Wow! what a lot has gone on since I last logged into this thread on apathy!
Thank you. I feel a lot of love in these posts.
I would, however, caution to be careful of 'intellectualism" and over analyzing...(I work at a university and no first hand the trap that is)
Having said that, I can now say that the posts are very welcome. I am incredibly uncomfortable in my skin these days. I can't seem to stop suffering--because I want to damit--I don't want to die to myself. I want the pain and so I have it. But when I have the pain, I'm miserable and plead to God to be free of it!
Mamma mia! it's like the waves of labor, this incessant back and forth: I wanna die, I don't wanna die...I wanna, don't wanna....
There is no doubt that I turned to spiritualism in order to "save my 'self'". The irony is, that in order to do this one must kill the "self"! hahaha!!
seriously--is that not the most brilliant thing ever?
One thing, that has never been more obvious to me, is how much my thinking revolves around disliking myself. If I'm in that place where I watch my thoughts stream by, I see that every other thought is about how: stupid I am, incompetent, unworthy, disgusting, just plain pile of smoking, reeking excrement that should be avoided at all costs etc. etc.
And I am shocked.
There is just pure loathing and hate at the core of my thinking. I was so unaware of this.
But then, marching to the rescue and right on cue, comes the VICTIM. OMG--what a drag the victim is! Here's a sample: poor me, my mother was horrible to me, my sisters are evil witches, the world hates me, I do everything and nobody cares or helps me, nobody acknowledges all my effort, and I'm so selfless, loving and giving but get nothing in return....bla bla bla, it is really quite nauseating.
Let's not even mention my states of panic/manic thinking when I absolutely have to do XYZ right now or else!
What a full house my brain is--just overstuffed with junk!
Yes, I am clearing it out. Slowly. And, of course, I'm agonizing over each minuscule item I shed. This will be a long process to be sure.