Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

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tikey
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Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by tikey » Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:55 pm

Hi everybody I realised that I have strong resistance to the Now and the pattern that operates is this:

Wherever I am I want to come back to my PC and sit in front of it.

It is deeply connected with music-making. I learned to make music using PC.

But Now I came to a conclusion that my spiritual practice "ends" here.

How can I be present if wherever I go I feel the "lack" of my computer.
It's like an addiction.
I once broke this addiction. I had a terrible trauma and I realised that If my life has to be normal I need
to quit sitting in front of computer. The shock of the traum was so strong. But It worked only for about a week,
and when I got "better" I started to sit in front of the computer again. Now I am again a "mental addict" of
a computer. I start the day by switching it on. If I dont play any game I compose music using "Fruity Loops".

I would like to stop those habits and to experience more life in the Now, than the life govened by my bad habits.

Is watching of those habits enough to dissolve them??? The similar question to this would be: Can I quit "smoking" by
observing myself while doing it? LOL I think you cant. If life will not serve me "another shock" I will be stuck wit my
addictions.

Can anyone tell me your thought caouse my thoughts start making circles LOL!
Im just a cloudless sky :)

monmonn
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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by monmonn » Sat Jul 24, 2010 3:10 am

Feeling the inner body while being on the computer helps :)
Plus dude once you relise that you are the watcher of ur mind rather then the mind itself you should be gettting more and more awareness as the days go. But dont put too much effort into it because making it into a goal will make it ego driven and disrupt the whole process.
Once you start being in the NOW you will find your thinking to be more intelligent when you do things and i rekon especially with music it should work really well.

Happy Being :)

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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by rachMiel » Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:47 am

When your divine fire (the urge to awaken) becomes stronger than the pleasure/security your computer addiction provides, the addiction will wither away. Cultivate divine fire! :-)

In the meantime, enjoy making music (and whatever else you do on your computer). Adding guilt to an addiction probably just makes it worse.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by Webwanderer » Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:59 pm

How can I be present if wherever I go I feel the "lack" of my computer.
Be present with those feelings of lack in the same way you would be present with any other experience. Being present is not just about being all happy and free of negativity. It's about being present with whatever arises. Making judgments about addictions is ego stuff. It separates us from the experience and moves us back into the stories of mind which seeks to organize experience into identifiable modes. Just be in the moment for good, bad or whatever, with a sense of honest and wordless curiosity. It's what is. Take in the experience and know it for what it is without making it right or wrong.

WW

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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by gen6 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:15 pm

I wonder what will happen if I ask the question - how to be present when I'm on heroine. Well, you simply can't, may be that's not the answer you would like to hear but that's the truth.
And I think that the answer to your post is also very simple. It's one word even.... - DISCIPLINE- . Just quit the computer or reduce it to the absolute minimum , for checking mail only. I can't understand why people think that spirituality is panacea. You can't use drugs and fix yourself with spirituality.
Read about ,,computer addiction,, in internet, you are not the only one with this problem.
Live as if nothing and everything matters at the same time.

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tikey
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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by tikey » Fri Aug 06, 2010 8:59 pm

well.

I did this:

Recently I bought Starcraft 2 thats the new game from Blizzard entertainment. You can play multiplayer in it.
I had also Command and conquer 4 and fruity loops. I played intensively in those games. And sporadically I composed
some beats using fruity loops (www.fl-studio.com).

And listen: I realised that each time I go away from computer I have a problem with staying present. I feel lack of my computer.
That feeling was dreadfull. I started to ignore my computer. Like it was a pack of cigarettes : I started to resist the urgr to smoke it.
But I never could. In the end I always ended up drawn to some form of computer activity. I realised that I have this sort of problem
not long ago. Actually I realised it in this vacation. During the semester I actually enjoyed playing computer games etc, but now when
it is vacation time it is very disturbing that whenever I go away from my PC I feel the unresistible temtation to come back to my PC.

Thats terrible! I have no peace of mind because of that, because I started to fight that urge. I even cried, because after many years
of depression I want to finally ge free. I want to be free of computer. I want to be free from myself. I follow the "Power Of Now" and
I realise that my addiction stops me from being present. It stops me from truly enjoing life. And whats more frustrating my "addiction"
doesnt give my any pleasure at all. My psychologist doesnt see the problem, thats why I desperately try to talk abou it here.

Thats what I did today:

I deleted ALL games and my Frtuity Loops. But think about that: how the cigarette smoker feels when ha cant smoke anymore? Terrible!
And thats how I felt when I delted all my "treasures" (thats how I think about my games etc)

What should I do? Should I speak to a specialist? My friend to whom I tried to delicately tell about my afflicions told my that I make to
much fuss about it, that I should go on a party and dont worry. I cant even stay present on a party! I feel "unease" . I want to come back
to my PC. Thats the only place where the "unease" diminished.

Thats actually a new thing. I didnt realise that I have "computer problem". People tell me is there any way you think that I should do to make
it stop?

frustrated tom :/
Im just a cloudless sky :)

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great2be
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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by great2be » Sat Aug 07, 2010 8:23 am

This clearly is an addiction.

Most addictions are the result of wanting to avoid certain feelings.
Until you can live with any feeling then addiction/distraction will continue to be your way of life.

There are some very useful recordings available here http://www.mc2method.com/listen/
I doubt you can follow them without finding some great relief, please let us know if you sincerely try them.
An imaginary seeker, seeking an imaginary goal.
Realise the nature of imagination and the fallacious effort ends.

Have you ever seen a dog chasing it's tail?

What happens when the dog runs faster?

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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by AnonyMouse » Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:34 am

Hey tikey

I am very addicted to my computer too.. Internet, games, making music, whatever.
I usually turn the computer on before I'm awake in the morning.
And it's usually on 10-14 hours a day.

I'm fed up with it like you are, on and off.
The feeling of life not being lived, and abuse/negligence of presence.
I actually bought a tiny laptop, in the believe that I would then only use it occasionally for mail etc., and take it out and about in the world.
But no.. I use it excactly as much as the big computer (desktop), and it stays on the same spot on the table. Absolutely no change at all, except a smaller electrical bill :wink:
And believe me, I have deleted the game etc. many times. Only to reinstall them again a few days later.

Thank you for posting your topic. It made me realize some things, and take action..
So I have just ordered a book (oh no, not another book!).. yes..
It's called "The Gift of Our Compulsions", written by Mary O'Malley.
Oh and Eckhart Tolle wrote the foreword :)

See reviews at http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Our-Compulsi ... ewpoints=1

I have a feeling this book is very good, and written by someone who is awake - not trying to "get rid" of the addiction, but SEE and love it (give it space and presence). Dig deeper into it and discover what it really is.

Anyway.. we are both evolving and opening up about this. Getting enough.. And that's good.
But I think total honesty and acceptance is the key.. Not fighting and hating all the things we dislike and want to eliminate.
"I want to be present, damnit!" :lol:
Eggs uses hens to become more eggs

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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by ZenStrat » Sat Aug 07, 2010 12:26 pm

Maybe you are not addicted to the computer, maybe you are addicted to avoiding IRL, In Real Life.

My guess is that is is something in real life that makes you uncomfortable. Do you feel that other people dont understand you? Do you feel that you are "no one" outside your computer? Do you get nervous when speaking to certain other people?

Maybe your ego has built up an image of yourself, how you SHOULD be IRL? And when you get out there, is hard to bee that. You feel you have to play a role, impress people.

If so, the teachings of Eckhart Tolle can help you get rid of that. To be safe and have selfconfidence IRL!

But this is just a guess, maybe its nothing like thath. I wrote this cause thats how it has been for me a little bit. Have also fled to computer games a lot in my life. Warcraft 3, World of Warcraft, Starcraft 2 and even an intense period of mastering "five in a row" :)

I felt safe when sitting at the computer. But totally crap after sitting there for hours. That was the price my little scared me had to pay for feeling safe. But now after using ET-strategies, i feel safe even IRL and it is accually much more fun there!

Best Regards

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gen6
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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by gen6 » Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:30 pm

Dude....just sell the computer and die in pain, is it so hard for you? How much time do you think you'll be in pain without computer? Why don't you make a list and the post it here. Sell the computer and start writing down what happens to you and the intesity of the pain day after day. I want to see how this will fluctuate for 3 weeks of time, the first being the hardest. Make it like day 1, I'm dying, I lost touch with reality, I don't know where am I, I'm shivering alone without my computer, I would kill a person to get to my computer, just you know, be expressive , right everything you feel down in a textbook. It's very useful trust me. You have my word, for couple of months without computer, I mean even 1 second without a computer, you will improve a lot. This is what you wanted right, advice, well I gave you one, just stick to it , die in pain and after 1 month start living your life the way you want it to be. You'll thank me later.
Now chances of you following my advice are very low I know that, most probably you don't have enough will power, you don't want to really quit this, you are not ready to suffer for your happiness (in a later stage), I mean, if you are not ready, why the hell are you complaining? It's simple, stop, suffer, live. You can't suffer? Well, you'll have to :wink:
Another advice - stop searching for help outside of you, search it inside, because if you had enough will power and discipline you wouldn't be writing here now.
What advice do you hope for? The remedy of all remedies? The sacred letters that will change the chemistry for your brain? The sentence that will make you feel better instantly? The spiritual book that will make you computer free less than a second? There is no other way than the very hard way in your situation and you have to know that. Face it, accept it, deal with it.
Sorry for being harsh, I think that's the right way for this situation.
Live as if nothing and everything matters at the same time.

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tikey
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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by tikey » Sun Aug 08, 2010 1:09 pm

Yeah I know I have to suffer. But why I am so hasty? Why I write here? Yes, I write here, because I hoped
for an instant remedy. I had once and instant remedy or at least I thought so. It was when I was traumatized.
And the addiction just instantly got broken. But now it's back with a twice much force as before. Or maybe
it never gor broken???

Now I deleted all my games and I literally think that with all addictions its not 100% psychological problem. I think
its at least 50% a spirituala problem.

I am hoping to get better soon. From yesterday I dont play any games anymore. I feel terrible, yes and I cant find
any activity that could be entertaining or at least help me to spend my free time. Yes it feels dreadfull but for now
I want to go through it. Maybe the divine fire as someone posted here will burn my addiction. I hope so.

Thanks for all (even those harsh) words. Its good to see there are people who I can talk to.

Thanks!
Im just a cloudless sky :)

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gen6
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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by gen6 » Sun Aug 08, 2010 7:06 pm

I think it never got broken, it just got distracted temporarily by something emotional and then got back, addictions don't just go away that easily, you cannot just erase this neural network like that, you need time.
Live as if nothing and everything matters at the same time.

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tikey
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Re: Resisting The Now by sitting in front of the Computer.

Post by tikey » Sun Aug 08, 2010 9:40 pm

Thanks for reply gen6. You know what, some strange things happen now.

I deleted Starcraft 2 and I deleted Command and Conquer 4. I deleted Fruity Loops.
Now there is something strange happening. But to write about it I should change the
name of the topic. I feel very strange feeling of emptiness. LOL (Why I write LOL?)

LOL, because:

I walk with my dog and my mind is still. But not in a nice way. Its literally silent but in
a bad way. I just dont think and I feel terribly bad about it. I lay in bed 1/2 time of day.

I dont know if that happened because I deleted those games. I deleted them because I
wanted to be free. And during the day I think: what to do. And I lay in bed. That the only
place where I can find any relief. Any time I get up to do anything I feel just NOTHING.
I feel like emotions were just completely deleted.

I always felt just a little bit of joy. Joy that I woke up, joy that Im gonna brush my teeth,
joy that I can at last turn on my computer (LOL).

Now I feel no joy. I walk with my dog and I feel strange. I feel like a ghost.

Why I write about it??? I know its an internet. I know its a forum. I know that I dont know you
guys, I never met you and I actually throw my problems out there - for you too read. Maybe
you dont want even to read this. Maybe I shouldnt write that much about myself because its simply egoistic.

Problem is that that I actually once became free of all it. I had a trauma. A shock. I know that you gen6 dont
believe in such a things. So lets stick to your version. It was in January this year. I felt a great relief because
my trauma in some way distracted my addictions. I stopped using fruity loops. And at that time I didnt have any
games yet (because this PC was something new - Ive been runing an old PC fo about 6 years and I had this new one
for abut a month). I felt free. But then a thought came: I wish I try once again to compose music. Im sure Im not gonna
go into it again. Im gonna just try.

And than everything started. I started using PC to compose music (you can check my Youtube channel if you need a proof -
really nothing interesting:just type on youtube "okragleslonce").

Later I started to use it to play games. It started with Command and Conquer 4. It was a great game. But then vacations
came and I realised that I cant be at ease while away of the computer. "Strange", I thought. "Why is that?" I thought.
I realised that I am addicted to a PC. Then I tried to free myseld from it. I deleted all the software that caused my distraction.
I deleted Fruity Loops, I deleted Command and Conquer 4. I flet no relief. Maybe a little. I thought to myself that I am making
something good, that its better that way for myself. But I couldnt resist the temptation. I reinstalled those programs and spen
additional hours in front of them, addicting even more. Ok. Its not a heroine, I know. But thats an addiction.

Now after about 3 months of struggle I deleted once again ALL my games, and ALL my software. Its deleted. All CD's and DVD's
stand on my shelf. I dont use them. The software is only on the shelf. But something strange happened. I feel... emotionless.
Thoughtless... Joyless... I feel like life is not "living me". I feel like an empty doll. I dont know if it has anything to do with
addictions but.... nevermind.

I think that I am very strange lately and maybe thats why I post so many strange posts lately. Forgive me people. Maybe I just know
not what I do. But I also search some help. My psychologist is now on a vacations, so is psychiatrist so thats why writing here
is the same kind of relief.

I read today the power of now. It always comofrt me a little bit.

Poeple thank you once again for any answears you wrote. I know I write too much about me and my story. I cant help it.
If I could be different I would be. But I cant. I feel very empty inside and I dont know where to get any help. I dont count on
you guys too much, cause thats only an internet.

Let those words end this post.

Booyakasha.
TK
Im just a cloudless sky :)

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