dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

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navaro22
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dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by navaro22 » Mon Feb 14, 2011 2:21 am

:?: I have read "A New Earth", and from it I still have a lingering question:
How do you deal with other people, someone like a work-colleague or boss, who you can see displays behaviours that are driven by their ego, their separate sense-of-self. What do you do when these behaviours are persistent, consistent, and negatively impact you? Then when you bring it to their attention that their behaviour is negatively impacting you, they either deny it, lie about it, or they get angry that you have pointed out this behavior to them. Negative behaviours of this colleague (boss) include: backstabbing, talking behind your back, not giving you recognition or praise when it is well-deserved, stealing your ideas/contribution and making them out to be their own, this boss makes life difficult, complicated and stressful by not helping/facilitating their workers by blocking and obstructing processes that could help make their job easier, and taking joy knowing that they are negatively impacting others? How do you best handle this, especially when you enjoy/love your job, are good at it, and get praised elsewhere for the good job you doing? I know fear drives this boss, they are driven by the need to never be wrong, by the need to feel superior, I know WHY they are like this, but HOW do I best handle this person? Any ideas would be greatly received?! Thanks!!!

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Webwanderer
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by Webwanderer » Mon Feb 14, 2011 7:16 am

So what's the real problem? Your boss's behavior which you cannot change, or your inability to maintain clarity in the face of adversity? Life isn't about getting praise. It's about exploring your human experience and learning to live in clarity regardless of circumstances. There's no grade or judgment on how you're doing however, unless you choose to apply such to yourself. There's just gaining a clear recognition of how life flows through the interaction of cause and effect. Life's adversities provide opportunities to observe our egoic tendencies while seeing the truth of our being. Be steadfast in your curiosity and self observation. Your situation is a gift from Life that knows you are up to the task. Be thankful. Know also that when you no longer have any use for the experience, it will pass.

WW

mmy
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by mmy » Mon Feb 14, 2011 8:15 am

Hi navaro22,

I understand what you are saying and I find my work environment has challenges where I see my own ego clearly. I work with people who are so identified with their "stuff" and so self-absorbed with no listening skills or empathy for others. And I've learnt (and still learning) that it simply doesn't matter. They are the way they are and wanting it to be different is arguing with reality and causing me suffering, not them. Wanting a work environment the way I want it is me trying to control what should and should not be happening. Never works.

I do silent inquiry throughout the day when I feel myself holding on to unnecessary thoughts or energies. Such as, do I need them to see me? Do I need their approval? Does this really matter? And I place attention back on myself. What do I need to remember?

I hold a space for my job, I enjoy the work, and it's what I do to function in the world, but it in no way defines me or gives me ultimate fulfillment. Placing my attention on what I am and what ultimately matters has helped me to remain still. I don't go through all my work time all centered and present. I lose my focus, some days I feel I regress, and some days after work I drag myself to the gym or plop myself down on my yoga mat and wonder how I'll ever find myself again. But I do, I get up again, dust myself off, and keep going.

Peace

alphamind
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by alphamind » Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:49 pm

My friend, if you are on this forum, you are stronger spiritually. Be the change you want to see in the world, because all reality is different objective realities connected into one. As a stronger spiritual person, you have more impact than they do. So do not judge, be present, and perceive them the way you want them to be. With time you will notice the more they interact with you, the more they join your level of consciousness - even if they are not conscious of it themselves.

navaro22
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by navaro22 » Tue Feb 15, 2011 11:31 am

alphamind wrote:My friend, if you are on this forum, you are stronger spiritually. Be the change you want to see in the world, because all reality is different objective realities connected into one. As a stronger spiritual person, you have more impact than they do. So do not judge, be present, and perceive them the way you want them to be. With time you will notice the more they interact with you, the more they join your level of consciousness - even if they are not conscious of it themselves.

Hi!, thanks for your thoughts, you are most kind alphamind. Just wondering what you were meaning by your advice being:
"perceive them the way you want them to be"
Does this mean that I perceive the other person in a way that is positive, in a way where they could be more. Just curious?!
I kind of get what you are saying, in that, if you are aiming to live the truth, realise you are more than your body/ego/physical form, then overtime, that rubs off onto others, no matter how negative/unrealised/suffering that person is.

yveskleinblue
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by yveskleinblue » Thu Feb 17, 2011 5:44 am

Take a deep breath and smile. Like you said, they are unconscious, ego-driven people. This has nothing to do with you. The fact that you are finding yourself so wrapped up in their shortcomings is a pointer than perhaps you need to work on keeping your ego in check (I can relate.) Once you separate their behavior and let go of trying to change them, their unconsciousness will simply register as unconsciousness and not bother you at all.

alphamind
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by alphamind » Sat Feb 19, 2011 1:47 am

navaro22 wrote:
alphamind wrote:My friend, if you are on this forum, you are stronger spiritually. Be the change you want to see in the world, because all reality is different objective realities connected into one. As a stronger spiritual person, you have more impact than they do. So do not judge, be present, and perceive them the way you want them to be. With time you will notice the more they interact with you, the more they join your level of consciousness - even if they are not conscious of it themselves.

Hi!, thanks for your thoughts, you are most kind alphamind. Just wondering what you were meaning by your advice being:
"perceive them the way you want them to be"
Does this mean that I perceive the other person in a way that is positive, in a way where they could be more. Just curious?!
I kind of get what you are saying, in that, if you are aiming to live the truth, realise you are more than your body/ego/physical form, then overtime, that rubs off onto others, no matter how negative/unrealised/suffering that person is.
In simpler words, I'm saying that we all live in the same network, each one of us influencing the objective reality. People who are stronger spiritually have more impact/influence on their reality. So if you perceive a person to be positive, you are basically creating a new reality to manifest, depending on the frequency of that thought/perception.

I know it's easier than done. I'm still working on influencing reality myself.

zenofsong
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by zenofsong » Mon Feb 21, 2011 10:40 pm

Never tell ego-driven people that they are driven by the ego. Just accept them. Accept them until they are not a problem for you. Whether or not they change is not your concern. The conflict is in your head and your heart, so don't put the responsibility with someone else.

Don't give away your power to choose how you handle situations.

quark
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by quark » Wed Mar 02, 2011 3:23 am

alphamind wrote: In simpler words, I'm saying that we all live in the same network, each one of us influencing the objective reality. People who are stronger spiritually have more impact/influence on their reality. So if you perceive a person to be positive, you are basically creating a new reality to manifest, depending on the frequency of that thought/perception.

I know it's easier than done. I'm still working on influencing reality myself.
Wow. This is money advise. We literally create our own realities. And when you think of them as positive people, they are overcome with a sense of..."man I feel good today".

If anyone would like to further explore this, check out The Divine Matrix by Gregg Barden. He breaks it down to reality-making 101.
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one"
-- Albert Einstein

Tealover
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by Tealover » Wed Mar 02, 2011 2:07 pm

[quote="zenofsong"]Never tell ego-driven people that they are driven by the ego. Just accept them. Accept them until they are not a problem for you. Whether or not they change is not your concern. The conflict is in your head and your heart, so don't put the responsibility with someone else.

Well said, Zen. Yes, the conflict is in my head and heart. I know this and have for a while, but acceptance remains elusive. Why? Due to My own ego at work. What in me sees the ego in the other? My ego! Ego meets ego.

Tealover
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by Tealover » Wed Mar 02, 2011 5:07 pm

Rant alert!

I so relate to what Navarro is struggling with. There is a person in my life who constantly talks about money; what things cost, how much she spends. She's constantly buying things and having home improvements done, and rather than just enjoying her things and improvements, she has to tell me that she spent $83,000 on her kitchen remodel, $32,000 for her new windows, $8,000 for her new awning, $13,000 for the new heating and cooling system. Not that I asked! Oh, and by the way, the ring on her finger cost $75,000. It's 6 carats of diamonds. Whew! It's always amazing to me how she can work her lavish spending into any and every conversation. She also will say, "You would like such and such, but it's expensive. Guess you'd like to do such and such, but it's expensive, etc. etc., implying that if something is expensive, I might as well forget about it! Is this an ego the size of the Grand Canyon, or what?

But my ego meets her ego, and mine must be pretty big too, because while I don't try to pass myself off as a person of upscale means, and my tastes lean toward classic and simple rather than showy and ostentatious, I still get really annoyed by her determination to make me feel small and to puff herself up via "discretionary" spending. She definitely wants to impress as being a wealthy woman, and also cares about impressing as cleaner, tidier and overall just better and more superior via her house and yard care habits.

Yes, your much, much richer than I am or ever will be. Yes you're cleaner, tidier, just better than me. Is that what I should say? I really don't care if she is all of the above. She certainly is all of the above. Feel my ego comes into the picture because she pushes the subject constantly. It makes me feel like, "What do you want from me? Will you not be satisfied until you think you've made me feel the size of a pea?"

I know I sound mean, and oh, so unenlightened. As I said, I DO struggle with this. I'm kind and cordial to her. But within, I find her obnoxious and do my very best to avoid her. Yes, my heart and head have real limitations, and acceptance remains elusive. I don't like being this way.

quark
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by quark » Wed Mar 02, 2011 5:36 pm

Tealover wrote: I know I sound mean, and oh, so unenlightened. As I said, I DO struggle with this. I'm kind and cordial to her. But within, I find her obnoxious and do my very best to avoid her. Yes, my heart and head have real limitations, and acceptance remains elusive. I don't like being this way.
No matter how kind & cordial we are on the outside, our inner pollution spills over into the universe. This pollution also spills out in other area's of our lives. If she is obnoxious & you want to avoid her, a good spiritual practice is to look within and ask "who sees her as obnoxious & wants to avoid her"?

But what I find that helps me the most is that when you say "you don't like being this way", I simply accept that I am this way. It helps me move towards inner peace much faster & it is one of the easier things to accept. Making ourselves wrong is the ultimate judgment, that is the simplest to remove.
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one"
-- Albert Einstein

Tealover
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by Tealover » Wed Mar 02, 2011 6:13 pm

Quark, thanks again for offering me your insights. Don't want to hi-jack Navarro's thread. Is it okay to discuss this here?

Who is seeing her as obnoxious and wants to avoid her? Me, me, me & me! Otherwise known as my ego. I accept that I am this way, AND I know that being this way is evidence that *I* have a problem, that my discontent does not rest in her. My negativity is my responibility, and I don't want to stay stuck in that. That's what I'm trying to say. I want to be living from a more compassionate place. I hope I can create that space.

navaro22
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by navaro22 » Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:10 am

Hi Tealover, Navaro 22 here. No you are not 'hijacking' my question/query, this is something everyone of us has to contend with in our daily lives. If I could offer my two cents worth here, when you are with your ostentatious friend, and she is telling you how such and such cost this much, just be present to it, simply observe her and her need to impress you for what it is. Make it a curious thing, say to yourself, isn't it interesting she has to do this, and sit with that realisation, there is no judgement here, just observation. Just be present to what is, witness it, without labelling it, judging it or having some inner commentary going on. I Know this is so difficult to do - I understand totally - but just 'play with it'. Her trying to impress you comes from her ego, and your ego reacts by trying to resist it, by trying to not accept her need to be wealthy etc. Feel the resistance in you like an inner wall, when she goes on and on, and then imagine you are transparent and her words and intentions (of trying to put you down) then go straight thru you, like you are watching them go past you or even straight thru you (instead of hitting hard against your inner wall of resistance). THese are all ideas from The New Earth book, which came at the right time in my life. I had a significantly negative neighbour previously, where her ego hooked in my ego, and I LET myself go thru this for 5 years. I dragged myself and my family through this crazy hell, which eventually ended in my painbody just freaking out bigtime, which ended up with me and my family having to up and leave and move house immediately. I finally surrendered to what was, to what is, ANd left. We never returned to that house (the first house my young son ever lived in!). Then without hardly any effort at all, the universe then brought about another house for us to move into, in a much nicer area, with lovely neighbours (but I am trying not to attach to these good outer forms, because anything can change)...... Life is a journey. Life is amazing.....

Tealover
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Re: dealing with unconscious ego-driven people

Post by Tealover » Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:00 pm

Hi Navaro22, nice of you to reply and share your thread! Thank you. I will try out your suggestions.

Yes, I think what my ego is resisting is this attempt to make me feel "small" and insignificant. That someone purposely wants to do that is hurtful. Really, in my view, there's nothing wrong with being small and insignificant, but someone wanting me to feel that way, so that they can feel better about themselves, feels exploitative.

In essence, to her mind I am merely an object that exists to bolster her sense of self. If she doesn't feel superior to others, she feels like no one at all. I have become a tool for her self-enhancement project. That's hard to be around, but I do want to learn how to be more at peace with it, and not have my own ego drawn out by it.

Like you said, everyone probably deals with this in their daily lives on some level, to some degree. This is a great spiritual exercise and opportunity for growth.

Thanks again for sharing your suggestions and personal experience!

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