My Mom's Driving me Nuts

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My Mom's Driving me Nuts

Postby Learner » Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:24 pm

Over a week ago, I broke up with a girlfriend that I was going out with for 2 years. There are no hard feelings with this, in fact, 2 days later, I was totally over it. In fact, my mom, who I am pretty good friends with, is one of the people who helped me decide to break up.

But now that I've broken up with her, this week, my mom is driving me absolutely nuts. I was hardly bugged about the breakup because it felt right, but she keeps saying things like "Oh, your poor ex," "i feel sorry for her" and stuff like that... She even said that SHE misses seeing her and is sad she won't be seeing her around our house anymore. Then, my mind grabs these things and I start to feel guilty or bad when I did nothing wrong. I hate it. I broke up with her because I felt we weren't compatible enough. My mom feels sorry for everyone and clearly has a worrying problem. I'm actually more upset now thanks to my mom than I originally was.

What is a good tactic for remaining present and in the now and unaffected by what my mom says like that? Thank you.

By the way, I've talked to my mom over and over and over and over and over and over about this kind of thing. She's in her 60s, she's not going to change at this point. That's why I'm asking what I can do to deal with it.
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Re: My Mom's Driving me Nuts

Postby Webwanderer » Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:14 am

Learner wrote:What is a good tactic for remaining present and in the now and unaffected by what my mom says like that?

Don't spend much time and energy thinking about what your mom does that bothers you. Rather give intentional and consistent, consideration and focus, on what you appreciate about her. The more you think about what bothers you the more you will be bothered. The more you focus on what you enjoy and appreciate about her the more you will enjoy her presence.

The same goes for most anything in life. You happiness is directly related to what you focus on. Focus on what causes you pain and you get to experience the result of that focus - pain. Focus on what you appreciate and you get the experience the result of that appreciation - enjoyment. It really is that simple.

Test this out for yourself. Look for things you appreciate about your mom, and rest in the feeling of it. It is a present moment experience to feel appreciation. Do it often and you will find ever more things to appreciate - about her and about life itself - if you will actively choose to look in this way. The result will be ever more moments of enjoyment and fewer and fewer moments of pain. Appreciation is an excellent way to align with Source. You can actually feel the quality of spiritual energy in the flow of appreciation.

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Re: My Mom's Driving me Nuts

Postby heidi » Thu Dec 01, 2011 1:29 am

Hi Leaner - I highly recommend the Work of Byron Katie and her Judge your neighbor piece she does, it is amazing how you can easily see what's going on. http://thework.com/thework.php
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Re: My Mom's Driving me Nuts

Postby SirNikalot » Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:30 am

@Webwanderer. I think having appreciation for his mother is great and all. But what happens when she starts really over-stepping Learner's boundaries? Can't this create a dangerous situation where he lets his mother get away with what ever she wants, while making him feel as if he's not "grateful" enough?

@Learner Perhaps there is some underlying guilt that your mom is triggering due to the fact that you broke up with your girlfriend. It sounds like you were pretty firm on your decision and you knew what was best for yourself, but there seems to be some underlying emotion that your trying to avoid. I would suggest to get in touch with what ever underlying feeling is true for you and to just feel it out. Perhaps there is guilt or sadness about the fact that you're single again, and you miss having that type of companionship again.
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Re: My Mom's Driving me Nuts

Postby Webwanderer » Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:48 am

SirNikalot wrote:@Webwanderer. I think having appreciation for his mother is great and all. But what happens when she starts really over-stepping Learner's boundaries? Can't this create a dangerous situation where he lets his mother get away with what ever she wants, while making him feel as if he's not "grateful" enough?

@SirNikalot. I appreciate your concern as to my suggestion to Learner :wink:. However, Learner asks a specific question about a good tactic for remaining present and unaffected by his mothers statements.

"What is a good tactic for remaining present and in the now and unaffected by what my mom says like that?"

There is little better than living through a perspective of feeling appreciation to experience an enjoyable sense of presence. (Does not a state of appreciation feel quite good when it's genuine?) Presuming that Learner's mother would take advantage of his good nature is speculative. Taking it further to suggest that she might be 'getting away' with something is somewhat of a stawman. We really have no clear understanding of her motives

The concern in this context is not so much about Learner's mother, but for Learner's stability and clarity of presence while she says things that elicit negative feelings in him. External conditions such as his mothers statements may be uncontrollable, but internally he can choose how he perceives those conditions. By developing a perspective through which he constantly looks for opportunities of appreciation, he will become less affected by other's negative influence. That's not to say he should not recognize the conditions as they are, but simply to choose how he perceives them in his own best interest as it relates to alignment with Source and his ability to remain in clarity and presence.

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Re: My Mom's Driving me Nuts

Postby SirNikalot » Thu Dec 01, 2011 1:26 pm

I wasn't discounting what you were saying as valid, to a certain extent. But I didn't feel that it was applicable or helpful to his certain situation. You're right, I don't know how his mother would react, or if she would walk all over him, but in my personal experience, and from what I've seen all over these forums as well, having spiritual views much like the one you have just suggested can be a perfect opportunity for passivity, when action is required. Maybe he does need to remind his mom that she was nagging him just the other day for him to break up, and it doesn't make sense why she is moping around. Maybe he can also question why he's so bothered by her reaction.

Having gratitude can be great when its genuine, but if he's really feeling something other than gratitude in that moment, why not get in touch with what is really there- in the present moment. Perhaps he can be grateful to himself for owning what true to himself in that present moment.

However, Learner asks a specific question about a good tactic for remaining present and unaffected by his mothers statements.


You offered yours, I offered mine, nothing wrong in that. If he finds either of our suggestions useful then more power to him.
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