Help with Horrible Job

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rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:32 am

Breathe Rachel, breathe ((hug)) A person who is not 'sane' never thinks to ask themself or anyone else that But, Einstein was right - insanity is doing the same thing the same way and expecting a different outcome.
Thank you smiiley for the hug. Yes, I know I am not insane. I said that sort of tongue-in-cheek. :P I do, however, see how unconscious I can be and that makes me feel both grateful, because I SEE it, and sort of STUNNED :shock: and CAUTIOUS because I can actually BE so unconscious still in certain circumstances.
Rachel, what I 'felt' in your posts was escalating fear underpinning your choices, at times even when you knew that was what you were doing and that it had become a roller coaster of react in fear, create a drama, react in more fear, .. forgive me, I don't mean to sound harsh here. Part way through (apart from wanting to tell you to BREATHE) I wanted to ask did/does it ever occur to you to ask yourself instead - what would love do now?
Very true :!:
I know you hated it, but would it ever be possible that one or more of them might once have been in your shoes? Or that you or anyone you love might end up in a place like that?
There were times I was conscious enough to choose love – such as when I had the chance to go talk with a patient, hold the patient’s hand, hug them, etc. It was a management position so I was not able to spend much time with the patients. There was also a communication problem. Almost all the staff were from other countries and I truly could not understand what they were saying. :?: Their accents were too strong.

But pardon if I made it sound like it was ALL so horrible. I made a conscious effort to be caring and kind. That is what I am normally like! I did not feel I could express it in that place.

Yes, I or someone I know could be in a place like that. It was not just the place though. I know a lot of it was ME reacting to things. I mean, yes, the place was chaotic, crazy, and all the other things I mentioned. But not everyone there felt like I did. (Or perhaps they just did not see it). So yes, if I would have been able to stay conscious, I could have acted and responded out of love which I know is my true nature. So, yes, everything would have been different if I would have been able to stay conscious enough to choose love. The whole experience brought up all sorts of old stuff for me.

When I could step back, I was able to see this, especially when I had a few days to contemplate away from the place. Now, I see it much clearer – Not that I will work in a place like that again.

There is another component here—because I developed a very serious illness this past year that I have to diligently take care of myself physically now, part of the fear was being around sick people and getting sick again. :( So the environment almost in every way was unhealthy for me. I never used to have to think about this. I was almost afraid to take a deep breath (it also smelled horrendous too) and had to go outside to breath fresh air.
The outcome of any thing done through fear is very different to the outcome of any thing done through love.
Again, if I would have been able to remain conscious, I would have been able to do that.
We will all have many more opportunities to choose between fear and love - even if we find that perfect job in the perfect little house in the perfect country setting - I did once, find all that - you could have dug a ditch 6 feet deep and I would have laid down in it so at peace I was - until the universe and life gave me yet another major opportunity.
About 4 years ago I DID have that perfect little house, and job in a beautiful town in the country in Colorado. For some reason I am not all the way clear about (other than I was clinically depressed and making bad decisions – running from myself, really), I left it all and went on some sort of search for who knows what – moving across 3 states and creating all kinds of difficult circumstances for myself. I KNOW THOUGH, THAT I CREATED MOST IF NOT ALL OF IT.
We're not here to rest in peace, that comes later
We may not be here to rest in peace, but I do believe we can be at peace most of the time and even all of the time if we stay conscious.
that self-love begins with the awareness of the body sensations in which the emotions are rooted. All conditioning, including self-hate, is stored in the body as well as in the mind (see Section 7.10 for a possible mechanism) and is not fully accessible to us without our becoming aware of our body sensations. Vipassana meditation (see Sections 14.6, 24.2) is a practice of becoming aware of these sensations and their associated emotions. Self-love is the acceptance of all of them with kindness (see Chapter 22). These include the “negative” emotions, such as anger, hatred, guilt, fear, and desire, as well as the “positive” emotions, such as generosity, kindness, forgiveness, happiness, and joy.
Thanks Tod. Yes, I do know emotions can be trapped in the body unless they are released. There are also lots of body work types of therapies (I have done some) that assist in this. And it is definitely true that accepting these emotions – all of them – is so important. Most of us are taught to be so disconnected from our bodies!!
One thing I have noticed lately for sure: Once I start really looking at how unconscious I have been all my life, I start to see how REALLY unconscious I have been. It runs deep. While I know I am not mentally ill (that is a very nebulous term! – and, my background is in psychology too! I am not a big fan of labeling people).

Vernon Howard said, “We must not assume we are spiritually awake.”

Anyway, well, now that I really contemplate it, maybe I am more unconscious than I thought I was. It is easy to remain conscious (more so anyway) when all is well. When things start to unravel – watch out! That is when I struggle with staying centered in the big “S” (Self). My little self comes out flailing. But why do I forget the things I know to do in order to stay conscious? That is frustrating. I don’t always forget, but often enough.

It is true Spikey (and for some reason that part of your post got cut off), all the answers lie within. I do know this. Although I can forget and need to be reminded. There is nowhere else they could be. :)

Dan_Clizer
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Dan_Clizer » Sat Jan 01, 2011 8:09 am

Hi Rachel,

I feel with the wonderful assistance you're getting from this board, you are doing a great job of sorting it out. My feeling is that everything should be kept as simple as possible. Experiment, find the "tools" that work for you in establishing and maintaining your higher consciousness from day to day. Use what you have at your disposal to help you maintain a higher vibe.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is quit a job and move on. I've done the same thing many times. In each moment we just do the best we can and it IS enough. The keys for me have always been: Trust in Self, trust in Creator. That's the biggie :-) And, no judgement of Self. Watch your choices with pure neutrality, and feel the energy of Love within your heart as it flows through you at your ready use! As Jen says: What would Love do now?

Love,
Dan

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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Dan_Clizer » Sat Jan 01, 2011 8:56 am

There seems to be more that I need to say in regards to this Rachel. It may be helpful to many others as well, so here goes. It feels to me like much of this issue revolves around trust. In my own case I 'created' a very severe back injury in October 2002. I knew as the injury happened and as a week went by that it was entirely to do with me not trusting Creator/Source to provide for my needs.
I had become a workaholic and was literally killing myself. I was flat on my back for about three weeks and in those moments of not being able to move much, I knew I simply had to trust from that point on. I was no longer going to be able to work in the fashion I used to, I would not be able to provide in the way I had for my wife and two kids.

I knew also that I could not avoid anymore the issue of trust as I had so skillfully done in the past :-) It was there in my face. I made a deal with my higher-self and my guides. I would trust from now on and in turn, no more "accidents or injuries". I resolved that I would never again need to create this kind of situation just to remember something I already knew was true!

Long story short, several times over the past few years myself and my family have been down to our last 20 dollars or less (no savings). Each time a "little" miracle would occur and we would come out of that bind. Each time this dire situation was created (by me) it built trust. Trust in myself, and trust in Creator, trust in the process of spiritual remembrance. It was never an accident that we were taken care of at just the moment when it seemed hopeless. There IS perfection in the process we create from day to day, week to week, month to month. We begin to see that fear is not real, its ALL illusion. We build into the experience we are having from day to day the exact things we need for our spiritual growth.

Love,
Dan

spikyface
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by spikyface » Sat Jan 01, 2011 8:58 pm

Thank you for sharing that inspiring story Dan
There is another component here—because I developed a very serious illness this past year that I have to diligently take care of myself physically now, part of the fear was being around sick people and getting sick again.
I think this is something that you should examine, this fear, it has a way of subtly influencing your actions otherwise
About 4 years ago I DID have that perfect little house, and job in a beautiful town in the country in Colorado. For some reason I am not all the way clear about (other than I was clinically depressed and making bad decisions – running from myself, really), I left it all and went on some sort of search for who knows what – moving across 3 states and creating all kinds of difficult circumstances for myself.
If everything was perfect, why were you depressed? Or was there something missing? What drove you to uproot yourself and move across 3 states?
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within

Dan_Clizer
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Dan_Clizer » Sat Jan 01, 2011 9:28 pm

[quote="spikyface"]Thank you for sharing that inspiring story Dan



My pleasure spiky!

Love,
Dan

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Sat Jan 01, 2011 9:54 pm

If everything was perfect, why were you depressed? Or was there something missing? What drove you to uproot yourself and move across 3 states?
Well, it was clinical depression so there really was no reason. It was physiological and moved into me like a black cloud and seemed to take over. I was, or so if seemed, completely unable to appreciate what I had. I did have losses back then too but I do not think that is what it was. It just felt like I wanted to run from myself and the depression and horrible loneliness of this darkness I had. If you have never experienced clinical depression it would be hard to understand. Yes, a lot of it was my thoughts but it felt as if I had no control over the thoughts. That seems to be the nature of clinical depression. Although looking back, and if I knew what I know now, I likely could have gotten out of it quickly or not even allowed it to take over. I still feel regret and pain at times over leaving what I had.

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 1:07 am

I still feel regret and pain at times over leaving what I had
No choice is wrong rachel, but, what would love feel?

This might sound a little off topic for a moment, forgive me, like life, sometimes what we think are detours are helpful in order to arrive somewhere else a little better for the journey.

Whatever we choose to feed will grow. Words are the combination of sounds to give voice to an expression. - an exhalation of our breath. A sigh says as much as a sentence.

I'd like to play consciously on the vibration of regret - regret - re-grete -
greter - to weep,
regreter - to weep again for something that is passed.

As with all things an expression is an opportunity to 'notice' if it comes from awareness or ego - (I love that Dan has linked love/fear to awareness/ego and may use it more often now).

What is the fear/ego created pain that is being chosen to be associated with something that was in its time 'perfect' and joy, in order for it now to be something that causes pain and causes you to weep again for something that is passed?

Finding ourselves 'weeping again for something that is passed' is a huge opportunity to be grateful, to fill ourselves with love and joy. If there is any pain associated it is unfinished business that we are holding onto. It is once again the core notion that our expectations should somehow be able to over-rule our reality, and by resisting that we create our own suffering.

If there is a grief process to be experienced then grieve now that which you may have avoided at some time passed, then let it be the joy and peace of acceptance. Only then can we be free to truly experience our current moment.

What if you had no regret (no weeping again) but only joyful appreciation for what is that has been absorbed into your knowing, in the time or by hind-sight (looking back)?
What if instead of being in the moment in that joyful time there was underlying fear of 'what if I lose this?' How might that manifest?

What are you creating of this moment?

I see hear so many saying my life now sucks. If only I'd known how happy I was then (at some other time) but it's okay I'll do/be/something will happen in order for me to find that again.

But all it is, is the same choice, chosen again in different circumstances.

I guess with the 'rest in peace' coming later I meant you don't have to find peace here in any particular thing. You just have to be peace. The resting in peace is (for me) in the light where there is no fear to choose.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

Dan_Clizer
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Dan_Clizer » Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:27 am

Very nicely said Jen.

Love,
Dan

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 5:24 am

No choice is wrong rachel, but, what would love feel?
What do you mean? What would love feel about what? I am confused by this sentence.
If there is any pain associated it is unfinished business that we are holding onto. It is once again the core notion that our expectations should somehow be able to over-rule our reality, and by resisting that we create our own suffering.
Yes, I guess it is unfinished business. I have grieved about it and I am tired of feeling sad. I want to let it go but a part of me seems to not want to for some reason. Maybe because it feels like I am now losing everything again – and much more this time - and I look back wistfully – my life was so easy and I did not even see it. (I moved several times after that and have started over several times and I am soooooo tired of starting over.)

Anyway, depression can do that – make you not able to see reality. It is a true illness and if you have not experienced clinical depression, it is impossible to understand. I do not feel grateful yet that it took me years to create the life I had and then I went on a tangent and lost it all due to my own unconsciousness. I cannot deny my feelings of regret and pretend they are not there. I loved my house in colorado that took so much time and effort and money to remodel; the ability to walk to the forest as it was right there; the peace and quiet, etc. I felt very safe and secure. Yes, looking back I was very depressed and unable to appreciate it. I really did think I was making the healthy decision to leave it all but I was not because I was not in a healthy state psychologically or spiritually at the time. I was unable to make a healthy decision yet I plowed forward anyway and left it all. I still do not see the point of it all.

When you talk about love and joy and all of that, you are assuming, perhaps, that I was able to see things clearly at the time. I was not.
I am unaccustomed to not knowing what to do. I have always planned, had goals, thought I knew what to do next and just did it. Now, I am in Limbo financially, location-wise, job-wise and there is nowhere to land.

When I feel centered, I know I can create my life again – but it has to be different this time. It must be slower paced and not frenetic; Conscious rather than unconscious; giving rather than taking; Mostly inward rather than outward, etc…I want to listen to my heart and not my chattering thoughts. (Meditation has recently become very important to me) My thoughts got me into trouble. I want to change how I perceive my life and create a life that is authentic and whole. I am tired of being afraid. I do not want that anymore and want to be free. I have been selfish most of my life -- I do know that. I still do not know what is happening to me but I do know I am changing and it feels like a very painful, long, drawn out birth. Dammit it is hard!!! Yet….I have created all of this. It is true. Why? I just do not have that answer as of yet.

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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by spikyface » Sun Jan 02, 2011 5:26 am

Hello Rachel

I understand now *hug*

There's no sense in blaming yourself for what happened, I did some reading on clinical depression, it's described as the kind of illness that affects a person's behaviour and decision making ability

You've previously said that you feel responsible for the decisions that lead you to this situation, that must be a heavy burden to carry around

Wouldn't it be a kindness to yourself to put it down for a while?
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 5:43 am

Long story short, several times over the past few years myself and my family have been down to our last 20 dollars or less (no savings). Each time a "little" miracle would occur and we would come out of that bind. Each time this dire situation was created (by me) it built trust. Trust in myself, and trust in Creator, trust in the process of spiritual remembrance. It was never an accident that we were taken care of at just the moment when it seemed hopeless. There IS perfection in the process we create from day to day, week to week, month to month. We begin to see that fear is not real, its ALL illusion. We build into the experience we are having from day to day the exact things we need for our spiritual growth.
Dan, I have questions about the above paragraph. Why is it a miracle that you all were taken care of at the last minute? I mean, was it also a miracle that you were down to your last $20? Why was THAT created? Did the creator create that too?
Pardon me playing devils advocate: There are situations all over the world that people DO starve and die horrible deaths with incredible suffering and they DO NOT experience any miracles. Why is this? Why do some have "miracles" and others do not? Is it because we just CHOOSE to BELIEVE these happenings are miracles? Does this creator only hand out favors to some people and not others?
Pardon what may appear to be cynicism and as you know, I truly am playing devils advocate - are you saying that the fear that the Jewish people felt prior to being gassed was an illusion? Did they build this experience for thier spiritual growth? Were they crammed into cattle cars for days on end, a lot of them experiencing indescribable suffering, so they could grow spiritually? Or, can we choose to believe all this and talk about it as we do only because we have the luxury to do so?
Last edited by rachel100639 on Sun Jan 02, 2011 5:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

rachel100639
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by rachel100639 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 5:48 am

Hello Rachel

I understand now *hug*

There's no sense in blaming yourself for what happened, I did some reading on clinical depression, it's described as the kind of illness that affects a person's behaviour and decision making ability

You've previously said that you feel responsible for the decisions that lead you to this situation, that must be a heavy burden to carry around

Wouldn't it be a kindness to yourself to put it down for a while?
Thank you Spike. This brought tears to my eyes and compassion for myself on a deep level as I read this. This is the truth.

Dan_Clizer
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by Dan_Clizer » Sun Jan 02, 2011 6:18 am

rachel100639 wrote:
Long story short, several times over the past few years myself and my family have been down to our last 20 dollars or less (no savings). Each time a "little" miracle would occur and we would come out of that bind. Each time this dire situation was created (by me) it built trust. Trust in myself, and trust in Creator, trust in the process of spiritual remembrance. It was never an accident that we were taken care of at just the moment when it seemed hopeless. There IS perfection in the process we create from day to day, week to week, month to month. We begin to see that fear is not real, its ALL illusion. We build into the experience we are having from day to day the exact things we need for our spiritual growth.
Dan, I have questions about the above paragraph. Why is it a miracle that you all were taken care of at the last minute? I mean, was it also a miracle that you were down to your last $20? Why was THAT created? Did the creator create that too?
Pardon me playing devils advocate: There are situations all over the world that people DO starve and die horrible deaths with incredible suffering and they DO NOT experience any miracles. Why is this? Why do some have "miracles" and others do not? Is it because we just CHOOSE to BELIEVE these happenings are miracles? Does this creator only hand out favors to some people and not others?
Pardon what may appear to be cynicism and as you know, I truly am playing devils advocate - are you saying that the fear that the Jewish people felt prior to being gassed was an illusion? Did they build this experience for thier spiritual growth? Were they crammed into cattle cars for days on end, a lot of them experiencing indescribable suffering, so they could grow spiritually? Or, can we choose to believe all this only because we have the luxury to do so?
Hi Rachel,

When I say it was a miracle I mean it just simply was one. I knew at that point I could either continue to create with love in my heart, knowing that our needs would be met, or I could deviate from the way I usually created and create in fear. If I had instead created at that point in fear, the conversation in my head might have gone something like this: I know we are not going to get any calls for wood today! I just know that we are going to run out of food.....I just know we are not going to be able to pay our electric bill this month....what are we going to do????!!!!

Instead, I created in the manner that I had learned from the time I was a child from my parents. I said to my son Nick: Nick, when we get home from the woods today, there is going to be a call from someone that wants the three cords of wood we have in the back yard. We had only 10 dollars left that day and I knew I had to create some money in order to put food on the table. Sure enough, when Nick and I got home there was a message on the answering machine; the guy wanted all three cords of wood we had in the yard!
Rachel, I helped create that miracle by holding steady, holding fast to my knowingness that we would be provided for. It works. I could have also created the opposite scenario by holding steady to the negative (egoic) thoughts in my head. I chose the miracle, I chose love/spirit.

Yes, from my perspective certainly experiences like the Holocaust are created both by the collective consciousness and individiaul for purposes of spiritual remembrance. It gives each person involved the chance to see how they do NOT want to create. Its only by experiencing how we do NOT want to create that we can then create what we DO want. That is what duality is. Its both ends of a spectrum and we must experience both. So by residing in fear for example, we then create exactly what we most fear. If we reside in love, we will create love in our lives.

Yes, fear is illusion. There is no form of fear that is "real". The egoic mind will try to make us believe its real and for a time, its successful. The illusion will at some point end though as we wake up. For example: You may think that you will "die" when your body takes its last breath. In reality as you look down upon your "dead" body lying on the operating table, you suddenly realize: you're NOT dead! You then begin to discover that not only can "death" never occur, but "life" is everlasting! Nothing ever dies, it only changes form. You are pure consciousness, in other words, pure energy. The real "you" could never die.

Love,
Dan

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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by spikyface » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:09 am

Thank you Spike. This brought tears to my eyes and compassion for myself on a deep level as I read this. This is the truth.
Good to know, I'm always iffy about these kinds of posts; never can tell if I've interpreted the meaning correctly until it's blurted out
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Help with Horrible Job

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:26 am

What do you mean? What would love feel about what? I am confused by this sentence.
Sorry to confuse rachel, you had said "I still feel regret and pain at times over leaving what I had" my question was what would love feel like - if you were to fill your thoughts with love over leaving what you had instead of regret and pain?

If you choose love in this moment over choosing to feel regret and pain for some thing that is passed, you will get an instantly different outcome for this moment. You can't change your choices of the past, their time has gone. Spending this moment in pain and regret seems an interesting choice given that you want to be more present and aware now.
I am unaccustomed to not knowing what to do. I have always planned, had goals, thought I knew what to do next and just did it. Now, I am in Limbo financially, location-wise, job-wise
All choices or the results of your choices - no thing is wrong, it just is.
and there is nowhere to land
Whether you re-cognise it or not rachel, you've landed. This is where you are in this moment. You are here, you've arrived at this moment.

I agree why not just stop awhile, put down the burdens of the past and the future and just rest in this presence awhile.

See, it's okay too.

Sending love to sit with you.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

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