is to feel hurt, miserable, angry, etc. So be with that.
Namaste,

~ Eric Putkonen
@EngagedNondual on Twitter
Blog at http://www.EngagedNonduality.com
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Webwanderer » Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:25 am

Buds wrote:
How in the name of God do you stay present when someone is destroying your life?

First off get clear on what life is. You seem to be confusing life with its contents. The stuff of life is going to change - either a little or a lot. Eventually all the stuff will disappear, but life will continue. It cannot be destroyed.

Who can say, with any accuracy, what is best in life in terms of learning the lessons for the growth in awareness - the essence of what we all are? The conditions your brother is suffering, and those that affect you as well, are what's happening. Deal with life's conditions as you may, but denial of the way things are will only fuel an angry ego. And denial of the denial will only keep you from the clarity you need to be free of the suffering.

As Eric says:
Accept what is as it is for as long as it is. If you feel anger...fine feel anger. If you feel the desire for revenge...fine, feel that. Being present means being with whatever is right now.


By being clear that what you feel is not what you are, it gives the energy of what's happening the freedom to flow on through. Resistance to what we feel only serves to bottle it up and cause it to linger in our presence longer than is necessary.

Get a direct sense of what your are (awareness), and recognize clearly what you are not (conditions, content, happenings). This clarity will not save you from the events of life, but it will allow you to be free of attachment to them.

WW
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Buds » Thu Nov 05, 2009 3:12 am

Thank you all so much for your wonderful and insightful responses.

One poster...eputkonen wrote

If you really wanted to "get back to that spacious place that Eckhart talks about" - you would have it...it is not difficult. But what you really want...more than that spaciousness...is to feel hurt, miserable, angry, etc. So be with that.

*** I am going to refer to my brother who is going through this mess as J, and my other brother as R )

You are absolutely right and the scary thing is, I am aware of this! A part of me loves the drama. It feels like an addiction. I desire this peace but then I feel this urge to get on the phone and call R and bitch about it. Then I hang up and desire the peace...am I insane? :roll:

Not long ago I shared my Eckhart CDs with J. He said that they really changed the way he thinks and feels about situations in his life. Well, I have to say...he seems to be making better use of Eckhart's words than I am these days. He almost seems a little too laid back....R and I are wondering why he isnt taking more action. He says...if I get the money, I get it...if I dont, then I will handle it then.
Of course, the crazy mentality we have is...you get down there and start busting some balls!!! You storm the place until you have what you deserve. R wanted to come down here and take a hammer to the place. I know..that doesnt come from a place of peace :shock: Then he gets angry wondering why our bro doesnt do the same...and around and around we go. R said something on the phone the other night in reference to J's wife's family. They had promised to make a deposit into his account on Monday but they didnt. R said " And they win again "....it struck me..what are we doing? We talked for awhile more about how insane it seemed that he and I were investing So much of our energy into this. It is J's problem and seemed we were just making it worse. Win? Who wins? That really hit home for me. But at the same time it is true. I can feel ego in there shouting...they are slime..they dont deserve to win.

I can honestly say I am feeling completely crazy. BUT I can say that I can feel deep down that this is totally a learning experience for us all. I know that as well as I know I am sitting here.
I have prayed for more insight...maybe this is it.

Thank you for reminding me that is is ok to be with whatever feelings I am having, just be aware of them. This was a great reminder.
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Buds » Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:35 am

Student2u

I was in a hurry this morning and had to go to work and forgot to say that I think you are right. I really do believe that this whole mess was to teach my brother something. No point getting into details but I really do think this situation will benefit him in so many ways. The tough part is watching it and allowing it to happen. WOW, that is hard!
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Marcel Franke » Thu Nov 05, 2009 10:21 am

> The tough part is watching it and allowing it to happen.

But you have seen it, right ?
And you couldnt prevent it, no ?
And now it is in the past.
---ooOoo---
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Buds » Thu Nov 05, 2009 1:05 pm

Marcel Franke wrote:> The tough part is watching it and allowing it to happen.

But you have seen it, right ?
And you couldnt prevent it, no ?
And now it is in the past.



Yes, I have seen it but it really isnt in the past. It is still happening.

I cant prevent it but something is telling me to try. I guess that is where the confusion comes in. You allow it to be..accept it for what it is...BUT...you can take action from a place of presence...am I getting it?
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Buds » Thu Nov 05, 2009 1:25 pm

karmarider wrote:Buds,

You are free to take whatever compassionate actions you need to take to protect yourself or your family.

These circumstances are an excellent opportunity to learn to release. There are many methods to helps us: The Sedona method, EFT, the release-method on my site.

You can also send out a "metta-zap", that is feelings of loving-kindness, to the people who think want to bring harm to your family. This sounds like a strange thing to do, but it is simply the recognition that everyone does absolutely the best they can, given their conditioning. It does not mean you cannot take appropriate actions to protect yourself.


Release...like the sounds of that. I have heard of the Sedona method but will have to refresh...what is your site?

Metta-zap..never heard of it but will research on this.

Thanks for the info.

So, from what I understand...this is sort of like fighting for something and not against anything. ( I dont mean fight in the physical sense ). So, I can fight *for* my brother's happiness but not *against* his wife and her family. Does that make sense?
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby student2u » Thu Nov 05, 2009 3:22 pm

Hi again Buds,

Whatever you do or say, as long as its out of your true love and for the wellbeing (peace) of the whole, it may be the "right" action.....

However, whatever you have chosen doing or saying, that action is the "right" action, no matter what.......as what is, IS........meaning allow yourself to do whatever you feel "right" to you for now.....don't over think or over analyze everything.....just be the best you can be with such awareness......

It may be helpful to remind yourself and your family that money is not as important as it seems....loss of money can save one's real life in a way sometimes.....forgiveness and tolerance may do wonders sometimes......

All the best to you and your family!

Namaste
The Truth is revealed when the mind is completely out of the way...
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby eputkonen » Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:23 pm

Buds wrote:You allow it to be..accept it for what it is...BUT...you can take action from a place of presence...am I getting it?


If you see an action that you can take, then you take it.
If you see no action that you can take, then you CONTINUE to accept it as it is for as long as it is.

If at some point a new option occurs, then this repeats.

Yes...you allow it to be as it is for as long as it is (thus accepting it for what it is)...AND you can take an action from a place of presence.

But...you don't accept it and are not allowing it - thus it disturbs your peace and presence.
Namaste,

~ Eric Putkonen
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Blog at http://www.EngagedNonduality.com
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Buds » Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:07 am

student2u wrote:Hi again Buds,

Whatever you do or say, as long as its out of your true love and for the wellbeing (peace) of the whole, it may be the "right" action.....

However, whatever you have chosen doing or saying, that action is the "right" action, no matter what.......as what is, IS........meaning allow yourself to do whatever you feel "right" to you for now.....don't over think or over analyze everything.....just be the best you can be with such awareness......

It may be helpful to remind yourself and your family that money is not as important as it seems....loss of money can save one's real life in a way sometimes.....forgiveness and tolerance may do wonders sometimes......

All the best to you and your family!

Namaste



You said everything I was thinking but couldnt find the words for.
I do over think everything especially when it comes to feelings and actions. In this case, I struggle with staying calm but feelings of guilt for not being more anxious and proactive for my brother.

As a matter of fact, for me it really isnt so much about the money for him but more about him finding strength within himself to stand up and take what is rightfully his. J has a tendency to give in as he has a hard time with conflict and drama. I just feel as if they have used him and are now taking advantage of him. If he could come out of this learning something then that is worth more than the money. I think my feelings are more about feeling sorry for him...???? Maybe that is it. If he were to go in there and just show strength and assertiveness then I would feel better.
I just see in that statement that I am making this all about me arent i?
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Buds » Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:12 am

eputkonen wrote:
Buds wrote:You allow it to be..accept it for what it is...BUT...you can take action from a place of presence...am I getting it?


If you see an action that you can take, then you take it.
If you see no action that you can take, then you CONTINUE to accept it as it is for as long as it is.

If at some point a new option occurs, then this repeats.

Yes...you allow it to be as it is for as long as it is (thus accepting it for what it is)...AND you can take an action from a place of presence.

But...you don't accept it and are not allowing it - thus it disturbs your peace and presence.


I got it.
I guess the real challange is accepting it :)
I guess it is years of human conditioning. Someone is stealing from your family and you accept it...sounds strange but believe it or not, I understand you 100%. It really does make sense.
Bad things happen all the time....but if you just accept it for what it is, then you wont have that inner suffering that usually makes it a million time worse!
But..doesnt mean you cant take action to make it better...accept and act...yes?
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Re: Staying present when people are destroying your life

Postby Marcel Franke » Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:40 am

Hi Buds !

You are trying to find a certain mode to be in.
But you do not need that.
For you already are.
And you are not trapped in anger.
Anger is trapped in you.
Is there any other place anger can go ?
Where are you going to experience anger anywhere else but in you ?
When you see this, you dont care about how you react to whatever.
And within this spaciousness, suddenly everything finds its place.
The mode to be in just comes.
But that just becomes a play-thing, for its the spaciousness that counts.
You see ?
You might find you do not only care for your family,
but also for the ones that pains them.

All is well,
MF.
---ooOoo---
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