I hate my ego (schizotypal)

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I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby AnonyMouse » Thu Dec 06, 2012 11:20 am

I (who) hate my self (what is a self, and which one of the many selfes is real?)
Diving into all of this "now" and egoic thought patterns, identification with thought processes and self enquiry has not helped my mental wellbeing. Quite the opposite actually. Or has it?

I started reading Eckhart Tolle and others about the same time I had a breakdown from constant stress/psychosis/isolation/depression/crisis/whatever, some years ago
Possibly helped by marihuana, LSD and other drugs (but I don't think it's the cause itself to my issues)
I thought I could skip all the superficial selfhelp books, and go directly to the source. The ultimate selfhelp. God. Nothing.

Now I am diagnosed with schizotypal disorder

None of the mental helpers (psychiatrists etc.) have ever heard about Eckhart Tolle
To them, reality is = living the normal everyday life, as an ego, in the society packed with content and illusions
Matrix

I isolate myself in the appartment. Sometimes for 4-5 days
I avoid the windows, because I (who.. the ego?) don't want to be observed and judged by other people.
I hate, oppress and destroy myself
Who is who? What is real?
I have been thinking about all this ego stuff way way too much
How to stop?

"I can't live with myself any longer"
But I have yet to come to the total liberating awakening, that I was aiming for. Like Eckhart did.

It's like my EGO has read all these books, and is using it against itself/me. And now it's even harder than before to be present and happy. Anti-awakening.

Maybe my ego can't be "killed" or observed. Maybe there is too much identification/resistance
But I'm seeing THAT. So what does it mean? I'm awake, but far from it?

I miss my old life
But it's too late to go back and just be my blind ego
Now I just have massive suffering
In panic, and even more scared of other people's hatred (fear) towards people like me who is "different"

Ambivalence
Self doubt

Can anyone help me a little bit here?
Last edited by AnonyMouse on Thu Dec 06, 2012 1:03 pm, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby AnonyMouse » Thu Dec 06, 2012 11:35 am

And I'm pretty sure, if Eckhart Tolle went to a psychiatrist at the time of his suffering/awakening.. he would have been diagnosed as well, and perhaps never wake up as he did

Psychiatry = evidence, science, proof, math, logic, normality, labels, stigma, mind
Last edited by AnonyMouse on Thu Dec 06, 2012 12:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby AnonyMouse » Thu Dec 06, 2012 11:43 am

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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby AnonyMouse » Thu Dec 06, 2012 12:03 pm

So, I have a foot in each side. Afraid to go in ONE direction
Kind of awake, or with great potential to awake. Trying to hard to awake
And a scared little boy, who just wants to be "normal", liked and loved

But I'm happy today. It's good to get frustrations like this out :)
Breath in, breath out.. maybe I should just try the anti-psychotic medicine.. to relax my racing/disconnected mind a bit
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby AnonyMouse » Thu Dec 06, 2012 12:37 pm

Ok this helps me a bit > viewtopic.php?f=45&t=11064
Relaaaaax, don't force it, and just live. The ball has already started rolling. Just let it roll naturally :)
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby jan-sandahl » Thu Dec 06, 2012 1:52 pm

I don´t think one has to be an expert on what is wrong, to have enormous benefits from simply getting used to being relaxed, calming down, leaving the "problems" resting. If it´s hard, do it for a short while. Feel at any time that a "failure" is 100% OK. Try again, with ease (important) and allow it to be/ feel exactly how it feels right now, without opposing anything. This attitude is a doorway, in my experience. Rest assured that the more you get used to relax, calming down the more of that you will become. For me, cultivating a feeling of "openness" continously open new doors, lets this rest deepen by itself. Where it leads to, i don´t give a damn. I´m (getting used to) having no goal with it. It´s not a means to an end, but an expression of it (as if the realisation I´m secretly seeking is already with me). If one teachers words don´t work for you, find your own that has vitality - for you. And also, trust yourself, keep your bullshitometer running at all times. I know have to watch myself on this point. Especially my own bullshit, but most of the time I know damn well when I have only acted as a copying machine. Trust only words you have really felt to be your own (even if someone else spoke them). With deepening you become your own authority, more and more. This is my current experience. Teachers and teachings are like going to the gym, so to speak. Truth feels right, and noone but youself ultimately knows your unique perpective.
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby AnonyMouse » Thu Dec 06, 2012 2:46 pm

Thank you jan-sandahl

My bullshitometer did'nt move when I read what you wrote :)

It's a prolonged state of "spiritual emergency", and not having a feeling of who I can really trust. I want to trust everybody, I have to, and in some ways I do it too much. Almost everybody says "come this way", and my bullshitometer moves, but so does my fear-ometer and doubt-ometer. So I trust nothing. The whole machinery is blinking, and I'm afraid to trust my intuitive signals. Maybe because, deep down I see my self as bad, so I cut the link

I am like Gollum

I think I'm ready for ordinary good old earthly real therapy now
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby jan-sandahl » Thu Dec 06, 2012 4:02 pm

Do what you feel is the best thing to do. But pair the psychoanalysis with stillness, resting mind. It works eventually. A year ago i could never be still enough to meditate at all. :)

PS. Simply love your footer about eggs. :D
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby rideforever » Thu Dec 06, 2012 6:14 pm

Hey man ... well I feel the same, I could have written something like what you wrote. Spending time alone - spiritual crisis - what is the way out ...

Recently I have started practising a particular type of meditation with the single focus on stabilising my mind and my life. Before I had been doing many deep going meditations, but my life is so unstable that I suffer a lot. And I have to take some responsibility to create stability first. All the amazing spiritual insights are just adding to the mess - and I sense that they are part of a bad pattern.

I any case, lay a strong foundation then you can move forward - being in distress is very unhelpful because you make no progress. There are many patterns relating to childhood trauma, distress, fight or flight, and spiritual insight - it's fairly common and very messy.

It's just Mindfulness of Breathing (Anapana meditation) that I am doing. That's it. You can stabilise yourself and you can constructively improve your circumstances.

I also try to exercise once a day even if it just walking to the bottom of the road and back.

I also try not to make decisions if I am in a bad place. Wait until it calms down.

I recently read an article that laid out some of the main patterns, perhaps you would like to read it, here' s a link :

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pdf/powell2.pdf
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby far_eastofwest » Fri Dec 07, 2012 1:08 am

Have a look at Robert Burney's Joy2meu website (its very much a web, more intricate than first appears).
I notice a lot of people who are distressed have very much black and white thinking (and most of life is actually in the Grey area).

Its not a matter of "not trusting anyone" or "want to trust everyone" but a middling thing, try to be discerning and think of 'trust some people' and give it a bit of time to decide whom you want to trust and be selective in the process (and yep, even in this case, some will let you down, but thats to do with them, not you).

Could write more, but won't.... check out Robert's site if you are interested, he has helped many, many people in similar situations to yours (most people are in similar situation at some point, its just the degree that varies). You're not alone, thats for sure, many people suffer, some are better at faking 'happy' than others though.
:)
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby Pennee101 » Sat Dec 22, 2012 4:08 am

You are in such amazing company. Here is a link that describes Schozotypal and the link between it and creativity. And at the beginning it gives anecdotes about famous persons that are amusing and might make you feel not so alone. I have bipolar disorder and it helped me greatly to learn of all the famous people that I admire who had it or have it. Here's the link:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2 ... entricity/
The Holiest site on Earth is where an Ancient hatred has become a present Love. TCIM
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby AnonyMouse » Thu Jan 03, 2013 2:14 am

Thank you for the responses :)
Right now, I'm thinking about actually moving away from the main city
Away from all the noise, action, demands, neighbours, talk, tvshows, content, entertainment, stress, egos, "painbodies"

I want a simple, peaceful life, close to nature
A fireplace, a typewriter, a guitar
Chopping my own wood. Driving 2 hours to get food and supplies
The breeze of the wind, a pond, birds etc.

I have always enjoyed being alone. So why not do it with style, instead of pushing other peoples demand over my head constantly..

I have been urging to truely move for so long, but I kept thinking: "happiness does not come by changing geography" and "when you awaken, you do not change anything in your life, only your view on the world"
Well.. true but not entirely true, not in my case
Happiness can come when you change environment, away from the constant stressor, and start nursing your soul
Don't stay in hell. Move if you have to. But move with an conscious spirit (not the ego).
The grass is not greener on the other side. But at least there is grass and some peace there..

Am I in a bad mood now, and should avoid making big decisions like that now? I simply don't know.. my insights right now feels very true
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Re: I hate my ego (schizotypal)

Postby Pennee101 » Thu Jan 03, 2013 3:11 am

Hi!

I don't think anyone can make your decision for you but you. But if it helps, in case your are worrying about "right or wrong" ET quotes Shakespeare in A New Earth
for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.


So you don't have to judge yourself for moving or not moving and I hope you don't. On a personal note, if I was in a situation where I was living with loud music, the TV on all the time, people fighting, anything like this I would just have to pack my bags and move, (I think). I live a very quiet peaceful life. I don't live far out in the country but my house is peaceful except for the dogs barking, (interestingly they are not bothering me as much since I have been meditating more or maybe they are barking less, I don't know). But that is neither here nor there. I would do what I could do make my home as peaceful as possible.

Great good luck to you!

Peace,

Pennee
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