Thank you smiiley for the hug. Yes, I know I am not insane. I said that sort of tongue-in-cheek. I do, however, see how unconscious I can be and that makes me feel both grateful, because I SEE it, and sort of STUNNED and CAUTIOUS because I can actually BE so unconscious still in certain circumstances.Breathe Rachel, breathe ((hug)) A person who is not 'sane' never thinks to ask themself or anyone else that But, Einstein was right - insanity is doing the same thing the same way and expecting a different outcome.
Very trueRachel, what I 'felt' in your posts was escalating fear underpinning your choices, at times even when you knew that was what you were doing and that it had become a roller coaster of react in fear, create a drama, react in more fear, .. forgive me, I don't mean to sound harsh here. Part way through (apart from wanting to tell you to BREATHE) I wanted to ask did/does it ever occur to you to ask yourself instead - what would love do now?
There were times I was conscious enough to choose love – such as when I had the chance to go talk with a patient, hold the patient’s hand, hug them, etc. It was a management position so I was not able to spend much time with the patients. There was also a communication problem. Almost all the staff were from other countries and I truly could not understand what they were saying. Their accents were too strong.I know you hated it, but would it ever be possible that one or more of them might once have been in your shoes? Or that you or anyone you love might end up in a place like that?
But pardon if I made it sound like it was ALL so horrible. I made a conscious effort to be caring and kind. That is what I am normally like! I did not feel I could express it in that place.
Yes, I or someone I know could be in a place like that. It was not just the place though. I know a lot of it was ME reacting to things. I mean, yes, the place was chaotic, crazy, and all the other things I mentioned. But not everyone there felt like I did. (Or perhaps they just did not see it). So yes, if I would have been able to stay conscious, I could have acted and responded out of love which I know is my true nature. So, yes, everything would have been different if I would have been able to stay conscious enough to choose love. The whole experience brought up all sorts of old stuff for me.
When I could step back, I was able to see this, especially when I had a few days to contemplate away from the place. Now, I see it much clearer – Not that I will work in a place like that again.
There is another component here—because I developed a very serious illness this past year that I have to diligently take care of myself physically now, part of the fear was being around sick people and getting sick again. So the environment almost in every way was unhealthy for me. I never used to have to think about this. I was almost afraid to take a deep breath (it also smelled horrendous too) and had to go outside to breath fresh air.
Again, if I would have been able to remain conscious, I would have been able to do that.The outcome of any thing done through fear is very different to the outcome of any thing done through love.
About 4 years ago I DID have that perfect little house, and job in a beautiful town in the country in Colorado. For some reason I am not all the way clear about (other than I was clinically depressed and making bad decisions – running from myself, really), I left it all and went on some sort of search for who knows what – moving across 3 states and creating all kinds of difficult circumstances for myself. I KNOW THOUGH, THAT I CREATED MOST IF NOT ALL OF IT.We will all have many more opportunities to choose between fear and love - even if we find that perfect job in the perfect little house in the perfect country setting - I did once, find all that - you could have dug a ditch 6 feet deep and I would have laid down in it so at peace I was - until the universe and life gave me yet another major opportunity.
We may not be here to rest in peace, but I do believe we can be at peace most of the time and even all of the time if we stay conscious.We're not here to rest in peace, that comes later
Thanks Tod. Yes, I do know emotions can be trapped in the body unless they are released. There are also lots of body work types of therapies (I have done some) that assist in this. And it is definitely true that accepting these emotions – all of them – is so important. Most of us are taught to be so disconnected from our bodies!!that self-love begins with the awareness of the body sensations in which the emotions are rooted. All conditioning, including self-hate, is stored in the body as well as in the mind (see Section 7.10 for a possible mechanism) and is not fully accessible to us without our becoming aware of our body sensations. Vipassana meditation (see Sections 14.6, 24.2) is a practice of becoming aware of these sensations and their associated emotions. Self-love is the acceptance of all of them with kindness (see Chapter 22). These include the “negative” emotions, such as anger, hatred, guilt, fear, and desire, as well as the “positive” emotions, such as generosity, kindness, forgiveness, happiness, and joy.
One thing I have noticed lately for sure: Once I start really looking at how unconscious I have been all my life, I start to see how REALLY unconscious I have been. It runs deep. While I know I am not mentally ill (that is a very nebulous term! – and, my background is in psychology too! I am not a big fan of labeling people).
Vernon Howard said, “We must not assume we are spiritually awake.”
Anyway, well, now that I really contemplate it, maybe I am more unconscious than I thought I was. It is easy to remain conscious (more so anyway) when all is well. When things start to unravel – watch out! That is when I struggle with staying centered in the big “S” (Self). My little self comes out flailing. But why do I forget the things I know to do in order to stay conscious? That is frustrating. I don’t always forget, but often enough.
It is true Spikey (and for some reason that part of your post got cut off), all the answers lie within. I do know this. Although I can forget and need to be reminded. There is nowhere else they could be.