Handling rejection

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Handling rejection

Postby Lily_Liver » Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:29 am

I think one of the most difficult emotions for me is rejection. When I feel that somebody is saying I'm "not good enough".

This came up recently because I sought a relationship with somebody who emphatically declined the offer *wry grin* now, I understand that when I'm thinking about this situation, I'm allowing myself to get sucked back into the past, because I'm not being rejected in the present moment. But it's still something that causes me a great deal of pain when I do think about it...and it seems to surface out of nowhere.

What I'm wondering is, how does everyone else deal with feelings like this? I sort of understand that the reason rejection is so scary to me is because my ego sees it as a form of loss...as being...diminished somehow. Just like when you receive a compliment you feel "puffed up", when you perceive that somebody is rejecting you, you feel "deflated."

For me, perceived rejection is the scariest of all things and the thing most likely to activate my pain-body.

Also as a result of how I have felt, my entire association with this person (who is still a person I have to interact with on a regular basis) has become a bit of a mess. I recognise the truth of Tolle's words, that egoic "love" already contains its opposite...and that has very much proved the case here.

So, I suppose my questions is two-fold. Firstly, how does one deal with rejection in anything like a productive way? And secondly, how does one not allow those negative feelings to influence the relationship between, um, reject-ee and reject-er?

Thanks guys.
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Re: Handling rejection

Postby Krisalys » Sun Sep 09, 2012 8:27 pm

This is an issue for me also. I have been rejected in relationships many times, some minor hurts , some bigger hurts. I dealt with them in different ways. I was able to interact with person #1( ex-husband) after about 3 years of being hurt and angry and feeling like a loser. What made me be able to cope with feeling rejected was with some time and space I was able to see that in a way I was a bad "dumpee". I was unhappy but I unconsciously made him do the dirty work by not being a good partner. So I actually dumped him first in a way. I felt like a jerk later thinking I should have dealt with the underlying unhappiness with the situation and talked to him about it and try to work out or break up in a more civilized way.
Person #2(highschool crush)-I once decided to be interested in someone who had all the right things that I was looking for, and when this person rejected me I felt horrible, worthless etc etc . Yet when I look back on it now, he was simply aware of the fact that there was no actual attraction on my part. I was creating a feeling because I "Thought" this person would make a good boyfriend, he fit all the criteria of the perfect partner for me. Like shopping for clothes, I chose him because he fit. I didn't know any of this at the time. I just felt rejected, but in the fullness of time I see how it really was and that situation no longer is a part of my negative self talk. I feel a bit foolish about it, but if I saw him today I would not feel any pain at all.

I don't know if this helps in your situation, but I would suggest you look into your "attraction" and maybe see if there is a truth there you are not seeing because you are listening too much to the negative self talk. That may help ease the pain and allow you to work with this person without reliving the pain. Most of these things do take time to get over and thats ok. Just try not to let feeling bad about feeling bad add to the negativity.
Good Luck and remember, This too shall pass. :D
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Re: Handling rejection

Postby heidi » Sun Sep 23, 2012 5:57 pm

Accepting things just as they are - knowing that everything is perfect just as it is because it is, is the easiest way to deal with rejection. You can also look at it as an opening rather than a closing. By rejecting you, the rejector has actually opened up all sorts of space for new possibilities for you.
As an artist who does a lot of competitions, I have found that rejection isn't really rejection, it's just that a piece didn't happen to resonate with particular judges. It's not a personal thing (though many artists take rejection personally). I suppose you could look at personal rejection like that too. Most likely, just as my painting didn't happen to resonate with a judge, you simply aren't the other person's type. There are millions of people on the planet, and when we really resonate with someone we know it. You have certain friends because they are your type. You "reject" or choose not to have a relationship with all of those millions of others because they are not. It's simply a matter of preference. :D

Just remember this when you're feeling rejected. You are just a little organism alive briefly on a little dirt ball spinning around in a vast universe. It really doesn't matter. :wink:
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Re: Handling rejection

Postby rideforever » Sun Sep 23, 2012 6:47 pm

I'll tell you what to do.

Sit down now for 20 minutes. Allow yourself to relax and become centered and present, so that you can work effectively. Now, bring back the feeling of rejection, the pain and fear ... you might do this by remembering the face of this person, their smile or when they were kind to you. Yes ... it is painful, still, continue. Once you have found a way of bringing the feeling back, allow it to grow very large and feel it all over.

It can be big and painful. With swirling emotions of fear, loss, pain ... many things. But continue to face it. Experience it in your body ... the sensations and pain. Don't get lost. Don't get overwhelmed. If you feel like you are getting overwhelming ... then focus more, become more aware. Watch the emotions carefully and continuously, as they change and swirl. It can be very painful.

Pain, what is pain ? Watch it closely closely. It will try to escape your watching, but watch it even more closely. See it working within you.

When you feel fear, allow the fear to come and be with it.

When you feel loss, allow the loss to come and be with it.

Do not start thinking ... instead just watch the feelings in your body carefully.

It is becomes too much ... then switch your attention to your breathing, or ...to the palms of your hands. These are safe places you can rest.

After 20 minutes bring the session to a close. Let go of the body of pain and allow it to slide away. Focus on your breathing; and come back.

This journey is over.
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Re: Handling rejection

Postby Stubbs » Tue Oct 16, 2012 8:38 pm

So, I suppose my questions is two-fold. Firstly, how does one deal with rejection in anything like a productive way?


Rejection is necessary and productive because it can really strengthen you as a person. I've been rejected by many people in my life in different ways and looking back I'm really glad that this happened, for it has molded me into a stronger, centered, even more attractive person. A long time ago I used to really struggle with interacting with women. As a man, this made me feel very insufficient and insecure. I eventually became proactive when it came to inproving my social skills and self-image, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I went to shopping malls every day and randomly approached a couple of women every day, and you guessed it, there were several awkward situations with I came across as wierd and the girl rejected me. I was initially brusied, but the next day I realized that I was a stronger person for putting myself through that, and I suddenly wanted nothing more than to experience those rejection moments again, for at that time that was exactly what I needed. Nowadays I have no problems with interacting with women at all and I attract women effortlessly. I realize that may sound cocky, but the point is that this is the result of going through repeated rejection and building up a tolerance to it. If you want to be in a relationship with the right person you have to become a "hardened soldier" first, in a spiritual sense and a social sense.

And secondly, how does one not allow those negative feelings to influence the relationship between, um, reject-ee and reject-er?


You said that you have to interact with this person on a regular basis, if this is the case then the best way to handle this is to enhance your social life outside of your relationship with that person. Go out and meet people and just make small talk and random conversatons with them. It's not like you need to start dating them, just get out there and step out of your comfort zone. Just break it into baby steps, and approach a couple people a day, even if it is to just ask for the time or directions from them. For me, doing that on a daily basis was a rush, since most people never do that. When they go out, they just communitcate with the friends they came with and that's it. If you put yourself through this and feel the newfound strength it gives you socially and even spiritually, whenever you have to interact with that specific person who rejected you, it won't matter nearly as much. You will realize you are capable of much more than you thought and you have many more options than you think you do.

Anyways, I hope that helps. Good luck to you.

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Re: Handling rejection

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Oct 17, 2012 12:20 am

Lots of thoughtful response here :D
So, I suppose my questions is two-fold. Firstly, how does one deal with rejection in anything like a productive way?


Recognising as Heidi said, rejection is not personal, it's a journey of understanding different perspectives of a thing.

I like the notion that disappointment is in the distance in one direction between expectation and reality. In the other direction 'pleasant surprise' is also in the distance between expectation and reality.

If someone does something, or something happens that you don't expect (haven't considered or haven't considered accurately) it may require a 'journey' to bring the expectation and reality together in harmony.

That journey may be 'pleasant' in terms of a surprise - finding someone you thought didn't like or appreciate you actually going out of their way to surprise you with a gesture of appreciation needs a 'reformatting' of your thoughts of expectation - a shift in your understanding. You move with the new information from the 'expectation' to the new understanding of 'reality'.

It's the same in the other direction. At some point one creates an expectation, builds upon it be that from misinterpreting information or by projecting desire as a mutual thing and seeing only what we want to see. If we then get 'new information' that is at a distance to our expectation we have to journey with the new information back to the balance of the new understanding of 'reality'.

Recognising all the while that we may have formed 'attachment' to our perceptions of the perceived reality.
The deeper the attachment, the deeper the resistance to moving our perspective to the balance of the reality.

In a sense none of it is 'personal' it's just personal perspectives.

And secondly, how does one not allow those negative feelings to influence the relationship between, um, reject-ee and reject-er?

Acknowledging we may have had expectations outside of the reality means there is no right and no wrong in any of it. It just 'is'.

ET suggests that ego and pain body would likely make a big 'story' out of it. It might make enemy of the other or self, it may make an obstacle of the other or self in terms of 'I can't be happy because.....' or it may make the other or the experience a means to an end - tantrums blaming the 'other', or sad story in a victim sense, or 'I'm not worthy' sort of justifications - which are ultimately not true, not of self or of other.

Awareness - sane responses, would start with acceptance - this is what it is - yes if it needs a journey of discovering the reasons behind the 'expectations' and whether they were of the ego or pain body etc by all means take that journey of discovery, but in awareness and love, not ego or fear.

Then with awareness and the dropping of the expectations there is room in the relating to BE with what 'is' in an honest and authentic way. This 'may' lead to enjoying - putting joy into the relating, because there is no fear or embarrassment or 'blame' or any other thing of separation from being joy.

Maybe the relating will grow with enthusiasm, maybe not. Life just happens, we're just riding the coat tails and making sense of it all the best way we know how.

If ever in doubt, if you feel the fears creeping in, ask 'what would love do now?' And I guess by now you understand that I don't mean fear filled attachment to romantic notions or expectations of love - but love in the joy of all creation and all things exactly as they are expressing itself right now.
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Re: Handling rejection

Postby jimmyrich » Sat Aug 03, 2013 10:27 pm

[quote="Lily_Liver"]I think one of the most difficult emotions for me is rejection. When I feel that somebody is saying I'm "not good enough".
>> this probably sends you (unconsciously) back to a time or times in early childhood when unconscious others (parents) humiliated and REJECTED you so now you are carrying around a well of painful, damaged feelings connected to bad self esteem and REJECTION and any form of rejection TRIGGERS those unhealed, hidden feelings into action when you get rejected in ways similar to the original rejections of childhood. These unhealed, unresolved feelings (in the so-called Pain Body) make you extremely sensitive to current hurt or rejections and need to be exposed, understood and HEALED.

re: This came up recently because I sought a relationship with somebody who emphatically declined the offer *wry grin* now, I understand that when I'm thinking about this situation, I'm allowing myself to get sucked back into the past, because I'm not being rejected in the present moment. But it's still something that causes me a great deal of pain when I do think about it...and it seems to surface out of nowhere.
>> It seems to come from nowhere (TRIGGERED) because you have forgotten or denied the original experiences of rejection but the damaged feelings are still stuck somewhere within you and are activated by current instances of rejection. It's pretty much like post traumatic stress disorder where old, unhealed, painful/frightening experiences cause mysterious reactions in the present.

re: What I'm wondering is, how does everyone else deal with feelings like this?
>> For me, it was in therapy, 12 step support groups and HARD WORK to uncover and heal my early childhood emotional wounds - OR DIE!

re: I sort of understand that the reason rejection is so scary to me is because my ego sees it as a form of loss...as being...diminished somehow. Just like when you receive a compliment you feel "puffed up", when you perceive that somebody is rejecting you, you feel "deflated."
>> I learned a lot about the "ego" in psychology but was never allowed or encouraged to BLAME the ego for anything and to take personal responsibility for my current behavior. The "ego" is a convenient scape goat and denial tool but it is me/myself who has to be accountable and take positive action - NOT A SO CALLED EGO!

re: For me, perceived rejection is the scariest of all things and the thing most likely to activate my pain-body.
>>> Which indicates that you may need to do some memory work to find out where and how the fear of rejection was installed within you, as a child, and then figure out how to expose and RESOLVE those unhealed, painful feelings.

re: Also as a result of how I have felt, my entire association with this person (who is still a person I have to interact with on a regular basis) has become a bit of a mess. I recognise the truth of Tolle's words, that egoic "love" already contains its opposite...and that has very much proved the case here.
>>> IMO, unhealed and unresolved old wounds make "egoic" love or any other love go wrong when triggered to the surface. Ego is not the problem! Unresolved old emotions wounds is the problem thanks to bad parenting. One could say the entire world suffers from BAD PARENTING which is unconsciously passed on from generation to generation! We are not (normally) born bad but many of us are definitely TRAINED BADLY BY UNCONSCIOUS PARENTS!

re: So, I suppose my questions is two-fold. Firstly, how does one deal with rejection in anything like a productive way?
>> I dealt with my issues in therapy, counseling, 12 step groups, self esteem work and all kinds of psychological methods and am now using some spiritual methods to finish the job.

re: And secondly, how does one not allow those negative feelings to influence the relationship between, um, reject-ee and reject-er?
>> my best defense was and still is to somehow recognize the underlying, unhealed old damaged feelings that are being triggered as they come up and try to diminish the impact of those re-activated old feeling before they cause damage to me or others. I try to be AWARE in the moment to calm down my ready-to-attack old feelings and continue to heal them as best I can. There's an OCEAN of this damaged stuff in me so it's quite a job managing it all. Higher consciousness helps a lot but I'm seldom in ETs state of consciousness.
good luck,
jim :)

Thanks guys.
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