This practice is making my anxiety worse!

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This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby Apple-Blossom » Wed Nov 21, 2012 12:21 am

I found what I was looking for last week week, and I managed to feel groovy in the now for about 4 days. And then I lost grasp of it, and I keep trying to get to that mind set. Its almost like I forgot what I learned. The now, I know its all around me but whenever I tune into this whole mindless now, I dont have thoughts I just observe everything around me. Arent thoughts important for communication?

I am at this point where I am so anxious trying to maintain this mind set. I start getting panic attacks, I dont know how to just suddenly stop them. What I did practice thought was watching at and that works. Just right now I have a splitting head ache from all this tension.

Last night on the other hand when I was in the now, I started playing around with candles pouring wax into glass then mixing it. Then after an hour of that I thought to my self "What the heck am I doing?". Basically I just dont quite understand what this is all about. If I am not aloud to think, then how am I supposed to talk to people? I have been so busy practicing this living in the now, I have nothing to talk about other then silly stuff I have been doing. Perhaps its because I am spending far too much time in my room trying.

I keep getting head aches from this when I loose grip of the now. Its like I keep thinking and thinking and I cant stop :/.

I guess just some input would help get me on track.

here are some questions that I have going on in my head.

What do I do when there is no thought?

Am I aloud to entertain my self with things like video games?

How do I combat fear?

and last but not least... Will this ever end? lol

I know the now very well, just looking around feeling, smelling. Enjoying things deeply without thinking I am good at that. I just dont know where to go from there. Btw, I am lost in my anxiety right now.
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby Webwanderer » Wed Nov 21, 2012 1:06 am

The point is that it's counter productive to 'resist' the panic attacks. Resistance is the fuel that is likely causing them to start with. Panic is replete with resistance, so why add more? If you are having a panic attack - just go ahead and have it. 'Know' that you will eventually come out the other side. You always have, you always will. Meanwhile observe it. Get to know its texture, its quality. Watch the thoughts and feel the emotions that are present while panic is present.

Understand that this experience is not you. It's simply content that you have created from the way you have been conditioned to think and the perspective that accompanies it. Once you are clear that you are observing content within consciousness - your consciousness - you can make peace with the experience knowing that it only seems real from a certain perspective, and it will soon pass.

Perspectives are malleable. That is you can create and adjust them by adjusting how you think about a matter of interest. For instance, panic attacks can be seen not as fearful events to be resisted, but messages of a particularly painful perspective of thinking. Explore the mind-sets that fuel it. Accept the fear as just another experience. No big deal. Broaden your perspective and thinking to see your experience in a way that is less concerning. Listen to some enjoyable music. Remember the moments of greater clarity you've had. Read some inspiring words. Write some of your most enjoyable ideas.

And don't beat up on yourself for slipping back into established mind-sets. It happens. In time, as you stop energizing old conditioning with new focus of attention, it will die a quiet death. Or at least slip into a coma that wakes up less and less as time spent focusing on more inspiring topics creates new conditioning. New conditioning will happen as you make it happen by your focus/non-focus of life energy in ways that serve your preferred experience.

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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby kiki » Wed Nov 21, 2012 3:56 am

You have some misconceptions about thinking, namely, that you are not allowed to think. No wonder you are feeling tension and feeling anxious about trying to maintain that mindset. Of course thoughts are permitted, and as you have found out they are necessary for communication. The thing with thoughts is this: what you are is not dependent upon them; what you are exists prior to the arising of thought and is even present during thoughts. It's just that thoughts tend to keep attention directed in an outward direction, and because of that one tends to totally miss the ever present awareness that you are. When that attention is turned inward, to the source of thought, you discover the witnessing consciousness, true essence.

Thoughts arise within what you are, the witnessing consciousness. They have woven a storyboard that is believed to be "your" life; your fears, your likes, your dislikes, your desires and so on. That storyboard's main character has been mistakenly identified with as being the "me"/ego, the entity that sees and believes itself to be separate from everyone and everything else.

Realizing deeply that what you are isn't found within the mind but is in fact this witnessing consciousness allows a different perspective toward thinking to arise, a perspective that doesn't turn thoughts or mind into an enemy, an enemy that must be controlled, repressed, or defeated. When you can see clearly that you are not that mind created entity you can relax and let those thoughts come and go, because they will whether you want them to or not.
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby Apple-Blossom » Wed Nov 21, 2012 8:17 am

Thank you both for your comments. I find what happens is once I start thinking my thoughts become my reality as eckhart puts it. I was able to bring down my anxiety by typing up a sort of poem thingy, getting my self to calm down. Whenever anxiety now pops up, I look at it dead in the eye and watch it diminish. Same deal with thoughts, if a thought pops up, I watch it and let it diminish then get back to focusing on whatever. Things seem much more real in this frame of mind, I feel like I want to explore everything! I pick up an apple, look deeply into it, then take a nice bite taking my time eating the whole apple. Its almost like I have infinite patients or something.

Anyway, I am just off to bed. I am actually feeling tired for the first time in a few days due to all of that anxiety/derealization or whatever. Dont really care, its the past. All that matters is I am here in the now :) I am not dead, I am alive, I have control and this universe is extremely beautiful! When I awaken I may go for a nice walk and observe life. It feels as if this is only the beginning and as long as I keep my head clear and I remain alert I feel as if my mind will deepen again like It did last week. Time to catch some zeeze.
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby rideforever » Wed Nov 21, 2012 9:12 am

You are trying to hard. Relax.

Just relax and sink into the Now.

Remain in the Now in a relaxed way surrender more and more deeply. Feel the space of the Now, the calmness of the Now, and sink into it, this is home.

Go for a walk in the forest and remain in the relaxed Now, start doing simple activities are remain in the Now and combine it wit worldly life.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby TruthWithin » Wed Nov 21, 2012 11:42 am

First and foremost, you are treating the teachings like they are moral teachings. Stop thinking of the teachings as a morality. There is no "allowed" or "not allowed" to the teachings. That is something that you have superimposed on the teachings.

To quote Eckhart (italics/emphasis mine):

Is it wrong then to be proud of one's possessions or to feel resentful toward people who have more than you? Not at all. That sense of pride, of needing to stand out, the apparent enhancement of one's self through "more than" and diminishment through "less than" is neither right nor wrong - it is the ego. The ego isn't wrong; it's just unconscious. When you observe the ego in yourself, you are beginning to go beyond it. Don't take the ego too seriously. When you detect egoic behavior in yourself, smile. At times you may even laugh. How could humanity have been taken in by this for so long? Above all, know that the ego isn't personal. It isn't who you are. If you consider the ego to be your personal problem, that's just more ego.
-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth Pg 42

Thinking, obsessing, flustering, panicking, failing, losing grip, is not wrong. It (a) simply is and (b) largely unconscious. Don't punish yourself, and don't treat it as a personal problem (because it is factually not a personal problem - this is a matter of fact, not a matter of pragmatism).

Second, there is nothing bad about thinking. You still need to think to survive. Eckhart Tolle still has thoughts (he said he had a reduction of about 80% in one interview). So you are not supposed to blank out completely your mind. To drive the point home:

"The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly—you usually don't use it at all. It uses you."
-Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

The implication of saying that the mind is a "superb instrument" is that thought has its place, that thought can be superb. To reiterate, there is nothing wrong with having thoughts. Think as you need, and don't morally blast yourself when thinking occurs (whether by compulsion or by need).
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby Apple-Blossom » Wed Nov 21, 2012 5:35 pm

I have just woken up and re read through all the responses prior to my last one, I also read the following ones. Thank you for the pointers.

Basically. The whole point to the teachings is to identify my self with the I rather then the thoughts the I creates ;)

The I lives in a state of awareness, it is complete consciousness. Because I am aware of that, I now understand now that I am not the mind, whilst a huge percent of society believe they are the mind so they continue to live their lives judging everything, trying to solve problems in their head, making drama, worrying about whatever, stuck in the mind frame of time.

So as long as I am aware that "I" am not my thoughts I being my spirit or consciousness, and I make peace with all that is, even my thoughts, and just let things flow without judging. I am basically on the right track. I know this hits like an aha moment, I experienced this last week. I guess what happened was I started altering the awakening because I started going against the flow in an extremely unhealthy way. Basically its key to just observe, observe thoughts, observe the universe, and observe what ever. But gently, not forcefully.

Does this all sound accurate?
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby Apple-Blossom » Wed Nov 21, 2012 5:46 pm

Wait, key is not even to observe everything. That is just a creation of my thought. Just relax, be and whatever happens from there. Not to force anything, just let things happen on their own.
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby Onceler » Sat Nov 24, 2012 8:00 pm

I can relate. I took a 3 year hiatus from all that spiritual stress because I found that the harder you try, the more elusive it is and the more mental you get. Go live your life. If you think about it, occasionally find your inward awareness, as Kiki eloquently described it. Just find it and then get lost in the swirl. Over time you will come back more frequently, stay longer.

RELAX! Get out of your room! Go see a movie, I hear Lincoln is good. Indulge in some frivolous thoughts. Live!!!
Be present, be pleasant.
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby runstrails » Sat Nov 24, 2012 9:34 pm

apple blossom wrote:
I have just woken up

:D I enjoyed your post.

Onceler wrote:

Go live your life. If you think about it, occasionally find your inward awareness, as Kiki eloquently described it. Just find it and then get lost in the swirl. Over time you will come back more frequently, stay longer.

I agree with this. Find some time during the day to look inward as you go about living your life. Slowly but surely the false identity falls off and you live life as the conscious reality that you are. But don't expect any fireworks or big bangs or even life/personality to change much. Life goes on and you simply live it with a different perspective.

BTW, welcome, appleblossom.
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby Apple-Blossom » Mon Dec 03, 2012 4:44 am

The awesomeness of everyone here is radical! Thank you for your input everyone. The quotes "Go live your life. If you think about it, occasionally find your inward awareness, as Kiki eloquently described it. Just find it and then get lost in the swirl. Over time you will come back more frequently, stay longer." have really gotten through to me.

I learned the basic layout of the mind, which gives me an understanding of how to live in the now. I can really talk the talk easily, just walking the walk and keeping it up is the tricky part. I have faith that just knowing it is what will allow me to transcend thought. I even had that awakening/aha moment (afew weeks back). I know that was it, and I know it'll come back.

Consciousness is energy, the more we focus on something, the more we fuel it with energy. The more we focus on thoughts, the more we give life to them. The more life we give them, the more they grow and take over like a bunch of weeds in a garden. When we take the time to look around and breathe in the air, we feed that with our energy. The more we direct our inner flow toward the universe, the more alive it becomes. But we cannot see that aliveness clearly, if our thoughts are blocking the sight. So by bringing our self to the state of the "I am" we can take our awareness off thought and then purely direct it towards the universe.

I have been having some memory issues for the past few years due to side effects from some medication I was on. The med turned me to a emotionally dulled zombie. When I went off it, I got hit with detox (Severe anxiety and wild symptoms) I found my self very very confused and lost inside. Slowly as time goes on my memory is coming back, and my ability to feel is coming back. Over the past few months since the dawn of my spiritual path, I have come to realize, I have been living in my head all my life, to a very extreme state to the point of living in terror.

So, I am now going to take your guy's advice and just have fun :) Possibly perhaps put 2001:A space Odyssey on and zone in.
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby kiki » Mon Dec 03, 2012 3:39 pm

So, I am now going to take your guy's advice and just have fun :) Possibly perhaps put 2001:A space Odyssey on and zone in.


Open the pod bay doors, HAL. :wink:
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Re: This practice is making my anxiety worse!

Postby jimmyrich » Sat Aug 03, 2013 7:43 am

Apple-Blossom wrote:I found what I was looking for last week week, and I managed to feel groovy in the now for about 4 days. And then I lost grasp of it, and I keep trying to get to that mind set. Its almost like I forgot what I learned. The now, I know its all around me but whenever I tune into this whole mindless now, I dont have thoughts I just observe everything around me. Arent thoughts important for communication?


Here's my experience so far:
I began working on my self long ago in 12 step groups and, for a while, at the beginning, I GOT WORSE! My stirred up inner but buried and repressed feelings broke loose and came to the surface like a raging river! I really thought I was going insane but somehow knew I was getting better just by seeing what was hiding within me and could be healed if I persisted.
What I've learned so far is that if I calmly observe or experience my thoughts, I become detached from them and my "mind" and I find myself in or as what I'd call the REAL ME! Not the egoic or little worried/selfish me - the happy, NO-MIND, free REAL ME. There's more to this but I'll get to that later. Thoughts are important for communication and I can communicate way better from my REAL self than I ever could from my egoic/little self - thoughts or no thoughts. Thoughts are not the issue! Finding or becoming who and what I really am is the issue and compulsive thoughts/thinking has kept me from experiencing and realizing my REAL self while being lost in my FALSE self with all of it's fantasies and endless thoughts.

re: I am at this point where I am so anxious trying to maintain this mind set. I start getting panic attacks, I dont know how to just suddenly stop them. What I did practice thought was watching at and that works. Just right now I have a splitting head ache from all this tension.
>> One way to see and explain your head ache and tension is to see if you are holding in a lot of hidden, painful old feelings from years ago. How was your childhood and parenting?

re: Last night on the other hand when I was in the now, I started playing around with candles pouring wax into glass then mixing it. Then after an hour of that I thought to my self "What the heck am I doing?". Basically I just dont quite understand what this is all about. If I am not aloud to think, then how am I supposed to talk to people? I have been so busy practicing this living in the now, I have nothing to talk about other then silly stuff I have been doing. Perhaps its because I am spending far too much time in my room trying.
>> I had a problem similar to this when I first started using ET's practices but now I believe the point is to get out of my thought stream long enough to clearly see or FEEL my REAL self behind or beyond the little me who is lost in thoughts. It's not about controlling or stopping thinking/thought. I am aloud to "thinK" - just not compulsively or endlessly.
re: "What the heck am I doing?"
>> This question would lead me to ask: who is doing what? I'd say: me, I am doing it! then I'd ask: Who is the me doing this? who am I? Then I'd say: Me - a little egoic person (or the REAL me)! Oddly, the Real me does not need to be "doing anything" whereas the little/egoic me is always doing something or other. Now, thanks to that process of inquiry, I know I am not a little egoic me - I am the Real me but often forget that fact.

re: What do I do when there is no thought?
>> Now days, I just allow myself to be pleasantly empty, blank, comfortable, silent, content, calm and enjoy the FEELING of "nothingness" or "emptiness" both of which fail to adequately describe my experience so far. It doesn't last very long and soon I am right back in my little egoic self again and it's sucks!

re: Am I aloud to entertain my self with things like video games?
>> Of course BUT which self? The whole point of most spiritual practices is to help us DIS-IDENTIFY from our little, egoic, personal self and regain our natural, original identification with and AS our REAL SELF. Both the Real Self and the egoic self can play games, etc. but only the Real Self can enjoy it and produce a positive result whereas the false or egoic self often messes up.

re: How do I combat fear?
>> ET might say by watching and observing it so that YOU become detached from the experience long enough to see and FEEL your Real Self that is NOT afraid and never can be. Only the vulnerable, endangered and fearful false self is ever prone to FEAR but the Real self that you are laughs it all off!

re: and last but not least... Will this ever end? lol
>> IMO, it can only end when we finally know and FEEL our Real Self that is never touched by life's experiences and that may come by observing our thoughts and feelings to the point where we suddenly realize that we are something totally separate from and beyond our thoughts and feelings. Just like ET tells us: when we observe something, we may temporarily realize the we are NOT that something and come to know or FEEL who and what we are in relationship to the thing observed outside of us. It may seem mysterious, mystical or weird but I've seen just how I suddenly experience this Real Me when I look or feel something that is really outside of ME - like a thought or feeling within my mind. I am either a limited, little, egoic person or I am ME! And observing my thoughts & feelings takes me to my SELF beyond the little personal me and mind that is thinking and feeling out there.

re: I know the now very well, just looking around feeling, smelling. Enjoying things deeply without thinking I am good at that. I just dont know where to go from there.
>> Where I "go" is into an empty, large, wonderful, happy place or space (hard to adequately describe the SELF or State in there) but it could be confusing or frightening if someone expects to find a better or different egoic/personal self in the Now and only finds EMPTINESS or SILENCE in there. For me it's not an emptiness or silence - it's a full and thrilling sense of Being or Self. When I'm there or THIS, I don't feel a need to go, do or be anything in that moment although I can if I wish from that Divine place. Still Being is enough for me but it would be unbearable to my little self!

re: Btw, I am lost in my anxiety right now.
>> Ask your self: Who is lost in anxiety? you might come up with: I am lost! Then ask: who is this "I" or person that is lost? You might come up with me = Apple-Blossom!!! Then ask: am I really Apple-Blossom? and you may experience a slight shift in consciousness where you will suddenly REALIZE that you are not and never were a person called Apple-Blossom - you are a Being with no particular name, form, limitations, or problems - YOU JUST ARE! At first you might think you are imagining things or did something wrong when your ego/self subsides but the glory of your Real Being will be unmistakable and you may want to get back to your Real Self again and again but your personal/egoic self will fight you in the beginning because it's so weird and unfamiliar in there as the REAL YOU. Please don't give up on your REAL SELF.
:) jim
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