Help with Horrible Job

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spikyface
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by spikyface » Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:25 pm

I've come to realize that the death that looked so appealing was not the death of my body. It was the death of the "me" I had created and was taking so much effort to sustain.
Exactly

Glad to see other people are getting something out of these posts
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Sun Dec 19, 2010 11:22 pm

Quinn,
The way you describe this makes so much sense to me. Yes, that is why I said what I said to Spikey because I have felt those feelings as well, even recently. But I never thought of it that way and that is exactly what it is!
Rachel

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Fri Dec 24, 2010 5:46 am

Update:

Today is my last day on this job. I have not told the administrator yet I am not coming back though. Each day was getting worse and worse and it was coming to the point, because of how the place is run, that I would lose my nursing license if I continued there and be open to a law suit. I like to keep my nursing license up even though I have not used it much over the years. I will tell him this weekend.

Anyway, I have a combination of feelings: Great relief, fear due to finances, hope and other feelings. I know that I created all this anyway so now I can create something else and trust that the universe will support me while I move back into my Self (with a big "S") that I have not been able to stay in touch with much due to this crazy environment. I tried. I have been going in the "wrong" (for lack of a better word) direction for a while now in various areas of my life and that includes work.

So a visualization of a cartoon character came to me the other day who is being chased and suddenly planting his heels in the dirt and skidding for what seems to be for a long time and distance with the dirt flying behind his shoes and the sounds of brakes screeching while he tries to stop and finally comes to a dead stop. That's me. I think I have finally come to a stop and need to turn my life in a different direction and create or "manifest" what is in alignment with my authentic Self (Big "S"). It is not this house that I will likely need to include in the bankruptsy (although having a safe place to live is important to me and a big part of this fear of finances); it is not working a job that is very dissatisfying just for more money - it is not "this or that."

I have made my life unnecessarily complicated.

What my heart wants is much more simple: To live in nature, walk by rivers and lakes and listen to the sounds of nature and be in the woods, have a job or more likely my own business where I am making a difference in people's lives,loving friends and maybe a relationship and to have the time to do other things I love to do - which are many. I so want things to be simple now.

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Cheshirecat
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Cheshirecat » Fri Dec 24, 2010 3:12 pm

Just my thoughts..

Everytime something bothers/irritates me, I am usually in the now at that bothersome moment. :wink:

So maybe you have been in the now more than you realized as you made your decision to take your "now" adventure another direction.

Happy adventuring to you.

cheshire
If you see me before I get back....ask me to wait. Cheshire Cat

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Tue Dec 28, 2010 5:58 am

Perhaps that is true, Chesire.
Strange, I sent in my resignation effective immediately and now the whole thing - the 6 weeks I was there already feels like it was a dream. Wierd.
I am not proud about how I behaved there. I was negative, irritated a lot, not conscious, angry, etc. I can sort of look at it now like we (the people at this facility and myself) were all actors in a play for the benefit of each other to learn this life's lessons. I know they did their best and I feel sad about this. I wonder if that was another chance to behave differently and I failed. I was very frightened there as I was in charge and was not getting the proper training. I am a poor supervisor - when it is not my own business, anyway. I disliked the work intensly. I think they tried to make it work for me but I KNEW from the start almost that I could not be there so I found the negatives, for the most part, so I could leave. I believe I left a bad impression when I left. I felt it was impossible for me to function there and stay awake. I could not have stayed as it was just too insane but I hope I did not cause anyone harm. I was NOT a beacon of consciousness - that's for sure!! It felt like I was a ball in a pinball machine. All I could think of was escaping. I felt extremely stifled, trapped and all I could think of was escape. Now it is already far away.
I used to be able to deal with these scenarios better than this and now, it feels like my tolerance for stress is almost zero. My mind and body can't seem to function in a chaotric, stressful, frenetic, disorganized, (smelly too!), place where people are sick and dying. I think I have had so much stress in my life I just cannot do it anymore!

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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Quinn » Tue Dec 28, 2010 4:48 pm

rachel100639 wrote: I think I have had so much stress in my life I just cannot do it anymore!
I think this is a great place to be, Rachel. I was there, too, but at the time didn't recognize a couple of things. One was that it was a great place to be! :) And the second was - and this one is a little harder to get to - is that no external force causes stress. None.

Stress is the sensation we feel when what is happening externally conflicts with how we think things should be happening. It is completely and thoroughly based on what we think. Based on concepts we have about how life should be.

Under all those concepts, you may find preferences - like you don't want to work in a nursing home. But the stress is an overlay related to the concepts, not the preferences. Just based on how much havoc stress plays on the body and mind, getting rid of the concepts seems the right (as in wholesome, healthy) way to go.

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Tue Dec 28, 2010 5:33 pm

Quinn,
I have a hard time with this one- that no external force causes stress. We are all physiological and psychological beings and I cannot fathom that war, for example, does not cause stress. Or violence in any form or other major events like the death of a child- you get my point. post traumatic stress disorder is very real. The body and mind shuts down eventually to protect itself.
In this case for me it was the inability of my mind and body to cope with the chaos, smells, dying patients, liability.

goldieflower
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by goldieflower » Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:44 pm

With the understanding that I'm talking from my ego, I think you did the right thing in leaving.

ET says something about accepting, staying, or getting out - (don't have a quote here but I think it was something like that) - there are some situations where you Must leave!

If you are in quicksand, going down, meditating about it won't get you on firm ground. You might accept your death easier, but you still gonna die! :lol:

Perhaps your mind told you "Take this job or lose my house!" but once in that experience you realized this was not for you. Your mind got you into it but your Self got you out of it. A vision of your swirl of thoughts we call ego, cringing and twisting and saying, "No, no! This is not the time!" comes to my mind.
rachel100639 wrote:I am not proud about how I behaved there.
Don't look back and beat yourself up over the experience. That's a bunch of thoughts, not You. Intellectual understanding alone helps me put some distance there when I'm dismayed over goldie's actions.

:)

But our minds love to speculate, so maybe you have to get out of that big house so you can find a little house. This little house might be in a peaceful setting. There will be less work required, as it's smaller and easier to keep. You won't have a big rent, so you can find a little job - a long-time joke around the board is be a greeter at Walmart. The skills you possess might not be there to acquire money, but to help others and this is what might unfold.

Or not - we don't know.

Maybe it's time to use the ego for the skills it has. Become present (you are anyway but I think you know what I mean) and sit down with paper and pen and list all your options, pros and cons. Now that you won't require a big salary, there may be more than before. Check the papers, check places like craigslist looking for rentals and jobs. Maybe a temp agency (of any kind) while you consider options. Can you change locales? Think - use the mind instead of it using you.

If there is anything you can do Now, do it. Then do what you feel like doing, for that will be the right thing. Something is happening, can't you feel it? Watch for it; embrace it!!!

Lots of love to you
:) goldie :)

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Natalie
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Natalie » Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:08 pm

And the second was - and this one is a little harder to get to - is that no external force causes stress. None.

Stress is the sensation we feel when what is happening externally conflicts with how we think things should be happening. It is completely and thoroughly based on what we think. Based on concepts we have about how life should be.
I agree wholeheartedly Quinn. That is what I have learned based on my experiences with stress.

I can’t begin to imagine a parent’s grief at losing a child. I can only hope that if something like that ever happens, I won’t slip back into unconsciousness. Dealing with what seems to be the most devastating human experience, from an unconscious state, I feel is, in and of itself, the most devastating human experience. One with unlimited potential for awakening.

Suffering lies in the distance between reality and expectations. I have heard various non-dualist teachers explain it this way. I know this to be true in my life.

Quinn
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Quinn » Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:31 pm

rachel100639 wrote:I have a hard time with this one- that no external force causes stress.
Yes, it is hard to see. Let's see if I can make any sense here :)

Your example of war: Some people love war - are actually professional soldiers, while others are traumatized by it. Some people suffer from PSTD and others in the same situation don't. So how could the external situation cause the stress? I'm not discounting the pain that most would feel in these situations. Pain is just pain. The stress, on the other hand, can be traced to the idea that "this shouldn't have happened". Sometimes there can even be an acceptance of what happened, but a resistance to the pain itself - "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I should be over this by now".

The fact is...if something happens - war, violence, loss of a loved one, sadness, regret, etc. - there's absolutely nothing we can do to make it not have happened. Whatever is in the past, is done. It happened. So when we have a thought that tells us something that happened shouldn't have, that's where the stress comes in.

I'm not in any way saying that you should have stayed in your job, or that you should have done anything any differently. I'm just referring to where you said you can't take stress anymore (good! it's not necessary). I've just found that stress is directly tied to the resistance of 'what is'. Doesn't mean you have to stay with something you hate.

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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by spikyface » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:02 am

I wonder if that was another chance to behave differently and I failed
No, it played out the only way it could have

You can only choose to behave in a different way if you can remain conscious, if a situation causes you to lapse into unconscious behaviour patterns, you no longer have any control and will react based on your past conditioning
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 7:15 am

Wow, thank you everyone for your wonderful feedback to my last post! You are all so helpful and insightful.
You won't have a big rent, so you can find a little job - a long-time joke around the board is be a greeter at Walmart. The skills you possess might not be there to acquire money, but to help others and this is what might unfold.
Several years ago when I first started writing for a living, I used to go to Walmart to shop. There was this elderly Walmart greeter there who was amazing. He was so personable that customers were always hanging around him chatting and enjoying his company. It was clear he loved the people and wanted to bring them joy. :D
I was intrigued by this man so I wrote an article about him for the paper. Come to find, he was a retired psychology professor with a PhD in psychology. Very fascinating man.
I always thought it would be fun to work at Walmart – for a brief stint. :lol:
Your example of war: Some people love war - are actually professional soldiers, while others are traumatized by it. Some people suffer from PSTD and others in the same situation don't. So how could the external situation cause the stress? I'm not discounting the pain that most would feel in these situations. Pain is just pain. The stress, on the other hand, can be traced to the idea that "this shouldn't have happened". Sometimes there can even be an acceptance of what happened, but a resistance to the pain itself - "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I should be over this by now".
I understand what you are saying here and I think in many cases this is true. In some though, I do not believe it is. Sometimes purely external circumstances with no thoughts attached cause stress – particularly in children (who also do not even have the knowledge to think the thoughts in the first place to cause the stress) and individuals who do not have the wherewithal to deal with stress. When It is PHYSIOLOGICAL, not psychological and the physiological changes in the body then effect the mind (which can, by the way, cause mental illness) and have no thoughts attached – such as a parent who abuses his/her child; sudden trauma causing shock where there is not even time to think; illness, and many other incidents. It can simply be too much for the body and mind to handle. Often when stressors are concurrent without a break in between some people cannot cope.

Why some people can handle the same external stressor and others not? It is complicated and could be a combination of genetics, past occurances, physiology, etc…They say some children are made of wood or plastic and can bend; others are made of steel and withstand all kinds of stuff and others are made of glass and will shatter at the slightest happening. I think that is true with adults too. Suicide is an example.

Generally, as human beings, there are universal stressors that the majority of people would be effected by as the mind and body are inextricably connected and I think the body systems independent of the mind have their own intelligence and experience stress independent of thoughts. For instance, the gut has more feeling or intuitive hormones in it than any other organ!

I went on a tangent there.
No, it played out the only way it could have

You can only choose to behave in a different way if you can remain conscious, if a situation causes you to lapse into unconscious behaviour patterns, you no longer have any control and will react based on your past conditioning
Yes you are right Spikey. I kept catching myself after the fact though. Even sometimes during an incident I knew I was behaving badly and at times I could catch it and stop myself and at other times I saw it afterwards – like I could not stop myself during my behavior—although a part of myself DID recognize I was being dysfunctional. It is disconcerting that I can behave so unconsciously. But I see it – at some point.

I think I said this before, it feels like I can’t do things I really dislike anymore (I have done that many times in my jobs over the years). On one hand this is good but on the other it seems to pose a problem. I am still being given work – actually, let me rephrase that – I look for work because these are the kinds of jobs I have done – and then I can’t do the work because I hate it. Financially this is a dilemma. It is weird and different. I am not sure what is happening. There is some sort of block now and it has been going on for months. Is this self-preservation? Feels like it could be as I had this illness this last year that was devastating and a huge wake-up call in many ways. It is strange.

Vernon Howard says, "One of man's greatest illusions is that hard work in itself is a virtue. Only right work is virtuous. And right work is easy and effortless. As we get out of our own way, this easy going progress becomes a cheery reality."

I used to be so motivated and gung-ho about things and now I just want to live a peaceful, pleasant, quiet life in nature. Sometimes I panic due to money but I just can’t bring myself to do something I hate – even when my savings are dwindling to nothing. I was NEVER like this, say, even just 2 years ago. Could be because I have had so many major losses this past year. Not sure but it is disconcerting and I do not know what to do about it. Am I sane? :shock:

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by smiileyjen101 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 1:29 pm

Wow.. thank you all for an amazing ride on this thread. I've read it all in one hit so it has been a ride.
I used to be so motivated and gung-ho about things and now I just want to live a peaceful, pleasant, quiet life in nature. Sometimes I panic due to money but I just can’t bring myself to do something I hate – even when my savings are dwindling to nothing. I was NEVER like this, say, even just 2 years ago. Could be because I have had so many major losses this past year. Not sure but it is disconcerting and I do not know what to do about it. Am I sane?
Breathe Rachel, breathe ((hug)) A person who is not 'sane' never thinks to ask themself or anyone else that :wink: But, Einstein was right - insanity is doing the same thing the same way and expecting a different outcome.

If I may, some random thoughts I had along the way -
Rachel, what I 'felt' in your posts was escalating fear underpinning your choices, at times even when you knew that was what you were doing and that it had become a roller coaster of react in fear, create a drama, react in more fear, .. forgive me, I don't mean to sound harsh here. Part way through (apart from wanting to tell you to BREATHE) I wanted to ask did/does it ever occur to you to ask yourself instead - what would love do now?

I also wondered when you were talking about illness and homelessness, did it occur to you the patients/carers you were given the opportunity to choose fear or love around... forgive me again, may I say as gently as I can, there but for the grace of... I know you hated it, but would it ever be possible that one or more of them might once have been in your shoes? Or that you or anyone you love might end up in a place like that?

What might choosing love (for yourself and for others) have done differently?

In difficult circumstances and in consciousness that love is always the better foundation for choice, I find in times that I have reacted in fear, responded in fear, chosen in fear, the greatest breadth of learning comes from revisiting it from the point of view of recognising for the most part as no choice being wrong, just bringing a different experience - but if it was not the experience that I would like to repeat - how might I choose differently under similar circumstances?

This for me is the greatest use of any experience and a better way than repeating it without any growth of understanding. I have found that the opportunities that present themself do have common threads, we can only hope that we recognise the opportunities as such the next time they present themself - be that a stressor, fear, situation or frame of mind.

Wanting a more peaceful life... don't we all. But, that must come from within. The best way I've found, is by being conscious of your choices, conscious when you are feeding your choices with fear and asking, quite simply - what would love do now?

The thing about accepting, changing or removing yourself from a situation is a good sign post - but again these three things can be done through fear, or through love.

The outcome of any thing done through fear is very different to the outcome of any thing done through love.

I too have left jobs, for all manner of reasons and often ethical ones where I could neither change nor accept the circumstances that were the reality of the situation. But, in my wiser years and having faced similar situations and balanced the what would love have done, it was even though stressful and difficult on some levels, when underpinned with love, an amazing experience that I am grateful to have had the opportunity to experience and others were also given the opportunity to choose between fear and love and grow in their own lights.

We will all have many more opportunities to choose between fear and love - even if we find that perfect job in the perfect little house in the perfect country setting - I did once, find all that - you could have dug a ditch 6 feet deep and I would have laid down in it so at peace I was - until the universe and life gave me yet another major opportunity.

We're not here to rest in peace, that comes later :roll:
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

tod
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by tod » Fri Dec 31, 2010 4:37 am

rachel100639 wrote:
I think I said this before, it feels like I can’t do things I really dislike anymore (I have done that many times in my jobs over the years). On one hand this is good but on the other it seems to pose a problem. I am still being given work – actually, let me rephrase that – I look for work because these are the kinds of jobs I have done – and then I can’t do the work because I hate it. Financially this is a dilemma. It is weird and different. I am not sure what is happening. There is some sort of block now and it has been going on for months. Is this self-preservation? Feels like it could be as I had this illness this last year that was devastating and a huge wake-up call in many ways. It is strange.

Vernon Howard says, "One of man's greatest illusions is that hard work in itself is a virtue. Only right work is virtuous. And right work is easy and effortless. As we get out of our own way, this easy going progress becomes a cheery reality."

I used to be so motivated and gung-ho about things and now I just want to live a peaceful, pleasant, quiet life in nature. Sometimes I panic due to money but I just can’t bring myself to do something I hate – even when my savings are dwindling to nothing. I was NEVER like this, say, even just 2 years ago. Could be because I have had so many major losses this past year. Not sure but it is disconcerting and I do not know what to do about it. Am I sane? :shock:
Rachel, I was reading through part of "A Course in Consciousness" from the University of Virginia, and came upon this in section 16.2. Self-hatred and self-love:
However, love of another without fear, guilt, or possessiveness is impossible without loving oneself. In fact, because love is our true nature, love is something we discover, not something we do. But, how do we discover what self-love is? Tara Brach, a psychotherapist and teacher of mindfulness meditation, says in her 2003 book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha, that self-love begins with the awareness of the body sensations in which the emotions are rooted. All conditioning, including self-hate, is stored in the body as well as in the mind (see Section 7.10 for a possible mechanism) and is not fully accessible to us without our becoming aware of our body sensations. Vipassana meditation (see Sections 14.6, 24.2) is a practice of becoming aware of these sensations and their associated emotions. Self-love is the acceptance of all of them with kindness (see Chapter 22). These include the “negative” emotions, such as anger, hatred, guilt, fear, and desire, as well as the “positive” emotions, such as generosity, kindness, forgiveness, happiness, and joy.

The ego's way is to make war, not love. If we wish to be at peace, we need to see that Love, not the ego, is what we are. Love is a sense of openness and connectedness that can be cultivated through many different kinds of practices (see the remaining sections of this chapter, plus Chapters 22, 23, and Section 24.2). Love is not created in these practices--rather, we become aware that it is already present.
http://faculty.virginia.edu/consciousne ... _self-love

spikyface
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by spikyface » Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:08 pm

Dissatisfaction with oneself is endemic in Western society because of the emphasis on the individual, free-will, and sin . Western culture promotes regret, guilt, and self-condemnation and calls it "taking responsibility". It gives rise to the feverish need to achieve, as well as to perfectionism, harshness, judgment, rejection, and exclusion. It is a result of the conceptual split between the "I" and the body-mind so that the "I" thinks it is separate from the body-mind and feels encumbered by it. Consequently, the "I" hates the body-mind for not doing its bidding, and for having sensations and emotions that the "I" views as painful or sinful. Because of this split, true self-love is rare for most Westerners.
Sounds right

I used to have a saying; "the flesh is weak", this was one way I'd justify pushing my body to breaking point over and over (e.g. I've sprained one ankle so many times that there's a gap where several ligaments have snapped off completely)

I only found self-love after picking away at the impermanent layers of the self for about 2 years
With it came an endless source of compassion
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within

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