Can anyone offer some advice?

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Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby Stella 7 » Fri Jan 20, 2012 3:03 pm

Hi everyone,
Its been a while since I posted, but at the moment I could really use some advice/ kind words.
I have a lengthy report to comment on, which concerns the circumstances of my mother`s death in my local hospital. Without going into details( which all though this is anonymous I am legally not allowed to do) it has totally overwhelmed me with the most negative emotions, and I find it very hard to remain "in the moment" and not "create a story" if you like about how sad and tragic the whole sorry affair is. Oh, I know all about ET`s teachings and also am well aware of Ramana Maharshi`s life, and spirituality. But now it has come to this awful real life event, being human, I am finding my mind is feeling beyond sadness. I loved her so much, and it is hurting me deeply.
Anyone got anything that may help me stay strong, while I read through page after page of memories of how bad her experience was.
Thanks in advance.
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby kiki » Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:12 pm

I am finding my mind is feeling beyond sadness. I loved her so much, and it is hurting me deeply.


I am so sorry for your loss, and it reminds me of when my father died. This is what I learned from that event: Bathe in your sadness, feel it fully and allow it to be there, and it will reward you with a sweetness of its own. That's what I discovered when he passed in 1986. The feeling of sadness is part of the human experience, so don't deny it when it comes. It's when you set up camp and live life from there that it becomes a detriment. In an event such as a death of someone you love deeply, like a parent, allow yourself to experience what it has to offer. In my experience, I found that the grief lasted for only a few days, and what remained was a sense of peace. Yes, there was some sadness occasionally, but it would fade away quickly and I could feel a sense of ease, and I think this had to do with allowing myself to unabashedly feel my grief as it arose.

kiki
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby Stella 7 » Fri Jan 20, 2012 11:02 pm

Thank-you. Truly, it helps.
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:18 am

The feeling of sadness is part of the human experience, so don't deny it when it comes. It's when you set up camp and live life from there that it becomes a detriment. In an event such as a death of someone you love deeply, like a parent, allow yourself to experience what it has to offer.

Lovely kiki, lovely.

Elisabeth Kubler Ross says all the emotions will come, some more often than others. She says when they knock on your door, open it, say "oh, it's you, come in, what is you want to share with me", don't quite set a place at your table for them, but spend time with them as Kiki's expressed above. This will include sadness, anger, the 'if only-s' and many more manifestations as you process through the experience.

page after page of memories of how bad her experience was.

One thing I might add Stella - you are 'reading' or 'viewing' your mother's experience second hand. Your emotions will mix with those you 'assume' she experienced and the time frames and individualnesses will blur somewhat.

It's difficult, but try to differentiate what is yours, and what is imagined in empathy for her.

What you are experiencing is yours - based on your own experiences thus far, being experienced one moment at a time and processed - however.

What she experienced are hers, based on her experiences in her own life and processed one moment at a time, one moment building upon another, from her point of view and ability to respond - not yours and not all at once as you may be viewing it.

I've seen folks do some strange things thinking they have all the information to be acting on another's behalf and taking offence. Even sometimes when the one on whose behalf it is, has taken no offence at all because of the differences outlined above.

There may be times Stella when it is an overwhelming of a number of emotions all at once, or in quick succession. Allow yourself to breathe out, darndest of things we suck in breath when overwhelmed and hold onto it for dear life - not realising we have to first breathe out in order to breathe in again.

At times it is enough to put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. But, that's okay too.

- Elisabeth Kubler Ross' books are brilliant for understanding life, death, grief and grieving.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby zack » Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:18 pm

I have been through similar experiences (lost of love ones and identifications) and I agree with kicki. This is an enormous opportunity for spiritual growth. Just rest in to the pain and it will turn into something else.

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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby Stella 7 » Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:37 pm

These are really helpful answers for me.
I should like to discuss this further, today, however I have spent all day trying to respond to this huge report I have on my mothers death, not yet completed, it has to be in by Monday!
Of course, it is grief, but it is very much mixed up with anger and hurt that she was so neglected , she died...the details are awful, and this was in a hospital . My inability not to have been able to help her, and then to have had this protracted affair, with the hospital, well its not easy!I thought do I just let it go, in which case other people may suffer in the way in which she did? Or do I pursue it, then systems will be put in place in the hospital that may help prevent it happening again? Outside bodies oversee this.
Then I got to thinking about ET and Ramana, and you kind of say, well none of this matters. But you cant go through life like that can you? That kind of non dual" none of this is real" vibe?So I won`t bother trying to right a wrong?
Forgive me, I`m tired, and I have to carry on with my response to this report. Its when I read outside medical consultants have written my mother would have suffered, that`s what`s hard, that`s what hurts.
But I wanted to drop by to say I am so touched that you have responded, and it helps. I shall re read your posts and take in what they say.
Even Ramana was sad when his mother died.
Oh I have so many questions....
Best go now, before I get carried away!
THANK-YOU.
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby Webwanderer » Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:55 pm

Stella 7 wrote:Then I got to thinking about ET and Ramana, and you kind of say, well none of this matters. But you cant go through life like that can you? That kind of non dual" none of this is real" vibe?So I won`t bother trying to right a wrong?

None of this matters much in the ultimate sense but it has considerable merit in it's present effect on consciousness - yours and any others who may be or become effected through this experience. Your mother is no longer suffering from these events, and you cannot change what happened. Find some peace in that truth. Once clear on that you find it easier to proceed with the actions you feel necessary to protect others who may find themselves in similar circumstances.

While anger is understandable, and a useful tool to motivate your decisive action at this point, know too that when it's usefulness is spent it can become a dagger in your own heart and to the happier memories of your mother. Be prepared to let it go and remember your mother in the best of times. In truth it's far better to act out of love and concern for any others who may be potential victims of what your mother experienced, than it is out of anger and vengeance towards those responsible.

Work in a way that brings you the most peace.

WW
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby Stella 7 » Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:08 pm

Thanks all of you.
Last edited by Stella 7 on Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby Stella 7 » Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:15 pm

Lovely Webwanderer, and I know this is the truth.
Thanks all of you, now I must carry on responding to the report!
In Peace,
Stella.
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:22 am

Stella, in these emotional times it's even more ...opportunity.... to be conscious and choose love and compassion. As ET outlines then the actions evolving are more ...well they're just more loving & compassionate and conscious. It's not an explode or do nothing situation, but to learn to bring love and clarity to the fore.

I totally 'get' the anger & frustration - but it will only beget anger and frustration, whereas changes resulting from loving, compassionate responding to the situation benefit all - if there are some you'd rather not 'benefit' then look to your ego.
Again it doesn't mean being a wimp, but it does mean being conscious and considerate, asking - what would love do now?

Your anger is within.

It's there you can most heal it.

hugs on your journey
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby rideforever » Mon May 21, 2012 11:24 pm

My mother died last year. I was in a meditation retreat, the ninth of ten days. My brother left me a message to call urgently.

I walked outside and called him; I fell to the ground screaming. People tried to help but there was no help. The pain was beyond me.

The pain was beyond me.

Over the last year I have gone into it. I have been so overwhelmed I just lay in my bed sobbing clutching my teddy bear, I let myself sleep. Slowly slowly I have changed, it's not that I have accepted it; there was nothing to do but to allow myself to be changed. Like being in a terrible storm out on the prairie and just allowing it to lash you, come what may.

There is nothing to do; just the simple things. An early night, allow yourself to rest. Kindness to yourself. Time and space. Sitting in the church and lighting a candle. A simple meal. Some simple food and a shower. The pain will still be there in the morning. Slowly slowly it will change you, and there is nothing to do.

I went into it, a little at a time. There was nothing else except the pain. It courses like lightning in the body; beyond me. There is memory, a picture, but it is all a temporary rest from a wall of change happening within.

Over time, slowly, you emerge, and you are different.

I wish you well, kindness and softness.
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Re: Can anyone offer some advice?

Postby smiileyjen101 » Tue May 22, 2012 2:20 am

May kindness and softness find you too rideforever, that was beautiful sharing, thank you.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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